Hi Mom! I miss you so much! You, Sweet Tay, and now Beanie! The 3 best friends of my life! I hope you're all up there smiling down on me Mom! I could use some smiles and signs from you all! You send em and I'll scoop them up! Keep taking good care of my girl! I love you all!!

Wow, last time I wrote to you was on your birthday and now here it is mine (well, plus a day) Had a fabulous day! I fixed Chicken Marsala, salted mini potatoes, french bread and made a chocolate-peanut butter cheesecake. Had Jarrod, Mara, Beanie and Dale over for dinner. Made WAY to much food...(as usual, haha) And then last night when I sat down with Tay (we like to rock in the evening and play on our phones) I turned hers on and right there 8:18 stared me right in the face. Thank you Mama! I told Tay Grandma Joan is here too Sweetie! We rocked for over 2 hours =) Weird dream this morning. My alarm went off at 5:30, shut it off and then I drifted back to sleep for a few minutes and during that time....I was driving Bean's car. Turned onto a bridge only part of my wheel missed and fell off the bridge into the river below. Bryson was with me. We tumbled off the bridge and into what I feared was ice cold water. I was bracing myself for the shock but also telling myself as soon as the car filled up with water we'd get out and swim to the top. Bryson was silent. It was pitch dark I couldn't see him or anything. The car kept tumbling and falling falling falling. We never reached bottom and I knew when/if we did. We were too far down and it was too dark to see anything. There was no escaping this. I also knew this wasn't a dream. I was awake and this was REALLY happening (usually in my dreams of death I can talk myself out of whatever...cuz I somehow know it is just a dream. But not this time. It was weird...different. I honestly thought we were dying) I was scared to death, but calm. Panicked cuz I couldn't see Bryson, but knew he was there buckled in the seat next to me. I just wanted it to be over. Drowning isn't a pleasant death, but I convinced myself that it (dying) wouldn't be so bad cuz I'd be with you. I was trying so hard to focus on YOU! We still hadn't hit bottom yet and I was struggling to breath and trying to see/find Bryson. Then I woke up suddenly, gasping and it was 5:38. Bry was next to me sound asleep. I love you Mom, miss you like crazy!

Well well well, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my most favorite person in the world =) I'm fixing pork steak covered in my homemade breadcrumbs, sauteed and then slathered with homemade gravy. Rolls, homemade of course and maybe some mashed potatoes. Carb overload, but you're worth it! Bry has a new trampoline, so I jump my carbs away, haha! Oh and lets not forget the cake =) I can hear you now and see that little smile "Oh Tammy, just forget my birthday this year." But you know I just can't do that! Dinner's at 6:30 =)) Love and miss you like CRaZy!! ((((((HUGS)))))) ********KISSES********

Hi there =) Been awhile since I've wrote, but you're in my head every single day! I'm sitting here watching snowmobiles playing on the lake and I can't help but to remember all the times Dad took me. I just loved it! You'd always tell him as we were leaving "Don't be taking her on any lakes!" He did once ya know...yeah, he told me not to tell you. Opps! I miss you so much Mom, I mean I really, REALLY miss you! I have some good things going on in my life right now and I'd do anything to be able to share with you. We'd both be ok, ya know? I remember when I was a kid. I always told myself (and you) not to worry, when you got old and could no longer care for yourself, I'd do it! I meant it too. Never dreamed that it be my own adult child who would need all the hands on care =( NOT complaining...I love every single minute of it. It's just...life has a way of twisting things around. She has another infection. She starts back on IV antibiotics tomorrow. I'll be doing it all here vs inpatient (thank you God!!) for however long Dr C orders it for. A few weeks at least. Gotta get this thing cleared up before summer. A fully accessed port means no swimming and we can't have that!! Bry's doing good. 11 years old, can't believe it! I cherish every little thing he asks me to do with him cuz I know those days won't last forever. He's a good kid. You two would have a blast together! Well, gonna sign out for now. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you!! Keep my seat warm up there ;) ((((((((HUGS))))))) ********KISSES********

Hey, hey! Been awhile since we've chatted! Well, in my head I talk to you every day. But here...it's been awhile. Got your tree up =) It looks beautiful as always. Surprisingly Cub hasn't ate anything off it!! Tay's doing 'ok'. Dr C has her on IV antibiotics. Probably for 10 weeks and I think we are on week 4 or 5 now. Luckily I can give them to her here, at home!! I'm taking her to clinic once a week so he can oversee everything a little closer. Hopefully the weather holds up for the next 4 or so weeks we have left. Brysee is doing great!! I kept him home from school yesterday cuz I missed him so. Pulled out your sofa bed, served him food (mostly ICE CREAM) all day and he watched TV =) with Cub of course. He had a great day and I don't regret a thing! Sometimes spending time with those you love is more important than school or work! Just made a batch of homemade cinnamon rolls!! I ran 55 miles in 5 days for the stupid fitness challenge people keep inviting me to (I know, I know...I love it!!) I'm such a competitive person, hard to resist when someone asks. Anyhow, I figured 55 miles in 5 days = CINNAMON ROLLS =) Well, house is quiet and the floors need mopped. Love and miss you (((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES*****

Hey there =) Just placed our annual Make A Wish Christmas memorial, whew! Did it a little different this year, kinda nervous! Hope I made the right decision. Scheduled to arrive next Monday (Nov 14) We shall see =X CUBS WIN, CUBS WIN! My dream finally came true, It still seems so surreal and I probably re-run it through my head 1000x a day. THE CUBS ARE THE WORLD CHAMPIONS!! Crazy, exciting and HOLY COW! I am absolutely overjoyed!! Soo wish you were her to absorb my happiness with me Mom =) Well, onto the next news. Miss Taylor. She's back on IV antibiotics. How long this will go on for ??? No idea! Luckily I am now her home health care nurse (yes, I am getting PAID, full time and woohoo...best job, EVER!!) so I can do all of this at home. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I'll still do a few friends/family taxes come tax time and a couple audits or two, but with what I am making caring for Tay. I honestly don't need much else. Spending more time with my kids far outweighs $$$ I can make this work AND could not be happier =) Had a GREAT birthday, however it would have been greater if you would do a little dream visit, please!?!?!?! It's been awhile you know! I've been taking Tay for as many outside walks/trots as I can. It is SOOOOO nice out there. Yesterday it hit 70 and today 65. UNBELIEVABLE for November! It's going to be mid 60's tomorrow, so yep...more more more! Other than CUBS and my new job =) don't think there's much else going on worth mentioning. Bry's doing GREAT, as is Jarrod and Mara. Those two...GREAT couple. I've never seen two people get along and just enjoy each other as they do. It's the once in a lifetime kind of thing. They are definitely meant to be! Well, I have Tay's infusion going and she's just about done. I miss you!! (((((((HUGS)))))) ********KISSES*******

Remember all those Tigers games I watched with you, all the cheering? Well...payback time ;) CUBS, CUBS, CUBS!!! You know if you were HERE I'd make you sit with me through all of this??!! Whew, game 2 tonight. We got this, right?? =) I'd chat more, but my nerves are shot, Tay needs a bath and I gotta run/workout to unleash some of this energy. Love you!!! (((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES*******

Trying really hard to re-wire my brain, these last few weeks have been a stressful mess. Every time I think 'life sure sucks', I look at the fridge. Bry unknowingly has your picture holding up Tay's MRI results, along with his, plastered there. How could I be anything other than happy, right? =) Postseason CUBS start tomorrow, that too will help ( I hope, kinda scared!) Took Tay in the pool yesterday, IN OCTOBER...it was awesome! Then I followed my evening up with a run around the lake (went too hard, made me sick...I'm too old that crap, haha But it was raining, my mind was a wreck, sooo.... nothing like running yourself sick to clear your mind, oops! ) Back to baseball...your Tigers barely missed out this year. Thought, maybe they could pull it off. It came down to a game they needed to win and they choked :( **Deep Breath** Game one of the Cubs starts tomorrow. Gotta get some good food/snacks whipped up. Bry promised to watch with me. Told him we could pull out the couch bed and I'd fix him whatever he wanted =) It'll be a good weekend, surrounded by kids and food, woohoo! I'll keep looking at the fridge for reminders <3 Love you Mom. I know you're holding my hand through all of this and I know I'll make it through. I have your heart <3 (((((((HUGS))))))) ********KISSES*********

I need you more than anything right now and you seem to be everywhere! That penny of love memory popped up yesterday, one of my favorites! The bulb in your curio burnt out, Bry hung your picture on the fridge to hold Tay's MRI results up with (that took my breath!), a remake to your favorite song came on the radio the other day (my first time hearing it) the picture of you that I found after you died that I've never seen before, that popped up again the other day. Just, just....you're EVERYWHERE I look, you don't quit .... thank you Mom! Life is HARD and it surely sucks. But you remind me over and over again that there is goodness in everything, I just need to know where to look =) I love you! ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES********

Woohoo, new job =) I don't have to leave the house or use a computer (well except to log in my hours) and it pays MORE $$ and more <3 <3 !! It's processing and will take a few weeks before it's official and probably a little training, but it's a sure thing and I couldn't be happier! CRaZy happy =) =) Well, Brysee starts 5th grade...middle school on Monday, UGH! I took him to registration yesterday, picked up his schedule and walked around his HUGE new school. You'll never believe who is teacher is? Same teacher as Jarrod had in 1st grade (2 decades ago...."gosh, she's gotta be 105 by now", haha. Jarrod's words) He has a combination lock on his locker. He struggled a bit with that but they said all the kids do and within a week they 'get it'. I sure hope he gets it. I think out of 100 tries it opened once (ok, maybe my numbers are a bit off, but......) We're having a end of the summer party this weekend. Boat, tubing, fish fry, euchre (well, I've been playing euchre all week. Uncle Ben is here) and wiffle ball. I invited Shelley down, but she doesn't have the kids this weekend so I think she's gonna wait and come next weekend. I told her to come both =) Well, I'm sitting outside with Bry and I just heard Tay holler, so we'll chat again soon! Love and miss you!! (((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES******

I went to the store today to buy you and Tay some flowers. I don't usually go to Fates, 1. it's too hard and 2.... it's too hard, today of all days. But I didn't have time to go anywhere else. Every since Bry was around 3 and we'd go to Fates I'd always tell him "If Grandma Joan was still alive we'd probably see her here cuz this was where she did her grocery shopping and seems she was ALWAYS here :)" So I pull in, park and walk into store...and there stood a lady, about your age and from the back looked EXACTLY LIKE YOU! It took my breath, I gasped and had to really compose myself to walk past her. Heart was pounding and just, WOW! I grab the few things I need and 2 dozen roses ...one for you and one for Tay. I check out, load my stuff in the truck and as I'm pulling out...out she walks, pushing her cart. It took everything I had not to jump out of my truck and HUG HUG HUG her! I simply smiled, waved and cried all the way home. But thank you! Thank you for 'being there' ((((Hugs)))) The remainder of the day: Well it started out with Tay sleeping til noon, her chemo week so happens to fall on her birthday so she was TIRED! Didn't stop us from pooling though, we lounged in the pool for about 1 1/2 hours this afternoon, I fixed her a chocolate sheet cake with chocolate pecan frosting. Devinne, Gram, Uncle Ben, Chip and the neighbor came over for dinner. Grilled hotdogs, I made a couple salads and some BQ beans. Kept it simple =) After dinner I snuck out...loaded Tay up in the truck and we went to the cemetery. I snagged a couple roses too. Tay complained the whole way there, so I thought our visit was going to be....well not what I hoped for. Crazy thing happened though...as soon as we pulled in, she settled right down. I spread her blanket out on your grave and layed her down (right in your lap, haha) Not a peep came out of her. I weeded your flowers, watered them, gave you your roses, snapped some pictures and when it was time to go...she was NOT having it. Fought me! So I promised her we'd come back soon and stay longer. I'll pack lunch one day along with her music and we'll just hang out. You'd both like that =) I miss you Mom, thank you for being here and having my back all through this day! We played Euchre and enjoyed the sunset this evening while we ate cake =) Perfect ending to a really goood/bittersweet day. I love you!! ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES*******

Day 6, think I got in about 94-95 miles total so far ( 16 today, woohoo) and I feel GREAT!! Heart feels good, no knee issue...everything feels, well great! Sleepy, I'm really really sleepy. I pulled out the sofa bed so I could fall asleep to TV (I'm the only one in the world with no TV in her room, ha-ha) Door open with a little breeze coming through, ahhhhh! Went for a late night swim too, that's a bonus for the ooo-lala! Update: Kids are doing good! Bry starts school in 3 weeks and I wish more than anything I could homes school him. I am sooo dreading sending him back. I want him here with me 24/7! I'd give ANYTHING to have him here with me 24/7, UGH! We'll make the next 3 weeks full of FUN memories! I finally got my court date, August 25th, FINALLY!! Gram is going with me. She's my rock you know =) Tay is better, she was acting a little 'off' and when I took her to clinic they thought so too. They checked her over from head to toe, got to her ear and saw something. Not sure what it was but they paged her ENT. We made an emergency trip back to GR on Wednesday and by the grace of God he was able to get it out without taking her to surgery. Still not sure what it was in her ear, but it was blue. He put her on some antibiotics and she's as good as new now =) I miss you ya know...not a day goes by that i don't miss you. ((((((HUGS))))))) ********KISSES********

Hey there, getting ready to head to bed. Thought I'd stop by for a little chat first, been awhile! Tomorrow is the start of my 15 miles a day for 13 days and I tell ya...whew! I'm excited to do this, and will run my heart out, but man...not in the shape I used to be, (but I will be by the time I'm done, right...ha-ha) I plan to get a good jump on my first day, get up early and get in as many miles as I can. This is gonna be HARD, any help you can send down...please do!! Also have some un-named help I need help with, so that too please and thank you! Weather was a little blahh this weekend, but is suppose to warm back up this week, yayyy! Bry starts school a month from tomorrow, booo! I'm NOT ready!! Tay is doing good, her new pool heater is AWESOME!! Gram donated 600.00 bucks to it, which helped HUGELY! I had to dip into my ballgame funds so pretty sure a Tiger vs Royals game is going to be out now, but oh well. I'd MUCH rather have a happy swimming Tay than a Happy at the ball park me any day!! It's still a heart gasping, take your breath kind of thing seeing the fun she has in there. The wish that keeps giving.... Well, believe it or not this ball game (Cubs) just went into extra innings. Cubs were down 6-3 in the 9th and tied it. Sooo, my nerves are shot. Gonna pace and watch... Love you!! ((((((HUGS))))) ****KISSES*****

Well your Grand kids and Great Grand kiddo's are headed back to FL. We had such a GREAT time! I'm so thankful that they choose MY house to come to every summer. We always have such a fun time! Boating, skiing, tubing, fishing, bonefires, golfing, LOTS of wiffle ball, grilling out and Chip taught us all a new card game. Even 8 year old Amelia learned how to play. Needless to say we're all addicted =) A week of simple fun, little Ellory even says to me "Aunt Tammy, your house is really, really, really FUN". She's such a sweetie! I filled her little belly up with all the good stuff kids should get a chance to enjoy now and then...especially on vacation! Wish they could have experienced YOU! Don't think I'll ever get over that aspect of things. Not so much you missing out on them, but them missing out on you! Love you Mom. Because of YOU I realize and appreciate family more than anything else in this world, no matter how shaky life can be, the best medicine is FAMILY =) ((((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES******

Well, in a few hours they'll be on their way! Lisa said they were hoping to leave around 4:30 AM. Can't wait for them to get here!! Chip has the boat all ready to go and is taking the entire time they are here off. He really loves our family and fits right in =) Got a BIG week of boating, tubing, skiing, wiffle ball, the fair, bonefires, swimming, fishing, golfing and lots of grilling out! I'd like to go to a White Caps game, but we'll see how much time we have. They seem to enjoy just hanging out around here. Debbie is going to come up for a few days and Shelley is going to come down. Jarrod and Mara will be over throughout the week too. Times like these I wish more than anything that you were here! FAMILY, you sure loved spending time with your family, you'd be in Heaven on Earth with all of this. Lisa's little kids are so darn sweet! Amelia is 9, Brady 7 and little Ellory is 5 now! Crazy how fast they grow! Well, I better get busy here. Still have a few things left to do and it's all ready midnight. Hope I sleep better than I have been Miss you, really really really wish you were here!! (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES******

Hi Mom, quiet weekend. Saturday I took a snooze in the pool, then went out on the boat for a bit, then fishing =) First time this year. Caught LOTS! Today it rained so I cleaned all of the downstairs from top to bottom. Got it all ready for FL, they'll be here in two weeks! Got the baseball field all ready too...MI vs FL wiffle ball =) =) Not as many are coming as last year, so I may have to recruit some more players, certainly can't go without our wiffle ball games. Those are priceless!!! I've been having hellacious nightmares! So bad last night I'm afraid to go to sleep tonight. Can't get them out of my head no matter how hard I try! SUCKS!! Bry's last game of baseball was last week. He is SOOO GOOOD it's crazy! I bet his batting average is over .700 (not that I'm keeping track or anything, haha!) His catching and his pitching...awesome! He loves it so much. I bought him a new glove. End of the season and I bought him a new glove. Yeah....I LOVE it too! We practice, A LOT, so I guess that justifies it, right?? I'm taking him to a ballgame in August, can't wait!!! Sure wish we lived closer to the ballpark, we'd go all the time! Well, my battery is about to die. Better get this entered before it does or I'll have to start all over again. Love and miss you!!! (((((((HUGS)))))) ********KISSES********

Morning! Came across a picture of Dad taking us for a boat ride, made me smile. I don't remember many Father's Days (sad, I know) but I remember the FuN. I still love the boat and water =) Nice here today, finally! Florida fam will be here in a few weeks. Got the wiffle ball field all ready! Bought a couple new bats and a big stash of balls last night. Florida vs Michigan, can't wait =) Well, I better get busy here. Gram stopping by for coffee any minute now. I've got tons of housework do today, hopefully I can get a break to get some pool sun this afternoon. Love you!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES**** Happy Father's Day to Dad!

I've been looking at some of your pictures and instead of focusing on YOU, I study the surroundings and it sparks a whole new memory. Something as simple as the salt and pepper shakers in the background, or the dirty sock on the floor. The curtains that hung or the pictures on the wall. "Little things" like that. I love it, I really do, but it sure can draw a tear as well. Kids are still sleeping (well Sassy Tay isn't) Bry's friend is still here, he's going home today though. He's been here since Saturday. GREAT kid and they get along so well. I took care of Bray when he was a baby , right after you died, and they've been best friends every since. He moved, but they still get together about once a month (more in the summer) Once he gets here he doesn't want to leave =) They stay up late watching scary video clips and end up in bed with me, lol. Last night I made up the sofa bed which is RIGHT next to my room. Well low and behold I feel someone crawl in next to me. "Oh my gosh boys, you're kidding, your bed is RIGHT outside my door?!?!?" Good thing I have a bed for 12, haha! Cub hogs up half the space alone. Anyhow, Bry has a ballgame tonight. I sure LOVE those things. Nothing better than watching your kid play ball. This is the perfect age too and the best thing....HE LOVES IT TOO!! I'm taking him to a Tigers vs Royals game in August, he had such a great time last year when we got to go. Wish the ballparks weren't so far away and we could go more often. Well, well...Gram just called and will be here in 10 minutes for coffee. Love and miss you!! (((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSESS*******

Heart is really thumping and out of sync today! I took a couple baby asprin to help settle it down. Kinda scared to run, which sucks cuz I haven't ran all weekend! Think I may have had a bit too much caffeine and junk this weekend. It's catching up to me. Gram just stopped by, she said you paid her a visit =) I won't go into the embarrassing details, but haha....THANKS! Even in death, YOU know me better than anyone! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Struggling a bit, Tay's MRI came back stable...so I should be on top of the world right? If,if, if.... If only I could write my own story, to be surrounded by kind people, would be the first and only entry! I've been talking to you in my head all night and morning. Guess it helps. Then I get online, head straight to here and sob! Not having YOU, anybody to talk to is hard! My head is soo full right now. I'll be at the cemetery this weekend. Maybe I'll bring a picnic, MLB at bat and we can watch the ballgame together =) That'll fix me for a little while, my heart needs a HUGE band-aid (((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES*******

Best weekend ever...Thank you!! The weather, the company. Everything was perfect! We played our first wiffle ball game, scored tickets to Comerica, a new Keurig, a fly the W flag (Jarrod had a hard time letting THAT go. He wanted soo badly to keep it for himself, lol) Some cool wrestling sweat pants he designed. Ballgame chairs, shorts, a pool lounger and flowers...whew, it was like Christmas. Not to mention the great food we had, the Cubs amazing victory W in the 13th and a visit with YOU at the cemetery. Yep...perfect perfect weekend!! You know if you were still here I'd be taking you to the ballgame with me. Can't even imagine your excitement, you'd be in Heaven on earth! I could have picked Wrigley, but Gram had SOOO much fun last year when we went to Comerica, to see that 'happy' again is worth the sacrifice of missing out on Wrigley for Comerica. So, we'll do the same as last year. Jarrod and Mara will escort us. Besides Bry's gonna be stoked even more...he LOVES the Royals. Me, it's a eeny meeny miney mo, so I'll wear my Cubs shirt ;) Well, I gotta get a workout in. Gram will be coming down for coffee and I'm still on the couch. EEEK!! Love you! ((((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES******

Had a dream about you last night =) It was great, we went to Florida together. I guess if there was one place in the world I could go with you Florida would be it. Either there or the ball park ;) I was in my underwear and a t-shirt so our first stop was the mall. I left all my clothes at home. Guess I was soo excited I forgot to pack (and evidently get dressed, haha) Anyhow, it was great! We surprised Becky and Dino (and boy were they surprised!) You looked great ya know. And I had a baby, lol. It was someone else's baby that they didn't want so they gave her to me. SURE, I'll take a baby anyday! Thanks Mom, what a fun dream and much needed! Things are going pretty good. Tay's doing GREAT, which is the most important thing in my world! Bry only has another month of school, so he's super excited about that! I get to go to Mackinac Island with him next week. SOOO happy about that! I was really getting nervous about this trip, it's a long way to go. THEN, I got the word that I got to chaperone ... and a HUGE relief! Can't wait! Love love that place! Remember when Jarrod's class went? He was a few years older than Bry, and I got to go with him. We had a blast!! I'll make sure Bry and his friends do too! I'm excited! Bry did great at his game last night! He had a couple great hits, one walk. He pitched, catcher and left field. Did great in all 3! He's gonna be a GREAT little player! Hope he sticks with it as he grows =) Love you, Miss you! (((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES******

Morning Mom, just got done working out. Increased my weights and then tried following it up with a HIIT workout. Dying here on the couch....I really, really, REALLY can't move, so thought I'd chat for a minute before I jumped in the shower. THAT was tough, nearly passed out, but ohh does it feel good =) Bry has his first ballgame today, can't wait. He's so awesome. He showered this AM, got dressed and walked over to your shelf, pulled open your jewelry box and grabbed your dove necklace and put it on He sure loves that thing! I kind of gasp every time. Partly out of happiness but then also out of fear 'what if he loses it'. THEN, I see your smile and know, regardless how things unfold, it's OK! Jarrod and Mara came for dinner yesterday. It was great seeing them. We followed it up with a nice walk around the lake. Even Cub went =) Cub....you'd sure love him. Best Lab EVER!! Well, Gram just called and will be here in 20 minutes for coffee. I'm a sweaty mess so I gotta shower before she arrives for coffee. LOVE YOU!! I'll be back tomorrow to finish up our chat ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES******

Morning Mom =) Pretty fun and quiet weekend. Baseball and LOTS of cooking! Along with a few trots around the lake. I made some cheesy potato soup, loaded and topped with bacon, fresh parsley and grated up some cheddar. Next up some Italian Chicken Orzo soup, just now finished that up. Topped with some freshly grated Pecorino cheese. First time I ever made it, so I used my imagination. I just had a small sample and I think I like it better than the potato =) Got some homemade bread rising now, homemade ice cream and getting ready to make some homemade hot fudge and caramel topping. Topped with pecans (I paid 8 bucks for, OUCH. But can't have homemade sundae's without the pecans, right?) I remember hot fudge sundae was the last thing you ate before you died. You asked for 'no nuts, but you actually loved nuts. It was just hard for you to swallow so the texture would have made you work too hard =( You'd love these though Mom. One of your favorites....sure wish you were here to enjoy them with the ballgame that's starting soon. I have a few more new recipes I want to make, but ALL THIS FOOD I've made...I called Gram and told her I'd bring food down. Enough for her and Dale. I LOVE cooking it, sure wish there were more people around to eat it! Had a dream about you last night, don't remember much, just that you were there. Most important part I guess. Tay had 2 months of GOOD now she's back to a little bit gaggy. BUMMED, just as I was getting my hopes up.... the pukes come back. She has a MRI next month and her head has healed up nicely. Just a little patch of rawness up there, should be completely gone in time for pool season. I've been keeping a sock taped on her hand and that helps A LOT!! She wears it 24/7! Bry is doing good. He still loves his 're-done' room. He's in there every waking hour than to my bed he comes to sleep, haha! I don't mind having a kid on each side. Those days won't last forever. Well, better get back to 'busy' here. Bread is about ready to go in the oven, ice cream topping need made and my floors are a MESS! Gotta get that taken care of before the Cubs start. Love and miss you!! (((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES********

Well, it's your birthday tomorrow. Just went to the store to get the rest of the fixin's to make you a homemade double layer chocolate cake =) Yep, I still bake you a cake every year, just not ready to give that up yet! Your Tigers are getting ready to start, so you're heavy on my mind/heart today. Got them tunned in, sure hope they beat the Pirates! Our division team, so I REALLY hope the Tigers win! Speaking of baseball, the Cubs 1st week...doing awesome. Some very unfortunate accident left them without their Ace Left handed power hitter. That sucked so bad! I cried! Watched it happened, saw how hard he fell/got hit and knew...just KNEW when he stayed down that long he was going to be out for the season. And sure enough...he has quite a significant injury that took him out for the rest of the season. Dang, I still get teary eyed when I think of it. Left handed power hitters are a rarity and irreplaceable. SUCKS! The luck part of baseball the Cubs just don't have and no amount of $$ will get us that! Anyhow, tomorrow...tomorrow is your birthday and what I wouldn't give to just sit down and spend an hour with you. A chat, a hug...I'd take anything! I miss you SOOO much! Kids are growing up, Bry especially. You and him would be best friends. He'd have such a blast spending time with you. He loves all those little things you enjoyed doing with/for your Grand kids. We go to Remus quite a bit now, between his bowling, the car wash, Fates and the family dollar store I'm there quite a bit and you are in my head every single time. EVERY TIME!! I saw your friend Sandy at the grocery store last time I went to Fates and your friend Linda waited on us at bowling. You'd think after all these years the 'what ifs' would leave me but I can't stop thinking, "WHAT IF??" Ugh, days like this don't happen as often as they did, but I'm really struggling here Mom. I. JUST. MISS. YOU!!!! I'll back tomorrow, if not here, the cemetery. Love you!!! (((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES******* GO TIGERS!!

Well good morning! Late night with the Cubbies, but hey hey hey, they won =) Lots of pressure on them, and as a fan that's a LOT of pressure on me too. Tigers debut today, I think at 4 ish. I sure wish you were here to watch all these games with me. We'd be having so much fun this season! I remember you sitting at your dinning room table watching the Tigers, you'd get so mad when they'd lose, but oh how happy you'd be when they won. Kinda like me and my Cubs! I miss you Mom! Little things like that, we take for granted. Bryson is on spring break this week. And no, I can't afford to take him on a fancy vacation, but I sure can make it as fun and memorable just hanging out doing 'little things' around here. He's a fun kid. He's having a friend over today and tonight so I'll be on my own with the Cubbies tonight, pretty sure his buddy won't want to watch the game. My little lab puppy Cub (well, not so little anymore. He weighs almost as much as I do) passed out on me before the game even started last night, haha! I'll make a fun snack for the game, that'll keep him up and by my side, lol. I spent much of the game watching running. Geesh, got myself into another crazy fitness challenge. I've already went 12 miles today and 19 yesterday and I'm still in 2nd place. This one is the toughest yet, don't think I'll be able to pull '1st place' off this time. BUT...all these miles I'm getting are going towards Childhood Cancer Awareness, so it's worth every sore muscle I end up with =) Tay Tay is doing good Mom. That long bout of illness is all cleared up, she seems more energized and 'happier'. Sure babbles a lot more than she used to. She's got this new thing going though. She cries....every time she doesn't get her way or wants something, she cries! Silly girl! Well, I better get going here. Gotta get in a few more treadmill miles while the kids are entertained. Bry's friend just got here. Love you!! GO TIGERS...I'll be cheering them on for you today! ((((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES*****

Watching Grimm then going to bed and sleeping til 5PM Sunday, so thought I'd stop in while I had the chance ;) Took Cub for a walk around the lake, actually he took me, for a sprint! He has a bit of learning how to walk on a leash to do. He LOVES to go, but my oh my does he GO!! Strong boy and he's only 8 1/2 months old. Tay did great today!! After 2 months she's finally done with her IV antibiotics! What a relief! That sure was a long haul! A little bit of a cooler trend coming our way, once it sails by I'll head to the cemetery and start cleaning up. I'm sure it's a mess over there! Bry likes coming and tossing the baseball (right in front of you, haha) His baseball sign ups are at the end of the month. I got him some catching gear at the end of the season last year, he's really into being a catcher! So happy he likes it as much as he does. I want to take him to a Cubs game this year at Wrigley, he'd love it!!! Just got to figure out a good day game so we can go down and back in the same day. Well, my show is on, I'll be back in a few days. Miss you!! (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES*****

Hey there , up for a chat? Just Tay and I and she's snoozing so =) I just made a piece of Salmon and whenever I fix fish it always leads me to thoughts of you. Anyhow, you'd love this! First I blackened it (blackening season) then I topped it with a mushroom-wine -garlic sauce I made, sprinkled on a little freshly grated Pecorino and seared it off in the broiler for a few minutes, sprinkled a little fresh cilantro for color (and I LOVE cilantro). Preetttty tasty! Been a super busy week, I ran over 90 miles in 5 days. My days from 6:25 on were consumed with running. Waking up at 7:30 this AM ... , well it was strange not running all day. Well, Tay and I did slip out for a walk around the lake this afternoon, but it was a relaxed, I could careless kind of trot. Too nice of a day to pass that up. AND, she loves to go! She's still on the IV antibiotics. One more week and she should hopefully be done. She's been on them since January. Pretty sick little girl she was, but she's doing so much better now! I was going to stop by the cemetery today, but I had a car load of kids, sooo...soon. The weather is getting really nice out so I'm sure your grave-site needs LOTS of clean up. Ugh, still after all these years it takes my breath to say 'grave-site'. Bry is going to play baseball again this year. That excites me, A LOT!!! Hope he continues on with the love of the sport, God knows it's certainly my favorite =) 3 more weeks and the real season begins, I CAN'T WAIT!! Ice is off the lake, pool will be opened in a couple months. FINALLY, the happy season!! At least the winter was super wimpy this year! Well, I gotta settle this pup down. He's running through the house barking at something (hopefully not 'someone', haha...kidding) Miss you!! ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES******

Well here I am, betch'a been wondering huh? I'm in the midst of a International running challenge and it's kicking my butt this week. CRAZIES I tell ya, haha! Anyhow, our girl is doing good! Of course her counts not so much, ANC is zero, but at least she's not sick! We have 3 more days of IV antibiotics and she'll be done! Bryson has been sick since last Friday. Well, he got sick Thursday night,was better Friday night, sick again Sunday and just now becoming fever free. Had a snow day today, which was nice cuz it gives him an extra day of recovering without missing school. He should be good to go tomorrow for sure (Man, I hope so...between him being sick and Tay being in the hospital he has missed A LOT of school!!!) Guess what, It snowed...A LOT! Sunday it was nearly 60 and I had Tay out in the stroller for a walk around the lake and then....badness happened! Oh well,next week, back into the 60's, yayyy!! AND the Cubs first spring training game is tomorrow. So, lots of positives to look forward to! Well, sorry to rush things. I've got to get in some more miles here to give me a chance at winning this thing. Already got in 5 miles today, gonna need another 5, then another 5, then another 5 before the day is over! UGH!! Send some energy =) Love you!! (((((((HUGS))))))) ********KISSES*********

Hey there, what a month it's been! I have been meaning to drop by but honestly it's all I can do to sit and concentrate long enough to even chat. Today is the first day I've sat at my computer longer than 5 minutes. But anyhow, we're home! She's still quite sick and has at least 2 more weeks of IV antibiotics to go but I opted to bring her home, she'll recover so much happier here. A BIG ol box filled with all her IV meds was dropped off at the hospital before we left. Along with 2 dozen other meds given at various times throughout the day. They gave me a calendar/chart and I also put a app in my phone and one by one submitted all her meds/dose and time given. Makes things MUCH easier for me! She's tolerating all this quite well. First day was a little rough, I was a few minutes late on the delivery ;) But today I allowed myself some extra minutes to prepare it all and cha-ching...right on time =) She only needed pain meds once today, so that is PROGRESS!! I fell asleep with her a little while ago and woke up with an mandarin orange in my hand and a container of mac and cheese on my pillow = BRYSON, haha! Oh, I'll catch up on my sleep here sooner or later. Now that she's home things will fall in to place...eventually! So, whew! Been a busy and SCARY month but we did it! When she gets sick, she really gives us a doozy! PS. Haven't ran, lifted a weight or ate clean in almost a month. BOO! My body is screaming HELP ME, lol. I'll get back on track with that too! ((((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES***** HAPPY Valentine's Day!

