I know I was just here Mom, but I was re-reading some of what I've wrote to you. I do that sometimes. Anyhow, this is from 3 years ago...made me smile, laugh and cry. Here it is again (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES******* Today sure was a crappy day Mom. I was about ready to admit myself to a nut house! These kids are about to drive me crazy...and I am not talking about my kids! I'd take a deep breath and look at your picture, that smile of yours got me thru the day. Michelle was out sick today so that didn't help matters. You didn't have too many of these kind of days. Nothing usually bothered you and when it did you always found a way to get through it...I was remembering the time you had a not so good moment...well acutally it was pretty darn funny, it made me laugh. One of the kids was crying non-stop for no particular reason....following you around like crazy, you had done everything you could and still she'd cry. Finally you said (not in a mean way...in your own funny g-ma way) "insert kids name here, you are giving me the headache". Then little Alyson pipes up and says "It's ok G-ma, she's giving me the headache too". Oh you and I laughed so hard we nearly peed our pants! Those were the kind of bad days you had, a moment or two that always ended with a laugh or smile. Man Mom, I miss those days! I miss you so much! I miss you helping me, being there for me, talking to you on the phone all the time. I miss seeing you and you coming over all the time. Today I thought I heard your car coming down the road. I still remember how it sounded, how you always came into the house in the mornings. Your smell, your concern and caring ways. I miss every little thing about you and no matter what anyone says that will always be! It will never be easier. How could it be?? You are my Mother and I love you more than life itself! The holidays are going to be brutal. Here it is Thanksgiving in a couple weeks. We will all get together at your house but tell us Mom, without you there, what are we suppose to be thankful for?? Sure our kids and families, but without YOU?? This sucks Mom...this is so horrible. I remember walking into your hospital room right after you found out that the cancer had spread to your brain. You asked me "isn't it terrible, can you believe it?" Yes, Mom...it is horrible and no, I still can't believe it..even though you are now gone, I still find all of this hard to believe! I had another dream about you about a week ago. I couldn't tell you about it right away. It wasn't one of my 'good' dreams. I was sleeping in my bed and you grabbed my hand. I tried to hold on, but you kept slipping further and further away from me. I screamed your name MOM, MOM, MOM...over and over again, but I couldn't save you and no matter how loud I screamed no one could hear me to come help. It was bad...I woke up in tears! I went over to your house this weekend. Debbie sure has your headboard decorated nice. You'd like it! I grabbed all your stinking medical bills too. I was in a bad mood when I fixed them all out so some of the remarks I made on them weren't too good. They got most of their money. Insurance paid for pretty much everything. And had they saved you...had they cured you Mom, I'd been happy to pay every single one of them in full. But they didn't so they can just suck up their loss and take what the insurance paid for. They can harrass me/us all they want. We certainly can't be hurt more than we already are. I told each and everyone of them if they had anything else to say to include a self stamped enevelope. Sorry to be rude Mom, I'd just had it...I told you I was having a crappy day. Hopefully a goodnight sleep will make things a little better. I love you Mom!! ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES**** Tay has chemo on Friday and her MRI is on Dec 3rd. I know you'll be there for both :o)