Well here we are at week 3. Last couple days were agony, today... better. ( I had MUCH in front of better, but no sooner did I type it, now her left leg is VERY swollen, Dr C is on his way back in) Still no answers on the other stuff, Nothing has grown on any of the cultures. They switched her antibiotics to even a more broad spectrum and her heart rate has come down and her fevers are gone. So, the question is...how long do we continue this therapy? Poor thing has been so exhausted, she slept all night and most of the day. Now she is pretty upset. I'll be back in a few....as soon as I figure out this stupid swollen left leg thing, ugh!! ((((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES*****

Hey, hey! Let's start with Tay. She's doing MUCH better! Can finally see that 'light'. If all goes smoothly we should be home this weekend. She had a ton of 'fixing' to be done...same ol' Tay! She goes in on Friday to have her temp line taken out and her new port will be put in, plus she'll have her MRI. They'll keep her overnight (possibly 2) just to make sure her counts don't go haywire again and then we'll be good to go. Was introduced to the Palliative Care Docs yesterday, sigh! Everyone (mainly them) assures me that their main purpose is not to take away the treatment she is already receiving but to make sure that with everything going on with her, that the most important thing is always being met....her HAPPY and COMFORT! How can I argue with that?? Gram is coming up in the morning after Bry gets off to school and then I am going to run home and take care of some stupid 'business'. Can't believe how hard life down here can be, as if things aren't stressful enough on me, 'life' has to throw in a HUGE punch to the gut. SUCKS!! You're LUCKY! If it wasn't for my kids still needed me I'd be yelling "HEAVEN, PICK ME PICK ME!!" Just seems no matter how hard I try I just can't seem to win.... Tay's been agitated all evening. No matter what I tried, I just couldn't get her settled down. Nurse gave her some tylenol and benedryl. It helped for about 2 hours and then she was back at it. Resident Dr came down to take a peek at her and of course she was as calm as can be. 5 minutes after she left it started back up again. They ordered ativan for her, but then we changed our minds and decided to just give her a dose of her trazadone a little early. It should be here any time, but in the meantime she's quiet for now. I certainly hope her stress wasn't induced by me! Good god that's the last thing I want. She's so good at feeling me out. As soon as her meds are ran I'm gonna go to bed early. I'm to the point of exhaustion! You know that kind where your body passes out but your mind is still awake? I pushed my bed right up against the window the last couple nights. Our room has a beautiful view and I thought falling asleep to the city lights would help. It's after 1:00 by the time I get to bed and I usually crash within minutes, but my mind never sleeps. I can hear everything going on around me in my sleep, but my body is too exhausted to move. It's in a way like sleep paralysis. It's weird and I don't like! Finally my mind forces my body to wake up and by 5 AM I'm up, still feeling exhausted, UGH! Well, I better go tend to little miss grumpy. She woke back up. Love you!!!! ((((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES****** PS. Keeping Bry with me tomorrow night! I know he's missed a lot of school, but my heart needs him MORE than school does.

Well, things are finally looking better! We'll be here another week, but she is stable and on the uppity =) Scary to think what could have happened had I not acted as fast as I did. Those blood infections can turn on ya pretty quickly, especially on someone as frail as Tay with no immune system. We are on day 8 of a 14 day treatment and then they have to schedule the temp line removal and new port placement and probably a day or two after that is placed she can go home, YAYYYY! All her counts are looking good. Nephrology is monitoring her electrolytes and blood pressure. She's on 3 different blood pressure medications and still she runs high. They said they'll have her meds all tweaked out by the time she leaves, not to worry. I think I've averaged maybe 2 hours of sleep a night since we've been here. Last night I think it was more like ZERO! She had a pretty eventful night that even sent the Doctor in our room somewhere's around 3 AM. She's just stressed, pissed and uncomfortable. Her little heart rate gets going and .... =( She's been awake much of the day so I'm hoping 'tonight is the night of sleep'! But hey, to have her well and back home again, I could care less about my sleep. I'll do whatever it takes! Ohh, I put her little sock on her hand and secured it on with tape. That temp line of hers, once she got her zing back I was petrified she was going to yank it out. She tried a couple times. I was scared to even use the bathroom. Her little sock was laying on the bed so I slipped it on her hand and holy cow...it worked and she was ok with it! Not only does it prevent her from yanking that line out it also prevents her from getting at her head...AND she can still operate CD player!!! Sadly she can't suck her finger to lul herself to sleep, so that could be the reason for the grumpies (just now thought of that) 133/84 was her bp just now, much better but still higher than they want, darn! Well, the nurse also dropped off all her meds and pokes. It'll take me a good 2 hours to get them all through, she has sooo many, so I better get started. Love you! Gram will be here tomorrow =) ((((((HUGS)))))))) *******KISSES*******

Morning Mom! It's been a pretty eventful last several days. It took 2 trips to the OR and 4 hours in surgery yesterday, but the new line is finally in, so they were able to take her infected port out. Wow, are her veins difficult! We were up most of the night. I crawled in bed with her and tried my bestest to sooth her, but she was just soo sad. Breaks my heart! She had morphine on top of the tylenol, but still will 'cry' out. Hopefully the agony wears off soon and she starts feeling better. Hoping today they have a course of treatment plan. I'm guessing she'll be here the rest of this week and all of next. Gram is flying in for a couple weeks to help out. She should be here sometime this weekend. Jarrod said he'd pick her up from the airport and then seeing how she 'drove' to MO she doesn't have a vehicle so I told her she could use my truck. Not like I'm gonna need it. Jarrod and Mara have been stopping by often after work. They live just 5 minutes from here. It's so hard on Jarrod being here though. He spent a lot of time here growing up and it has had a negative effect on him I'm afraid. He worries about her Mom. He almost broke down the other day. He won't even go into Prisms (cafeteria), too many bad memories. The good protective brother that he has always been. You'd be proud of his beautiful character! Gram being here for next week is a HUGE relief cuz I wasn't sure what I was going to do with Bryson. He can't miss another week of school. So I was stressing about that too! I just can't be in two places at the same time! When Tay gets sick, SHE GETS SICK!! I think she's been evaluated by every specialist this time around. Her heart ultrasound came back ok, and she had her kidney ultrasound yesterday. I should have the results from that sometime today. Her labs are improving. Her electrolytes were soo messed up, she had lows they've never seen before. She's on TONS of meds. Seems every day they are adding something. Hopefully she doesn't have to go home on all of them. She's down to 33 pounds (well except for when she bloats up with an excessive amount of fluid, then she gains an immediate 4 pounds) They give her lasix cuz the excessive fluids sends her blood pressure over the top. I think they are finally figuring her out and finding a 'stable'. Now that the new line is in....today should be a very informative planning day . Love you! ((((((((HUGS)))))))))) *******KISSES********

FINALLY, your page has been down for over a week and I nearly lost my mind not being able to talk to you, good grief! Thank goodness you're 'fixed'. We've been in the hospital for 4 days. Really sucks! Her port is infected AND it's in her bloodstream as well. We arrived at ER on Thursday and they immediately drew labs from both her port and arm. They admitted us because her HR was almost 200 and her breathing was CRAZY! However, Peds Hem Onc team said (good news, this doesn't look like a port or bloodstream infection) a few hours later at 4AM the nurse walked in our room and said.. "cultures show a port AND bloodstream infection. We are starting Vanco now," The next day at rounds, Ped's/Hem Onc docs says "this doesn't look like a staph infection, but a much easier to treat one like strep" The next day ... "this is a STAPH infection, more tricky and the port needs to come out". We keep taking backwards steps, can't even get that one step forward. She's needed a blood transfusion, she's neutropenic and her ANC is barely moving in the right direction, her electrolytes are all over the place and her BP is high. She's headed to OR tomorrow, the port has to come out, for a stinkin' week! But at the same time she'll need an access for IV antibiotics and she has ZERO. She's a super hard stick! They are currently looking for expertise in being able to successfully find someone who can do this. Her infected port can't come out if they can't get a guaranteed line in. The possibility and HOPE of a picc line popped up and praying like CRAZY that it's a do-able option. Everything seems to be working against us here so please dear God let this picc line be a YES! They anticipate LOTS of blood draws after surgery and throughout treatment because her electrolytes continue to wreck havoc and they anticipate that to continue. Matter of fact her nurse just walked in and said "now her phosphorous is off so they are adding something else." This is crazy Mom, she needs a break! Whatever you can do up there, PLEASE! BEG God if you have to, I sure am! Brysee is here for the weekend and through tomorrow. Opps, make that through Tuesday, just got a phone call @@@@ (That's ok, I MUCH prefer him being here, with me!) He's sitting across from me on his laptop eating chips with his cute little headphones on. He'll peek over now and then and wave. He's my ROCK! He just brought me a cup full of chips and a coke. Good boy =) We're gonna play monopoly here soon. We were up til 1:00 ish last night. Just keeping each other company. He is love! Thanks Mom, you've helped! I'll update you again tomorrow after surgery when we're all settled back down in our room. This having no port for a week and the LOADS of IV therapy and blood she'll need is destroying my thoughts. My mind is all over the place. It's gonna be a rough week, wish you were here! ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES*******

Morning **yawn**!! Bry didn't have school today so he kept me up til after 1:00 AM, I'm beat! But on a good note I had nothing better to do so when the clock struck 12 and my tracker reset itself to zero...I ran and got in 5 miles for my day, before I even went to bed. Good thinkin huh ;) Gonna try and get some work done before he wakes up. When he finally does get up I'd like to take advantage of my time with him and do fun stuff. So, any unfinished work will have to wait Tay is all snuggled up in your recliner. That head of hers! I think it's getting worse. We go to Infectious Disease this week. Hope they have a better plan. LIKE SURGERY! Hey, we have ice on the lake. Finally (well, I'd been happy with no ice. But we do live in Michigan, so.... ) Enough to skate, yayyy. Only it's so dang cold out. I'm scared, lol. I hate the cold. I've made all sorts of good eats. Sure wish I had YOU to share them with. I've been taking pictures and sending them to Mara and Jarrod ... "LOOK WHAT I MADE". Yeah, that's a sure fire way to get them over here. Food is the way to Jarrod's heart, haha! I remember when he was little. He'd spend the night with you and you'd feed him WELL! One of his favorites was your bacon and bacon gravy. Man he loved that stuff, still does!! Well, I better get busy here. Gotta at least get a start on things. Love and miss you! (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES*****

There are some hugs you get that you never forget, the kind where you just never want to let go! You know...the ones from someone you care an awful lot for, the ones from someone you miss like CRAZY! The one just like we had last night! Thanks Mom, I soo needed that. What an incredible feeling! I pulled in your garage and out you came. I remember seeing you walk through your side door into the garage. Your smile! I remember exactly where I was standing. We wrapped our arms around each other and clung on forever, but clearly not long enough *Sigh*. You were so happy to see me and I you! Your hair was dark and you were just so....I don't know, happy and glowing! I loved it, THANK YOU!! Funny cuz a couple nights ago I was pleading "Please, please, please Mom, come see me. I NEED YOU" and...ta-da =) May this connection we have never end! Hey guess what...I'm making a little individual turkey pot pie, inspired by you! Never made one before, hope it works. I'm making a sage crust (which reminds me of you! You loved cooking with sage) just a top one, no bottom and a wine gravy sauce, which is all me cuz I love cooking with alcohol. Hey at least I don't drink it, lol. Unfortunately Bryson won't eat it. He used to eat anything I put in front of him, but I tell ya, he has really become picky lately. Hopefully this passes soon. Because I find myself cooking 2 different dinners every night! He was bummed today when he had school. He (and secretly me too) was praying for a snow day! Oh well, he only has 1/2 day on Friday so we'll make a fun afternoon out of it. Mr Cub is laying by my feet. I am so in love with that dog. He is awesome! When he stands he's as tall as Bryson and he weighs almost as much as me. Only 6 months old...he's gonna be HUGE! He's such a protector and lover though. Always has to be where we are. Always happy...just perfect! Well, I better get started here. Tons of do! Love you. Thanks again for the best hug ever!! ((((((((HUGS))))))))) *******KISSES******** PS. Little Taylor is slathered in your smell good. She smells just like ya =)

Morning Mom, had a dream about you , but dang can't remember much. Just that you were there. Hmm, at least I remember the most important part. You being there =) Oh my gosh I made blackened catfish last night. Of course whenever I fix something good or new I always always think of YOU! All those dinners you'd come over for. Last night would have definitely been one of them. I crack up 'remembering'. Like me, you were late for everything, but those dinner invites you were always the first one in the door, lol. I have some left to cook, I'm gonna fix some for Bryson today and see what he thinks. He's way way more picky than he used to be, sooo...could go either way with him. Little Taylor, well I stopped the new $7,700.00 med and she's no longer pukey, I told Dr C I think that is what was making her so sick so I stopped it. He wanted me to take her dose down to half and try it again. So I did, and sure enough puke happened with-in 10 minutes after it went down. Figures! She's been on 100's of chemo and other meds tolerating every single one and then the one to help make her head better she can't handle. CRAZY! I don't even know what to do anymore. Her head is simply HORRIFIC! Well, I better go get some miles in. Shelley invited me into another challenge again with some of her friends and...I gotta win =) So, I'm off to get in some miles. Shooting for 20 today and 20 tomorrow, that should more than do it! Then I'll dedicate it right back to the kiddo's <3 Near or far...They are definitely the ones who light my fire! Love you (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES******

Afternoon Momma =) Guess what?! I did it, beat my most miles in one day record. 30.44 miles ON FOOT total yesterday. Darn Shelley added me to a challenge with her and some of her friends, and...had to show em ;) One CrAZy friend in particular kept me going and going AND GOING! I didn't think I was ever going to catch him, but...I did and WON!! More importantly I won for all my cancer kid friends! 30.44 miles dedicated to Childhood Cancer Awareness, I like that! THEY are why I run! Miss you! Doing ok I guess, Tay's head really has me stressed out! I have her in her helmet now (she hates it, but for now is tolerating it). She goes back to infectious disease in 2 weeks and hopefully from there can be scheduled to see Dr Mann for surgery! Her counts were also low this week, so that is another obstacle. They won't do surgery on her if they can't get her neutropenia under control, ugh! Bryson, you know...my 4 year old turned TEN! Good grief have the years FLEW BY! He's growing right up. I hate it! I want him little for MUCH longer! Mmm, I have your crockpout out and in it I have lean porkchops with potatoes covered in a mushroom sauce, red wine, succulent seasonings...smells AMAZING in here!! It'll be cooking all day and when it's done will fall apart in your mouth. Can't wait! Think yesterday zapped me. I need the carbs and protein BIG TIME! Also have chocolate chip cookie withdrawals so I'm making a 'healthy version'. YIKES, I know they won't turn out nearly as good as my regular ones, but at least I won't blow all I've worked for over a plate of cookies! HAHA! Well, that's about all around here. Bit of snow on the ground, but no ice on the lake. It's gonna turn cold next week so I bet we finally get some by mid-next week. BOOO!! Hurry up April! Baseball AND Gram return! Love you Mom ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES****** PS. Cub is doing awesome! Gosh I love that dog! Best heart picker upper ever!

She's so nauseous Mom! Doing everything I can for her, but I haven't seen her like this in years! Do what you can, please! We don't see Dr C til next week. Hope we can hold out that long! ((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES******

Merry Christmas Mom! Not sure what just happened but as soon as your page popped up and I saw your face it took my breath. God I miss you!! I miss the sound of your voice, talking to you every day, I miss the sound of your car pulling in my driveway, I miss the goodies you'd always bring over. I miss staying the night at your house and the smell of your good linen, I don't know what you did to it, but holy cow MMMmmm! I miss the good food you'd always fix us. You loved cooking for people (I love cooking for people too, get that from you ya know) I miss sitting at your dining room table and you sitting next to me while we talked and watched TV together. I miss bringing Tay over whenever I needed a babysitter and you'd be so happy to have her. Believe it or not I even miss the gifts of bra's, socks and underwear you'd always fill me with ;) I miss EVERYTHING Mom,...everything about you I miss like crazy! Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Remember when we'd do it up big and have a house full? I'd always host Christmas Eve and you'd have Christmas Day. We'd have a butt load of food and snacks. This year I'm not doing much. I invited Beanie and Dale over. I'm making stuffed peppers in the crock, a pumpkin roll and some ham roll-ups. Jarrod and Mara won't be here til Christmas Day. Bryson is sooo excited for Christmas! Santa is bringing him a Drone and Tay a new TV =) It's 57 degrees outside right now. I have the window opened and the window fan going. CRAZY, but I love it! Not even a sign of ice on the lake. It'll be well into January at the earliest! Don't think that's ever happened! I had Tay at infectious disease last week (did I tell you this already?) They rx'd her a couple meds. One was almost $8,000.00 and I read in the letter he wrote to DR C that he didn't anticipate it to work. She'll be referred to dermatology for a biopsy and then referred for surgery. It's the only fix, I just know it! Sucks but no other options left! She's been really nauseous this week. That always scares me. I upped her steroid and have her on nausea meds around the clock. Seems to help. Well speaking of. Her pump is about to beep so I better get round 2 ready. Love you Mom!! ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES******

Seems you visited Gram while she was in Missouri =) She just stopped by for coffee and said "YOUR MOTHER! Here I am on vacation and she says to me "Did you buy Tammy some bra's? You know she won't buy them for herself, she doesn't buy anything for herself, you just gotta go out and buy it for her!" I laughed so hard, thanks Mom! You certainly are EVERYWHERE!! But did you have to say 'bra's'? Couldn't you have said maybe socks? Or something a bit less personable, lol. Tay did ok yesterday. Still no real plan for her head. There were a couple options, one had a big red flag to her vincristine and the other Dr C said her kidneys wouldn't be able to handle. The 3rd option just got approved by insurance and I'm picking it up later today. If this doesn't work (which it won't) we will be referred to plastic surgery (Dr Mann), BOOO! But I kinda know in my gut that the only thing that is gonna 'fix' this is surgery. It'll be a long process, but I guess if we're gonna do it, let's just get it done and over with by pool season! No way do I want her missing out on her favorite time of the year! This weather, oh my goodness is it beautiful! Never seen 50-60 in December before! I'm loving it! I've taken Tay for a couple walks around the lake, have had the window open and and...the boat, I wish it were still in the water =) Think we're in for a very green Christmas! Friday is Bryson's last day of school and he is soooo happy!!! Gosh, he got into a little trouble this morning. He said a bad word and I raised my voice to him (which I hate!) and right after his ride to school came, so we parted kind of angry at each other and now I feel poopy about it! He's watching too many youtube video's and the bad words he's picking up are unacceptable!! Time to nip it in the butt! Well, better get busy here. Lots to do, as always! Love and miss you! Thanks again for the laugh!! Definitely something you'd say!! ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES******

Well my morning has just been a blast, haha! 5:30 AM I am awaken to CUB. He's in my bathroom and sees his reflection in the mirror. Of course with a bark like that when you're in a dead sleep. I screamed "CUB!?!?" and next thing I know he's directly on top of me slathering me with too much 'happy'. Ten minutes of that and next he has to go to the bathroom. SO, I let him out IN THE POURING RAIN! He LOVES the rain so instead of just going out and doing his thing, he gets side tracked by all the puddles. I yell "PUPPY TREAT" and he comes flying in. Because one thing he likes MORE than water..puppy treats!! LOL. I give him his puppy treat, grab a few extra's and lure him back to bed. SO, now I have a very excited 65 pound WET lab in bed with me and of all the places on my king sized bed for him to settle in, he chooses ME. He thinks I am hiding more puppy treats, so nudge nudge, poke poke, LICK LICK! Good grief, too much 'togetherness', haha! So needless to say, we just got up. So much for sleeping in on a 60 degree morning, rain pouring down and thunder. IN DECEMBER!! Good thing I'm so head over heels in love with the guy. He's awesome! Just what my heart needed. Of course now he's at my feet taking a nap. Exactly what I should be doing. Wild morning! Hey, Brysee got you a Christmas present. It's so cute. It's a snowman on a sled hanging decoration. It's too big to hang on your tree so I'll have him write your name on the back and we'll find a place close by to hang it. Tay goes to see the infectious disease docs this week. Hopefully we can get this head thing figured out. It's crazy how difficult this thing is to heal up! Otherwise she's doing good. Still so dang little. She weighs 36 pounds. That's gotta be a world record for a 18 year old! You know 2 years ago she was at Devos in ICU. They didn't think she'd pull through, but she did! AGAIN! Well, I better get busy here. I have a wet dog floor to clean up and a few other things to do before Bryson returns. Love you! (((((((HUGS)))))) *****KISSES***** PS. The Cubs are gonna be AWESOME!! Can't wait for baseball season. I'd LOVE LOVE LOVE to go to a game next year!! Wish I may, wish I might....

Heard your voice in my dreams last night. Just a simple 'hi Tammy'. That's all it took, thank you Mom. Cheered me right up =) Bryson has his shopping spree at school on Wednesday. Guess who's number 1 on his list...yep, YOU! Ya definitely have a way with that boy even from wayyyyy up there! See, told ya "I promise to keep you alive in my kids". I hope when I pass I'm number one on someone's 'list'. Heck, I'd settle to just be on someone's list. Period! (((((((HUGS)))))))) *******KISSES*******

Yesterday was Giving Tuesday, a good day to 'cherish', remember, honor and just pay if forward. KINDNESS! I chose some of my favorite friends/charities to honor and rememeber. Make A Wish, Give Kids the World, Lung Cancer Alliance, Domestic Abuse and... the gift of life. I became a organ donor. Never realized what a need there was for this. A My drivers license expired so when I was renewing it online, well...as you say. "Things happen for a reason". The Gift of Life, what better thing to give! And what better motivation to take good care of my body, eat right and stay fit. Not for ME but for whoever may LIVE when I die! Hopefully by the time I join you up there all of me will still be pass-on-able down here, haha! Tay has clinic tomorrow. She was suppose to go on Monday, but holy cow was I sick! Started Sunday in the middle of the night. Bry woke up screaming/crying around 2 AM. I was pretty oozy, but I managed to crawl to the kitchen to get him some tylenol. I layed on the floor and told him "Mom's ok...just feel like I'm gonna pass out. IF that happens, don't be scared, I'M OK" I told him where the tylenol was and pulled myself together long enough (after puking in the trash can) to give him his meds then we both made it to the recliner where we sank into, turned on the TV and just sat for a couple hours. Poor kid! So needless to say, I was in no shape to take Tay to chemo on Monday. Bry and I took care of each other and the Dr office was kind enough to just call in Bry and antibiotic for his ear, cuz there was no way I was able to drive him there. Gram went and picked it up for us. Tay...well she's a champ and hung right in there. Strongest of us all, that's for sure!! I'll chat more tomorrow after or at clinic. Brysee made you an awesome ornament. He drew a picture and had it converted into a heart ornament. All his idea! It's hanging on your tree. You Make A Wish ornament, well the plate fell of, but no worries. Things remembered is AWESOME and are working on replacing it now! Love and miss you! (((((HUGS))))) ****KISSES****

Your Make A Wish ornament, the engravement plate fell out of it =( I don't know what to do, I paid over $50.00 for it so I should send it back, but on the other hand I don't want to be without it ?? So disappointing. I could always super glue it, but...what if I ruined it? UGH, I'll send them an email and see what they say. In the meantime, I have it laying on my laptop. It has some scratches on it I noticed too. Oh well, I'd rather it happened to yours than B's, I'll make it right, promise! Wrap your arms around Sweet Tay tonight will you? Interferon poke just went in. I gave her some tylenol to help with the nasty side effects. Love you! (((((HUGS)))) *****KISSES******

Happy Thanksgiving Mom! Little bit of a struggle today. Kind of hard knowing you'll never have what you once had. I survived though. Getting ready for some more euchre to take my mind off things. Bry is spending the night at Gram's tonight, Little Taylor is sound asleep and Cub is terrorizing all the Christmas decorations. Pouring rain out, but warm. Hope tomorrow is nice so I can get a outdoor run in. Need it! (((((HUGS)))) *****KISSES***** "In all things, give thanks". I am thankful!! Regardless =)

Hi there, put your Christmas tree up. Just now and it's beautiful! I've been buying you an ornament or 2 or 3 every year since you've died and well... it's really filling out! It helps you know, bittersweet, but it helps! Made some cheesy potato soup and banana pecan bread to go with. PERFECT night, thank you!!! Also just finished walking/running for the American Heart Association (and Dad). I ran/walked over 250 miles in 12 days! Yes, I'm beat! Gonna enjoy my 'me' quiet weekend and do NOTHING, get some rest! Love and miss you! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

I'm just shy of half a million steps for the American Heart Association and Dad. I should reach it in a few hours. That's INSANE cuz I never dreamed I'd be able to go that far, I don't know how many miles that is, over 2oo hundred in 10 days!. I've been averaging over 20 miles a day. I have strep throat so yesterday was a little shy of that and today will be a struggle, but....over half a million is a for sure thing! I'm at 484,000 as of now. Plus I still have til midnight tomorrow, so I should hit just under 600,000. Hey, we're gonna put your tree up tomorrow. My favorite and most bittersweet thing to do this time of year. All your ornaments, I love it Mom...but damnit I wish a bigger part of you were here to share with my kids! Got most of my Christmas shopping done, all online! A few little things I'll need to go to the store for, but yayyyy for being almost done!! It's always fun when boxes starting coming in the mail/UPS. I forget what I've ordered so it's a fun surprise, lol. Speaking of your tree, we were grocery shopping the other day at Wal-mart. Bry likes to spend a few bucks at the arcade on the way out. He was playing the 'claw' game and won a reindeer ornament. He comes running with a big smile on his face. "Look what I won for Grandma Joan" =) I love that tradition so much Mom. 2 ornaments of Love this year. Your MAW one I just bought you is still sitting right here next to me. All ready to go on your tree. The new reindeer one will be just as perfect. Well, better get busy here. LOTS to do and I really feel sluggish. Get some meds in me and I'll be good to go. 20 miles....here I come ;) Love and miss you!! ((((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES******* PS. My Cubs...they didn't win the World Series, THIS YEAR. But...we just won BEST rookie, BEST manager and BEST pitcher in the NL!!! No other team in the NL or AL can say that!! GO CUBS!!!!!

Today is 'skip school so you can play with me day' =) Yep, kept him home! Everyone needs a 'fun' day now and then. Learned that from you and Taylor! She had her MRI yesterday.Did you know her MRI's are 13.7 miles long?? Haha! I get so uptight, quiet, loud, I pace, night sweats, mind wandering...I run, A LOT! You'd think after all these years I'd be used to this by now, but I tell ya, it doesn't get any easier. I've learned that things/life/and yes, MRI's when you're least expecting it, can change. No matter how hard you pray, how much you believe, how hard you try and how many promises are made. IT. ALL. CAN. CHANGE! So, whew...glad that's over! Her counts were good, yayyy!! So she can resume chemo. Weight was down a tad, UGH! Another MRI in 2 months again. Well, I'll talk more later, gotta get back to the 'fun'. Breakfast in bed, mmm-hmmm.... Bry LOVES that =) ((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES*********

"Every step I take, every move I make. Every single day, every time I pray, I'll be missing you." That song has played a couple times now today. I remember the original version, by John Waite (wow, that was a LONG time ago). When I was a kid I'd blare it in my room full blast. "TAMMY, turn that music down". LOL, well now I have THIS version blaring =) Bryson starts his bowling league tomorrow and he has all your bowling pins sitting out ready to wear. He snagged the box your ornament came in. I freaked a little (yeah, I'm pretty possessive of your 'stuff') and then 'deep breath, it's just a box...let the kid have it'. And he put them all inside and has it sitting on the bar ready to wear them all tomorrow. So be ready....you're going bowling with us tomorrow ;) Love you! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Well, well...it came =) and it's beautiful! I cried and smiled. "Hope lives on, And love remains" is what I had engraved on yours. I was thinking I need to put the tree up so I can hang it on there, but then I've kept your other ornaments out and hung on and around your shelf so I'm sure that's where this one will go during the 'off season'. In the mean time, it's tucked right here beside me. Love you Mom. I had a very happy happy birthday. LOTS of wishes of happiness. Bry got me the cutest card. Tay and I went for a nice walk around the lake (it was 74 here yesterday!! Unbelievable!) Then later I packed the kids (and Cub) up and we went to Taco Bell (haha, Bryson's choice) I came home and worked it off with some in the house soccer and dodgeball ;) We had FuN! I've wanted a fitbit for a long time now and Bryson has known this. So the other day he says "Here Mom, I've saved up over 50.00 I want you to take this and buy a fitbit for your birthday with it. Whatever money you have to put in for it I'll work it off". HOW the heck could I resist THAT offer. No I didn't take his money and no I'm not gonna make him work it off. It's the sweet thought that counts. He's such a good hearted sweet boy! =) I love it! Still haven't figured it all the way out yet. But it's a purchase I'm glad I made! I'm picking him up from school early today, just before lunch. For LOVE (and fun!) Well, better get 'running' here. Shelley has one too and has sent me a challenge, YIKES! I love you Mom... thanks ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES******

Had a few errands to run and at the end of the afternoon Bryson wanted a pizza. So I order over the phone and when the time comes pull right up next to the door and he runs in to pick it up. It wasn't ready yet so he comes back out ... "I just wanted to tell you it's gonna be a little while, I'm gonna wait inside but didn't want you to worry". He shuts the truck door and runs back inside. Yeah, sweet thoughtful boy. Anyhow, about 15 minutes goes by and out he comes. Pizza, and a few extras (he's good at that, but I don't mind) He has this big smile on his face. "The pizza lady loved my necklace, she asked me about it and I told her it was my Grandma Joan's who died and is in Heaven." He told her all about you and she listened and told him what a wonderful Grandma he has. I just love this Mom. He was only 19 months old when you died but yet he knows SOOO much about you. I can be happy and pat myself on the back for this... I keep you around the house, EVERYWHERE, share stories about you! But it's YOUR love, kindness and gentleness that lives in his heart. I thank YOU for that! Losing you was the hardest thing my heart has ever been through, but seeing you live INSIDE my son....is by far the sweetest! THANK YOU Mom ! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Morning Mom, I slept like a rock last night. Finally! Feel MUCH better this morning! The doves of 'love' will be arriving tomorrow! Can't wait! Funny thing about that. Bry has no idea, I like him to be surprised so I haven't told him about yours yet. Anyhow, the other day...a couple days after I ordered them (one for you, one for B) Bry comes running in "I just saw two Doves outside!!" He's really into bird watching. He'll actually bait them and try to catch a few. All he's caught however are those little orioles. He's never even seen doves until a couple days ago. I gave him my camera so he could get a picture, he got a couple blurry shots of one of them, seems they are a bit shy, haha! He'll sit out there for a good 30 minutes 'waiting'. He saw them again yesterday but by the time he got the camera they were gone again. Doves showing up, right after I order 2...coincidence? Nah....I BELIEVE =) Anyhow, Tay had Dr C yesterday. It went 'so so'. We started out at the helmet place. Of course with her awkward head they didn't have a fit for her so one had to be ordered. It should be here tomorrow or Friday for sure. Her chemo has been resumed but her darn counts are too low for temodar, UGH!! She has to have them re-checked on Tuesday (here) and if they've came up she can start. She has an MRI in 2 weeks. I know getting in a dose probably won't make a difference, but for piece of mind I'd sure like to get that dose in before her MRI on the 16th! Well that's all for now. You'd be loving this weather Mom. I don't know when the last time it was in the 70's on my birthday? Not sure there ever was a time. LOVING IT!! (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES******

Guess what? They've been shipped! Both should reach their destination on or before Nov 6th. You know what this means....UP goes the Christmas tree, haha! Hey, I want to share some of the most romantic, funny and loving words my ears have ever heard. Your Grandson's wedding vows. If we all could find this kind of love...oh what a world this would be! Here they are Mom. Such a beautiful and perfect wedding. I KNOW you were in the room, I mean how could you not be! Love you!! "Mara you inspire me to be a better person every single day. You have a bigger heart than anyone I have ever met. You are the funniest, most honest and most caring person that I know.You are my rock. You are my one true love. And you are my best friend. I promise to keep our fun, romantic, date nights alive. I promise to be a great father to our 4, 5 or if I'm lucky 6 babies. I promise to cook you dinner if ever there be a time you think that to be a good or safe idea. I promise to dance with you always. I promise to care for your every need, even when the Cubs are on. I promise to love you for ever single day for the rest of my life." (((((((HUGS))))))) ******KISSES******

Morning Mom, been up for awhile. Just took a bit to get going. Settled in now with a cup of coffee so here I am. I ordered ornaments yesterday =) Should be arriving right around my birthday, can't wait! I kept going back and forth with which ones to get. It was hard to get the engraving on just right, nothing was fitting right. There were 3 new ones to choose from. A snowflake, an Angel...was pretty but again when I went to have it engraved it just didn't workout. Sooo, Doves it is =) And you know what they say about doves, so yep, I got two! One for you and one for B. Ironically the engraving worked on BOTH. Now I freak for the next week hoping I did it right ;) It's hard to see online what they really look like and I'll never see B's, sooo sure hope it turns out. Anyhow, they'll be arriving next week! YAYYY!! Anyhow, lets talk about Tay. Her head....oh my word. It is at its worst. If you can send some magic, guidance or anything at all. Please oh please! Everything I try is a huge FAIL! She gets fitted for her helmet before clinic next week, but in the meantime...what do I do? I'm trying some natural methods to induce healing but it tore up her stomach. I made a nice head wrap and topped it off with wrapping her hood around her head in duct tape...haha, I know. "Tammy, what in the world"? is what you're thinking. But she had it ripped off in no time. I just don't know what to do anymore. Her counts are holding up, thank goodness. But her chemo is all on hold because it inhibits healing and they are so worried about an infection setting in. It's always 1 step forward and 2 steps backwards and after all these years of struggling like that, I'M SICK OF IT! She deserves a break! So, please oh please....put in a good word for us, will you? I miss you ya know. You were always the best person IN THE WORLD to have around on my birthday. After all these years, I still miss that. I miss YOU! (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES******* PS. Bryson scavenged through your jewelry box and has been wearing your necklace to school for the last few days. Just now realizing this, but I think the bird on it...IS A DOVE??

In the middle of an Ammaazzing dream last night and THEN...I feel this lick lick and RUFF RUFF! I jump up screaming "ARE YOU INSANE?? WHAT THE HELL IS A MATTER WITH YOU??" I realize, the amazing dream was just a dream, it's 3AM and Cub needs to go potty, UGH! Good thing I love that poochy pooch so much, haha! Morning Mom. I keep finding my way to you. I just spent an hour or so checking out the new Make A Wish ornaments. They have 2 new ones out so it's eeny meeny miney moe. I'll get both of course, one for you and one for B but it's who gets which one? I have a $30.00 off $100.00 coupon, that's good til Nov 7th, soo I have a couple weeks to decide. Still have your's from last year hanging up. Just some things I can't put away. Hey, guess what?? Brysee got an A++ on his spelling test!! He's doing soooo good in school this year!! Super proud of him =) Tay is adapting to her new school change. She lost a couple therapist due to cut backs. They wanted to send new people out and there is just no way that is going to happen. So, I do what I can and her teacher and speech therapist still come. Pretty nice day here today. Warm! Trees are gorgeous! It's windy though,so those pretty leaves will soon be on the ground! You always loved fall, but you hated what the leaves did to your lawn. You and your lawn, I tell ya ;) If Heaven has a lawn, I am certain you are one of the caretakers! Well, better get going here. Tay is ready to get up, she's back there hollering at me. I love you!! Oh and if you have any 'pull' up there. GOOO CUBS!!! ((((((((HUGS))))))) ******KISSES******

Had a dream about you last night, THANKS! I love it when you pop in for a visit, I always wake up happy happy happy! And with the way these darn ballgames keep turning out, I NEED something/someone to make me smile! To top it off, also woke up with Cub lick, lick, licking me all over the face, ewww, haha! He's so funny. He sleeps with me, EVERY STINKING NIGHT. It wouldn't be bad, but he has to lay RIGHT next to me. King sized bed and he has to be right there next to me, touching me the entire night! He's just a big ol' goof ball lug head. PERFECT =) Well, not a lot to chat about his AM. Tons to do here and I really need to start off with a good workout. Soo, thanks again for the dream. Love you!!! ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES*******

Never thought a baseball game could take more out of me than running a marathon, but holy cow...these last couple weeks, my nerves are hanging on by a thread! SOO glad there's not a game I'm interested in tonight to watch, because... I. NEED. A. BREAK!! My heart is soooo high strung! Ohh, Hi Mom ;) been meaning to stop by for a good week now, seems you're always on my mind. Just getting too preoccupied with 'life' I guess and I tell ya, I'm not very good at the life thing lately! But here I am, with a plate full of cookies and a cup of coffee. Bry should be getting off the bus in a few minutes and after Tay is done with her 'school' teacher we're headed out to run a few errands. Bry made me promise I'd wait for him. He wants to go to MC Sports. He's obsessed, haha! Nice day here today...should have taken Tay for a walk. But the day seemed to run away from me. Not much at all accomplished. I'm so whooped with all this baseball watching. Keeps me up late, then my mind races and next thing I know it's the next morning and time to the do it all over again. Feel like I've been hit by a truck! On a good note, Bry is scoring all A's and B's so far. Well...except for Language Arts. When I checked his status online it says he's getting a C+, not bad...but I confronted him and his answer was "Yeah, I'm just not a fan of that class". LOL, ok good enough answer for me. At least he's honest. Well, better get going here. Cub puppy is up to something AGAIN. Good thing he's a "CUB". He ate my phone charger last night, UGH! WHILE IT WAS PLUGGED IN. Lucky dog I tell ya! SCARY! Now he's got...! See ya! ((((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES*******

As you know...CUBS WIN! I tell ya, I haven't been that worked up in a LONG time. Made myself sick over this game. Kept changing the channel, hard to watch. I was texting Jarrod back and fourth, that helped! CrAZy I know, over a ballgame, but....CUBS WIN!! Next to the kiddo's no one makes me happier then they do =) Well, a Pup named CUB is pretty cool too. Anyhow, better get busy here. I've got a workout to get done. I have LOTS of energy to burn off this AM ;) And tons of 'other stuff' that needs done. Love you! Tay has Dr C tomorrow. She's getting a little helmet. Can't wait to see how THAT goes over with her. She's gonna be soooo mad, haha! (((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES****** PS. Thank you!

I love how cooking lifts my spirits =) The heavenly smells of pulled pork roast (plain for me BBQ for Bryson) are floating through the house, along with fresh rolls to put it on and homemade blueberry crisp with the blueberries I picked this summer. MAKES ME THINK OF YOU, so thought I'd stop by and say hi. Think I'll even take it up a notch and make some mashed potatoes and gravy. I've be hard at working out so a cheat day won't hurt me a bit ;) Bryson got an A+ on his spelling test yesterday, he's doing really well in school. He's not real fond of his teacher though, which has me concerned. He said she yells, A LOT! I asked him if he wanted me to talk to her and he says "NOOOO, she'll yell at me, she yells at everyone!" He's scared of her, and I don't like that! Send me a little guidance on how to broach this, will you? Tay is doing good. Her head is as nasty as ever though, but I have her nausea under control. Hoping to see the Wound specialist this coming week when we go in for chemo. She'll also get her helmet so that alone should help with the healing process. At least I can apply all the necessary 'fix it' meds without her ripping them off! Wish she'd gain some weight though. Size of a 5 year old,weighing only 37 pounds. She too is doing good in school though. She made me a pretty sunflower picture last week and she LOVES being read to. All in all I should be lucky and happy. She's so much further along than what they said she'd be. My Cubbies....well they are doing awesome! I predicted they'd win 87 and so far they are at 95 and headed to the postseason. The BIG game is set for Wednesday and honestly, I don't think I'll be able to watch. I don't know...I just get so worked up, emotional and well it's CrAZy! Think I'd be better watching with one eye closed the results Thursday morning. Crazy how a sports team can have such and effect on me. I LOVE LOVE LOVE them sooo much =) Anyhow, better get going here. I've got TONS of other not so fun stuff to get done today. Love and miss you!!! (((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES*******

Had a dream about Dad last night, crazy cuz I haven't dreamt about him since I was a kid. Anyway I think it was a message more than a dream. I was driving down a big hill getting ready to go over a bridge and there was a big semi coming. Dad was the driver and he pulled the truck way over and let me go through. I don't remember if he said the actual words or it was the feeling I got but as I passed he smiled and "I'm watching out for you" was what I heard and felt. Anyhow, just thought I'd share that with you, even though I'm sure you already know =) Just got Bryson off to school. He wanted to stay home again, UGH! I soo wish! My ballgame was on a rain delay last night so we watched the Royals while we waited it out. He wanted to stay up and watch all of it but after his late night the night before there was just no way! Cubs finally got going and he watched the first then off to bed. I always feel so guilty. Wish I home-schooled. We'd have our own schedule and could stay up watching the ball-game together whenever we wanted and no pushing him out the door to school the next morning! Oh well, life right? I love you....miss you like crazy! I gotta get another workout in and tons of 'stuff' to do around here. Little Taylor is awake, singing! (((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES***** PS. Tell Dad thanks!

11 innings later, CUBS WIN! Think that was a game I wanted them to win more than any game I've watched this season. You know, for spite ;) Gotta show folks that hate the Cubs #WeAreGood! Anyhow, it's been a great year for baseball. I've enjoyed every minute of and haven't missed a game (well the 2 that fell during the wedding, but I kept track on my phone) Bry was up till 10 watching with me, he was rooting for the dang Royals so I had to slap him a few times, haha...kidding. He just likes to tease me (and when it comes to the Cubs, IT WORKS!!) He didn't want to go to school today. "I just want to spend it with YOUUUUU". It took every bit of strength in me to make him go. He came home yesterday, sprinting off the bus and flew in my arms. "MOM, I MISSED YOU SOOO MUCH!!!" God I love that kid's 'Royal' butt =) Hey, had a dream about you the other night. We were at your house and it was great! Woke up the next day to your smiling face on my facebook page. Thank you for that! Just like always...you're always there! Well, I better get going here, got to burn off some calories. Too many cookies last night. I am really enjoying this weight lifting thing! Love you!! ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES******* PS. I made soup last night too, "Holy Cow"...Chicken Cordon Bleu. Turned out amazing, but like the cookies has a bazillion calories! I REALLY gotta life A LOT of weights today AND RUN ;) See ya!

Well, well. Yesterday sure was an up and down day. "Little Taylor" had clinic. For the past few visits her kidney test has been high, which eventually led to a chemo hold. UGH, that just makes me sooo nervous. Bad things happen when she misses too much of her chemo. Well thank goodness yesterday revealed it is coming back down, but he showed me the graph and it is clear...it is taking a toll. So, he reduced her dose by 1/2. NOT happy but..it could be worse. Everything else looked great! Even her sodium is back up to where it needs to be. Now for that nasty wound on her head. Last time they thought it looked a little better, but this time it looks worse. With all the antibiotics and fungal meds she's on they didn't culture. YET. They did however put in a referral to the Wound specialist, hoping to get someone down yesterday to see her. But, that didn't happen either. She should be able to see them at our next visit though. He measured her for a helmet. That little hand of hers is SOOO fast she rips off whatever I put on her. Hoping a helmet at least keeps the treatment pads/meds in place long enough to do something! Her weight is back to stable. She had lost a couple pounds because she was so darn nauseous but is back up to 37 pounds....about the size of a 5 year old. CRAZY isn't it. Just goes to show you what 18 years of chemo does to a body =( We got out of there a little after 1 and I had to race back home to get Bryson. All my backups failed me. Gram is gone for another week, dang to I miss all she does for me. Guess you don't really realize just how much you count on someone until they're not there anymore to do it. Anyhow, I ended up calling the school and they kept him until I got there. It was only about 10 minutes, but still! Bry wanted pizza so I stopped at the little store across from the school, they make pizza's, pulled right up next to the door, gave him 20.00 and he went in and ordered himself a cheese pizza, lol. Comes back out with his pizza, a soda and some nerds. Ohh and a HUGE smile on his face. He really is a good kid. He's picked up a few bad habits from school that I'm working on, but...he's a good kid Mom, you'd be proud! So, I thought I'd wear all the kids out last night, we started out with a paintball competition, this time I wasn't the target, haha! I set up pop cans across the ball field. His accuracy is getting REALLY GOOD! We went through a tank of C02 each and 1,000 paintballs, YIKES! Then we played "Cub in the outfield" with Cub puppy. So funny! We hit or throw the ball and he chases after it and is getting really good at bringing it back to us. Afterwards went down to the lake. Bry and Cub jumped right in. It is sooo nice here still. Hard to believe the lake is still warm enough to swim in, but it is! They played in the water for over an hour. The pup was a mess (well so was Bryson) and both needed a shower when we came in. I thought, I THOUGHT it would wear them all down, but they were going strong (even Taylor) till 10 PM! Cubs' wrestling, Bry's on the computer and Taylor is blasting her music. So much for a quiet evening, but you know...I wouldn't have it any other way. A happy ending to a stressful start. Love you. Soo glad I have your patience and heart to get through days like yesterday. PS. My Cubs...oh my word. They are doing AWESOME. Your Tigers, not so much (oops, sorry!) LOVE YOU! (((((HUGS))))) *******KISSES******* Miss you!

Morning Mom, love finding my way to you. Been a long week, sooo tired! Had Tay's blood re-drawn on Tuesday. Her kidneys are struggling and sure enough...they continue to struggle so we are back on a chemo hold. Her sodium is also falling and she's nauseous. SO, please....HELP! I'm hoping hoping hoping it is just from dehydration, so I'm giving extra fluids w/sodium. We go to Dr C next Friday. But dang that's a lot of chemo to miss until then. Scares me! Her head...I'm not seeing much improvement. There are days that 'maybe' it looks better, then days like today that, ugh! Looks like hell and just will not heal! Brysee....he's doing good! School isn't too bad, so far! He hates being away from me, but once he gets out the door the rest of his day goes well. Little does he know, I hate it too! He only has 1/2 day today...yayyy!!! He's so funny. Yesterday I was in the pool with Taylor (GORGEOUS day here!) Cubs game as on and you know me and the ballgame. HATE to miss a game, but Tay needed to get in her pool. So Bry kept me up to date. I tell ya, he is the best commentator EVER, lol. AND not only...he made me a snack and served it pool-side. What a boy! We're starting a new 'sport'. Paintballing. We're each hooked up with a paintball gun and off we go, to shoot the other. Yeah! Never played before but heard IT HURTS! I'm scared, haha! I told Bry "I'm wearing full carhartt suit, hiking boots, thick gloves, a full blown ski mask with neck protector and his quad helmet. He laughed and said "I'm going naked". We pick our stuff up tonight from a friend who sells it. Cub puppy...doing great! Bry and I have taught him how to jump in the pool. Well, it sure didn't take much, as you know Labs LOVE the water. He does need a little more grace though. Such a clutz. Hoping he grows into himself someday. He's getting BIG. And his sleeping habits must change. He wraps himself around me, right on my pillow ALL NIGHT LONG and has to have the fan on. Then around 3 AM he's up to go potty and **thinks we need to play for a good hour or two. Between him and a pukey up 1/2 the night Taylor I am beat! Gosh I think she was up a dozen times last night, poor girl. It's heart wrenching to see her gag so much. I finally gave her some sleep meds and paused her feeds for 30 minutes. It lasted a couple hours and she was back up and at it again. She's in your recliner now watching Barney. Seems fine, but then she's not feeding either. I've gotta get her fluids going here soon. So,.... (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES****** Miss you ya know, miss your advice, words of wisdom and your outlook on 'everything is gonna be ok' attitude. Love you!!!

Good morning! Had a dream about you last night =) I spent the weekend at your house. I don't remember a whole more about it than that. You gave me present, it was full of candy, flowers and a teddy bear, hey...I LOVED it! Real or not, thank you! I cleaned out your lighted cabinet yesterday. Oh my word...what an embarrassing mess it was! The light attracts moths and other little bugs and it was ick! Looks great now though. Randy changed the bulb in it for me a few weeks ago when him and Shelley were down. It needed a little 'work' being mounted properly so he took care of that too. Well, we are on day 5 of the chemo hold. I'm hanging in there, BUT the darn antibiotic is still not in, so we haven't even started it yet. He wants to see her again on Friday and if we see improvement she can start back on her chemo, but....not gonna happen without the right meds. Gram is all set to pick it up today. They said it'd be there after 4, sooo please oh please let it be here !!!!! Bry and I are having this little 'fish' off going on. Gonna fish off the dock all week after dinner, see who can catch MORE and saving them for a fish fry. Oh yes, I said your favorite words. FISH FRY! He definitely out-fished me yesterday. The little turd stole my spot ;) He got some pretty big sunfish! Well,while I'd love to stay and chat, I'm a sweaty mess and really need to hop in the shower. I've been strength training and while I LOVE what it does for me, what it does too me is rough! Had to stop for a few minutes today. Nearly passed out and puked at the same time . But ya know, that is exactly how you tell it is an AWESOME workout! I know...you're shaking your finger at me ;) I love you! ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES*******

"Death is nothing at all... Speak to me in the easy way you always used." SOO glad I believe this cuz I have a feeling I'll be talking to you A LOT over the next week! I have 18 doses of chemo to hold, it's gonna be a long and stressful week, thank goodness you're a good listener! BIG gun antibiotics should be in tomorrow (I HOPE!) Love you (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES***** PS. The lasagna was a BIG hit =)

What a BUSY morning! Tay has chemo, Bry dropped off at Gram's and prepping dinner for the most amazing man ever ;) YOUR lasagna of all things, can't go wrong there now can I ! Sitting in her room with a view...a bittersweet view of the heart center. I remember times sitting in this same room not even able to look out that direction, guess I've come a long way huh? Dr. C just walked in. She has a nasty wound on the top of her head that (looks HORRIBLE) and just will not heal, so he's holding a couple of her chemo's for a week and putting her on a stronger antibiotic, UGH! This holding chemo thing makes me super nervous, but that wound could be a more serious problem so it needs aggressive attention! Her counts were great by the way. Hemoglobin is down to 8, but 'ok'. She's lost weight , back down to 35 pounds. She's been nauseous all week and I've had to cut back on her feeds. Wow, telling you all this...guess she's NOT doing that great is she? Just look over her Mom, will you please? He's sending me home with a bunch of other 'stuff' too so I know I can get her back to where she was. PINKY PROMISE!! Bryson started 4th grade this week. He came home his first day, said 'school was great and he loves his teacher', so as much as it pains me to have him gone all day I gotta smile =) It was funny the other day he says to me "Mom, I want Grandma Joan chicken noodle soup" then he runs out the door and says "Call me in when it's ready". HA, I don't have the fixin's for it and no sooner did I think it when Gram Beanie drives in and Bryson runs back in the door "Mom, I'm going to Grandma's house to play". Yep...saved by 'TWO GRANDMA's' ! I'll pick up the stuff this weekend and make it for him next week. "Grandma Joan chicken noodle soup" =) (((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES****** Love you!

Two times in one day, well actually 3...I visited you at the cemetery today too =) Had to go to the Family dollar in Remus to pick Bry up a few school supplies. I always always think of you when I go to that store. You were so excited for it to open in Remus. Tiny town of Remus didn't have much, so when it finally opened you found your way there A LOT! You'd always bring me 'stuff'. I'd tell you "Mom, I don't pay you to work for me so you can spend on me", lol. You'd always come back with "I like doing it while I'm able, one of these days I won't be able to anymore". Never thought you wouldn't be 'able to' quite so soon. Anyhow, today I bought YOU some things. Took them to the cemetery. You needed new 'stuff' anyhow and I like doing it for you as long as I AM ABLE ;) 3 of the things I got you....one says "Love", one says "HOPE" and one says "DREAM", sooo I am hoping the dream one sends you to my dreams cuz it's been awhile and I could most definitely use a HUG!! Bryson still wanders when we are there, I'll look over and he's several neighbors down from you just doing 'his thing'. I give up asking him what he's doing. I remember when he was real little and he'd do that. I'd get after him and he'd say "GRANDMA JOAN SAID I COULD!!!" He was maybe 3 ish when he started telling me this. I believe him =) Tomorrow he starts school. I just sent him to bed about 30 minutes ago. He still sleeps with me (shhh.... I know, 2 kids and 4 dogs it's no wonder I don't get much rest, right?) But it's one less bed I have to make, lol. Well, best get going here. Cubs are losing, ugh! Have a load of laundry to fold. I'll be back in a few days. Love you Mom!! ((((((HUGS)))))) *****KISSES*****

Good morning, I've been by here a few times..ya know just the quiet visits. Was gonna 'chat' with you last night, but then the game was on and the no-hitter had me a little too anxious to concentrate on anything else. Anyhow, went camping with Shelley and Randy (her boyfriend) this weekend. You know me, I LOVE camping but I was a little hesitant....getting out, taking the kids and the pup. I'm sooo cautious with Taylor and the being around people who 'don't get it', but it was GREAT, I LOVED it! Just what I needed and Tay did SUPER (well, you know she would. It was more I did SUPER! ) You would have loved it, I actually kept thinking that to myself, "Mom would have LOVED this!) Their camper is really nice, the campsite was HUGE and the park/beach...couldn't ask for nicer. They have kayaks, FOUR of them, so Me, Kelsey, Bry and Seth went out. The kids all had fun! Kels took a fishing pole and fished from her Kayak. Bry and Seth goofed a little then they'd dock for a bit at the beach and swim. Wish I would have taken my good camera and got some pics out there, pretty awesome view, but then that's me, in the midst of all the fun I think "Man wish I had my camera", lol. Shelley is a big help so it worked out really well. My mind and body was able to relax, GOOD!!! The pup (Cub) socialized and made friends with EVERYONE! He was the main attraction everywhere we went. He's really is a good puppy! You'd like him =) It was the perfect 'end of summer' get away! Sooo glad I went! Then, last night before the game started Bry wanted to go fishing. So I sat out on the dock for a bit with him. Tay was OUT...the trip wore her right out so she pretty much slept the rest of the evening/through the night. Bry was catching fish after fish after fish. Even caught two turtles on his hook (YIKES) Blue Lake Tavern had a live band, which I've never been able to hear across the lake before. They were playing a mix of everything, so it was nice to sit and listen while he fished. Last song they played 'Take Me Home', by John Denver. I tell ya, it gave me chills. You're just EVERYWHERE aren't you Mom. The PERFECT weekend, sealed with your approval <3 I love you and I miss you like CRAZY!! ((((((HUGS))))))) ******KISSES****** PS. Today is Jarrod's HAPPY Birthday =) But of course you already knew that. You never ever missed a birthday!

Well hi there =) You were wondering when I was going to drop by today weren't you? Figured I'd wait til the very end of the day so I could tell you all about it. Today was good Mom, the days working up to it...no so much, felt like someone was sitting on my chest for the last few days. Something about losing the love of your life on the love of your life's birthday, UGH! Made a little birthday tribute for the birthday girl. I worked on it for days and when I went to download it they wanted $150.00, UGH! My subscription ran out. Fortunately I had a different program on my laptop, time rushed me and it was no where near the quality of what I had originally made up... But it got finished in time for her happy birthday! Sooo, about today. I was working on the computer this morning. Jumped up to get some coffee. Grabbed your cup from the cupboard and as I was filling it up the clock said 8:18 ...yep yep, our sign =) and the BEST way to start my day! THANK YOU!! Tay had clinic today, she had kind of a rough night last night, pretty nauseous so before we headed out this morning I loaded her up with fluids, zofran, prednisone and tylenol. Must have worked cuz she giggled the rest of the day! I baked some fresh chocolate chip cookies before we left to take to clinic and she got lots and lots of happy birthday wishes! Her nurse even brought her a gift =) Her counts came back really good. Red cells are starting to falter...at this rate it'll be a few more weeks yet before she'll need blood. At least her neutrophils are holding strong! It was a pretty quick 3 hour visit and I even had a nice chat with the coffee lady. Also stopped by the gift shop. Every now and then I stroll through and something will jump out at me. Today it was a gift for a friend. She needs a smile or two or three. Hopefully this will do it. As I was waiting for valet to bring me my truck the attendant noticed my Cubs shirt. Seems he's also a Cubs fan and well...when one Cub fan meets another, conversation happens =) LOVE MY CUBBIES Mom, I could talk about them forever, but valet was pretty on top of things today so the 'talk' only lasted about 10 minutes. Speaking of they're playing your Tigers tonight. In the middle of a rain delay now, but your putting the hammer to us so I am **hoping** like heck it gets postponed and we can start a new game all over again!! The drive home was quite dramatic! I was getting on 131, accelerating...and my gas pedal stuck! Scariest driving experience I've ever had! I called Ford as soon as I got home. My truck isn't even a year old, that should NOT have happened. They were VERY concerned. Wanted me to bring it right in. Bry has a dentist appointment tomorrow so I'm dropping Tay off at Grams and then I'll take it in on my way to the dentist. They have another vehicle for me for the few days it may be there. But whew! Crap, ball game resumed, lol. I love you! Thanks for seeing me through another year of 'today'. I love and miss you!! (((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES******** PS. I have your flowers sitting right next to Tay's =)

I wrote this to you a year after you died.... "I had another dream about you last night Mom. It was Taylor's birthday and you were sitting in the glider rocker at my house...in the kitchen. Debbie was sitting at the table. I saw you and asked Debbie if she could see you, she said 'no'. I asked you if you were ok and you said 'yes' then I asked you if you were eating ok and you said 'yes' than my last question...I asked you if you were smoking and you said 'nooooo Tammy'. I smiled, touched your hair, it was darker, with more curl and a little longer. I took your hand and placed it in Debbie's hand and she smiled...she could feel you, then she started telling you EVERYTHING! She was really happy to be able to 'feel' you and talk to you. Then I woke up. I miss you so much Mom! Beanie's been bringing us green beans and red potatoes from the garden and now the corn and tomatoes are coming in. I think 'oh how Mom would have LOVED these'!!! My day to day activites...the little things that happen, I still think of you and wonder how you would have liked them, how I wish you were here. Bry is soooo funny, I know you'd be taking him over to your house to spend the night and I know he'd go in a heartbeat! You'd love him Mom! Tay is doing good, she goes to Dr Droste on Tuesday. Jarrod is doing good too, he starts back to college soon. I love you Mom, thank you so much for your visit! It is so nice to be able to see you, touch you and talk to you in my dreams! I LOVE AND MISS YOU!!!!!! ******KISSES******* (((((((HUGS)))))))) " I hate August...still. So many mixed emotions/memories. Folks said "Oh in time you'll forget the bad memories and be left with only the good." Well 8 years later and I still remember the horrible month of August! But I loved this memory, so glad I write to you as often as I do... =) Love and miss you! (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES******

Just waking up ( I KNOW!!) Yesterday hit me like nothing before. All of a sudden there we were, at the hospital getting ready for her MRI. I think with the wedding, all the company and all my running my mind just blocked out all the 'what ifs' and then....WHAM! Here we are, she's on her last straw, running out of options and no more road maps to re-write. The out come of this MRI is...well it leaves you with a feeling NO ONE can explain! I paced, I prayed and I visited the track to try and get my mind elsewhere, but no matter what I did I felt like someone had my heart in the palm of their hand clasping down tighter and tighter. I stopped in the Chapel and I know God doesn't heal a child based on who prays the most for them, but I do it anyway. I do it for the love it brings me, the faith and the hope. I know one day will be an 'even if He doesn't' day and I'll need every lick of strength of hope, faith. love and "BELIEVE" I can get!! The more I pray, the more others pray for us....the better of a person I become. I'm weak as heck...it is God who holds me up, THAT I know!! I love you Mom. A good night sleep...by body still feels like it's been hit by a truck. Guess 15 miles a day will do that to you. But I'll be OK!! ((((((((HUGS))))))))) ******KISSES*******

Tried going to bed, body is completely worn, ....my body says 'take me' but my mind says 'not a chance'. It's going 10000 mph. Tay's MRI is on Tuesday. Starting off with chemo, then her MRI and back up to Dr. C for results and to top it off...how in the world am I gonna get my 15 miles in ?? I'll take my stuff with me and hopefully get in a few or so miles while she's in MRI. Do what you can to help me along, I'll need all the push I can get =) And about that MRI...Got to have good results Mom, GOT TO!!! Missing everyone right now and I HATE August. No matter how many years go by, August will always SUCK!!! (((((HUGS)))))) *****KISSES******

We're you wondering ....when's she coming to chat? Got lot's of family here ya know. Florida came to Michigan and they brought the weather with them =) It's be FANTASTIC!! All are here except Becky, Dino and Dylan. Got em all staying with me and I'm loving every minute of it. Shelley and the kids are coming down for the day on Wednesday. I'm so glad I'm the 'hostess' of family get together's....I get to be with them all EVERY SINGLE DAY they are here!!! Those little great grandkids of yours....holy cow are they cute and just perfect kids! You would love them to pieces! We've been having such a great week! Chip took the week off so he's been coming over every day, piloting the boat and taking everyone tubing. He fits right in with the family and they love him. VERY thankful he's doing this for us! Then by night we've all been playing our famous 'wiffle ball'. This year we teamed MI vs FL. FUN STUFF!! Pretty cool when you have a big enough family to make up 2 ball teams! Was hoping to get Debbie, Sandy, Richelle and her kids up....but we've only known about this for a year ya know, guess that's not enough notice for em @@@@ MAD about that, but oh well. Just means MORE time with them for me!!! And at least Shelley and her kids will be down....oh my goodness Mom, they too are getting sooo big! I think Kelsey is the same age as Brigham, 14 and gonna be a Freshman this year, WOW! Now for the wedding. Ya know...all these years I've always thought 'the happiest day of my life was when my kids were born'. When I saw my son marry the girl of his dreams. Heard the vows they each wrote to each other and saw the way they looked at each other... THAT right there was the happiest day/night of my life. My child's greatest happiness IS my greatest happy. And then, the Mother/Son dance with Jarrod. He chose the song "To Make You Feel My Love" He whispered in my ear just before it started playing "You know what song I chose?? The one you always sang to Taylor" UGH, I sure fought back the tears on that one. He kept saying. "Don't you cry now". LOL, yeah right. I think I buried my head into him a few times. That was the best wedding I've ever been to. Just AMAZING!! Hey, I saw Dave....oh my gosh how wonderful that was! He looks great Mom. Still driving truck and just doing awesome! It was a great night, great reception. Little Ellory kept pulling me to the dance floor, she is such a super cutie! A picture of Lisa. She'd go up to someone and say "Where's Aunt Tammy". Then away we'd go to the dance floor. "The Cha cha"...one of our favorites ;) She's sleeping still, waiting for her to come walking up the stairs and come sit next to me. We were suppose to have a bonfire last night. "Aunt Tammy, can we have a tamp fi'ah ?" LOL, love the way she talks. It was just too hot, but tonight for sure. It's suppose to be a little cooler. I side tracked her with swimming in the pool and lots of ice cream! A little glitch....Jarrod and Mara had arrangements to go to the Dominican Republic for their honeymoon. Mars is fluent in Spanish and combined with them both being huge beach fans they picked this place. Anyhow, Jarrod applied for his Passport the first of June. He was told 'no need to expedite, it'll be here in plenty of time. Well...it didn't come and bottom line, they lost over 1200.00 cuz they had to cancel. They were able to reschedule and are going in 3 weeks, but....how shitty is that?!?! At first it appeared to be the guy that helped them fill out the paper work. The 'Government' said they didn't receive Jarrod's application until almost 3 weeks later, but after some digging they were shown the receipt of when it was actually transmitted and it was the day after they applied. Sooo, clearly the governments fault here...surprise surprise, right!! They left here last night pretty down. I was optimistic for them. "Ya know, things happen for a reason, yes you lost out on a LOT of money, BUT....you still get to go AND you got way more $$$$$ at your wedding/reception than you ever dreamed." "Go home, unpack all your goodies and just enjoy each other. Soon you'll be on the beach, watching a sunset drinking from a coconut laughing at all of this" =) This is how it's meant to be, it'll be OK. PROMISE!!" Love those two Mom, I really really do! Such great kids with bigger hearts than anyone I know. They are soo deserving of one another. Kind, sweet and have tons of stuff in common. Match made in Heaven! Well...better get busy here. Wanna do some cleanup to this house so everyone can do some mess-up again, lol. (((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES******* Love you, and we'll be by the cemetery for a visit before they all leave! Love you and miss you like CRAZY!!! PS. The band at the reception. WONDERFUL! They guy played some DJ style and he played acoustic guitar/sang. He played/sang one of my favorite Zac Brown Band songs and right in the middle of it broke into YOUR favorite song..."Country roads, take me home, to the place. I belong...West Virginia, Mountain Mama, take me home, country roads." That was not a planned song by any of us. Clearly planned by YOU!!

Good morning! Thought I'd drop by after my morning run. Tweaked my knee a bit (ITBS) Barely made 6 miles. I'm about 3 weeks from my 15 miles a day...gotta get this thing toned up or I'll never make it! HELP if you can =) Hey, it was a fantastic Independence Day weekend, couldn't have asked for nicer weather, just gorgeous! Kids had a blast, lots of behind the boat, pooling and baseball action. My house is a wreck though, so as soon as I'm done here I'm headed to CLEAN!! Around midnight last night (ballgames to watch kept us up late) Bryson caught some furry creature from outside. About 30 minutes later he said "I let it go". Hmm...you let it go, just like that? He said "yep". So I held out my pinky and he broke "I'M SOOO SORRY, it got loose in the house". Oh for the love of....it's still in here, 'somewhere'. Soo, help with that too will ya?? Thanks Mom, I'll be back in a few days. Remember: KNEE and furry creature ;) ********KISSES******* (((((((HUGS))))))

Was swimming with Bry late last night and he says "Nice Pecks Mom". I nearly choked and was inches from dunking him under, 'WHAT did you say'?? "You know abs". Abs aren't pecks you dork! You say that to a girl and it's gonna get you knocked out buddy, lol. Such a goofy kid he is. Hey, was running this AM and as soon as I finished the clock struck 8:18...yep, not only am I inspired by kids, but also inspired by YOU and Heaven approved! Some days I think I can't move and then I remember all those kids who literally CAN'T MOVE and it gives me all the motivation I need! Love you! Miss you like crazy and if you were here...you'd tack on loads of miles between all that yard work and walks you liked to take =) (((((((HUGS))))))) ******KISSES******* PS. Your grandson is the biggest baseball fan yet. The kid wakes up baseball and falls asleep baseball =)) I love it!!

Good morning! Body is feeling tinged, tweaked, tainted...alright, I'M SORE! Think I'm gonna resort to causal fitness today. Swimming, walking, playing some more catch with Bry. Really need to fix the pedal boat. How I'd love to take a slow stroll across/around the lake! I had it out a few weeks ago and the steering was all messed up. Come to find out it has a small leak. Need some 'muscle' to help flip it over and fix the leak. I know, I know. Boats of any kind never were your thing. Me on the other hand....I could sleep on one =) Hey, got the downstairs all cleaned up and ordered 2 new queen size beds. Gosh how I wish you could be here for this wedding and family get together. So many of your kids and grand kids all under my roof, you'd be in your own heaven on earth world if you were here. It's times like these you're missed even more! You were always the love and heart of these things. Bry is still on his baseball kick. He looks for the schedule first thing when he wakes up to find out when all the MLB teams play. Good thing for the ticket, he can watch them all (and he definitely tries!) I'd love to take him to another game before the end of the year, but...$$$$$. Maybe he'd settle for a White Caps game in Grand Rapids. His last game is on Monday. He's doing really good! He normally plays shortstop or catcher. He got a double on Wednesday and 2 walks. In this league there are A LOT of walks, haha! Well, it's time for me to make Tay's chemo. Love you! ((((((HUGS)))))) ********KISSES*******

Well good morning =) I started out kinda early, 6:30 ish but went back to bed. Big mistake, cuz now I'm all sluggish and gotta get a run in before I start my loads of stuff to do today day. I've been slacking a little on my workouts/runs and my favorite time and little guy to run for month is just around the corner =) Absolutely no way would I ever miss it! Shooting for 15 a day this year! Shhh....it'll be fine Sun is finally shinning and I promised that sweet girl an afternoon in her pool. She's such a wonderful little thing to have around. Reminds me of the song "Lovin' you is fun" =) Hey I took Bry to a ballgame last week. As you know, CUBS @ Tigers. We were both is such awwwww, we gotta go back! It was love at first sight experience for him for sure! Lovin him is fun too! Well, hey gotta hop on the treadmill. Love you MORE ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES*******

As I sit here and reflect on the happiest moments of my life...Jarrod, Taylor and Bryson!! That's it, nothing on this earth has made me happier than they have and then, then I see all the ways Mara makes Jarrod happy, as simple as the way she looks at him. It's the once in a lifetime CrAzy kind of love that is nearly impossible to find. I don't care how successful they become, how big their house is, how much money they make or even how many kids they have. My hope, my wish is for them to always always have that 'crazy, head over heals mad dog in love feeling for each other. The kind that even if the world around them explodes their love carries on. With that, they can surpass every obstacle this fallen world can throw at them! THEIR happy is the greatest gift I could ever have. Their happy is the greatest gift THEY can ever have! Love you Mom, sure wish you were here to see all of this, but then you have the greatest seat in the house (((((((HUGS))))))) ******KISSES******

Stopped by the cemetery today. It was pouring down rain so I jumped out of the truck, took a few pictures and picked a beautiful white lilac from your neighbor (hopeful she didn't mind) I sat in the truck for a good 1/2 hour and got lost in thought, perfect place to be on a rainy day. I was in Fates earlier and your friend Sandy was working. She greeted me with a big smile and says ' HI, how are you, we were just talking about you the other day. We miss seeing you in here". Whenever anyone says they were thinking/talking about me it always makes me 'wonder' what about me they were thinking or talking about, haha! Tigers are on...not doing so well tonight. They got off to a rough start. Cubs got rained out...pretty bummed, I have been looking forward to this series since last fall! Oh well, suppose to be nice in Chicago tomorrow so at least I have that. Well, just wanted to stop in before heading to bed. Love you!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

When I got the news yesterday you were the first person I wanted to come running to and in my head you were! Can't even explain the feeling that I was filled with when Dr C delivered yesterdays news, but it completely wiped me out. I fell to the floor...couldn't even stand. CRIED and hugged him! "Her scan looks BETTER...Taylor continues to amaze us", he said! You could just see the look of disbelief on his face. I remember the phone call just 2 months ago from Dr C... "her MRI is MUCH worse. I'm afraid this is the beginning of the end and we should just focus on getting her through the summer." To be honest Mom, I was prepared to do the worst. If she wasn't going to be here, I didn't want to be either. HORRIBLE thoughts I know, but I couldn't escape the 'wonder' of how I'd even begin to survive without her. Anyhow.... 2 weeks til I'm headed to "Dr ball field"...Comerica Park, Cubs vs Tigers. The absolute happiest place on earth and I can't wait!! Was just telling Gram how the ride back was going to be interesting and if the Tigers won she'd be walking, lol. She laughed! She showed Dale the picture of me wearing my Cubs shirt and he says 'how the hell is she a Cubs fan', which of course makes me want the Cubs to win EVEN MORE!! ;) Love and miss you!! (((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES******

Sitting here working on the computer, it's getting harder to concentrate. Her MRI is less than a week away, UGH! I glance out the window and...first bird I've seen had just landed on your new bird feeder I bought you for Mother's Day =) Thanks for the distraction Mom, sooo need it! ANYTHING to keep my mind from going 'there'! This one is gonna be better, right? It's gotta be...there's just no other way. I love you and as always....missing you like crazy! ((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES*******

Just a quick HI=) It's a rainy, chilly but HAPPY day! Been sleeping with Tay after Bryson falls asleep and wow...I think we fix each other. I sleep like a rock and she does too. I had to wake her this morning for her AM chemo. I was up early, as usual but the 5 hours I did sleep were straight through =) I kept Bry home from school today, just because. I like to steal as much ME time with him as I can and so today... I cheated. "Mom" time is more important than school anyhow, right? Hey, I put up the bird feeder I got you for Mother's Day today. It was actually Bryson's idea. Smart kid huh....he knows just what you like! Well, got a few more things to get done before the game starts and even though it's rainy cold I promised Bryson we'd go swimming, YIKES!! Love and Miss you always!! ((((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

They say 'money can't buy happiness', which I believe with all my heart. HOWEVER.... phone rings at 8:18 this morning (the time is also the date you went to Heaven). It's Gram. As you know, I've been struggling BAD with a debt that was left to me @@@ to the tune of 20,000. Every month for over 2 years I've been paying the minimum of 1,600.00. YEAH, I typed that right one thousand six hundred dollars a month! CrAZy and it's been killing me in more ways than just financially! I hate, hate, HATE asking for help. Well, seems I didn't have to. Gram is almost as good at figuring me out as you were. She just 'knew' something was up. Anyhow to make a long chat short...she's paying it off IN FULL!! I'll be paying her back around $400.00 a month until it's paid, which I can absolutely afford. Soo, in this situation money DOES buy happiness! Now perhaps I can move forward with my life =) Love you, Happy Mother's Day and thank you! Somehow I think you had something to do with this too! (((((((HUGS))))))) ********KISSES********

I know it's late, but wanted to 'wish' YOU a Happy Mother's Day before anyone wished it to me =) I love and miss you. Sooooo wish you were here! ((((HUGS)))) ******KISSES***** I'll be back before later for more.

Morning Mom =) Made it through a rough yesterday, whew! The mind sure sure can wreck havoc on me! Cubs and Tigers had day games, I was so busy working on the computer I missed them both =( They start a new series tonight that I for sure will be tuned into! Did eventually end up taking a walk around the lake last evening. I should know by now how much that helps. Got lost in thought...and then a BIG storm rolled in out of nowhere and we ended up sprinting home, haha funny. Rain wasn't even in the forecast and there wasn't a cloud in the sky when I left. Took a bit to fall asleep, as usual and when I finally did those nasty dreams hit me. This time I was in a boat when I died. I scooched down in bed with Tay around 3:30 AM wrapped myself AND my thoughts around her and slept sound til 6 AM =) Happy Mother's Day...I'll be back on Sunday! ((((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES******

Soo, love never fails, money is the root of evil and then there's 'joy, health and peace'. Well well well....you better send something cuz I'm failing miserably at it ALL! Need a ((((HUG))))) Was gonna take Tay for a walk around the lake but couldn't even force myself to do that =( Sure wish YOU were here or I was THERE!! ((((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Woke up a little anxious this morning so I thought coffee and a chat would maybe give me a little reassurance and a lift. The mind can be my worst enemy, in more ways than one I tell ya! If it's not racing about Taylor it's 'wandering' about...... and I've tried sooo hard to stop going down that road! "Things DON'T happen for a reason", right?? I've been sitting her for an hour now. I'll say something, then I'll erase it. Guess I'm just at a loss. Try again later, ((((((HUGS))))))) ********KISSES******* Love you!

"Lesson Number One: All the time traveling in the world can't make someone love you." Morning Mom. Lots to do today, but somehow my day is always better when I make you my first stop. Was up late last night...baseball =) Then I watched TV a bit, think it was 2 before I hit the bed. Tay woke up so I climbed in her bed and snuggled in right next to her. Talk about amazing grace! Felt sooo good! Reminded me of the many nights I'd wrap myself around her in bed at the hospital. My mind wandered a bit and I ended up crying myself to sleep but no nightmares and I don't think either of us moved til 6 AM this morning, which for me is a miracle! She's had a few great days in a row now, I'm blessed! I try try try to focus on that, my glimpse of HOPE. Sometimes it lifts me to utter bliss and then those moments when it slams me to the ground and screams 'don't get sucked into false hope'. Sucks Mom, it really does. Anyhow, that's where my mind has been this week, up and down up and down, BLAHH! Love you ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES*******

Well Happy HAPPY Birthday to ya =) I baked you a cake today, a strawberry cake. Oh my goodness what a mess I made of it. I'll be sending it down with Beanie and Dale. Can't even imagine the calories in that thing, better them than me right? Debbie called a little while ago. Checking up me and Tay. Reminding me what an awesome little fighter of a girl I have. She tries Mom, they all do. Everyone tries to say just the right thing and I love them for it. But I'm scared! I have my good days and my bad ones. My mind goes every direction. She had a rough week last week so I was a wreck! The weekend and today however have been a complete swing in other direction, AMAZING!! We go back to see Dr C a week from today. She has to have early morning labs to see the levels of the new med she's on. She won't get another MRI until the end of next month. In the meantime I still have her on a ZERO sugar diet. Read a lot about that and it sure can't hurt anything. Well, swamped in work here, so break is over! Psst... also got a loaf of bread in the bread machine, it's about to start smelling REALLY good in here! Making bread is yet another reminder of YOU <3 And can't forget your Tigers. Have them on too =) I love you MOM! Happy Birthday! ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES*******

New drug is up and running! I know, I KNOW if you have any pull with God, any sway...anything at all, this will work. Cuz you're the one person who knows what this will do to me if He takes her. I pray. I talk to God ALL THE TIME! Beg, plead....you name it, I even thank Him. This week has been hard in particular because she's been so sleepy! All these meds combined I know, well I *think and hope* that's what it is, but all of this is wearing her down! She completed the temodar on Thursday so hoping this weekend she perks up. She was awake quite a bit last night and she's awake (sassy! I love sassy, now). Today we're gonna go for a walk around the lake, take a swing ride and watch the ballgame =) I need some positive good distraction! Something to stay focused on ya know? Well, better go check on her. She's got about 30 more minutes before her done with meds flush and I've been up for hours and still haven't had coffee yet! Love you Mom. Happy happy birthday coming up =) Still bake you a cake, can never give that tradition up!! ((((((HUGS))))) *******KISSES********

Clinic yesterday, you know 'the appointment after'. My mind wandered/raced the entire drive down to the point of not really remembering the drive down and the thing is, it wasn't even about Taylor, I know I know. Was pretty much a mess by the time I got there. And then...it hit me like a train wreck, 'I'm at clinic'. Took all I had to get on the elevator and push '10'. Anyhow, I made it and got through. Ironically every person I interacted with was not our regular anything. Except...well read on. One of the drugs Dr C has her on needed pre-approval from her insurance and I've been on the phone arguing about this all week. Finally, FINALLY it was approved yesterday morning. Well typically I just 'assume' things but couldn't leave this one alone. So just as we were ready to leave I just HAD to make some calls...just to make sure we all were on the same page. The pharmacy confirms that her med WAS approved but not for them to fill it, had to go through a specialty pharmacy. Sooo, in the meantime her nurse had already left and I couldn't get confirmation from her, which led me to leaving the safety zone of our room and hunting someone down. That someone was Chris....1st person I ran into. Anyhow after a little chat she tells me she'll take care of it and as I was walking away adds in "and we have it approved for a year Tam, so we won't have to keep going through this." I don't know Mom, but hearing A YEAR, another entire YEAR is EVERYTHING! A YEAR A YEAR A YEAR has been singing in my head all the ride home. It's really something how something so little to someone else can give soooo much hope and mean so much more to to another. Oh and on top of everything else we are doing for her. I've been researching and have decided to start her on a ketogenic diet. This eliminates all sugar and most carbs from her diet. She'll consume (well her g-tube will) moderate protein, and LOTS of fat. The key here....cancer cells feed off of sugar, we all know that. Soo, can't feed off something you don't give it. And as far as the carbs go. The body converts carbs into sugar so she'll need to be deprived of those as well. I have her on a semi ketogenic diet now. I've already increased her fat and taken away all sugar. She's getting a few too many carbs but her low formula to replace her current one is on the way =) I have her nutritionist helping out on this and I won't put her on a full blown keto, just the mostly kind that doesn't require hospitalization and can be managed at home. Keep watching over us will you please?? LOVE YOU MORE! ((((((HUGS))))) *******KISSES*******

Yesterday morning I'm standing over your shelf wondering 'what part of you can I take with me to clinic today', you know...for love. So I slip Saint Philomena and a pray stone into my pocket, pin your angel to my shirt and shove one of your pennies in my shoe. Then, my phone vibrates. I'm thinking "Jarrod or Mara are texting me, checking in cuz they're meeting us at the hospital." But when I check my phone...nothing. And then I notice the clock 8:18, it was YOU. Your way of letting me know 'every little thing is gonna be ok and you're with me'.Of course I cried, but Thanks Mom! Yesterday was rough, they REALLY need to find a better way with the depressing greetings. As soon as we stepped off the elevator the demeanor was hopeless. How can all of them give up but yet expect all of us....and most importantly TAYLOR to remain strong?? Anyhow, he showed us the scan and her tumor on the cerebellum is back, A LOT back and she has a 2nd new tumor in her brainstem. Hate how they describe tumors with objects, usually it's fruit, but yesterday it was a boot. Dr Foody looked at her scan last Friday and basically washed his hands to it. Dr C had the weekend to really think things over, which we all needed and she'll be on Sirolimus/Everolimus along with 3 other chemo drugs. It's a type of immunotherapy/a Tmor drug which the hope is to 1. starve the tumor and 2. confuse it and allow the chemo drugs to start working again. Once you've been on chemo for so long the tumor stops responding, which I believe is happening with Taylor. Anyhow, he's also checking with the radiation team and after the next MRI in 2 months the plan/hope is to blast the $&*%$ tumors with radiation. One thing she's never had before. Thank God I saved this option for a later date, cuz once you have it you can't do it again! Overall Mom, she's HAPPY and I mean giggly, smiley, awesomely happy! Dr C came in the room and started talking and the first thing she did was turn her music up full blast. She wanted nothing to do with what he was saying. Last night we went for a walk, my mind wanders big time when I walk...sometimes good, sometimes not so good. But Bryson wasn't about to let that happen. The whole 3 miles he kept putting his arm around me "I love you Mom". I love my kids, what HUGE hearts they have! Well lots of work to catch up on here, so I'll chat more later. I'll be by the cemetery this week too. Weather is REALLY perking up! Oh and baseball season is underway...Go CUBS Go Tigers! (((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES*******

Bet you were wondering how much longer before I'd stop by huh? All I know is this shit doesn't fight fair! Emotions are on a roller coaster right now. Needed to get some of my anger out first before I stopped by here I guess. Last week was right up there as one of the worst weeks of my life, ugh! We go tomorrow to 'talk' with Dr C. He's given up, but we sure haven't. "The body is weak but the spirit is willing". That's her in a nutshell and has been from the day she was born. My little spit-fire. Not giving up on her Mom, can't! ((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES******* Love you Mom. Keep her close. I've done a week of 'acts of kindness' last week and will continue it through this week. All I ask is for God to please look over my children. If dealing with devastating MRI results wasn't enough. I'm waiting on all the blood work on Bryson to come back. They drew 5 vials of blood on him last week. He's been sick for too long, they're testing him for...well EVERYTHING!

Hey there, Spent the better part of the day SICK! Not the kind of sick anyone can catch and yes I learned my lesson! BLAH! MRI this week, guess I needed an 'out'! Anyhow, recovered...taking a deep breath and ready for my week! It'll be good, right? It's gotta be! Can't believe it's been 3 weeks since we've 'chatted'. I have a cute little story to share with you. Bryson has been watching his sister for me while I do little things around the house, workout or go in the sauna. His rates are pretty stiff, but he's been saving for...he's been saving for a Bearded Dragon, lol. Well his wallet got full and off we went to the pet store. He is such an awesome kid Mom, you'd love him to death if you were here. Not sure what his/her name is yet. He's waiting a few weeks til we know if we have a boy dragon or a girl dragon, but he/she is pretty cool. Never thought I'd like a 'reptile' but I gotta admit, it's cool! Well hey, I got a few things here to do before bed. I'll be stopping by the cemetery this week, I need to wash the truck so I'll be going right by. Love you!!! (((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES******* PS. Remind God, MRI this week, BE THERE!!

Stopped by the cemetery today, pulled in and there sat a big ol snow drift. Sooo, I put my truck in 4WD and...chickened out. Backed down the hill. Oh well, just wanted to say "HI" and I LOVE YOU! ******KISSES******* ((((((HUGS))))))

Hey there, thought I'd drop in before heading to bed. AND let you know....it was a good night =) Freezing cold, but good! Love you Mom (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Sometimes life seems so unfair! She should be gearing up for her Senior year, Senior pictures, prom. We should be talking about what she wants to do when she grows up, where she wants to go to college. I should be scolding her from coming home 10 minutes late from a date with the boy I feel is ALL wrong for her...wait, she wouldn't be allowed to date til she was 26 ;) Instead of all of these 'should be' things I had to sit through yet another IEP and be reminded of just how sick she really is. I have to stress out for ANOTHER 2 months and pray/hope/wish for a better MRI and the **icing** on the cake @@@@ I have to file documents with the court to obtain legal guardianship. At times all of this makes me soooo angry I just want to throw my hands up in the air and ask...WHY ME!?!?!?! And then I am reminded..."WHY ME?" I remember back, back when she was just 2 days old. All the lost hope, all the tubes she was hooked up too, the poor prognosis "Your baby has a large tumor in her head. It's like opening a jar of worms, it wraps around every...." I was sooo MAD, so angry at God! I remember screaming "WHY!! Why did you do this to me?!?!" **ME being the key word! And then...and then I got to hold her,...I started crying. Not because I was sad, but because I was soooo HAPPY!! Why me became,THANK YOU GOD...thank you for choosing ME!! And today Mom, I woke up this morning and the first thing I saw was her little face. A gentle reminder that God chose me, ME!! I am sooo thankful for this road, wherever it may lead. I'm learning new things every single day. Some easy lessons, some hard. But with each one...I know, He trusts me and I'm NOT going to let Him down. Soo, good/bad, whatever, I'm ready!! BIG (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES***** I miss you ya know. I miss your "Things happen for a reason" speech and the hug and smile that always followed! Love you Mom! Happy Valentine's Day =)

GOOOOD Morning =) Had another dream about you. Ya know, I may not get glimpses of what Heaven looks like in all these dreams but the glimpses of how HAPPY you are there, it sure makes losing you a lot easier. Ohhh,I still miss you and losing you was the worst pain I've ever known, but seeing you HAPPY...is sooo soothing! You were around my age and just singing and dancing all around with the biggest smile on your face. A pure BLISS of love and joy! Your visits... You always seem to know just when I need you the most too! When I'm about to break...THERE YOU ARE! Two things that bring a sure smile to my heart is seeing YOUR happiness and Tay's happiness and this week I've witnessed BOTH! God is GOOD, He really is! (((((HUGS)))))) Hey, I took Bryson out for a 'date' last night. Or maybe he took me! He was such a sweetie! We had a much needed BLAST! Your name came up of course, but then again not a day goes by that your name doesn't come up, SERIOUSLY!He has your bowling pins on by the way, lol. He says they're 'for luck'. And because he loves you so much =) It amazes him how good of bowler you were. VERY impressed he is! 2nd dose of temodar is in Tay. I'm also trying to keep her above and beyond hydration and keeping her under some vitamin D to help with that immune system of hers. Her counts have GOT to hold on in order for her to remain on her chemo, they HAVE to! When I saw that scan and Dr C's reaction to it....UGH, it's been a long time since I've heard that kind of concern from him. Oh well....enough of that. She's gonna be fine. Her smiles AND yours tell me so! I love you Mom. Thanks for EVERYTHING. ((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES*******

Been here a lot this week ya know, brings me some much needed peace! I'm at Devos, just got done looking at scans with Dr. C. Think I've made myself sick all week anticipating this day. Sooo...her scans are concerning to him. Lots going on up there. Brighter tumor in the brainstem and a 'could be' new spot in the cerebellum. Also her optic glioma is much brighter and looks bigger. What to do, what to do. He has a couple options for her and after presenting them I asked him "What would YOU do?" He feels the safest and best option for her would be to keep her on Temodar and Vincristine and do another scan in 2 months vs 3. We can go with his back up plan if the next scan is worse or the same, but we know Taylor...and how fragile she is. Her quality of life remains good, she's been on this regimen for over half her life. Switching her to something else can backfire and put her at sooo much risk! Sooo...her road map of these drugs will be restarted, for now. And we wait....and PRAY! Do what you can for her up there Mom. I was bathing her last night and singing to her, she loves it when I sing silly songs, the kind you make up your own words to and she'd giggle so big! I may have thrown in a few tickle tortures too, buy hey...just to see her smile. I LOVE that! I know...I know all will be well. It's got to! "The Gift Of Love" ((((((HUGS)))))))) ********KISSES******** I Love You!!!

Good Morning! Ya know, I've been here every day for a week now. I start to write, then delete it. Then I find myself going through all the previous chats we've had. WOW, for someone (me) who doesn't like to talk I sure talk a lot. We're over 700 chats now Mom ;) LOVE it. You have no idea how sweet it is to just sit here and go through old 'thoughts' of you. So thankful for this space! Anyhow, good morning. Coffee in hand and almost time to get Bryson up for school, so thought I'd drop by and this time, TALK! We got a good 8-9 inches of snow on Sunday so he had a snow day yesterday. Gram is back from FL so he spent 1/2 the day with her...sooooo happy. It sure makes things around here MUCH easier, don't realize how much she helps me sometimes! She's definitely holding up her promise to you and then some! Ok, ready, set...the BIG news. Tay's MRI results were another one of those 'uh-ohs' and Dr C has me coming in to go over her scan on Friday and possibly draw up a new road map. He 'says' "Nothing has grown, but her tumors sure are dramatically enhanced". Now we both now how he tends to sugar coat things, sooooo UGH. Worry???, trying hard NOT to. I don't have the strength to worry, but damn Mom...this is HARD! Beanie reassures me that everything is going to be just fine and I **think** my heart and gut are telling me that too...HOPE that's what they are saying!!. I just can't wait to get in front of that MRI and see for myself what the heck is going on! We were scheduled for yesterday, but about 20 minutes into my trip down the phone rings...DR C is sick and has to reschedule us. Sooo, we go in on Friday now. Bean is going with (Thank God!) So, until then (((((HUGS))))) Please! Well, she's a hollering back there (my little early riser girl she is, haha) and it's time to roust Bryson for school (night owl and sleeper inner) I love you Mom. As always, thanks for listening! (((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES*******

Morning Mom =) It's my quiet weekend, ugh! Thought I'd drop in this AM and have coffee with you. Funny thing, I was going through a few of my old messages to you and came across "World Series 2012" Tigers vs Giants, couldn't help but smile cuz all I think about lately is baseball! We're about 70 days out from opening day! Gram's agreed to go to the Cubs@Tigers game with me in June. REALLY wanted to go to a Wrigley game, but not many Cub fan/friends here that'd be willing to tag along. Jarrod, but he has a wedding to plan so... oh well, this way I get to see my # 1 team AND my #2...and I've never been to Comerica, so should be fun! GO CUBS!! Tay's MRI is this week, still has them every 3 months and still leaves me anxious every time. We go in the following day for results. It's hard to believe we've been doing this for almost 18 years now. Dr C still takes care of her and she still keeps him on his toes. She's still itsy bitsy Mom, she was 36 pounds last visit, roughly the size of a 4-5 year old. CRAZY! Bryson...he had a rough last week. It's been a long time since I've seen his as sick as he was. Poor boy! I put my week on hold, he was wrapped around me for 3 days, lol. So now I've got my work cut out for me. Gonna try to get a weeks worth of work done in one day, guess I better get started huh ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES****** I love you!

Hey, surprise! I know, normally I drop in for a chat in the early AM, but...here I am. Mind is wrecking havoc and seeing how I've already took it out on every piece of workout equipment I have, YOU'RE IT ;) Seem to go back and forth...mind racing vs nightmares and they both suck! Tay's MRI is next week and ya know, that seems to be the furthest thing from my mind right now. Not sure if it's a good thing or a selfish one??? Summer, that's what I need, THE BEACH!! Ugh, usually stopping by here helps, but....think I'm gonna put a few more miles on the treadmill (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES****** I love you and I'm fine, really. Just need to run off some'thing' or I'll never make it to the bedroom tonight. Thanks =)

Closed my eyes last night and there you were =) Ya know, I'd have 6 straight nights of nightmares to have 1 night of YOU! You're happy smile, beautiful voice that I miss so much and the hug...the hug was everything I needed, thank you! As much as I miss you I am sooo very blessed to have that 'connection' to you, the grace to reach out to you (and you reaching out to me) through a dream. Love never fails...Anyhow, can't chat long. I've been sick all weekend. Feeling MUCH better today so I have loads of work to catch up on and a good workout to get in. Love and miss you like crazy! (((((((HUGS))))))) ******KISSSES*******

Hey, rough night....damn nightmares! After 3+ years of mind wandering I finally give in and decide to put him aside (that was my New Years resolution actually) and now this, UGH!! I think I'd prefer the 'racing'. Died 3 times in my dreams last night. You were there, you tried to save us but you couldn't. I slid down the bank with Bryson and the ice broke and sucked us both in. You tried to grab us but you just couldn't reach. I remember holding him up and telling him not to let go of me. To just relax and go with it. I knew we were both going to die, but didn't want him to be scared...even though I was quietly freaking out. It was sooo real and then he closed his eyes. HORRIBLE feeling, but than I closed mine too. I woke up gasping, didn't want to go back to sleep but I did. Next thing I know Tay is on the edge of the steps and begins to roll. I went running, but couldn't reach her in time. We both went tumbling down =( Again I woke up gasping and again fell back asleep. You were there and I don't remember much else other than again I died, not sure how. But good grief I was never so happy to get out of bed this morning and honestly I am not looking forward to going back! TERRIBLE feeling! Anyhow, other than a train wreck I'm doing good. Working out has never felt better and I am actually beginning to feel good about myself again =) Bryson and I have been playing 'games' almost every night. He's into skip-bo, uno and monopoly. Such a goof kid he is, I just love having him. Couldn't be happier!! I have monopoly all set up now. I pinky promised him I'd be waiting when he got off the bus and well....25 minutes and he'll be here. I love you Mom. Hey a friend from Tay's hospital arrived there yesterday. Another child gone from their parents too soon. Big hugs to her will you please. Thanks! ((((((HUGS))))))) ********KISSES*********

I know, it's late. Can't sleep so thought I'd drop in for a chat. I'm doing good. Working out full-time again, which is making me feel better about myself. Physically and mentally! Even the kids are staying active. Bryson likes to ice skate, play soccer, hockey and dodgeball downstairs. Even have had him on the ice a few times. I know, I know and don't worry. The ice is PLENTY thick enough. Total respect here...a good 8 inches! And then there's Little Miss Taylor. I brought her swing up and hung it in the living room. She hasn't been in it in a couple years. She's soo frail, but she LOVED it and stayed swinging for a good 30 minutes! Sooo proud of her. It's funny how the things you take for granted or think nothing of can be so HUGE! She did good Mom =) She has her MRI at the end of the month, just got the letter in the mail today. Seems like it's been awhile since her last one, but 3 months ago...hmmmm. You know, Bry said to me a few weeks ago "Why did Grandma smoke?" I told him that you started when you were really young and back then folks didn't know how bad smoking was for you. He says "so when she found out how bad it was, why didn't she quit?" Oh honey, it's not that easy, was my answer. I told him I tried helping her, tried talking her into quiting, tried....but it was just too hard for her and then it was too late. He says "YOU SHOULD HAVE TRIED HARDER." He's right you know...I should have tried HARDER! If I only knew then what I know now... =( Cancer sucks as much as smoking does! Goodnight, LOVE YOU!!! (((((((HUGS)))))))) *******KISSES*******

"Wait...for the kind of person who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person." Probably the best advice I've heard in a long long time and definitely sounds likes something you would say =) Morning Mom, I've been here many times, sat and read...just not a whole lot to say I guess. Christmas was, AMAZING! Dev came up for New Years Eve and just left on Sunday. Soooo nice to have her. We went snowmobiling, ice skating and lots of skip-bo playing ;) TRADITION...every year! SO happy she still wants to hang out with me. Well well...the bus is gonna be here soon. Love you!! (((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES*******

As you always said 'Things happen for a reason'...well this time I hear you saying 'Sometimes things DON'T happen for a reason'. It's time...time to let go of something that is NEVER gonna happen. It's killing me, it really is. I KNOW that is where all this stress/mind racing/can't sleep is coming from. Sooo, before my heart EXPLODES, 'The End.' Time to close the door! Also a year to get into the best shape I've ever been in! HAPPY New Year Mom! Miss and love you =) *******KISSES******* (((((((((HUGS)))))))))

Never got to finish our chat last night. Played hockey with Bryson til he couldn't keep his eyes open. Anyhow, forgot to tell you....Mara got me this really nice charm necklace. It says "Thank you for raising the man of my dreams". 'Bout mad me cry. They are going to be sooo good together for the rest of their lives Mom. You'd be PROUD! Mara is such a sweetheart and Jarrod is the kindest man I know. 2 good people = FOREVER! Well, Bryson's birthday is tomorrow. This birthday thing after Christmas is tough! Can't believe he is going to be 9 years old! Sure wish I could pause him for a few years! He's a fun kid though Mom....always busy and loves to play! Sure wish you could have gotten to know him longer. Miss you! You'd be loving this weather. It was nearly 50 deg the other day =)=) ((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES*******

Merry Christmas Mom =) Had a dream about you last night. I was laying down with Bry and must have drifted off for a few minutes and there you were. We were playing euchre and you were my partner. Not sure if we won or lost, but you were smiling. It didn't last long, I woke up and well....had to play Santa =) But thank you! Thought about you all day. It was a really nice day here, it really was. Had all the kids and went to Gram's for dinner. Little Taylor's big gift was a new memory foam bed and a downs comforter. Her little frail body will LOVE it! She's been a little cranky and sleepy lately. Hoping it's just from building up her immune system, she still struggles with that. Was just playing NHL 2015 with Bry, it's so funny how 2 kids can be sooo different. Jarrod says earlier "OMGosh Bry, who got you this awesome game?" Bry says 'Mom'. Jarrod is and always was about the sports games where Bryson is all about the fighting games. He didn't even know what NHL stood for, haha! Jarrod told him "Mom will play hockey with you all day long so you better get into it", LOL. They loved their gift from you. Left us all teary eyed, but in a happy way. I miss you Mom. Would love to stay and chat...fill you in better on our Christmas day, but Bry is itching to go to bed and won't go without me, sooo....goodnight for now. I LOVE YOU!!! (((((((HUGS)))))))) *******KISSES*******

Drove by the cemetery on Thanksgiving...I waved =) Sorry it's been awhile since I've been HERE to chat, but every day, every single day I chat with in my head. Hey, so I was thinking. This will be our 7th Christmas without you, WOW! Hard to believe, but true. I hate and love going through your purse and I've left everything the exact same, but the cash you have in your wallet. I thought...what if I buy the kids an ornament, wrap it and put it under the tree from you?? Bry is old enough to appreciate it now, Jarrod will have a tree of his own this year and Little Taylor...what can I say, there's nothing that would show love more than an ornament from YOU!! Yep, I think you'd like that...they'd like that! Well, I'm off...Tay has to go have her blood drawn. Crossing fingers everything comes back GOOD!! Love you Mom! (((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES*****

"In all things, give thanks" ~ Thessalonians 5:18 Hard verse to swallow huh? I try try try to find thankfulness during my greatest weakness and weak weak weak I am! But I truly believe our greatest impact on others won’t come when we’re pretentious, but rather when we have a good, tight grip on the obvious: our smallness. Saw you in my dream last night. Actually you've been in my dream every night this week only I haven't been able to remember a thing...just that you were there. Last night was a little more vivid. We were at a wedding. At first it appeared to be mine, then Shelley's and then Jarrod's. Not sure what all that was about, but you were there, in the background, smiling. The glow, the happiness, the bliss and beauty was unmistakable. I saw you only for a brief minute and I woke up sobbing, gasping and almost in a panic. It was crazy! I tried so hard to just go back to sleep and continue with where I left off, but.... it didn't work. Wanted sooo badly to see you again, but sooo happy for the brief moment of your presence. I've been scrolling through some of our chats we've had over the years since you moved to Heaven. I can't tell you how grateful I am that I came across this site...we've had well over 600 chats and if I could track how many times I've just sat here and said nothing at all that number x 100! Anyhow, I decided to go back to the first Thanksgiving without you. Must admit,I was a little nervous at first, thought I'd find some horrendous message of doom and gloom. But...this is what I wrote to you. THANKFULNESS at my weakest Thanksgiving 2007 HAPPY THANKSGIVING MOM!!!!! I am sure you are having quite the feast up there, way better than any of us can every imagine! We all miss you Mom, today will be hard on all of us, but I know in my heart you are with us all. I know you are smiling down on us as proud as any Mother could ever be...and we are all so very proud of you! We couldn't have picked a better, more loving Mother than you! So today Mom, we will be very thankful for YOU! I love you Mom, I better sign off now, I promised myself I would try to get thru today without crying and here I sit with tears in my eyes! I just miss you so much Mom! ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSSES**** "In all things, give thanks" ~ Thessalonians 5:18 One of our greatest strengths is realizing just how weak we really are. HAPPY THANKSGIVING... I love you Mom (((((((HUGS))))))) *****KISSES*******

It's been 30 something years since Dad passed away. I don't remember the day (I know we're close) but I do remember he was buried on Thanksgiving day. I remember his passing and his funeral but those are sad memories I'd rather not 'remember'. A very happy memory I have is this one: It was Christmas, I was around Bryson's age. You always did the Christmas shopping for us kids and on the packages it would always say....in your hand wrapping 'from Mom and Dad'. Except for this one. The tag said "To Tammy, from Dad" and it was in his hand writing. I couldn't wait to open it...I'd shake it, feel it, lift it. Everyday until it was finally Christmas! I remember tearing it open and...snow skis, red ones. I was sooo excited. Not sure if it was because it was snow skis or because they were from DAD! He made me a hill outside to try them out on. I wasn't very good, but I was sooo dang proud of those things. Bittersweet memory I'll never forget. Love you Mom. Give him a hug for me will you...Dad :) ((((((HUGS)))))))) *******KISSES********

It's November 20th and I've had my driveway plowed out twice...TWICE! If this is any indication on how this winter is going to be... at $30.00 a shot, I'm both broke and ready to move south! Can you believe a few weeks ago Bryson jumped in the lake!?!? Oh well...that's Michigan for ya. Time to get the snowmobile out. It's suppose to warm up this weekend, so snowmobiling when it's 50 is my kind of fun =) Hey, I started back up running/working out. Just in time too, I gained 5 pounds and my self-worth was going down the drain! Heart is doing fantastic! I've been working out for a good hour a day and heart hasn't missed a beat. It's amazing what stress can cause. Hopefully these little episodes are far and few. Hey, Bry asked for your chicken noodle soup the other day. He calls it "Grandma Joan's chicken soup", so I'm gonna get all the stuff together and make it for him this weekend. He started on a bowling league ya know. Sooo cute! Not sure who has more fun with this, him or I?? I LOVED being on a league when I was his age I ordered him his own ball, hopefully it'll be in soon. Wish Dad was around (or you) to give him some pointers. Me being left handed is no help at all! Well...he's zooming around here ready for me to 'play' with him. He had a snow day today...well it was more me keeping him home from school cuz I *thought* he should have had a snow day...all the schools around us did. Sooo, we took our own snow day =) I love you ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES*******

About a week ago Bry and I started this 'thing'. We call it the 'Cup of Love'. How it works is we both write down things to do on a little piece of paper, fold them and stash them in our cup of love (we each have our own) The things we choose can't cost money or require leaving our property. We take turns drawing something from each others cup. One night he picks from mine the next night I pick from his. Well, last night was my turn to draw from his love cup. I drew 'go down stairs and play'. We headed down and he wants to play dodge ball. So we get all set up and start to play. Now at school he is the KING, but....little does he know ;) Ok, I got lucky, haha! I WIN, I WIN!!!! When all was said and done we head back upstairs. He was a little on the 'grumpy' side so he races upstairs ahead of me shuts all the lights off and slams the door. I didn't say anything about it and then this morning I find this note on my computer "I'm sorry Mom, I love you more" =) =) Awww...what a sweetie. He asked me if I got the note and said he was sorry for shutting the lights off and slamming the door on me. Without me saying a word, he thought things through and knew 'maybe that wasn't the kindest thing to do'. GOOD sign that I'm doing something right. Woohoo...tonight he picks from MY cup =) Hope he picks 'take a nap'. Kidding, I didn't put that. He said as we each were filling our cups "you can't put TAKE A NAP!!" But a movie in bed snuggled up and surrounded by snacks would be GREAT...especially since I have a 4 AM ballgame to tune to tomorrow =) I love you Mom (((((((HUGS)))))))) *******KISSES********

Guess what came =) Yes, yes...your Christmas ornament. Other than the engraving being lighter than I thought it'd be, I LOVE IT! Sooo, I assembled your new tree so I could hang it and ick...I did not like the new tree at all! Little and ugly So, I went downstairs and brought up the old one...thought 'one more year'. Put it up and all was well. UNTIL, I woke up this AM and it had fallen over. UGH!! Thankfully only a couple of the glass ornaments were broke and not any of the ones of Love I've bought in your memory over the years we damaged, so I was a little relieved. Jarrod just walked in, he came for laundry, coffee and breakfast, haha! And said "I think Grandma knocked it it over cuz she wants you to use the new one." Lol. He said whatever, we'll make it right. SOooo...leaving it up to your Grandson. Well today is the first day of riffle season. I remember back when this day was always a BIG thing at your house. The guys would prepare for this day for months it seemed. Now it's just another day around here. I met this gentleman on the elevator the other day when I was taking Tay for chemo. I don't know his name, but the 30 second conversation that took place will remain with me forever. No one has EVER looked at Taylor or I the way he did. You see most look at us with sympathy or they don't look at all. BUT, this man looked at me, then down at her and says 'Enjoy every minute with her, I have a 9 year old with down syndrome and we're loosing her'. The envy...WOW. I saw sadness, but the envy this man showed hit my heart HARD! He went on to tell me that he had just signed consent to have her organs donated in hopes of saving another child. As his eyes never left Taylor he said that since having his daughter he has a special place in his heart for special needs kids. His voice was crackling and tears were falling and then he backed out of the elevator and the doors closed. I don't even know her name. I was so overtaken with his heartbreaking story....I forgot to ask him what his daughter's name was. Make sure she gets a warm welcome will you. God Bless her family! I love you Mom (((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES*******

Woohooo...your Make A Wish ornament has been shipped and will be here on Friday! Never expected it til mid next week. Sooo happy! I got a gift card for my birthday. You and everyone else would never give me a gift card or money for my birthday because I'd always go out and spend it on anyone but me ;) Well the tree I'm buying you with my gift card (yes, I can see you shaking your finger at me, haha) REALLY is more for me than you. I've duct taped your old one for the past 2 years and well it's time for a new one. Having a tree in your memory filled with all your ornaments is what lights my spirit through the holidays and a tradition that keeps you alive in all of us. Keeping my promise I made to the both of us when you were dying. I do everything I can to make sure Bryson knows you and HE DOES! Funny thing, he got into your shelf the other day. He does this often and he asked if he could have one of your old watches. I said "Bry they are all ladies watches" Didn't matter to him. He wanted one and he wore it all day. Even though it didn't work. He also asked for one of your necklaces, the gold one with the eagle. He wore that all day too. Sooo you see, like all the other memories of you I have throughout the house, your new tree is the same thing and really is a HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME =) I love you Mom! (((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES******* PS. He wants a white one, hmmm

Guess what =) I just ordered you a Make A Wish ornament from Things Remembered! Can't wait, can't wait, can't wait!! Been wanting to order you one of these for a LONG time! Hopefully it's as beautiful in person as it is online. Anyhow, it'll be here in a week, booo...but it'll give me enough time to get your new tree. 'Remembering YOU and supporting Tay and all the MAW kids'...LOVE IT! The one thing that makes the holidays a little easier is buying you a new ornament every year for your tree! Miss you Mom, love you MORE (((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES*******

Gooood Morning =) Been up for 3 hours now and still haven't made coffee, HA! Snow on the ground this morning, how depressing! Wish I could be beamed right straight to April. Talked to Becky on my birthday. I've been 'ducking' her since my Cubbies snagged Maddon, lol. She's heartbroken over the downfall of the Rays but she says "I've still got Hockey" and of course today....her team plays mine =) LOL. Anyhow, hey I'm getting you a new Christmas tree! Your old one...ugh, last year I had to duct tape it together, so it's time for a new one. Excited to get it and put all your ornaments on it. I'm accumulating A LOT! Half of them I leave up through-out the house all year cuz I can't seem to package them up and put em away, but that's ok. Well I'm starting to feel the wooes 'no coffee' so I better get up here before I drift back off to sleep. Love and miss you!!! (((((((HUGS)))))))) ******KISSES******

Well I made it!!. FINALLY after 2 months of whatever was ailing me I was able to visit you at the cemetery. UGH, 2 months...WHO does that?? Sorry, hopefully that doesn't happen again! Anyhow, I sat there...in the pouring rain and I smiled =) that's ok, you're worth getting soaked for and it actually felt GOOD! I was SOOO relieved to be able to just pull myself together, pull in, get out and sit with you. I think what was holding me back was the fear of what I may not find...I had a blow up with the cemetery people and it REALLY crushed my heart! BUT...all was well!! God I miss you Mom! You had a flower there...one I can't remember giving, but I KNOW I'm the only one who visits so...? I guess when you go TWO MONTHS without stopping by you forget things, UGH! Anyhow, it was a little rose in a pot. It had a little balloon attached and a lady bug. I brought it home (even though it was dead) Bry saw it and said HE got it for you =) =) I don't know...maybe it's in sleep mode and will re-bloom in the spring? I'll keep it downstairs JUST IN CASE =) LOVE YOU!! ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES****** PS. You need to bake a cake today...for Evan =) He turns 20. I know how you LOVED baking those HAPPY birthday cakes

Well somewhere in all the hockey mix last night I saw you to in my dreams. I don't think you had skates on, but maybe, haha! Adrenaline...wow! I think I need to find another hobby besides watching sports. Had a fantastic happy birthday yesterday! 40's the new 20's ;) well at least I feel closer to 20 than 40. Get that from you ya know! LOTS of well wishes from friends and family yesterday and yes, I COOKED. They FORGOT my birthday, lol. No one wanted to admit it, but... ;) Soo, I fixed a new dish. Salsbury steak in the crock. Found a recipe online, tweaked it and it was....well I like it! Also made some garlic mashed potatoes, homemade rolls and Bry's favorite...homemade pumpkin pie! He just HAD to have his right when he got off the bus. He has this way of convincing/talking me into ANYTHING. Sure...pie BEFORE dinner, I'm IN =) Love and miss you (((((((HUGS)))))))) ******KISSES******* PS. If you're into granting 'wishes' up there... REALLY want to go to a Cub game next year. There are 2 I'm looking at. One is in May (Chicago) the other is in June Cubs at Tigers. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe...

Over 600...that's how many times I've wrote to you. Over 600 letters to Heaven. I don't if that makes me 'crazy' or I'm just someone who misses you like CRAZY! Hey hey...guess what!?!?!? The Cubbies just landed JOE MADDON!! Ha, you probably have NO idea who Joe Maddon is, so I'll just say Joe Maddon is to the Cubs who Sparky Anderson was to the Tigers =) Get it, Mmmm-hmmm... I can't wait for the season to start back up again, sooo excited!! How I WISH you were here to watch it with me. I know you weren't a "Cub" fan, but you loved baseball almost as much as I do. We sure would have a blast together going back and fourth! Your Tigers didn't do so hot this year, but they were still fun to watch. Been struggling STILL with these darn PVC's. They come in phases and it's been rough the last few weeks. If I can figure a way to unload some stress...I'm sure the PVC's would unload themselves as well, UGH! Hey, I made some of your bean and ham soup, along with some cornbread. Told Bry it was 'hillbilly' food, haha! I tell ya, it never tasted so good. I ate a HUGE bowl and felt REALLY good afterwards. BIG time energy pick me up =) May fix me another bowl before bed. Mmmmm!!! I love you Mom, sooo happy to have a place like this where I can come and 'chat'. (((((((HUGS))))))) ******KISSES******

Hey hey, headed to bed here shortly...heart has been skipping A LOT lately and well, it's making me feel like I've been hit by a truck! Trying to run just to give me a little energy or whatever. Hopefully this phase passes soon. Anyhow, have been seeing you a lot in my dreams. You don't say much and I don't remember much...just feel you there, which is perfect! Anxious to get the Christmas tree up....just to get all your ornaments out. Makes me HAPPY =) Tay had clinic on Friday, counts are dropping again...guess it's that darn vitamin D (or lack of) NOT looking forward to the winter! Other than that, she is doing good. Maintaining her 35 pounds, which they are happy with. She'll have another scan right around or just after Christmas. Miss you Mom! Hey, I got a new truck (or did I tell you that already??) Can't remember, but I LOVE IT!! NICER than my other one and I pay less a month...yayyyy!!! Not liking the leather seats though. Well, I can barely keep my eyes open here. Love and Miss you!! ((((((HUGS)))))) *****KISSES*******

Here I am...twice in one day. Lucky you huh ;) Actually lucky ME, I love talking with you. Hey, gotta get past my 'issue' so I thought if I shared it with you here, that I'd be obligated, sooo....I'll be at the cemetery in the next few days. PINKY PROMISE!! And with flowers in hand for my 'lack of' ya know ? Maybe I'll have Bry bring his football and we can play catch and hang out with you awhile...K? I don't know why I'm struggling so much with going there...well I KNOW why, I just gotta get over it. Thought if I made you a promise I would have no choice but to get over it. Goodnight Mom, game is almost over and I'm headed to bed. Your little grandson passed out on me and I'm usually the one to pass out on him, haha! LOVE YOU MORE!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES******

Loved seeing you in my dream last night, you were sooo beautiful. As beautiful as your heart is...it's no doubt your heavenly image is so gorgeous! Struggling a little bit Mom. For the first time since you've died I am having a HORRIBLE time going to the cemetery and you know why! Please help me overcome the 'you know why'. I've drove by several times now with full intention to stop and I just can not do it! Gonna try again this weekend! GIVE ME STRENGTH!!! Got something special picked out for you for Christmas this year. Things Remembered has become my favorite places for that special 'something'. Just gotta save $$ for the personal engraving, the gifts are reasonable but the engraving...WOW! You are definitely sooooo worth it AND you're gonna LOVE it, can't wait!! I'll just skip a truck payment, haha! Love you Mom or as Bry would say "I LOVE YOU MORE"!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Hi Mom =) Well we went shopping for a wedding gown today and FOUND ONE!! Absolutely gorgeous, almost as beautiful as her HEART! Ya know it was about 2 1/2 years ago. Jarrod was sitting at the table on the computer and says to me "So Mom, you want to see a picture of the girl I'm gonna marry someday." I giggled and said "SURE". He shows me and I tell him how pretty she is and he says "OH, but it's her heart, she is the kindest sweetest girl I've ever met." He was sooo intimidated by her kindness he was afraid to ask her out, he didn't **think** someone as sweet and nice as she is would ever go out with him. Well....here we are Mom, planning a wedding. He truly feels as if he is the luckiest guy in the world and could not be happier! And ya know....he is right. She REALLY is as sweet as he makes her out to be. It's not only the way she loves my son, but the way she loves Little Taylor. Never seen nothing like it, those two couldn't be any closer! It is AMAZING!!! So many of my friends/people are turned off/intimidated by her. But Mara, well it's incredible how those two respond together. It'd take your breath away =) I love and miss you Mom, sure wish you could physically be here to see the 'love' but but but....I know you have the best seat in the house and look down on us all with MUCH love and approval ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES******

Hey there =) I've been through here so many times but haven't sat long enough to chat. I've been reading a lot of our old 'chats' though. WOW, do I talk a lot, haha! Speaking of, a few weeks ago Uncle Ben was up and while we were playing Euchre Mara got a call from her Mom and she made a comment how they talk every day. I said to her "That is so great Mara, I do hope you always keep that up, I used to talk to my Mom every day too...not a day of our lives passed that we didn't talk to each other, EVER!" Uncle Ben says.."and you still do". WOW, that made me smile BIG TIME! He is sooo right, not a day of my life has gone by since you LEFT that I haven't talked to you either. A bond I am VERY proud of!! Hey guess what?!?!?!... I did it, I traded the truck in. I pick it up tonight, boy am I gonna miss my black one, something about black that drives me wild, BUT...this one is dark blue and has the back up camera that I desperately need! It's really nice Mom, you'd approve (even if it IS a ford) Ohh....and it's a few buck cheaper a month that my current one plus back to zero miles. Tay's doing good...she goes to Dr C on Friday, I had to put it off a few days cuz I had no one to watch Bryson and I doubted I'd be back in time to get him off the bus. Speaking of Bryson...he said to me last night "How come you don't have a shelf for your Dad?" UGH, was that a heart stopper, I really didn't have an answer for him. I was just a kid when he died and well... =( I told him HIS shelf, the one I have him from your house was his Grandpa's shelf that he made in high school so that is what we have for him. Kind of hit me hard and guilty! Well, I better get busy here. I miss you Mom, LOVE and ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES*******

You know every year since that very first Christmas without you, I've bought you an ornament to hang on your tree. Many times one just catches my eye, other times Bryson's eye is caught. Your tree is getting full as this will be the eighth ornament of love I'll be placing on your tree. I have the hardest time boxing them up so some I keep hung around the house. Getting excited for the 'perfect' one to catch my eye this year, or maybe it'll be Bry who finds it. Ya know, when you left us there was one thing I always promised myself...I promised to keep YOU alive in my kids. Especially Bryson's because I knew he wouldn't remember you. But you know what...he talks about you ALL the time. Even though he was only a year and a half when you died he knows you Mom....he knows you and he loves you. God is good, He really really is. As the years go by and as he grows up he will always ALWAYS have "Nama"...Grandma Joan. I pinky promise Mom!!! ((((((HUGS)))))) *****KISSES******

Hi Mom, was thinking about you so thought I'd stop by for a minute. Busy week... Tired and bored so calling it a night and going to bed! (7:30 on a Friday night, haha) More than anything I just wanted to stop by and tell you how much I loved you (there can never be enough I love you's ya know) (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Friday, August 3rd 2007. Once again I found myself at Spectrum Health, only this time the patient was you. A Bronchoscopy...I was helping you get into your gown. You were tired and weak, but determined and STRONG willed. As I was taking off your shoes a penny fell to the ground. I laughed as I picked it up "Mom, why is there a penny in your shoe". ' For luck', you said. Took everything I had not to burst into tears, instead I gathered myself and hugged you very tightly and I slipped the penny into my pocket...for love! The next several days were the absolute worst days of my life as I watched you rapidly deteriorate and eventually you drew your last breath. The penny?? I'll always have that reminder...the love part, the look on your face, the smile and how fearless you were. So luck?? Yes, a penny in your shoe for luck AND for love. Tay's MRI is tomorrow Mom. The lucky penny of love is going right in my shoe. Regardless what that MRI shows, I'll have the luck and love of that penny to keep me fearless and strong. I love you Mom (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES******

Morning Mom! Well Tay's 'BIG' Mri is approaching. I'm heading down tomorrow late afternoon actually. This one has me a little nervous. We have clinic right afterwards so hopefully I'll get some results right away (I think, I think I want results right away) Devinne is here for the weekend. She is having some issues with her bf...she was pretty sad when she called last night so I asked her if she wanted to come hang out with us for the weekend and she said "kinda..sob sob sob" =( So I told her to pull herself together, pack her bag and come on over. She was here in less than an hour. I fed her, we went toad hunting with Bry and a nice long night swim. She seemed 'ok'. Talked about it a little bit, but I don't want to pressure her ya know. I love that girl like my own. Hate to see her heart broke! Hey, I had a dream about you last night. We were grocery shopping. You had a Christmas tree, garden hose and there were people walking around in Halloween costumes so I'm not sure what the heck season it was, haha! I sure do miss you Mom. You were you're happy nothing else in the world matters jolly self. I miss that about you. The way you made us all feel at ease no matter what struggles we were facing. Sure could use you pep 'everything is gonna be ok' speech/hug NOW! I know you're here though....I can feel you ALL THE TIME! I love you! I'll be back again soon. Gotta get the kids up. We're off for Bry's hair cut and to look at trucks, UGH. Still deciding on what to do about that. (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES***** PS. Almost forgot. THE TIGERS ARE IN!!!!!!!!!!!!

If ever there was a song....this would be it! It's just one of those hard days Nothin' in the cards days Walkin' in the dark days You gotta push your way through It's a cut to the bone day A feelin' all alone day Knowin' everything's gone day Missin' you... Most days I'm doin' alright I'm movin' on with my life I put up a pretty good fight When these feelings come around But baby every now and then I let the heartache win And when your memory knocks me to the ground It's a can't let go pain I hit a new low pain I wish I didn't know pain Yeah, I'm missin' you... Most days I'm doin' alright I'm movin' on with my life I put up a pretty good fight When these feelings come around But baby every now and then I let the heartache win And when your memory knocks me to the ground It's a stuck in hell day Keep remindin' myself day That tomorrow won't hurt the same Yeah, I'm missin' you... It's just one of those hard days Hmmm, missin' you... Yeah, I'm missin' you... Goodnight Mom (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES***** Love you!

Cheering the Tigers on for you Mom =) So far so good...we're up 5-0. Always think of you when they play cuz I know if you were here you'd be watching. Well it turned out to be a pretty nice day today, tomorrow not so much. I've been cooking and baking A LOT lately. I've got more goodies in the making for the weekend and of course I'll turn around and give it all away. Think I'm going to try my hands at a pie with a homemade pie crust, ugh! Not so sure I'll be able to give that away, never made a homemade pie crust before so hmmmm.....! Tay has her MRI in 10 days, it just sort of hit me...TAY HAS HER MRI IN TEN DAYS!!!!! Dr C saw some growth on the previous one so he wanted to recheck in 2 vs 3 months. Makes me a little uneasy...he's never really said that before. It's always been me who's initiated the 'lets do one sooner' or what have you, he just agreed. Well this time it was clearly HIS idea, sooo... ??? A little worried. We go up for chemo and results right afterwards. He has a back up plan....just in case things look worse or the same. Hopefully we don't have to go there. Ugh..well anyway. Gonna watch a bit more of the game and head to bed here soon. Have had the pukes all day, not sure what's up with that. Nerves and stress most likely plus not sleeping well...surprise surprise. (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES***** Love and miss you!!!

Hey there =) I've been by here several times in the last few days. I attempted to write to you, but sometimes just being here is all I need, silent presence. Ahh, but this time I have a cute little story to share with you. Bryson and I have this little debate going on, there's always been a battle of who loves who the most ;) I CLEARLY love him more....but he definitely won this round. We're rocking in the recliner last night and he says 'but I loved YOU before I was born, so I love you MORE'. I said 'how do you figure?' He replies "I was up there with God, standing next to Him and he pointed you out and says "See that girl right there...she's gonna be your Mom someday." I loved you right then and then one day he sent me down to you." LOL, oh how awesome is that. Such little hambone, but a ROMANTIC awesome one at that. Yep...he wins that round. But I STILL love him more!! Miss you Mom, little moments like that...ones so many of us take for granted is when I miss you the most. You would have LOVED and giggled so at that statement. Ohh and the caramel apple cinnamon rolls I am in the midst of making right now...for the Tiger/Cub game tonight. YUM, I would have LOVED to shared those with you!! I'll send some down to Dale and Beanie later, I've been doing that a lot lately. Cooking and SHARING with them, but hey...someone's gotta eat it, right ;) Well my dough is ready and ready to be assembled. First time making them ya know. Hope I get it right! Thanks once again for listening Mom. Miss you! Today is Dev's birthday ya know. EIGHTEEN years old, WOW! Love that girl as if she was my own. I am sure you, her Papa and her Dad are very proud of the amazing young lady she has become! ((((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES****** PS. I love you....MORE!!

And sometimes that person we trust wasn't trustworthy. But that doesn't make your risk any less brave or your own love any less true. The real triumph --the big triumph--is to endure the betrayal and heal enough to take that risk again, to believe in your own strength and resilience enough to risk being hurt again. Thanks Mom, I love you! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES******

You believe in 2nd chances right? Of course you do...you and your forgiving heart of solid nothing but LOVE! You were always good at forgiveness. Not sure if I am wishing I was more like you or less right now??? Guide me in the right decision will you?? In the meantime,I got a bread maker yesterday. So far I've made banana pecan bread, cheddar cheese garic bread, cinnamon rolls, white bread, and dinner rolls. LOVED all of them except the banana bread. Nothing like my 'secret' recipe and I'm pretty critical when it comes to a good banana bread ;) All this cooking and bread making makes me think of you. I've used your crock all week too, yep...between baking and cooking I've kept myself/mind BUSY! Well, Little Taylor missed chemo today. Bryson has been sick the last couple days and there was just no way I was leaving him this afternoon. He's been so clingy I just needed to stay home snuggled up with him, plus I sure didn't want to take anything to clinic with me. She's doing good. Hopefully counts are holding strong. It's been 2 months since her last MRI showed tumor growth so we'll be getting a recheck this month. If you could put in a personal prayer request, that'd be great! Jarrod and Mara are on their way over to spend the night. They miss us ;) She called a couple hours ago and asked if they could come hang out and spend the night. So I got a big breakfast planned for the AM =) Well, gotta go for now Mom. Miss and Love you!!! ((((((HUGS))))))) *****KISSES*****

I was all snuggled up with Bryson last night, almost asleep and he whispers in my ear "You can kiss me if you want." So I turn around with a big smile and tell him I'd LOVE to kiss him. He says "No, tomorrow when you drop me off at school, in front of all my friends...you can kiss me." You're right Mom "Things happen for a reason"....he's AWESOME!! Good morning, and thanks for dropping in on my dream last night, you too are awesome!! (((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES*******

Bryson starts 3rd grade tomorrow...can you believe it!?!?!? Can't help to look over at Sweet Tay, she'd be starting 11th grade tomorrow, if only... =( I know, I KNOW you'd say "Tammy things happen for a reason" followed with a hug. But I still can't help to 'go there' and wonder, what she'd be like, how tall she'd be, she'd definitely weigh more than the 35 pounds she weighs today. I wonder who her friends would be, how the little spats between her and her brothers would sound, would she have a boyfriend (UGH, ok I KNOW that'd be, NO, NO, NO!) How would she dress, what kind of perfumes she'd like, what sports she'd play (she'd FOR SURE play sports!!!) What classes would she take, she'd be college bound you know, so she'd have to keep that in mind. What would she want to BE when she grew up?? She'd have her drives license you know...AND her own car =)I'd teach her how to cook and she'd LOVE it and be awesome at it!! Would her and I have the same relationship that you and I always had?? How would her voice sound? I can picture her driving the boat, skiing and tubing. She'd be the best...and she'd teach Bry, just like his big brother teaches him. If only.... (((((((HUGS))))))))*******KISSES********

Never thought I'd say this, but if there's one thing of yours I wish I didn't inherit...it'd be your HEART. Either that or I need to learn how to guard mine a little better, ugh! Anyhow, just sitting here watching an afternoon of baseball. Cubs are barely hanging on and the Tigers are trying really hard to lose ;) Hey, I ordered a bread machine, can't wait, can't wait!! It'll be here on Wednesday. Sure HOPE I inherited making the 'best bread I've ever tasted' from you...haha! THAT was definitely something you had the magic touch at, PERFECT bread! Tay sits next to me in your recliner laughing her head off. She must know I'm chatting with you. Either that or she knows I need a smile right now...she's pretty good at that you know. Love you Mom! Miss you like crazy...still! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES****** GO CUBS, GO TIGERS!!!!!

Morning Mom, up a little early to give my 'run' a shot and found myself here with you. My ticker has been out of sync Mom, bp is a little low and and well you know the rest, soooo worn and tired. It's REALLY messing with my endurance and making me mad(and sick ;), but more mad)Someone who runs/workouts as much as I do should not have this problem. Guess that goes to show you that our health/fitness/bodies are NOT earned, gift gift gift! But I knew that already. Anyhow,I took the weekend easy, so hopefully I'll be in full force again SOON. Just got done with a couple miles on the treadmill, not bad but not normal yet either. We'll call it PROGRESS and yes Mother....I'll take it easy, "pinky promise". (((((((HUGS)))))))) ********KISSES******* Gonna go catch up on some more sleep for another hour. I miss and love you! Truck needs another washing, so on my way through I'll stop by the cemetery this week with the kids. Love!

Well made it through yesterday, Tay's birthday/another year without you. I did good. UNTIL I talked to you know who. My self worth which I've been so much cleaning up, trying to anyhow....was shot all to hell and then if that wasn't bad enough my own lovely mind racing threw gas on the already flaming fire. Heck, I may have even tossed in a grenade or two. I think I was up all night 'remembering' and bashing myself on top of it. I KNOW I have flaws, LOTS of them and will never be good enough. Try as I may, I'm never gonna 'fix' most of them. I can certainly understand how some folks drink. I tell you, if I was a drinker I would have drowned myself last night. UGH, anyhow thanks for listening. Tay has chemo later and Mara is going with me. Her and Tay have an AMAZING bond. I'm teaching Mara all about Taylor. She's the only one who'll know her every day and how to take care of her. Someone needs to know that! And no, no worries. I'm in my right frame of mind. Showing someone else the 'just in case' plan is, well....necessary and should have been done a long time ago. Just been no one whom I've trusted. But I'm good... I peeled myself out of bed this morning, took a cold shower to distinguish any remaining flame (haha, see I'm even a horrible joker) It'll be a FANTASTIC day, thanks for the chat! Love and miss you ((((((((HUGS))))))))) ********KISSES********* PS. The cemetery people kind of chewed my butt yesterday while I was there. All your 'stuff' they say is on someone else's property so I have to move it BEHIND your headstone. Bryson said he was just having a grumpy day, but we moved it anyhow.

Good Morning to you =) Been awake for awhile so thought I'd stop by and chat with my best friend. I was at a party last night, you know those kind that you feel obligated to attend but aren't really into, gotta get out and socialize I suppose. Anyhow, someone says to me "You are in the best shape of anyone I've ever seen, EVER! What's your secret?" Now the compliment felt awesome, not used to that sort of thing...BUT it opened the window for my childhood cancer awareness motto and Him (you know, your Host up there) Anyhow, it was nice and made my evening out worthwhile. Hey guess what, it looks like with just a few weeks of summer vacation left summer like weather is finally gonna hit us!! Last I checked the weather we're gonna hit the 90's next week...woohooo!!! Waited 2 years for this as I don't think we had a 90 deg day this or last summer! Kids are doing good Mom, Tay will be having another MRI next month to recheck the tumor growth that the MRI last month showed. I'm soooo anxious about that. Her immune system is completely shot...ZERO so not a lot of chemo is going in. She had a battle with an ear infection and it took a lot of attention to get that settled down, but she does seem better now. I'm flooding her with antibiotics, fluids and WARMTH as instead of getting a fever, she does the opposite and her temp drops way down to the low 90's. We call her "the opposite girl" ;) I miss you Mom...still, every single day of my life I think of you and wish you were here. If I could go back about 20 years I would have MADE you quit smoking. If we only knew then. Guess no one thinks or believes it'll happen to them. Just like kids cancer, you never in your wildest worst nightmare think that can happen to you either. Just another form of being aware I guess. Well, I better get busy here. Got some miles to put in this AM. I love you (((((((HUGS))))))) ******KISSES*****

Morning Mom, off to get in a 6 mile run before coffee but thought I'd stop here first. Feeling a little 'weak' and you always help that sooo.... =)Gonna take everything I've got to get my 14 miles in today. But I CAN do it!! Minds been racing a mile a minute again, that doesn't help either. Miss you ya know. I got a new curio for you. It's beautiful and has a light in it. I completely re-did your corner in my family room, put all your 'stuff' in it. I think you'd like it Mom! I'm a little short today...sorry, not much to talk about I guess. Think I'll grab a banana for energy and head out. LOVE you (((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES*******

Hey you =) Just sitting here watching baseball so thought I'd drop in. You'd be sooo proud of the Tigers, you were their biggest fan. What am I talking about, you still are. You have the best seat in the house! Poor Becky was saddened by the loss of Price, she loved that guy, and just just as the Rays were making a comeback too =( Oh well...I am LOVING that he is now a Tiger. That def puts them in WIN mode now! My Cubbies, well...I have more faith in them now than I EVER have!! Next year will be a good year! Watching them now as a matter of fact. Not sure how much longer I can hold on though. Getting up at 4 to run and then I have a seat, fishing pole, donut and coffee waiting for me in the middle of the lake =) woohooo, noting beats being in the middle of the lake at 6 AM! Can't wait! I miss you Mom. Yayyyyy..... 2 runs scored for the Cubbies!!! We are up 3-1. Woohoo and another run just scored. Dang, I ought to watch the game with you more often. YOU are good luck!! ((((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES***** Love you Mom!

Good morning Mom! Been awhile since we've chatted. Another one of those mornings. TRIED sleeping in but nope...I've been awake since before 6AM and I was up til after 1 AM. UGH! Tomorrow bright and early I'm taking Bry fishing on the pedal boat. We've been going every chance we get, but usually it's been in the evening so tomorrow will be fun! He is REALLY into this fishing thing. He has 3 loaded tackle boxes and I just bought him another rod and reel last night. Such a FUN kid! Tay's doing 'ok'. Her MRI showed tumor growth and well that made me sick to my stomach for a few days, but I've re-grouped and am ready to go at it and do whatever it takes to get them to back the heck off! Dr C wants to do another MRI in 2 months before we decide on anything, but like always...he has 'a plan'. Such a good man he is. He sure spends a lot of time trying to figure this all out. He even helped me when you were sick! Summer has been sort of good to us. Well you would love it, it's been a comfortable summer. But you know me, I like the torturing, blistering hot kind of summer. I haven't had to turn the AC on all summer. Oh well...saves on my electric bill. We've still been able to enjoy the pool/lake almost every day! I fixed a turkey with all the fixings yesterday. Even made a homemade double layer chocolate cake ;) How often is it cool enough in the summer to do that! Sent a large portion of it home with Jarrod and gave some away. I just love the cooking part you know. I'll stop by the cemetery this weekend. I'm sure your flowers need a good watering. AND my truck needs a GOOD WASHING and cleaning out! Messy messy messy! I miss you Mom...like CRAZY. Still see and feel your reminders of love all around me, every single day. Keep them coming, it's what keeps me going. I love you!!! (((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES********

Morning Mom, mind wandered til 3 AM last night....it's been awhile with that, but at least when I did finally doze off, there you were. If only for a short while, it was great! AND not only, but we were in Chicago together =) How sweet is that?!?!?! Just sitting here having coffee watching your grand kids sleep. PEACEFUL!! Miss you and love you more than ever!! Til next time.... ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES*******

Morning Mom, another beautiful day here =) I stopped by the cemetery last evening. Sorry I didn't stay long,your flowers needed a good watering. Next time I'll stay longer. PROMISE! I'll bring the kids too. Bry likes for him and I to bring a ball and glove and play catch. Miss you! Jarrod and Mara are coming over for dinner later. Blackened Salmon, grilled veggies and homemade icecream!! Another moment I wish you were here...you'd LOVE it! Really thinking about taking Bry for a walk over by your house. His teacher lives right down the road so I know she wouldn't mind if we parked in her driveway. I'd LOVE to take him for a walk down memory lane, but I know at the same time how hard it's gonna be on me. As the song goes....'wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then.' Or maybe if I did I would have taken it in a little more appreciatively (((((((HUGS))))))) ********KISSES*******

Gooood morning =) Went gravesite shopping last evening. Got you 'stuff'. Can't wait to deck you all up! There was a part of me that wanted to send the bill to the township...they're the ones who messed it all up. BUT, 1. That's not the kind of person you taught me to be and 2. I had FUN shopping for you =) Sooo...as soon as it WARMS up here I'll bring it all by. LOVE the hummingbird solar light I got, sooo cool! I was gonna get you a bird feeder. You LOVED the ones at your house, but..I didn't think you'd appreciate them pooping all over your 'stuff' and I know I wouldn't, so I passed on that ;) I miss you Mom. Your 'Little Taylor' is sitting here next to me. She's been up since 6:00 AM! Giggle butt she is! I'll be sure to bring her out when we come next week. I know she misses you, but than again I'm pretty sure you never really left her <3 <3 (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*******

Glanced at the clock and whaddi'ya know "8:18"...our secret 'I'm thinking of you'. Soo, here I am. Not much to report, but that's the best kind of talk, the ones where I have nothing to complain to you about, right, haha! Made it through Mother's Day. Working on getting your grave site back to NICE. All the stuff we bought and set out for you is all broken up, but somehow I hear you saying 'it's ok Tammy, really'. You were like that, not much angered you. We will just replace it all little by little. Bryson LOVES buying you 'stuff'. He picked out a rose bush, I'll plant it soon. Kinda waiting for the weather to warm up here. It's been a terrible spring. We've had a few nice days, but today....47 for a high. BRRRRRR!!!! Hey, someone lit a candle for you and left the message "Thinking about you". Not sure who it was, but it was much appreciated. So if they are reading this (((((THANK YOU))))) Well Mom, best get busy here. Loads of stuff to do. Wanna come help?? ;) How I remember and loved those days you would always so eagerly lend a helping hand. I MISS YOU MOM!! ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES*********

Hey there,watching baseball (Rays) with Becky. Well 'sort of'. She's watching from FL and me from MI. We text back and forth so it's almost like we were watching together. It's nice to have someone who likes the game almost as much as I do =) Tigers won today...as did my Cubbies! I miss you Mom, I don't if I love you more or miss you more, I just miss you soooo much! Bryson wrote in his journal the other day. "I think about Grandma Joan". Made me happy and SAD! I wish he could have gotten to know you, you two would have been so great together! Well....back to the game. Becky is texting me. She's a wreck with the game being tied in the 12th inning. Gotta cheer her up and hope like heck her team wins!! LOVE YOU!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Hey, me again. Sent a couple friends for you to meet this week. Make sure they get a warm welcome. They were both great childhood cancer friends and watched over our 'Little Taylor' with much love. Just show them the way will you Mom. Heart is kind of heavy right now trying to understand this all. I'll be back later. Pinky promise! I love you! ((((HUGS)))) *****KISSES******

Hey there, I must have drifted off to sleep for a few minutes at some point last night, cuz there you were. Your visit was brief, but that's ok. It's all about the moments, right? Always has been, always will be. Thanks Mom! Even in death you always find a way. I love you!!! ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES********

Hey there, a late night so thought I'd stop by for a chat. Always loved our chats! Plan on going to the cemetery this weekend. Believe or not the weather is going to be NICE!! They left such a mess Mom,I was sooo upset and said a few things I probably shouldn't have. It's gonna take some work to get it where it was before, but I'll get it there....pinky promise! Little Taylor is doing GOOD! She's turned into a morning girl, surprise surprise! She'll sass me until I finally get her up. She LOVES your recliner. Every since I moved her to the living room (centrally located, haha)in YOUR recliner, she has been a different girl. You know how she loved sitting in it at your house. Something tells me she knows Mom. I got Bry a smart phone. Yes, I know he's only 8...BUT, it's better (and cheaper) than a laptop and a ipod. He LOVES it and the best thing of all...he texts his brother ALL THE TIME! I was reading through his 'messages'. Lots of "I love you's" going on =) That right there is worth it! I've been sleeping a little better at night, so mentally I'm feeling better...more refreshed I guess. Taught Bry how to make a chocolate cake the other day. Turned out perfect and he had a blast learning! He's gonna be a man of all trades when he grows up. He sure is a romancer. You'd be proud! Well hey. It's getting late, Tay is in there singing (my Q to come snuggle her up) I love you!! Miss you like CRAZY!!! ((((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES*****

Well hey there Mom, saw you in my dream again last night. Yeah, we were huddled up in the bathtub while a tornado went through. (My mind is a CRAZY thing, haha) But there you were...'my protector and my best friend'. I also had a baby...a tiny little newborn baby. What's with that? Hey, you wanna give me one, I'd gladly take it =D I miss you Mom, every single minute of every single day I miss you! Love you! ((((((((HUGS)))))))) *******KISSES********

Something wonderful happened today, just had to come here and share it with you. First off, I've been sick, AGAIN! Today I needed groceries. Your grandson is eating me out of house and home. Normally I go to walmart, but I just didn't have the stamina to go that far sooo...went to Fates instead. On the way home I told Bryson how when you were alive every time I went to Fates I'd run into you. Seems you were always there. So he says to me "so if Grandma Joan was still here we would have seen her in Fates today?" I said 'yep, I'm sure we would have and she would have bought you a treat, cuz that's how Grandma Joan was'. He giggled and said "M&M's, she always bought me M&M's". I was stunned! He was only 19 months old when you died, HOW did he remember that? I told him "yes, yes she would have and as a matter of fact when Grandma was in her casket ALL her Grand-kids put something 'special' in there with her, something that she could take to Heaven with her so she didn't have to go alone and YOU gave her M&M's". What a bittersweet moment that was!!! I miss you like CRAZY Mom, I really really do!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES******

Found this on one of Taylor's old web pages. Gosh, I haven't been to that site in years. But here is what I wrote to YOU shortly after you died "To my Mom: Mom, I know how special Taylor was to you, I know how much you loved her, how close you were (are) to her and how you wanted more than ever for her to be well. You were always there for her....for me and I know even though you are no longer physically here with us....I know you are in our hearts and all around us. I know you are watching over her, guiding and protecting her and smiling down telling us 'everything is going to be ok...TRUST, LOVE, BELIEVE and have above all have FAITH'. I remember the day you left us. It was on Taylor's 10th birthday. The hardest words I ever spoke was when I had to tell you 'goodbye'.... on Taylor's 10th birthday of all days and I knew you were holding on because you didn't want to leave us...on Taylor's 10th birthday of all days. So I leaned over and whispered in your ears "Mom, it's OK, it's ok for you to leave us on Taylor's birthday....this will be OUR sign, our sign Mom that you will always be watching over her. I kissed you and we brought Taylor into your room. She then sang you a song, ....her song of love, that I know only you understood the words to. We all cried....it was a bittersweet moment. You held on for the rest of the day, as to not 'ruin' her birthday. And than at 11:58 PM ....just 2 minutes before her birthday was over, you drew your last breath,...leaving us with the reminder and promise that you will always watch over your 'Little Taylor'. I will never forget this Mom! I love you and miss you soooo much, I also hear you screaming down the words you lived by 'Things happen for a reason' and 'The Good Lord will help us get thru this'. So I thank you Mom...for all you've given me....for the reminders, the love and for being the best Mother in the world. I will find the strength, because you taught me how to be strong and I will always stand by my children thru no matter what life throws as them, just like you always stood by yours! I love you Mom and I truely feel you all around me (((((HUGS)))) *****KISSES*****

Hey Mom, been a while I know. Need to blow of some steam and well...it's your lucky night, haha. I tell ya, I want to take every cigarette smoker and smash them in the face and ask them WHY? HOW? How can you smoke that f-ing shit...do you not care about your family?? A few months ago a friend was dx'd with lung cancer and now he is on hospice, with a week or so left and now...tonight another friend. She's in the same hospital that you died in. Spectrum Health Heart Center. All her lymph nodes on the right side of her neck are swollen and she has a spot on her lung along with a mass wrapped around her wind pipe. JUST LIKE YOU! She can't talk and she can't breath. JUST. LIKE. YOU!! They gave her 'emergency' radiation treatment to try and shrink it a little...but we both know what little that's gonna do. Been there done that, right? I know everyone dies. We all know that, but dying from a cancer that is PREVENTABLE is pure SHIT! Watching you die from something that was PREVENTABLE had you NOT smoked was utter hell on me! And by the look in your eye when the Doctor was telling you your prognosis...I know how you felt and if you could have taken it all back, you would have stopped smoking YEARS ago! I love you Mom and I miss you like CRAZY. This is not meant to bash you, but then you know that. I'm just MAD! I HATE cigarette smoking, it's my biggest hate! Just please ask God to wrap his arms around this family as they endure the hell that is about to be unraveled! ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES******

Taking Bryson to have his throat scoped tomorrow Mom, UGH...I remember taking you to have your throat scoped and we all know how THAT turned out. Horrid memories. Taking Tay with me for luck though =) Haha...speaking of luck, I also remember just before your scope I was helping you get into your scrubs and when I took off your shoe out fell a penny. You said it was there for 'luck'. Wow...just remembered that. Amazing how memories rip the hear apart sometimes. I don't know whether to look at this as a good sign or a not so good sign.I saved that penny you know. Maybe I'll stick it in my shoe tomorrow. Surely it was meant to bring someone luck. But honestly, my opinion goes against the Dr's. I think he has an infection beyond where they can see....but again, I'm NOT the Dr. I was right with you though, dx'd your cancer before Docs did. They said you'd be just fine and I pushed pushed pushed, just not in time. Anyhow, deep breaths. I know you're watching over as usual and I know every little thing is gonna be ok. I love you Mom ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES******

It's just one of those hard days Nothin' in the cards days Walkin' in the dark days You gotta push your way through It's a cut to the bone day A feelin' all alone day Knowin' everything's gone day Missin' you... Most days I'm doin' alright I'm movin' on with my life I put up a pretty good fight When these feelings come around But baby every now and then I let the heartache win And when your memory knocks me to the ground It's a can't let go pain I hit a new low pain I wish I didn't know pain Yeah, I'm missin' you... Most days I'm doin' alright I'm movin' on with my life I put up a pretty good fight When these feelings come around But baby every now and then I let the heartache win And when your memory knocks me to the ground It's a stuck in hell day Keep remindin' myself day That tomorrow won't hurt the same Yeah, I'm missin' you... It's just one of those hard days Hmmm, missin' you... Yeah, I'm missin' you... *****KISSES***** ((((((HUGS))))))

HAPPY New Year Mom =) Had a dream about you last night, how bittersweet was that. We always always celebrated New Years Eve together, so THANK YOU for the 'visit'! I am soooo ready for a MUCH better year, 2013 sure wasn't that!! Dev is here, she hasn't missed a New Years Eve with me yet you know. Jarrod and Mara are coming over later for football, food and snowmobile riding =) Want to get some pics of the kids outside today too with my snappy new camera! I love and miss you!! Wish you were here!!! ((((((HUGS)))))) *****KISSES***** PS. Your Little Taylor is doing great!!

Merry Christmas Mom, Merry Christmas!!! Thank and Hug Jesus for me will you? Because of Him, I don't have to worry about you!! If you get there before I do, don't give up on me. I'll meet you when my chores are through; I don't know how long I'll be. But I'm not gonna let you down, darling wait and see. And between now and then, till I see you again, I'll be loving you. Love, me. (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

You're here aren't you...watching over her as you promised you would. I just plugged my phone in to charge and it said "8:18" I always know whenever I see 8:18 you are with us and I smile =) They have her in ICU, her temp was pretty low, it wouldn't even register when we arrived and once they did get a reading she was still at 94.4 wrapped up in a bair hugger for an hour. Her heart rate was running low and her respitory also, but all have came up nicely. She's still sleepy but kind of moves a bit when I mess with her. Pastor Gloria made a visit and said a sweet prayer with her. She is having an MRI tomorrow along with whatever else it takes to 'fix' her. She's better than when we arrived so for that I am great-full and staying positive. I love you Mom...please wrap her in your arms and let her know every little thing is gonna be ok! ((((((HUGS)))))) *****KISSES*******

Well well...been meaning to stop by here for awhile now. Not like I'm too busy you know. Just sitting here in Tay's room at Devos. She's doing (her blood counts)...better, just still on the sleepy side. Last word was Dr C was gonna let me take her home today and then he wants to see her again on Friday. He wants a day at home to see how she does there. Sooo...I don't know. Hope it isn't anything more and this lethargy will gradually improve. Here I go second guessing myself, but really not gonna know until I get her home and see how she responds. Her ANC is a little more safe and he'll keep her on neupogen daily. She's well hydrated and I have loads of antibiotics, so really I have all I need to care for her at home. Dang, wish you were here Mom! Could sure use some of your amazing strength and a BIG hug right now. Hey, you know how I get you an ornament every year since you've started bunking up there with Jesus?? Well...tada, this one is from Devos =) I got 2 actually. Wrapped them and put them in a gift bag for Bryson. I told him he could pick out the one he wanted and hang the other on your tree for you! He has today off from school...icy roads day. I am also keeping him home tomorrow, with ME and just loving on him. He's having a hard time not being with me and well...I owe/need to have him a day all to myself. I know, you understand this. Love you Mom (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES****** Keep watching over her, she needs strength right now to pull all the way through this bug!

Morning Mom, thought I'd come and sit with you awhile. Our "Little Taylor" still isn't feeling well and you know how I get when she is sick. YOU always were the same way. Heartbroken when she wasn't herself. She's just sooo lethargic, I've held all her meds that may contribute to this and it still isn't helping any. Just look over her will you and give me the patience/strength I need. I love you and miss you more than you could ever imagine. Gonna go for now, hard to sit for too long...nerves are shot (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Hi Mom =) Had breakfast with my neighbor today, she is your age. Made me feel good! Something about the elderly and the young...does my heart so much good! It's COLD out today. Wintery weather has arrived I'm afraid. Even had snow on the ground this morning, not much...just a dusting. Guess what Dino sent me??? A REALLY nice camera, a Nikon =) I just love it and can't wait to start taking pictures. I will be no where near as good as he is, but I'm sure gonna have fun using it! Wanted to go to the river this afternoon to get some shots, but here I sit...haha! What I really can't wait for is all the beach shots I'm gonna have fun taking next spring/summer. Taylor had Dr C yesterday, she did GREAT! We are on a good road right now, hope it lasts a while. When she's happy, I'm happy! I'll be putting up the Christmas trees next weekend. Believe it or not I have most of my shopping done. Did a big portion of it online, sooo much easier and FREE shipping =) I sure miss you Mom. I know what I'd be getting you for Christmas this year if you were here...and you'd have loved it! Love you!! Chat more later. Washing mine and Tay's bedding and I'm a little behind. At this rate, I'll be up all night! ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES****** PS. Feel free to drop by in my dreams, could REALLY use a HUG!

Morning Mom, had a dream about you last night. 1st I need to 'refresh' your memory. Remember shortly after you helped me get my 1st car (Fiero..woohoo)And you gave me half the garage to park it in. You were on the left and I was on the right ;) Well well, one day YOU parked on my side and so I had to park on yours. Anyhow, when I went to back out I did as I always did...back out and turn to the right. Only only, little did I remember (and nope, I didn't look...backed right up) YOU were there and I smacked right into you. Not once Mom (confession time) I said to myself 'what the heck was that, put er in forward and did it again...oops and ouch...yeah I backed into you TWICE. 2nd time I looked though and uhm....it was your car. SORRY!! Anyhow, my dream last night...I did it again, only with my truck. I miss you Mom. Certainly the kindest most gentle person I've ever known!! (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES******* Tay has her MRI on Thursday. Snuck right up on me! I Love You!!!

I got'cha some new solar lights, I'll bring em by soon =) I love you Mom (((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES******

There you go again, always there...even when you're not. Thanks Mom, for you know, the hugs! Had to be the best hug I've had...ever! And I needed it more than you know! I miss you Mom! Think of you every single day and couldn't love you more! I'll be back to chat more later. I love you! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES****** "In my darkest hour I tell myself I'll see you again..."

I don't know if I love you more or if I miss you more...both (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES*****

Glanced at the clock a few minutes ago, 8:18. We both know what that means...you're thinking of me. So I jumped up, grabbed a cup of coffee and here I am. Morning Mom **kiss** ((hug)) oh how I miss you, still! Coming here helps though, just sitting here, 'talking' to you and listening to your music. Can almost feel you sitting right beside me ya know? Pretty chilly morning out there, just ran out to turn on the pool heater and brrrrr, wish I would have paid more attention, I'da turned it on last night. Hope it warms up enough for Sweet Tay today! She still loves it Mom, it's her...it's OUR happy place. We float together on our little rafts hand in hand. She'll sing, talk and giggle. Heck, we'll even drift off to sleep ;) Stopped by the cemetery the other day. Brought you some 'stuff'. Flowers and all. Cleaned up a little, pulled some weeds,took a few pictures. Bry played of course. He caught you a slug and left it for you the other day, haha...that's our boy. Gosh,if you were still here...in your house, why he'd have a BLAST! All the outdoor adventure at your house. The 'catching' things. He'd be outside day and night if I'd let him. At least he's not an inside video game bum huh? I miss you Mom...I really really do. I'd give anything in the world to just sit with you for 5 minutes and let my heart out to you. Only one in the world I could do that with Death is a wall, but it can't be the end You are my protector and my best friend... I love you! (((((((HUGS))))))) ******KISSES*******

Hey Mom, was just thinking of you so thought I'd stop in before going to bed. I'm completely exhausted and worn... I can almost hear you now and even though you'd be scolding me out of concern, I can't help but to smile. I'm not sure which one of us worried about the other more, me or you =) Gonna be a tough week,Taylor has her MRI on Thursday. I'll be at the hospital ALL DAY! And of course her birthday and your Heaven anniversary...It's just hard Mom. I miss you SOOOOO much. Really could use you right now to talk to, I know you'll be with me on Thursday though. As you promised. Night....love you ((((((HUGS))))))) *****KISSES*******

Filled my truck up today,there was a lady filling up her car next to me. Soo reminded me of you. We made eye contact and exchanged hi's and smiles. Drew a smile and a tear....God I miss you Mom! ((((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES***** Every step I take, every move I make Every single day, every time I pray Ill be missing you Thinking of the day, when you went away What a life to take, what a bond to break Ill be missing you...

It's just one of those hard days, nothin' in the cards days, walkin' in the dark days...you gotta push your way through. One of those feeling all alone days and I sure am MISSING YOU!! Morning Mom, the above pretty much sums up how the last few days have gone. God I miss you! Sure would love to have a good talk over a cup of coffee. You always had all the answers and knew how to make 'life' look a little brighter. Blahh...I need to just suck it up and move forward. Sooo, anyhow, it's been a pretty cool summer. You'd like it, but I could stand a little more HEAT! It's been a busy summer. Went to FL for 10 days. Becky and Dino look fantastic!!! A couple weeks after we got home Lisa and family came up. It was so great having the little kids running around. You would have absolutely LOVED it! So many times I'd just look at them and I could see you smiling at the joy of having family around. You lived for that Mom. Nothing in this world made you happier than your family did. And I'm proud to say that I am the same way! Having them here was a true blessing! Kids are doing good. Jarrod just moved to Lakeview, has a good job and a beautiful inside and out girlfriend. I believe he has found 'the one'. She lights up his heart Mom. Tay is doing 'ok'. She had a rough winter and spring. Summer has been a little better for her, but she still struggles with her blood counts and her weight. She goes for her MRI in 2 weeks, so mark it on your calender. I WILL NEED YOU THERE!!! Bryson is Bryson, the one who makes me smile every single day. He is a Godsend that's for sure! I'm doing ok Mom, struggling yes, but like you I am a survivor. You taught me well =) I love you Mom and I miss you...God do I ever miss you!! I wish...well. Just keep my seat up there warm will ya. I know, I know and don't worry ;) Love you (((((((HUGS)))))))) *******KISSES********

Well I bet your Mother's Day was perfect Mom as you welcomed Travis 'Home'. I can almost hear your voice, see your face and your arms wide open. Your Grandson...you have him now and he never has to leave. I know things happen for a reason and everyone has a time to die, and he may even be better off up there with you, but for us down here...especially Debbie, we just don't 'get it'. He was too young. The pain this all leaves is real, shocking and heartbreaking. I'm so worried about Debbie Mom, I hope God sends her some strength and guidance....she needs it now more than ever. I love and miss you Mom! ((((((HUGS))))))) ******KISSES*******

I have been reading through your messages (thoughts) for the past 2 hours and came across this one, wrote less than a year after you left us. It always makes me smile and cry. Wanted to share it again. From Jarrod: Hey Gram, its 5:35 in the morning on a "scoo" night and i cant sleep. I've been thinking about you on and off for about the past week now, but tonight really got to me. It took me forever to get on here, i had to dig through my inbox to find the link, and then i didnt have an account so i had to keep trying to guess mom's password so i could get on hers. it took me about a billion tries but then i think you finally helped me out and i got it :) Gosh gram i miss you so much. it hurts so bad. i know i dont visit on here very often, but i visit you in my heart everyday, you know that. I have a song that reminds me so much of you, i put it on all my cd's and everytime i hear it i look up at you and blow you a kiss. its one of those rap songs that you always thought i was crazy for listening to. Gosh gram as the days go by there just more and more that reminds me of you, i need the bottom of my jeans sewed, i seen a part of Dirty Dancing on tv the other day, and i made eggs for breakfast this morning...all of which made me think of you. i thought this was supposed to get easier, its only getting harder. were having your birthday dinner on sunday and i dont want to go at all. its going to be so hard, god i dont even want to think about it. and now i know moms gonna call me first thing in the morning to yell at me about it, but i know if you were here youd argue against her with me, and be on my side like always :) i bet she calls me by 10:00, i know she checks this all the time. i think that makes it hurt even worse. i see how much she writes on here, and how much she misses you, and how much she loves you. I see everyone write on here gram... mom, aunt shelly, lissy, aunt becky, aunt debbie. We all love you so much gram its crazy. i wish you were so i could tell you. its so weird not raking your yard this year, i wonder if mom will ask me to do it anyways. I remember you would always try to beat me to it and get it done before i had the chance, youd rake and mow all of remus if mom would let you, i dont know why but you loved it. gosh i just sit here and think about you and more and more things keep popping into my head, its like they'll never stop. i think i'll be able to sleep now though, so thanks for listening. i miss you so much gram its unreal. and i love you even more. Goodnight. (((((HUGS)))) *****KISSES*****

Happy Birthday Mom =) Made you a homemade chocolate cake today...double layer, with homemade chocolate frosting. You would have loved it! Bryson sure does! We went to the store and bought you flowers. He couldn't decide so you got 2 =) We stopped by the cemetery but it was soooo cold we didn't stay long at all. We brought your flowers back home and when it gets warm enough we will transplant them there. The way this spring has been going so far it could be awhile. I had an awake vision of you last night. I was in bed and when I closed my eyes I saw you. You were at the cemetery. Your car was parked next to where you and Dad are buried at. You opened your trunk, I could see your face and you had a beautiful smile. I was standing way back and watched you. You took lots of decorations out of your trunk and placed them next to the headstone. You always did such a wonderful job at keeping things looking nice. You were proud of that and the smile on your face sure showed it. My vision ended, but I promise to fulfill that Mom. I'll continue where you left off and keep things looking nice. I need to work harder on Grandma's this year though. You always kept hers up as well as Dad's. I've been talking on facebook to Aunt Babe, which makes me smile. It's nice to have a piece of Dad's family I can still connect through so please tell him and Grandma that will you? Tay is doing well Mom, back to herself again. THANK YOU!!!! Well you have a wonderful birthday, I am sure you are completely surrounded by love up there, today and everyday. In my heart forever!! Love and miss you (((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES****** Love, Tammy

I just miss you Mom (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES****** It's just one of those hard days Nothin' in the cards days Walkin' in the dark days You gotta push your way through It's a cut to the bone day A feelin' all alone day Knowin' everything's gone day Missin' you... Most days I'm doin' alright I'm movin' on with my life I put up a pretty good fight When these feelings come around But baby every now and then I let the heartache win And when your memory knocks me to the ground It's a can't let go pain I hit a new low pain I wish I didn't know pain Yeah, I'm missin' you... Most days I'm doin' alright I'm movin' on with my life I put up a pretty good fight When these feelings come around But baby every now and then I let the heartache win And when your memory knocks me to the ground It's a stuck in hell day Keep remindin' myself day That tomorrow won't hurt the same Yeah, I'm missin' you... It's just one of those hard days Hmmm, missin' you... Yeah, I'm missin' you... I Love You, Tammy

Meijer Heart Center...that's what I see sitting here in bed looking out our window. Thinking of you Mom, miss you like crazy! Tay had a good day today. Dr Foody is going to do a shunt study tomorrow. He ordered a CT scan this morning and all was well. AMEN! Whatever she is fighting sure did take her down. She's finally having better days, hopefully she continues to improve. She's been sick for over a month now, you'd be a rack of nerves if you were here Mom. I think some of the worst days you seen were the times she was sick. You hated that! Hopefully we are on the right road and she'll be back home soon! You know Tay, she's kept them on their toes from the day she was born. 15 years later...her story continues.I just wish we could fast forward to summer, get her back in the pool, boat rides and the beach... her happy places. Well, I can barely keep my eyes open here. You know me, I simply don't sleep well in the hospital. Every little move she makes, every little breath...she's my soul Mom! I thank you for watching over her. Please continue to do so. Goodnight, I Love You ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES****** I lit a fire with the love you left behind It burned wild and crept up the mountainside I followed your ashes into outer space I can't look out the window I can't look at this place I can't look at the stars They make me wonder where you are Stars Up on heaven's boulevard And if I know you at all I know you've gone too far So I, I can't look at the stars All those times we looked up at the sky Looking out so far we felt like we could fly Now I'm all alone in the dark of night The moon is shining But I can't see the light And I can't look at the stars They make me wonder where you are Stars Up on heaven's boulevard And if I know you at all I know you've gone too far So I, I can't look at the stars Stars Stars They make me wonder where you are Stars Up on heaven's boulevard And if I know you at all I know you've gone too far So I can't look at the stars Love, Tammy

You've been gone for a long long time You've been in the wind, you've been on my mind You are the purest soul I've ever known in my life Take your time, let the rivers guide you in You know where you can find me again I'll be waiting here 'till the stars fall out of the sky When you left I was far too young To know you're worth more than the moon and the sun You are still alive when I look to the sky in the night I would wait for a thousand years I would sit right here by the lake, my dear You just let me know that you're coming home And I'll wait for you Years have gone but the pain is the same I have passed my days by the sound of your name Well they say that you're gone and that I should move on I wonder: how do they know, baby? Death is a wall but it can't be the end You are my protector and my best friend Well they say that you're gone and that I should move on I wonder: how do they know, baby? How do they know? Well, they don't (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES****** I Love You Grandma ~ Little Taylor

Well, I'm sitting here Mom, starring out the window from Taylor's hospital room and looking at the very hospital you died in. Hard as hell...sometimes I just have to close the blinds. I know you watch over her Mom, not just now...because she's sick, but every day. I hear it in her giggles, I see it in her smile and I feel it in her love. It's just times like these, I think of you and miss you so so so much more and if it's not hard enough already with her being sick, you not being here physically makes it that much harder. No one in the family has called....not one single person, how could they not know, it's all over her facebook page. Everyone else, people we've never even met before offer their prayers and support every single day. I don't know Mom, probably shouldn't let it bother me, it just does. She had an MRI today on her thigh. Showed infection in the tissue and muscle, she's on IV antibiotics thru Sunday and if she shows progress over the next few days we can switch her to oral form so she can go home next week. However, her bone marrow is concerning the Hem/onc team. She'll be getting another blood transfusion tomorrow and if we can't keep her counts up she'll need a bone marrow biopsy to see what is going on. They can't see any clear or definite reason as to why this is happening, possibly infection, but it's not happened with her in the past. So...another thing to worry about! Hold her tight Mom, make her feel safe. You were always good at that while you were here! Anyhow, I'm gonna head to bed here. I love you and miss you like crazy!!! Bryson is going to spend the weekend here with Tay and I...can't wait! Miss him like crazy too! ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSESS*******

Hey you, I was just thinking of you,glanced at the clock and when it said 8:18 I knew you were thinking of me too, so here I am! She's doing better Mom. Still sick and not her self, but we are heading in the right direction. Poor little thing was so not feeling well.She's still really sore, but not nearly as moany as she was. Dr C has been calling every day to check on her. Hey hey...one month from today is opening day, woohoo!! Spring and baseball have arrived!! God I miss you Mom! Cried myself to sleep the other night, crazy I know, you'd think after 5+ years I'd be used to you not being here. I don't know...guess I'll never get used to it. Life will never be the same you know? Anyhow, enough of that. A little something to share. The other day Bry says to me "When I go to Heaven I'm gonna be a bank robber". I said, Bryson...Heaven is GOOD, there are no bank robbers and I'm sure there are is no banks/money anyhow. He replies "What, no money...well are there any stores??" I told him I didn't know, I've never been to Heaven before so he says, "Well, can you ask Grandma Joan". LOL, so Mom....I'm asking you, are there stores in Heaven?? He's such a nut. God love his soul! Love you Mom....Miss you like crazy!! ((((((HUGS))))))) ******KISSES******

Saw you in my dreams last night, all I know is you were there, thank you Mom! I Love and Miss You! ((((((HUGS)))))) *****KISSES****** Your Mother is always with you. She’s the whisper of the leaves as you walk down the street, She’s the smell of certain foods you remember, flowers you pick, the fragrance of life itself. She’s the cool hand on your brow when you’re not feeling well, She’s your breath in the air on a cold winter’s day. She is the sound of the rain that lulls you to sleep, the colors of a rainbow, She is Christmas morning. Your Mother lives inside your laughter. She’s the place you came from, your first home, and She’s the map you follow with every step you take. She’s your first love, your first friend, even your first enemy, but nothing on earth can separate you . Not time, not space…… not even death.

God I miss you....sooo much Mom!!! ((((((((HUG))))))))) ********KISSES******** I lit a fire with the love you left behind, And it burned wild and crept up the mountainside. I followed your ashes into outer space I can't look out the window, I can't look at this place, I can't look at the stars, They make me wonder where you are Stars, Up on Heaven's boulevard And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far So I, I can't look at the stars All those times we looked up at the sky, Looking out so far, We felt like we could fly. And now I'm all alone in the dark of night, The moon is shining, But I can't see the light, And I can't look at the Stars, They make me wonder where you are Stars, Up on Heaven's boulevard And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far So I, I can't look at the stars I Love You!!!!

Good morning Mom! Hey, I'll pay ya $100 bucks if you come over and help me clean my house, haha ;) Oh how I wish! I'd give every cent I had if I could make it happen and we'd forget about cleaning part! Jarrod's coming over later and spending the night. He's at a wrestling meet right now. I think individual districts are today...something like that. Yep, he's still big time in to wrestling. He coaches now and loves it! His 'other' job, it's to do with sports as well. He just landed over a $100,000 account!! HUGE seeing how the company's biggest account was only 20,000. He's doing well Mom....he really is! He gets to go on another business trip to Vegas in either March or April. You'd be proud Mom! I remember how worried you'd get when he was a wrestler and he'd have to starve just to maintain his weight class. Sucked, I know but if you could only see him now. He's a muscle machine!!! HUGE, works out everyday and looks awesome!! He comes over about once a week and he helps coach Bry's wrestling, so we see him then too. Tay's doing good Mom, she's keeping things stable and that's a good thing. A little gaggy these past few days. I missed chemo on Tuesday, had to reschedule for this Tuesday. Bean's in Hawaii and I didn't have anyone to get Bry off the bus, soooo, I had to change things around. We reduced one of her chemo's (a tad) and she has another MRI in April. Dr C still looks the same and is as cool s ever. He thinks like me, actually it's more like he knows what I'm thinking, haha. That's a good thing. Guess when a Dr has been following you for over 15 years they get to know you pretty well! Bryson...what can I say, AWESOME!!! He talks about you a lot and nothing could make me happier! I made him your famous chicken noodle soup a few weeks ago. Can't believe how much he ate. LOVES that stuff! He calls it "Grandma Joan Soup". I keep you alive in his mind and his heart Mom, always have, always will! Well I better get going here. My house is a wreck! Bry's entertained with watching SpongeBob and eating pancakes and Tay's still sleeping so I better get cleaning while I can. I love and miss you!!! (((((((HUG)))))) *********KISSES******** I lit a fire with the love you left behind, And it burned wild and crept up the mountainside. I followed your ashes into outer space I can't look out the window, I can't look at this place, I can't look at the stars, They make me wonder where you are Stars, Up on Heaven's boulevard And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far So I, I can't look at the stars All those times we looked up at the sky, Looking out so far, We felt like we could fly. And now I'm all alone in the dark of night, The moon is shining, But I can't see the light, And I can't look at the Stars, They make me wonder where you are Stars, Up on Heaven's boulevard And if I know you at all, I know you've gone too far So I, I can't look at the stars I Love You!!!!

Hey there. Tried really hard to connect with you last night, so needed you, just didn't work. The little sleep I got, I couldn't find you there. Life is hard you know, not having the one person, the only person I could ever talk to...you, around. It's really hard without you here Mom! Im sorry, gonna have to cut this short. That's all I got for now. Talk more later. I Love You! I do know, if you would have known...you'd have been there for me, in my dreams last night. ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES********

"If you get there before I do Don't give up on me I'll meet you when my chores are thru I don't know how long I'll be But I'm not gonna let you down Just you wait and see So between now and then Till I see you again I'll be lovin' you Love me" (((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES****** Love, Tammy

Hey there,just sitting here thinking about you so thought I'd stop by. Sure wish you could talk back. Mind has been going a mile a minute lately. Trying to focus and stay positive on all the good, as I'm sure that'd be your advice to me. And and and...to look with my heart. Just need to dig myself out of this rut is all. This artic blast we're having sure doesn't help the doom and gloom thoughts I tell ya. Warmer weather...can't wait!! Bry's been home sick all week. He's on the mend though and planning on going back to school tomorrow. Luckily Tay and I have been spared, surprised cuz he's spewed all over me several times...ewww! She goes to see Dr C tomorrow. Make up day...we were suppose to go on Tuesday but between the frigid weather and bad roads we rescheduled. She's been drinking apple juice again,I just love seeing her put a cup to her lips and take sips. I think I'll try some chocolate milk, that was always one of her favorites. Criss is her now...reading her a story. Her and Criss...still have that great relationship. She's so good with her. If you could see Tay now, you'd surely smile. So peaceful and happy as she sits in her rocker listening to the story! I love you Mom...Miss you like crazy!!! ((((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES******* Promise I'll 'try' harder and hang in there with a smile...for you!! ♥ ~"If what you see by the eye doesn’t please you, then close your eyes, and see from the heart. Because the heart can see beauty and love more than the eyes can ever wonder."~ ♥ .

Hey there, what's this I hear about you visiting Bean last night in her dream and wanting to chat all night? MY turn MY turn MY TURN!! I'll chat with you all night long...any and EVERY night!! So please please please...come visit, SOON!!! The pictures of Dad came!! Sure brought back some happy memories. It also made me sad at how I had forgotten so much. Seeing his pictures really sent me back and helped me 'remember'. I'm sharing stories about him with the kids and I'm great ful I have this memorial so they can come visit and read about you whenever they want. It helps Mom...it really does! Memories are everything!! Hey, I'm taking the kids the kids to the pool tonight. Bean is going with. Yes, she is fulfilling her promise to you by looking over your kids. Especially me Mom. I honestly don't know what I'd do without her. She is at my beck and call every single time I need her!! So I guess, now and then it is only fair to share your dream visits with her. Just make sure mine are MORE ;) I love you Mom and I miss you like crazy!!!! (((((((HUGS))))))) ******KISSES*******

Morning Mom, coffee? Just made a fresh pot and I'm enjoying mine in your cup. Thought I'd come here and hang out with you for awhile. Went to bed late, tossed and turned, woke up early and the kid remain sleeping. So the perfect time for us to 'talk'. Took Tay for her chemo appointment the day after Christmas. Dr Mitchell saw her. It's been awhile since I've seen here, other than the 'quick hellos' while passing in the hall. You/we always liked her. Any how we chatted for quite a while. It was nice to catch up. She shared some info that I'm sure she's never shared with many and when we were done she said 'I'm glad we had the chance to talk,it was really nice seeing you today, I've always thought you were the best Mom'. That certainly made my day Mom. The compliment....I am who I am because of YOU!! The compliment Mom is all yours! I remember one of the last things I whispered in your ear before you passed away was "if I can be 1/2 the Mom to my kids that you were to your's, I'll be happy with that'. I love you Mom and not a day goes by that I don't think of you or have a conversation w/you in my mind (ha, of course the conversation part...people would probably think I'm crazy, but hey we conversed every single day while you were alive...why stop just because I can't see you? I still feel you!) About Tay's MRI....Dr C called (now I am not gonna go out and do the happy dance just yet. I've played this game before, where he calls and says its good, only to get me in front of the scan in person and have it be quite the opposite) BUT, he called and said the areas of enhancement (which simply mean things are starting to grow) have decreased and the brainstem and spinal tumors are stable!!!! Soo...praying her is right! Radiologist report will be there on Tuesday and I can see it all for myself. Hey, guess what!!! Aunt Babe is sending me some pictures of Dad, so excited!! The ones that you had in your photo albums Debbie has. I have very few..2 maybe. So I am REALLY excited!!! Soo happy I connected with Aunt Babe too! I gave her the link to your page, so she may stop by soon. I miss you Mom!! I just love and miss you!!!! (((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES********* Love, Tammy

Bryson bought you a Christmas gift, an Angel. He put it on your shelf next to your tree. THANK YOU Mom! You always told me "things happen for a reason". You were the only person who could say those words to me and have them have meaning. I see Bryson's reason every day. His gentle heart, his smile, his laugh...even his naughtiness at times. I see so much of YOU in him. Could not imagine my days without you if he wasn't here to love me through them. I promise I will continue to share your memory with him and you promise me you will keep shining through! I love and miss you Mom (((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES******** Love, Tammy

Good morning Mom! I've been meaning to write to you for several days now, you know how I procrastinate though. I talk to you every single day in my mind though. Your tree is up, think I may have to invest in a new one next year. I had to duct tape some of it back together,so this could be it's last year. Bought you a new ornament for it. It says "To Mom with Love". Bryson helped pick it out. He's so excited for Christmas. He tries to sneak a peak of all his presents you know. He'll shake em and snoop. Sooo, I left his name off of them and told them they were all Sissy's, lol. That fixed that. Although he did run up to her with a couple in hand and 'guessed' what they were. "Sissy, this one is a Barney movie". He's such a little goof Mom, you would surely enjoy him! Hey guess what?? Tay is getting a new recliner for Christmas. She still has yours in the living room, but she needed a new one in the family room. She's gonna love it, it is so comfy soft! Can't wait for her to sit in it! I miss you Mom, more and more every day! So many times I just really wish you were here, to talk...have dinner with, go shopping with, laugh with and just spend time with! Holidays are so hard!! Sharon came over a little while ago, she brought me fudge =) She's so kind. I don't see her very often. I told her i'd love for her to come visit again....when she could stay longer! Well Mom, I have sooo much left to do here. I did get the kids rooms cleaned, closets and all. How a kids room can get so 'sloppy' when neither one ever sleeps in there lol. I got the downstairs playroom all tidied up too! Cleaning....reminds me of you, cuz you were so particular and good at it. Wish I was! I Love You Mom!!!! (((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES******* Love, Tammy

Love you, miss you, wish you were here!!! ((((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES********

Wow, have been thinking of you all morning and the phone just rang, the caller's (no relation)last name was Hamilton. What a heart stopping moment that was, the only other "Hamilton" that has ever came thru on my caller ID was YOU! Even had your area code and the same last two numbers as yours! Took me a minute to even answer it. Fell asleep thinking of you last night, saw you in my dreams. I was at your house, you were there. Lee was there too. He was in the garage watching TV. You were giving Tay some of your perfumes =) You always loved the way she smelled. Every time you saw her you'd always greet her with a kiss and tell her how pretty she looked and how good she smelled! I had the flu....ugh! I made some of your homemade chicken soup yesterday, I know if you were here you would have made if for me. It helped...and when Bry sniffed it out, "Is that Grandma Joan's soup??" And of course he wanted some, a good 3 bowls worth, lol. I miss you Mom, I just really really miss you and here we are...back to the holidays. The time of year you enjoyed having all of your family together! (((((((HUGS)))))))) *******KISSES*********

World Series starts tonight Mom. If you were here, I'd have you over to spend the night, you'd be all excited for the game. You LOVED the Tigers! I'd fix a fabulous dinner for you and we'd have plenty of game time snacks. I'm fixing shrimp nachos...pretty certain you'd love em! We'd watch the whole game..all of them, like we did back in 84 when they won the title. It is you who got me hooked on baseball. Your favorite player was Lance Parish, mine was Kirk Gibson =) I miss you like crazy Mom! Bryson asked me yesterday "What was Grandma Joan like?" I told him what a wonderful person/Mom/Grandma you were and if she was still her that he'd have plenty sleepovers at her house. He asked 'what kind of stuff did she like to do, did she like video games'. I told him she loved games and she would play/do anything with you that you asked her to. He was happy/sad. Happy to hear stories about you and sad he never had the chance to do much with you. You two sure would have gotten along great!! Tay is doing good Mom, other than some sleeping issues, in which Dr C says is 'neurological' and rx'd her some meds....which work sometimes and sometimes not so much. Her scans are pretty stable. A little growth on the last one. She'll be up for another in Dec, right before Christmas. Jarrod is doing AWESOME! He landed an amazing job in sports equipment and LOVES it! He gets an all expense paid trip to LA (someplace like that) next week! He's still coaching and managing as well, busy busy busy!! Well, I just wanted to drop in. Think about you every single day! I love you Mom!! ((((((((HUGS))))))) ******KISSES*********

Like a deer in headlights, I stood frozen in my tracks and the weight of you not here nearly broke my back.... I miss you Mom, I just really really miss you! I drove by your house the other day. 1st time in over a year! There were a couple beater vehicles in the driveway, lawn needed mowed, no flowers in the bed and the house could surely use a painting or 'something'. I was contemplating parking along side of the road and taking Bry for a walk sometime, maybe down 'memory lane' and head back by the 'back trailer'...where it all started. My memories of 'up north'. But than I thought of how much it had to have changed, all sorts of buildings and technology back there I am sure. He'd be better off if I painted a picture in his mind thru stories. What good times and memories I have to share w/him! He's growing up so Mom, you'd be proud. You ARE proud I am sure =) Well, I better get for now....plenty to do around here. I was just missing you and needed to talk is all. I LOVE YOU Mom!!! *******KISSES******** (((((((HUGS)))))))

Thank you Mom!! I love and miss you!!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES******

Morning Mom, just me dropping in for coffee =) Tay gets her MRI results tomorrow, kind of steered my mind away from that...somehow! We haven't had enough forward yet to go back, right? I know....stop that, it'll be good, it's gotta be! She's a FIGHTER (would be your words...haha, I know you so well) Anyhow, down here, things are moving right along, weather is, well...not liking the cooler stuff that's for sure! Bry is in 1st grade and sort of kind of liking/not liking it. Our problem is...being separated, he's a Mama's boy =) Hey hey, got a new truck! I am soooo in love with it! Was gonna go Explorer again, but man there just isn't enough room in those. Mine would seat 7, but then there was no room for 'stuff' and you know how much 'stuff' I lug around! The truck....it's a 2012 Ford F-150 ( ohh good grief, don't tell Dad, lol) it's a 4 door...full cab and seats 6. Gonna get a tonneau cover for it this week, so I have the FULL back for all my 'stuff'! It's BLACK...my fav color! Humungo gas tank, 36 gallon. Can't wait to see how much it sets me back filling it up. You would not believe gas prices Mom, you were upset about them before you left..well they've DOUBLED!! Anyhow, I got tons of cleaning to do here,these are the times I sooo don't like having a big house! All rooms, upstairs and down need cleaned, UGH! I love you Mom and I miss you like crazy!!!! Hey thanks, you know for last week and all the dreams of mine you were in. I don't remember much about them, just that you were there. Which I believe was all that was meant to be known...no matter what, you're always here for me!! ((((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES*********

Morning Mom! I saw you in my dream last night, or this morning rather. I woke up at 7 and fell back asleep and there you were =) You were happy about how everyone is doing, we hugged...A LOT and you even held my hand. I know we are always together Mom, you're always right here beside us, ALWAYS. You reminded me of that, thank you!! You looked beautiful by the way. I don't know who's doing your hair up there, but tell them GREAT JOB!!! I LOVE YOU!!!(((((((((HUGS))))))))) *******KISSES********

Here we are...another year gone and Sweet Tay's birthday! She had a great day Mom, just as your wish for her would be...to have a great happy day! She spent a couple hours in the pool, not a cloud in the sky. Afterwards I bathed her and it rained like crazy! By the time I had her all cleaned up it had stopped so we headed to the cemetery. Bry brought you a balloon...when he let it go it headed straight for your house, lol. He thought that was pretty cool. He also picked you out a snail decor he left at your grave site. The mini rose bush he picked out is here though, it's in a little mini pot and we will keep it next to your shelf. Tay was all smiles today, she got some hair stuff...you know girls and their 'hair stuff', shampoo, detangler...that sort of stuff. She also got some smell good and 3 new pair of shoes. Oh and of course a Barney dvd and batteries from Bryson. I'll pick her up a few more thing for the 'birthday bash' on Labor Day weekend. Hoping Debbie comes up!!! I talked to her today, she seemed 'ok'. Misses Lee like crazy so please hug him for her and if he could have him send her a sign or something =) Bry also helped make Tay a pumpkin pie for her bd, she hasn't tasted it yet, but I will make sure she does tomorrow! I miss you Mom, more than anyone could ever imagine!! I know you're happy though and that's the most important thing. I love you!! *******KISSES******* (((((((HUGS))))))))

Morning Mom! Been up awhile. Compliments of your Grand Children, one named BED HOG the other HAPPY! Just peeked in on them and...geesh, both sleeping like babies. All they wanted was a king sized bed to themselves, lol. Anyhow, just made coffee, poured it in your cup and thought I'd stop by for a chat. Had an AMAZING great time in FL. It was so nice seeing Becky and everyone, I've missed them so much! We thought about you Mom, it was almost as if you were there. You'd be so proud of your family Mom! Got to see everyone except for Ryan's kids. He went to the beach with us...Bry fell in love with him of course. He LOVED hanging out with him. He even taught him how to catch the little skinks, lol. Boyd and Lisa's kids are just ADORABLE!! Cutest kids ever and oh so good!! Me and Becky went to a Rays game...woohooo!! We wanted to do something...just the 2 of us. It was either a snazzy seafood dinner or a BASEBALL GAME!! Oh yeah, ballgame hands down!! THAT was definitely a highlight, we had so much fun. Had a hot dog and chili cheese fries at the game and we needed nothing more, HAD A BLAST!! Rays lost, but we didn't care. Next time....HOCKEY =) Tay's MRI is on Monday Mom, I may even get results right after. We go to clinic for pentam afterwards, if DR C is in...he'll pull them up I'm sure. Just not sure I'M ready, UGH!! I know you're watching over her though, always and as you would say 'we will get thru whatever the news is'. I remember you saying those EXACT words to me before Mom. Well Mom, gonna sign out. I LOVE YOU and I miss you like crazy!!! Sooo wish you were here!! ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES******** Tammy

Good morning Mom! All settled in at Becky's and so enjoying ourselves! I've been awake since 5AM, Becky's gonna be surprised when she sees me up before her, lol. Little Mandy dog is snuggled up next to me on the chair, hehehe...she's gonna be surprised w/that too. Tay's been awake since around 5:30, slept a lot yesterday but she was laying in the pool all day yesterday and just coming off chemo makes her even more tired. Lisa and I are taking the kids to the beach today. Becky is gonna watch Baby Ellory and Taylor. Can't wait for Bry to see it, he's gonna love it!! He's been having so much fun, LOVES catching those cute little lizards. He'll catch a few, keep em and then let them go. Last night Dino had him making sausage and he just loved helping....was sooooo proud! You know the REALLY GOOD stuff he put in his spaghetti, the BIG JUMBO kielbasa style. He 100% makes his own. OMGosh....he fixed it for us the first night we were here...so so soooo good!! Just love his cooking! He's making clam spaghetti one night, can't wait to try that! You always enjoyed his cooking. One of your favorites was liver and onions. Sure miss you Mom! If you were still alive you'd either be down here with us or Becky and I would be calling you everyday and you would be so looking forward to that. You would just LOVE Lisa's kids Mom, they are absolutely gorgeous and so good mannered! Her and Boyd done good and you'd be proud! Dyl graduated and is the same hilarious awesome kid he's always been. Saw Ryan, he too looks great. Hope to see his kids while we are here. I've never seen Chasity before! Well Mom, gonna go for now. Becky should be coming down any minute now. I Love You and I Miss You!!!! (((((((HUGS))))))) *********KISSES**********

Just got into my wallet and what did I find, the list you wrote a few days before you died. It was a list of things you wanted me to bring up to the hospital for you. Toenail clippers, Mary Kay conditional cream and underwear, lol. A girls gotta have what a girls gotta have, lol. Totally not expecting to find that Mom, but what a sweet surprise....made me smile. The silly little things huh? So it brought me here. Figure you or maybe it was me, needed a little morning company. Gonna have another cup of coffee with you and go thru some of the messages I wrote you. Miss you like CRAZY you know, but so so sooo greatful we continue to have a 'connection'. I certainly couldn't make it without that. I think you knew/know that. Tis why you always visit me in my dreams and do the little things that make me smile and remind me you are still with me. Hey, that lilac I planted for you...well i'll be back with another. Darn people mowed it down. THIS time I am putting a fence around it, HA! I love you Mom! Tay is doing 'ok'. She'll have her MRI next month to check and see if things have started to settle down. Put in a good word would you please!!? Bry's last day of school is on the 6th! Can't wait....I'm so ready for summertime FUN! Jarrod is doing good. He comes home about once a week. He took me to Wrigley Field to watch the Chicago Cubs a couple weeks ago. My DREAM!! And it was AWESOME!! I'm sure you saw and were smiling ear to ear. Especially when I was tossed Chipper Jones ball....the icing on the cake! Well, gonna go browse around here a little Mom. I Love and miss you!!! ((((((((HUGS)))))))) ********KISSES********** Love, Tammy

Happy Mother's Day Mom!! Went to bed thinking of you, saw you in my dreams and woke up thinking about you! Miss you like crazy you know! Keeping things pretty simple today. Bry brought me an AMAZING picture of himself in a frame home from school. LOVE LOVE!! He also drew a picture of me and it made the newspaper, lol. He's such a awesome little boy Mom, you'd love him so much! He'd be spending many nights at your house I am sure....just like Jarrod and Taylor always did. We're gonna grill out today and hang by the pool, later a boat ride around the lake. Today will be Taylor's first pool and boat ride of the season. She's gonna LOVE it! I took your lilacs over and planted them on your birthday. I'll be by later today to check on them. Jarrod took me to a Cubbie game last week. BEST time EVER!!! Soo sooo much fun! Hope to go back sometime. Happy Mother's Day Mom! I hope today you can feel my love all around you! I sure feel yours! Thank you Mom, for all you do ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))) *********KISSES*********

Hey Mom! Another birthday come and gone! Made you a delicious pumpkin cake w/cream cheese frosting this year. You would have LOVED it! Bry bought you some really pretty flowers, we took them to the cemetery and ended up bringing them back home. I put them in a vase for him and they are sitting next to your shelf of love. Sooo cold at night, I didn't want them to freeze. I have your lilac all ready to plant. Beanie snagged a stream from hers...yayyyy!! She has a couple actually so I'll put one by you and one here, by me! God I miss you...still! Tay started back on chemo again, after that horrible MRI report, we had no choice. She did good with the 1st round but has been sick every since. Especially at night. I've been taking her for walks and she just loves it! We go 3 miles and she does great! She has another MRI inn June, if things are stable (for REAL this time) we will continue, if not she'll have to go on something else. I've asked for a CD of her scan. I just want to sit down and really go over things. I can compare previous scans w/the different chemos she's been on and maybe find something there...research, something! I'm counting on you to watch over her you know!! Hey, guess what?? We are going to FL in June, as soon as Bry gets out of school. Jarrod was able to get time off work, so he's going too. I miss Becky so much (and everyone) you know the last time I saw her was at your funeral! Hard to believe! We won't be able to stay long, Jarrod just took a vacation so, we'll only have a week or so, but oh well...better than nothing! Geesh, last time I was in FL I was pregnant w/Bryson...I can't wait!!! Well, gonna sign off for now Mom. I love and miss you! Not a single day goes by that I don't think about you! ((((((((HUGS)))))))) *********KISSES********** Love, Tammy

Morning Mom,some not so happy news at clinic yesterday. Seems her MRI was not stable after all. Furthest thing from stable actually. Several new lesions were found, several old ones have grown and all are enhanced. I sit here reading the report and I want to vomit! HOW could this be?? She isn't even having any symptoms! She's gaining weight...finally and her severe ear infections have been cured! They called...the day after her scan. I wasn't expecting results until yesterday and they called the day after her MRI and said with such enthusiasm ....STABLE, her scans are stable!! This is like a friggen nightmare, how can it go from the best news to the worst?? I'm gonna sit here and imagine what you'd say. You'd tell me she's not like other kids, she responds differently. You'd remind me how strong she is and you'd remind me how she's been down this road many times before. Then you'd wrap your arms around me, hug me tight and tell me everything will be ok. Little Taylor will be fine! She started temodar last night. Was pretty sick from about midnight to 3 ish, but now she is singing. That's our girl! Watch over her Mom! I love you, I miss you and I sooo wish you were here!!! (((((((((HUGS))))))))) *******KISSES******** ~ Tammy

So lilacs it is Mom, one for you and one for me! Our favorites! I'll put it right next to the left of your headstone...road side. Your flowers have popped up, I'll have to back and see if we have blooms. It's been sooo nice here. You would be loving it and I'd be giving you days off to enjoy your yard work. And than you'd give me a day off to enjoy the sunshine. What a great team we were! God I miss you!!! I love you Mom! I'll stop by the cemetery this weekend for some pics of your flowers. Tay has an MRI next week,send some of your sunshine our way. She's on a forward stretch...not ready for the step back yet! ((((((((HUGS))))))) ********KISSES**********

Had a dream about you last night, it was a different kind of dream. I was half asleep and half awake and YOU just kept playing/racing thru my mind. Soooo happy! Full of beauty and happiness. Next thing I knew we were at the cemetery playing wiffle ball...yes, even YOU!! You loved baseball...wiffle ball is the next best thing, lol. Then you saw Sandy playing....and she had a cigarette in her mouth. You ripped it out and stomped on it. Hahaha, that was great Mom. Thanks Mom, I needed those memories and the laughs. Wish I could have paused/froze the moment for a bit longer though. Waking up and knowing the reality of you not being here hurts every time! (((((((HUGS))))))) ********KISSES********

Morning Mom! Just sitting here having coffee from your mug, hehehe...you know, the one I snagged from your house! Weather here is AMAZING!! You'd for sure have all your yard work done by now! Gonna be up to 80 this week! Tay and I layed out by the pool this past weekend. She so loved it, smiled and giggled as she listened to her music. Her ear surgery went good. Took a little longer than he planned and he found a few surprises in there, but no surprise to me, she's always been full of surprises! Only thing Mom is she no longer pushes her CD player up to her left ear. One of 2 things....she's still sore or she could hear some from her left ear all along and now no longer can. Guess I'll have my answer in time as she heals completely. We went to the cemetery yesterday....took you some goodies that Bry picked out. Your flowers have popped up and will soon be sproutin' blooms! Miss you like crazy you know...every single day! Hey guess what, we are going to FL this summer. Haven't been there since I was pregnant with Bryson! He's soooo excited and I can't wait to show him around. He's gonna LOVE it! I love you Mom!! (((((((HUGS))))))))) ********KISSES*********

Hey there, wow...page has changed since I last visited. Been awhile I know!! Still, not a day goes by EVER that I don't think of you! I found a pic actually, yesterday. Made me smile. It was a close up of 1/2 me 1/2 you and in the middle Jarrod, lol. Cute! Well tomorrow is the day Mom, Tay goes in for the surgery I was hoping would never be. She'll lose her ear...permanently! Tumor and infections have won! Nothing more we can do but succombe....I know you'll be there though. Hold her hand and keep her safe! I love you Mom and I miss you...GOD how I miss you!!!! ((((((((HUGS))))))))) ********KISSES**********

MERRY CHRISTMAS Mom!! It was a nice Christmas morning, Bryson was/is so excited! He wanted a Nintendo 3DS and was all smiles when he found it under the tree this morning! Little Taylor is sick, she's been up most of the night coughing. She's in her recliner now, but has yet to open her presents. Jarrod is here....playing with Bryson's archery set, haha =) We miss you so much, but I know your happy and smiling down on us all! Shelley is coming down at the end of the week and I'm picking up Dev on Tuesday. Bry's birthday is also on Tuesday, can you believe he's going to be six years old??!!! I love you Mom!! MERRY CHRISTMAS with The King!!! How blessed!! (((((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES*******

I'm still here Mom, been awhile...over a month. Sorry!! I had a dream, but I think you all ready know that. I got up with Jarrod yesterday morning, than went back to bed for awhile cuz there was no school. In my dream the day rolled back to 12/18/08 and I was trying to figure out WHY?? I knew it wasn't REALLY Dec 18, 2008 and I was trying to figure out why I'd dream that it was (all this was happening IN my dream) and then I saw you....sitting at my table where my computer sits (my computer wasn't there though...that's just the chair you were sitting in) and I KNEW it couldn't be Dec 18, 2008 cuz you had already died than. You didn't say anything, but I was able to touch and hug you. Then I woke up and all day I kept wondering what the purpose of that dream was?? So I thought this morning I'd come here....and look back thru your old 'thoughts' I wrote to you and see what or if I wrote anything dated "Dec 18, 2008" and of course I did. The first sentence stood out and said this: "Hi Mom, sorry it's been so long. I know you always hated that...hated when your kids would let so much time lapse between calling you." I smiled so big when I saw that! So here I am and yes, it's been too long and I'm sorry! Sooo, lets talk =) I'm doing ok...REALLY!! Tay has her MRI on Friday, we see Dr C afterwards, he's gonna pull up the scan and we'll decide where to go from there. She has ear surgery again on the 28 of this month. Not too sure what's going on with that ear Mom. We can't keep the infection away and the polyp is back. He's going to remove it again and explore around a bit. I hope to have some answers w/everything going on by the end of the month. Bryson...he's a nut! I thank God every day for him and when I look at him, I always remember "YOU told me Mom, you told me he'd happen"! Even though he doesn't remember you, he knows you Mom and he loves you with all his heart! And I am so blessed for that! He shares that same connection that I have, the one that allows me and you to still feel a part of each other. I'm sure people think I'm nuts, but I KNOW you're there...here,I know you still exist! I feel you all around me and I see how happy you are! I tell ya, if I didn't have that I would have never made it thru losing you! Thanksgiving is next week, what used to be my favorite holiday has become my least favorite. Traditional Thanksgiving spent at your house surrounded by ALL the family was/is priceless and ohh how I miss that. NOTHING will compare or replace that glory! It's been a nice November weather wise Mom. You sure would have enjoyed it and I know you....you would have been right out in your yard finding something to do! God how I miss you Mom! I'm drinking coffee out of your cup now, so wish you were sitting next to me! I love you Mom!! Have enjoyed our morning chat! I won't go so long between visits....promise! Hey, for what its worth. I did go to the cemetery last week, Tay and I, on our way home from clinic. It was pouring rain, so we sat in the car for 30 minutes. She sang, talked and even complained a little. She misses you too, but I KNOW you visit her often! I LOVE YOU Mom!!! ((((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES********

Hey you, betcha were wondering what happened to me huh? I'm here Mom, always! Not a whole lot to report. Tay's bone scan came back clean....yayyyy!! However her ear is still struggling, as are her counts, so we are holding chemo for a month. See if we can get her a little stronger. She also has a MRI coming up, so put in a good word to God for me will ya please? Your Tigers aren't doing so well Mom, not good at all. I've been watching and texting back and fourth with Becky...all game long, it's like she's sitting on the couch right next to me. Probably good she's not though, she seems to get as upset over the game as much as I do. Tonight is game 5, I'm afraid it'll end there for the Tigers, but we still have football and hockey she loves those too, and by the time their season is over....baseball will start all over again!! Still a CUB fan I am Mom =)) Anyhow, I miss you like crazy! Been cooking around here like crazy, sure wish you were here so I could share! Made Chicken parmesan last night and had Bean down, then later I made some chocolate chip cookies and took her a plate of warm cookies...for the game =)) We talk about you alot. She really helps me thru Mom, she's taking care of us...like I know you asked her to. Well, gonna go for now. I LOVE YOU!!! (((((((HUGS)))))))) ******KISSES*******

Hey Mom, just a quick "Hi" and wanted to say thanks...saw you last night. I was almost asleep, but kind of awake. I saw you sleeping so peacefully in bed, breathing perfectly. Then you were surrounding me...I only saw your face, your smile. It was perfect and only lasted about a minute. Took my breath and made my heart race...then a tear came. STILL miss you Mom, but I'm glad you are happy and at peace. I WILL see you again =) I love you!!! ((((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES*******

Help me out here....trying to decide what to put at the cemetery, rose bush or lilac bush?? I love BOTH and so did you. Hmmm! Ohh, Morning Mom! I love and miss you! ((((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES*******

Morning Mom, kinda of a blahh day. Just got back from the dentist. Thought I'd stop in and have coffee w/you and talk a bit. Lots to do today....zero motivation. Rainy day out, would LOVE to just fall back in my bed!! Not much sleep last night. Tay's having some bleeding issues, that darn head of hers! Wish they'd get it healed up already! Bean came down and sat w/her so I could go to the dentist. Seems to be sleeping well now, so that's good! I have to take her in for blood counts. Was gonna do it today, but with the rain, I think I'll wait til tomorrow. Hate taking her out in this! Sooo, Bry tells me he wants to learn how to cook, lol. Last night we made....hmmmm, well not sure what you call it inside out cinnamon rolls maybe??? He wants to cook REAL food, like an egg he says, lol. So when he gets home from school today I'm gonna show him how to make homemade meatballs and homemade spaghetti sauce. Jarrod will be here and LOVES spaghetti!! The noodles....well that's gonna have to come from a box, lol. Bry's such a good kid Mom, funny and full of love! He continues to talk about you, takes good care of your 'shelves' and swaps out different pictures of you (he has one hung by your "Little Taylor") Well I better get moving here Mom, gotta get a run in and this house isn't gonna clean itself! I love and miss you!!! ((((((HUGS))))))) *****KISSES*******

I'm so sorry grandma that I couldn't stay in your house but ever since I lost my father it just wasn't the same. would you give my dad a hug for me. I love and miss you both!

Oh oh...I forgot to tell you something!!! A week or so ago I was thinking of you and your funeral...all the stuff we packed in there with you, so you wouldn't go alone. I was remembering the sweatshirt Jarrod sent w/you and I so longed to have it back. I know...selfish, you were always so proud to wear it and well...it was a 'material' and sentimental something I wanted back. Well...Chad brought over a bag of 'stuff' and in the bag were some pictures of you I'd never seen before. One being a picture of YOU wearing the sweatshirt I so longed for!! Mom, I am soooooo glad I BELIEVE and am able to receive your signs of 'LOVE'!! ((((((HUGS)))))) ********KISSES********

Well hi there! You were probably wondering where I was....or better yet, why I've been so quiet? Busy I guess w/Bry going to school. He likes it I guess, not big on the getting up part though. Kind of a lot has been going on here and Bry has been talking about you like CRAZY! I have you couch Mom...that and a few other things. The stand that Dad made, I have that and it is now your 'new shelf'. It sets right next to your other shelf and Bryson has it decorated so nicely! He was working on it last night and I didn't pay much attention to it, then this morning when I saw it...ohhh, it made me smile! Now you have more room on your other shelf so we can buy you more 'stuff' he says, lol. I also have all your pics that were hanging in your house. I'll hand them out to the family Mom. Your jewelry box...yup, I have that and your good China....ohh and your bowling ball...yours and Dad's. Jarrod snagged those right off the bat. I remember you telling him, YEARS ago, that he could have them. He must have remembered too, lol. My basketball...Jarrod even grabbed that, lol. So I took it out yesterday and shot some hoop w/Bry =) He got in your purse the other day. It started by him asking if you wore glasses. I told him 'sometimes, when she read or drove' and well he wanted to see them. I had them in your purse...where you always kept them. He took them out and tried em on,lol. He also found your cell phone and some tic tacs (which are now on your shelf by the way) I just love how he talks about you Mom. He asked about Dad too. I told him "Your Grampa liked to fish, snowmobile, plow snow, play cards and bowl". He smiled. I miss you Mom!! I LOVE YOU!! Tay goes for chemo today and we have to swing by ENT cuz she is having problems w/her ear again. Watch over her will you please? (((((((HUGS)))))) ********KISSES**********

So, I guess my last one didn't send or something. I guess I'll just re-write it. So, today I was walking around in our living room & I noticed that framed picture of you. I picked it up & sat down on the couch with it. I started thinking about you, & all the little memories I had with you. Most things I can't really remember because I was so little when you were around. I remember how you would pour me glasses of chocolate milk & that's all I would drink at your house. I remember waking up in the middle of the night crying just a couple months before you passed because I had this recurring dream that you died & I never got to see the rest of my family because no one had the little "reunions" like you did. I remember that chair you always sat in. (: I also remember how nice & friendly you always were to everyone. I love & miss you Grama Joan.

So, today I was walking around our living room & I noticed the framed picture we have of you. I picked it up & sat down on the couch with it. I started thinking about you. The things I remember most about you were just little things, since I was so little when you were around. I remember when you would pour me glasses of chocolate milk & that would be all I would drink at your house. I also remember that chair you always sat in. I remember spending the night at your house on holidays with everyone. I remember waking up in the middle of the night crying because I had that recurring dream of you dying, & never seeing the rest of my family again because no one ever had little "reunions" like you did. I remember how nice & friendly you were to everyone. I miss you & love you Grama Joan. <3

Me again, just got back from the cemetery. I wanted to visit at dark so I could check out your solar lights. Only 1 out of 4 work so I'll be fixing them...well getting you some new ones. Bry wanted to get out, I'm sure you heard him. He had something to tell you. Always Mom...he talks as freely to you there as I do here and I LOVE it! He said "I love you Grandma, you're beautiful" Then he took one of your hangy things...asked you if it was 'ok' and brought it home to fix up. He hooked it to your shelf, lol. Such a cool little dude he is! He talks way too much of Heaven and dying. I know I shouldn't discourage him, but it just at times makes me feel uncomfortable. He speaks of all the fun we are all gonna have and well....BRY, yes we will have fun, but not for MANY years!!! Tomorrow is Jarrod and Taylor's annual Labor Day weekend birthday bash. Wish you were here! Miss you so much Mom! (((((((HUGS)))))))) **********KISSES********** I Love You!!

Hello! Hope ya liked the wind chimes I brought ya....hung em over your headstone. Pulled the long grass/weeds some too. Looks much better Mom =) Getting a lot of stuff over there, guess i'll have to quit buying so much. I just love bringing you gifts is all. Your shelf here is full too! Bry likes to make and buy stuff for you too =) Sooo, Bean was over today and she told me you and Dad visited her in her dream last night...along w/her Mom and Dad. She said you all told her that there would be curves and bumps in the road but to go w/our hearts...exact words 'look with your heart' and Dad said ALL OF YOU! Ok ok...I get it and TRUST me, I am trying but it's easier said than done! Anyhow, pretty awesome. I've had those dreams before. Where I KNOW you are sending a message. For her it was a little 'creepy'...peaceful, but a little hmmmm. For me I LOVE EM!! So do come visit me ANYTIME! I don't car what kind of message you'r delivering, lol. Perhaps had I slept last night maybe you would have??? Hey, Bry starts school next week, can you believe it? I am sure I'll have a harder time than he will. What am I gonna do all day w/o him? Tay and I will have lots of snuggle time thats for sure!! Sharon was here today...cleaning. House is spotless...but w/Bry around it won't last long, hahahaha. Boy do I miss you Mom, but so greatfull for this website so i have a place to chat w/you like we always used to do. I LOVE YOU!!!! ((((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES********

Hey Mom, Evelyn came over this afternoon. Not sure if you remember her. Bean's friend...older lady, your age. Anyhow she called and wanted to visit. I can't even remember the last time she came over. Anyhow as soon as she was walking up the steps she reminded me of YOU and the entire time she was here! The way she looked, moved, spoke. The expressions on her face....every little thing was as if she were you. i even pictured her being you and well....WOW! I told her how she reminded me of you and it was as if I handed her a bag full of money. Tears came to her eyes and she gave me a big hug. She even brought Bryson cookies, talked freely to him and hugged and kissed him....just as you would have done. She asked about Taylor, but she was still in bed, so she didn't get to see her. She stayed for about an hour and I can't tell you how much I enjoyed it. As she was leaving our love of 'games' was brought up, so I invited her to come over when school starts and we can play. Thanks Mom....somehow I think this was a meant to happen kind of thing. I sent her off with hugs, a piece of lasagna and cookies. Even the look on her face....the expression she made when I asked her if she'd like some (lasagna) was all YOU!! I love you Mom!! (((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES*******

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=2233690771736 Morning Mom, your video is too long to upload....so had to 'share' it this way. Family/friends will just have to copy and paste. Sooo, I've been thinking, it may be time to get you another memorial shelf, the one I have is FULL!! Hate to replace it cuz, well ...it was YOUR shelf from your house, but...like I said it is FULL! Bry and I keep buying stuff =) I miss you ya know? I'll be back...to 'talk' more. Kids are all calling for lunch and I do have a house full today! I love you! ((((((((HUGS))))))) ********KISSES********

So I was floating in the pool with Tay today and she was singing me the most beautiful song of love, like she did you just before you died. Her song made me smile and I started thinking of what Bry told me the other day "Mom, I will never forget Grandma Joan because you keep your memories of her in my brain", sooo, here's a memory Bry. Someday soon you'll be big enough to log onto Gram's page and read all of this all by yourself! You were only 19.5 months old when Gram left, you sure loved her though. Every morning when she came over you'd here her car pull in and you'd toddle over to the window. You'd watch her get out of her car and you would clap your hands and say "Nama"...you couldn't say Grandma, so you called her "Nama",she'd see you and come to the window, big smile on her face and clap back at you "yayyyy" she'd say. Then she'd head for the door and you'd race over to greet her. She'd pick you up or bend down to you with a big hug and kiss. She usually always had a treat for you. M&M's, orange jello w/mandarine oranges, one of her famous soups....something good. Next she'd wander over to Little Taylor...that's what she called her "Little Taylor". She'd go over to her chair, bend down w/ a smile, give her a kiss on the cheek and tell her how pretty she was and how good she smelled. She loved her kids and Grandkids so much Bry, her family was her world! When she died it was like our world stopped. A part of each of us went with her that day. When we buried your Grandma all of her grand kids placed a little something in her casket with her. You left her a bag of M&M's, your Brother put her wrestling sweatshirt that said "Whaley's Grandma" next to her and your sister...well she had a hand made bracelet that said "Taylor" and I put it in your "Nama's" hand. Sooo, you see Bry even though she's not here with you...she is and she always will be. We will always be connected andn I PROMISE to continue putting my memories of her in your brain!! I love you Mom (((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES********

(((((Mom))))) Love and miss you! Thank you for surrounding us with your love today! I could feel you with us, Bry could too. He told me that you said you loved me and that he will never forget you cuz I keep my memories of you alive in his brain =) He's such a good kid Mom. Jarrod was here too, spent the afternoon in the pool with us, had cake and later went to the cemetery. He doesn't say much while he's there. I know losing you was hard on him and he still doesn't like talking about it. I did Tay's hair today...first time in over a year. If you were her you would have told her how pretty she was and how good she smelled, than you would have given her a kiss. Soo, I'll do all that for you Mom! THANK YOU again....I once again made it thru another year without you physically being here and I KNOW I'll see you again someday!! ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES********

Tomorrow...tomorrow marks both the happiest day of my life and the saddest! Hard to believe you've been gone for 4 years. Not a single day has gone by that I haven't thought about you! I miss you like CRAZY! We have 'stuff' for you. We'll bring it out to the cemetery tomorrow. Bry also picked out a little Grandma plaque and put it on your shelf. He has a flower for you too, we were going to bring it out last night but Tay had such a long day at clinic, I didn't want to wake her. So for now, your flower is in a vase sitting on your shelf of love. I love you Mom!! Here is a 'memory' I am leaving...it was the very first dream I had about you a little over a month after you left us. "You were so very happy...you could talk, no hoarse voice, no struggling for a breath. You could talk great...just like you always used to. Your voice was beautiful Mom,and your hair...it looked picture perfect, not a strand out of place. Your face was nice and full. Your skin was radiant...You looked great! You told me "Look how good I can talk" and I said "and you can eat too" and you said "yes, but can you believe how good I can talk?". You were so proud of how well you could talk. It was so nice to see you so happy...thank you Mom, I so needed that! I love you Mom, please continue to visit...it really warms my heart and makes me smile so to see you so very happy :o)" ((((((((HUGS))))))))) *********KISSES**********

Hey there, sure do miss you! I've been working for days (and nights) on your memorial slideshow. Finally got her done. The first half I really feel would be your words to us and the second half...ours to you! No Mother or Grandmother is loved more than you Mom. You were/are/always will be the perfection of what being a Mother/Grandmother is all about. And if I can be half of what you were/are ....I will be truly blessed! I tell ya, making this video has been extremely difficult, talk about cry...think thats all I've done all week! But worth it is...I'd do anything in the world for you....anything to show you just how much you are and always will be loved and I PROMISE my kids will always always know just how special and loved you were! Every step I take, every move I make, every single day, every time I pray....I'll be missing you! I love you Mom (((((((HUGS)))))))) ********KISSES***********

Soo, I was laying in bed last night, mind racing a million mph mostly about all bad/miserable thoughts that led me to tears. All of a sudden I glance at the clock and the minute hand turns to "18". From the day you died (on the 18th) whenever I see the number '18', particularily on a clock I've thought "Mom's here". Sooo, anyhow my thoughts went to the day Taylor was born August '18'. I knew right away something was wrong, just a motherly feeling. Actually I had a weird feeling BEFORE she was even born. She was c-section and was whisked right away to Big Rapids little ICU. Dale gave me a quick glance as he handed her over to the nurse, but not close enough to touch or kiss. I was drugged up and eventually taken to my room...w/o my baby. I could hear Sandy telling the nurse to take out the little baby bed thingy in my room that was meant for Tay. I was surrounded by family, even Becky flew up from FL when she found out Taylor was sick. Dr came into my room to give me an update on Taylor and told everyone to leave but Dale. I told him NO, my Mom is staying....I NEED her. You stayed right by my side and held my hand as he LOUDLY spoke the words of how sick Taylor was and they couldn't give her the kind of care she needed. They were transferring her to Devos Children's Hospital and had already made contact. At this point they had no idea, but the news was grim. YOU never left my side. Told me we would get thru this. You had spent time in the nursery w/ Taylor...she was beautiful, awake, alert and a STRONG little girl. I remember Sandy telling me the same thing, she'll be ok...she's STRONG and so alert. I wanted to see her but they wouldn't let me. I had just had a c-section and couldn't go to her and she was to sick and hooked up to monitors and couldn't come to me. So someone went out and bought a digital camera, took a picture and brought it to me. 'The Gift Of Love'. My very first picture and time I got a good look at my Sweet Tay. I made a video of you...this one is there, I timed it to the words of the song playing, "I've seen dreams that move the mountains,hope that doesn't ever end", as a reminder. She IS a miracle...even though her life isn't easy and no one knows how much time she has with us. SHE is a miracle!! I'll share your video w/family and friends on the 18th. Anyhow, I kept that picture in bed w/me and when it was time for her to leave...when NICU arrived Beanie made sure I got to see her, so after they loaded her up in the isolete they brought her to my room and for a few minutes I got to tell her goodbye. I wanted so badly to go with her but they wouldn't let me, so you and Beanie said that you would. There were some arguments about how Grandparents could only see the NICU baby's when a parent was present, but thank God they bent these rules and allowed the two of you to go. As broken as my heart was to kiss her goodbye and hand her to the NICU nurse I knew with the 'two Grandmas' going she'd be in good hands! Dale took Jarrod home and Sandy stayed with me, she even had her own bed and never once left my side! I remember how Devos keep calling asking for permission for all the tests they were doing on her. I remember you and Bean calling telling me as well and how PERFECT she was. Then the call from hell came in. It was Dr Axtell, he told me it appeared that the two Grandma's were giving me false hope, he explained that Taylor was REALLY sick with a very large tumor in her head and well....his version was grim! I cried so hard and you two were soooo mad at him! The next day I BEGGED my Dr to let me go early, I NEEDED to be with Taylor. He agreed, with a few ground rules. I needed to eat something and I had to be transported in a wheelchair. Walking was good, but he said it'd be too much for me too soon. So I scarfed down my lunch and was ready! The girls were helping me pack up and then just as I was ready to leave...waiting for my discharge papers, I threw-up in the sink. I was sooo scared. I was yelling at Sandy to hurry and get it down the drain before the nurse found out and wouldn't let me leave. It was gross and chunky and we were laughing...having a hard time getting rid of it,lol. Anyhow Sandy drove me down in Dave's transam....oh my,talk about trying to get in that thing after major surgery....blahh!! Anyhow we arrived at the hospital and you greeted me and took me to NICU where Tay was. You showed me how to 'scrub'. First all my jewelry had to come off, then a little scrub brush, for under my nails, with hot soapy water and I had to scrub from my elbows down. Also had to have a gown. As I was scrubbing you were preparing for what I was about to see, and then you led me to her. Yeah, I wasn't prepared...all those machines, the enclosed incubator, the vent, the tubes...I could barely find her in there. But you were calm,held me up and showed me how to 'touch' her. You slide your hand in the little sleeve and ever so gently stroked her, telling me she liked to be touched, so I tried. Amazing how these memories of so long ago stick w/me. I wanted to hold her so bad, but they wouldn't let me, not that day anyhow. It was only a couple days and she came off the vent and placed in an open isolete. I remember the nurse telling me I could bath her!! You helped me, I remember you telling me to hold her up so you could wash her little back. Everyone loves their back washed you said. You were such an amazing Mom and Grandma....always knew just what to do and say. I miss you so much Mom! Thanks for the memory!! I'll be back tomorrow to share another one. You left me w/so many you know!! ((((((((HUGS)))))))) *********KISSES*********

So here I am Mom...finding my way back here once again. Can't stop thinking about you. Was up 'til after 2A and back up at 7ish. Hard time of year you know and for some reason this year seems to be even harder. I'm making a video in love and memory of you! I must have watched/listened to it 100x today. Been sitting right here at my computer most of the day. I'd get up and try to get something down only to get lost in missing you and end up right back to your video again...watching, listening, crying and remembering. Thoughts race thru my mind. I remember when you first got sick...I knew Mom, I KNEW you had cancer and were gonna die. I knew before anyone else, even before the Dr dx'd you. Today Bryson saw thru my sadness and missing you and says to me "Mom, I would have tried to save your Mother, but she already died and is in Heaven now. I'm sorry Mom, I would try to save her if I could". WOW!! Where did that come from? Guess he knows/sees more than I realize. Left me wondering/thinking if I did everything I could have done? I knew weeks before you were officially dx'd with cancer, why did I wait so long to insist on that Catscan to confirm what my heart was telling me?? Ugh...soo hate these horrible thoughts everyone said would fade away and be replaced with only good ones! Went to the cemetery yesterday. Bry stepped and sat on you and said 'Grama doesn't care'. He helped me fix a few things up then we left with a kiss goodbye. Taylor's MRI of her brain and spine is Wednesday....I know you'll be there! I love and miss you Mom! ((((((HUGS)))))) ********KISSES*********

That time of year again Mom, will be 4 years in less than 2 weeks. WOW really...4 years. I sure don't miss you any less! I spent most of the morning going thru some of the old thoughts I wrote to you over the years. Some brought a smile, some drew a tear. Only things that gets me thru losing you are KNOWING I will see you again someday and this website, they really do go hand and hand. Every step I take, every move I make. Every single day, every time I pray I'll be missing you. Thinking of the day, when you went away, what a life to take, what a bond to break, I'll be missing you. But yet, no matter what...even death could never break our bond!! I love and miss you Mom ((((((((HUGS)))))) ********KISSES*********

Morning Mom! Few updates to pass along regarding Tay. She saw Dr C yesterday...all went 'ok'. He confirmed that she will always be in isolation while in clinic because of the type of bacteria she grew. It's resistant to antibiotics and you just never know. That was kind of hard to swallow, makes me feel 'unwelcome' being there. Everyone comes in her room w/gloves and gowns on...hard to take I guess. Her counts were good, however he is keeping her on neupogen. Next appointment was with Dr Scalf and her ear is not any better than it was at discharge. This wasn't what he was hoping for. He said polyps always disinigrate with antibiotics and hers was not, he can't even see past it. So, he is bringing her into the surgical room tomorrow morning to remove and biopsy her polyp and clean the entire ear/drum out. Always something...she just can't catch a break for very long at a time! God, I miss you Mom...this time of year is especially hard. I had to walk thru the heart center to get to her appointment and the flashbacks of when you were there came. Hard to believe it's been 4 years. Not a whole lot easier like everyone said it would be,but than again I'm not everyone. Our relationship was different then most. Had a dream about you the other night. You came for dinner, you even cooked it. Spaghetti!! You were standing at my stove, just as happy as can be. You were young...and BEAUTIFUL! Younger than me even....I'd say around 30 ish. Your hair was long, dark and wavy. Like it was in your highschool senior picture. I couldn't keep my hands off you and was talking a mile a minute. Sooo happy to see you again! Needed that dream! Funny how things like that happen when you need them the most. Just wish it was more than just a dream! I Love You!!!! (((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES********

Hey Mom, well we are HOME! She's doing better....acting herself, but still on antibiotics and neupogen. We go to clinic and ENT again on Tuesday. I'm sure he'll hold off her chemo,but at least she was able to beat on hellacious infection! Her CT scan looked better, BUT she will need surgery down the road. Probably shortly after her MRI in August. I tell ya those first few days she was sick sick...all she did was sleep!! It really hit her hard! Of course if that wasn't bad enough I got sick...hit me hard too and I'm nowhere NEAR the strong person like Tay is! My pain was so bad ...well lets just say worst physical pain I EVER had! I was taking so much tylenol, motrin and asprin I started vomiting, which made things even more blahhh! Got home yesterday afternoon, by the grace of God, and I cried in pain until I went to see Dr Sharp this morning. BUT, now I am feeling MUCH better...new meds that don't make me sick and strong antibiotics =)) Anyhow, once again I pulled through near disaster w/o you physically here. HATE not having you here, but you obviously guided me through or Id'a never made it out of this one! Dev's coming back up for a week =)) I'm meeting her Grama on Saturday morning....yayyy!! I love you!!!! Oh, one more thing. Because Bry was sooooooo good we now have a new family memeber. Her name is Sweetie (uhm, she's a Guinea Pig...talk to you later, bye, lol) ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES*********

My intentions were a nice bubble bath, but had to make a quick towel run at the nurses desk. Come back and guess who is in my nice bubble bath, lol. Yeah, that silly 5 year old you'd be so in love with if you were here. Yeah, we're still in the hospital, she's awake at the moment...has that finger of hers in her ear and made it bleed, UGH! Was a little pukey so zofran is on the way. Few more days of antibiotics before we do the scan to see how things are clearing up. One of the bacteria that grew was a resistant one, meaning it's a hard bug to get rid of, but I see improvement.... so take that nasty bug!! She had neupogen last night to help her immune system fight and her red cells stayed the same so another day put off w/o needing blood. Miss you Mom!! I love you (((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES*******

Didn't think I'd go to be without stopping in and saying goodnight to you now did ya... ;) We're in the hospital Mom and I know you'd agree that it is where she needs to be. She had a pretty nasty ear infection, luckily we got here when we did and got those IV antibiotics started, she's looking much better, although sleeping pretty much around the clock. Her counts are coming up too....so that is good as well. I think of you all the time you know...especially here, so close to where you died. Always hard when she's in the hospital,I think that is when I miss you the most. I just never had anything else to ever worry about or take care of but her. You made sure of that! She's sleeping now...so is Bry. This new hospital is REALLY nice, we have a big full size bed and a huge room...who could ask for more? Well, my little friends back to share the 'excitement' and 'luxery' with. They too would have loved it! I remember when the new hospital was in the making. They had the model of what it would look like on display over at Spectrum. I remember my very first thought was 'please God, let her still be here to enjoy it' and I wonder how many other parents had that very same thought about their child?? Sucks...!! Weathers been really HOT Mom....too hot for your liking but I am loving it! Sandy and the girls came up last night. She was supposed to come stay w/me but then we ended up here, so she came to the hospital instead. I got her a room at the hospitality house and then today they went to Grand Haven Beach....beautiful day for it. They stopped back in on their way home. She's gonna try and come to my house next week sometime. Gabi is still waiting on a surgery date, but she looked good! Well...better say goodnight here. I miss and love you Mom. Hard to believe we are coming on 4 years! (((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES*********

Morning Mom =) Been awake awhile, couldn't sleep. Tay had clinic and ENT yesterday. We didn't see Dr C at all, she had her vincristine and pentam. She's neutropenic again. Thought when we went off the hard stuff we'd leave the neutropenia behind....hmmm. Red cells are a little down too. All the darn bleeding from her ear isn't helpiing. About her ear Mom...it isn't good! She's gonna lose it Mom, I just know it. It's not like she hears much from that ear,but there's always 'hope', right? Hope that tumor will ease up just a little. Right now it is pushing so hard against her ear drum/canal...and oher stuff. We can't keep it open enough to get the meds in or let it dry out. I knew the infection was bad, but I wasn't prepared for what I was told. He put in a wick...which is a spongy piece that he slips in the canal, it then expands holding the canal open enough for the drops to slip thru. He said oral antibiotics don't tend to do a whole lot...it's the drops she needs. Well the little stink had the ear wick out before we even got home...so now what? Not only, but the one oral antibiotic that had a 'chance' at helping was out of stock...both at the pharmacy and warehouse?? UGH! What is it with pharmacies lately? I gotta call her shortly and see what he wants to do. Put the wick back in?? I dunno know about that girl. She did however gain almost a pound...so yayyyy! Of course she's been extra pukey with the ongoing feeds,but she gained..sooo?? Kinda hard to be too happy when the price she pays is so much discomfort. Hey, I saw Dr Droste yesterday. I was just coming into the lobby and there he was. Tay hasn't seen him but maybe once since you left us, so I bet it's been a couple years now. Anyhow I don't know who was more excited to see who...him or me =) We talked for a few,he he gave me a couple hugs and told me "I was special", lol. Checked Tay out, even peeked in her eye. I sooo remember hating him Mom (he was never your fav). All those exams he put Tay thru...of course he had to do it, but UGH! Then him being the 1st Dr to break the horrific news on her condition when she was 2 days old...ugh! But he sure has come a long way since then. You'd like him now too Mom. Walked over to ENT about an hour later and had to pass his office. He saw us and stepped out "2 times in one day, it's really good to see you again" =) So yeah, highlight of my day was running into good ol Dr D not once but twice =) Hey guess what.....Sandy and Gabi are coming up today! She has a couple days off work so they're coming up and spending the night! Gonna go tubing later....wooohooo!! Yes, Mom...we'll be careful! It's gonna be sooo HOT, she couln't have picked a better couple days to come up! I miss you Mom, so wish you were here to help me thru all of this, but I know you watch over with that smile of yours and say "just TRUST...every little thing will be ok, it'll all make sense someday"! I LOVE YOU Mom (((((((HUGS)))))))) ********KISSES***********

Hi Mom....been awhile huh? Having Dev here for 3 weeks kept me busy AND happy =) Sooo hated taking her home. Took us an hour to say our 'see ya laters'. She's hoping to come back up for another week in August. 1st week of August actually so only 2 weeks away =) Jarrod came home today. Grilled some burgers on the grill and went for a walk. LOVE having him home. He's actually moving back home in a couple weeks. Finishing up his schooling at Ferris so it'll be closer and CHEAPER for him...and wayyyy happy for me =) Kinda having a few blahh days. Reality SUCKS!! Miss you!! Always miss you, not a day goes by that I don't think of you! Called Debbie a couple hours ago, have been putting it off all day. I'm not very good at comforting and I knew she'd be having a hard time today. ONE year ago since Lee took the seat next to you up there. But surprisingly it wasn't as hard on her as she thought it'd be and she really appreciated me calling, so I am glad I did! That first year is brutal I tell ya! 2nd, 3rd and now the 4th is no picnic either but it's a 'different' kind of brutal. I still think about you EVERY SINGLE DAY, but at least I can think of you and smile instead of bursting into tears and wishing I was up there w/you. Hey, before I say goodnight just a reminder to keep watching over Tay. We're taking those 2 steps backward again, so talk to God will you please?? I love you!! ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES********

Morning Mom =) A 'happy' moment I wanted to share. Jarrod came home for a couple days and he took Dev and Bry to the lake on Monday. Bry found some shells and was sooo proud of them. Well this morning I found your shelf all decorated with his shells and I asked him 'did you give these to Grandma Bry?' "Yes I did" =)) Awww...sweet and made me smile! Miss you like Crazy Mom! Dev and I are having a great time, I am getting a tad warn...haha, good for me though, right? I am taking her to MI adventure tomorrow,that should be a good time and a kid free day. Tay had Dr C yesterday...did pretty good, although her weight is just not budging. He thinks she is maxed out at what her body can tolerate calorie wise....her gut just can't work any harder, which wasn't words I wanted to hear, but you know me, I'll keep trying! Sharon is here cleaning so I better get moving. I LOVE YOU! ((((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES*******

Losing you wouldn't be so hard to take,if Heaven wasn't so far away! God I miss you Mom! Sorry it's been awhile since I've talked to you. I talk to you in my mind though and not a day has EVER gone by where I don't think of you! I'll be back....I LOVE AND MISS YOU!!! ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES*******

Four years ago today (WOW, has it really been 4 years?) ...Jarrod's open house, you were in the ER and dx'd with a sinus infection. How WRONG they were! HELL began that day!!!! Two months later you were gone.... I Love and Miss You Mom!!!! ((((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES******

Morning Mom, kids are still sleeping so thought I'd stop in and have coffee with you =) I've been waking up so dang early! Usually before 6 every single morning!! UGH! I lay there though, once I'm up and Bry doesn't 'feel' me next to him he's up. Silly boy!! Tay had clinic yesterday...everything is about the same w/her. No better, but no worse. She's due for another MRI next month. She's been so loving her pool, but it really wears her out. Anything she does wears her out (other then laying around bed or sitting in her chair all day) I just hate to see her do nothing, so I've been trying to get her out a little more. Bry's all done with school, he had a big cookout fun day on his last day. I got to go and it was awesome...completely surrounded by a herd of giggly 5 year olds =)) I'm doing ok Mom, with summer being here, it helps! Girls will be coming up soon so I'll be getting out a little more too. I think this is their last week of school. Hey Sharon was here last week. She cleaned for me! I love having her here...we always talk about YOU!! She's gonna be coming and helping me out once a month..or more, she reminded me if I needed anything at all to please call her. I fixed lunch for her and sent her home w/a loaf of chocolate chip banana bread. Well, gonna just sit here for a few Mom! I love and miss you sooo much!!! Hey, I think it's Dave's birthday today?? (((((((HUGS))))))) ******KISSES*********

Wow, has it really been 2 weeks since we've 'talked', sooo sorry! Kids are both sleeping still....give me a little 'me time', so here I am w/coffee in hand =) 1st holiday weekend of the summer is here, not doing much except for being lazy all weekend, which you know me....my kind of weekend! Jarrod's coming over later w/Ellory, gonna have a fish fry. Bry and I have started our fishing and well...we have enough for a fish fry. God how YOU loved those! I'm gonna fix a big ol pan of x-tra cheesy potatoes (per Jarrod's request), french bread and a BIG, chocolately sheet cake to go with. Hahaha, I'll be increasing my runs to burn off the x-tra calories ;) Hey, Bean stopped by the cemetery yesterday, some of your stuff was all messed up. I soo hate how people mess with/steal/break things at a grave site....come on now, pretty pathetic. Anyhow, the kids and I will be over to replace/fix whatever needs done. I had it looking so nice too! Well, I think I hear movement in the back...wonder what kid it is?? Tay's been in bed for over 48 hours now, her little butt is getting in the pool today!! I love you Mom!!! ((((((((HUGS)))))))) *******KISSES********

Brought you out some new solar lights this evening. Hope you like em =) Bry helped set them up. He just loves going to the cemetery. One of your decorations got broke....I am assuming by the lawn mower guy. No biggie....I'll bring out some super glue next time I come and fix it. Love you Mom (((((((HUGS)))))) *****KISSES******

Whew....never thought I could be video game wore out, but wow can Bry out-do me, lol. Drove thru the cemetery yesterday Mom, I didn't get out...just a drive-thru. I have to say you have the most beautiful flowers there! Had icecream for dinner w/Bry tonight....it's ok Mom, we had pizza for dessert =) Anyhow we were at DQ and he brought up Heaven and a couple of his little friends, who are now up there with you. He remembered how a year ago we had icecream at the DQ w/Max, then sadly said 'he died'. I said, I know buddy, I am sorry! Then he mentioned another little boy,Brendan. I said 'you remember Brendan honey'? Bry has only seen Brendan thru pictures. And his eyes got big and said 'he was in a wheelchair and didn't have hair like Max'. He pondered for a few seconds and said "God is the KING of Dr's, he makes everyone in Heaven all better". He goes on to say "I know what Heaven looks like, it has oceans and lots and lots of butterflies, everything in Heaven is fun and nice"! He left me a little breathless, but it drew a smile and a tear. He's something I tell ya Mom, you'd be so proud! Well I just wanted to stop in and share that sweet little icecream conversation I had with my little guy. Love and miss you!! ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES*******

Hi Mom, well Dr Cornelius recommended Bryson have an ultrasound of his abdomen so we had that this morning....ugh, on Friday the '13th' of all days! He did good though, I fasted right along w/him and he was a little scared, he's been to the Dr so much lately and has had so many 'pokes'. I hope to get results next week sometime. Tay had a good night last night,no pukes! I took the kids for a walk around the lake...it's finally getting nice here! Well, gonna go fix Bry a crabby patty for lunch, lol. I Love you Mom ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES*******

Happy Mother's Day Mom! Just got back from the cemetery. Took you a dozen roses and some cute little spring things for your garden. I took a few pictures and shared them with the girls. Jarrod found a plaque and set it in your flower pot...very nice! He had a hard time going there today, but he did it! It's a beautiful day out Mom, you'd LOVE it and right about now would be getting ready to head over for Mother's Day dinner! I also bought you a plaque, but I put it here, on your memory shelf. Hey, guess what? I was going thru some old pictures....just randomly out of the blue came across them. Probably a few hundred of them and the first one, laying right on top was one of YOU and ME....sitting here, on the couch! Thank you Mom!!!! I LOVE and MISS YOU!! (((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES*******

Happy HAPPY Mother's Day Mom! So much for me not cooking, lol. Bean's coming over and maybe Michelle, oh and Jarrod too of course. I have some good steaks for the grill, baked potatoes and I'm gonna try to make a homemade french/garlic/cheesy bread. Strawberry shortcake for dessert. Sure wish you were here! Remember how a few days before MD we'd always go to Red Lobster...just us girls, for a Happy Mother's Day to us sort of thing =) Haven't been able to to that since Mom. Hard enough celebrating w/o you, let celebrating at your favorite restaurant! It's a really nice day out today, I'm sitting here watching the Cubs or else I'd probably be outside laying in the sun. Sharon came over the other day. She helped me clean....soooo needed it and her! I'm kind of in a rut I guess, hard for me to focus on much. Hoping the warm weather pulls me out of that. I take Tay to Dr C on Tuesday, sure hope she's gained a little weight but I'm not thinking so, I had to shut her pump off and slow it down a few times, she just gets so gaggy! Well Mom, I'll be back tomorrow...also planning on going to the cemetery. I have tulip bulbs to plant for you =) I love and miss you!!!! ((((((((HUGS)))))))))) *******KISSES**********

Took Bry to the Immuno Docs Mom. Have to say it was a little unsettling....going there. The office is in the old Heme/Onc (Dr C), where we first started out with Tay. I had a 'feeling' when I saw the addy and sure enough! I walked in and the 'memories' took over. I remember walking in with Taylor for the first time when she was 3 weeks old. You were with me. As soon as we walked in Dr Axtell passed by us. I remember feeling 'anger' with a little bit of hate even...for he was the Dr who told us, right after she was born, 'she isn't going to make it' and 'don't hold onto hope'. I remember seeing all the sick kids hooked up to IV's and thinking 'what in the world are we doing here?? Taylor isn't THAT sick! All those memories slammed me and here I was walking in the same office with Bryson...made me nauseous! Anyhow the appointment...didn't find anything out. He had a fever when they took his temp and they drew a good 5 vials of blood. He'll call 1st of next week with results. Even the lab was the same one we used to take Tay to. I remember when she got her 1st draw there...they used a razor/blade and sliced the bottom of her foot and squeezed the blood in a tube. She cried like crazy and I told them they were never gonna do it that way again! Today for Bry I took freezy spray and he did GREAT!! We went to toys r us and chuck E cheese afterwards! We both had fun, both places were empty so we had everything to ourselves =)Bry picked out some cool stuff (dinosaurs) and a Wii game (Mario Kart) I found a CD player kinda sorta similar to Tay's old ones and picked one up for her. I had to open her last fisher price one last night and they don't make them anymore, so when this one goes =( Well Mom,gonna go. Making cookies for Bry and I to eat while we watch the Cubbies!! Love you and miss you!!! (((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES******

Getting ready to watch Yogi Bear in bed with Bry and Tay....he's wrapping up his Wii game so thought I'd stop by for a few. LOUSY weekend!! Glad it's over! In the dog house with a few people, but oh well! Mother's Day is next weekend, not sure what we're doing.I'm not cooking, I know that...Bean is one who's a lot upset with me, soooo....! I'll for sure be coming to the cemetery, sweet and simple, that's more me anyhow. Haven't been there since last fall so REALLY looking foward to it. I know Bry's gonna want to bring you flowers, he soooo loves doing that ya know =) He goes to Devos on Tuesday for his appointment with the immuno docs, then I'm taking him on a Toys R Us shopping spree afterwards and he wants to take me on a lunch date =) He's so 'romantic' and only 5,lol. Just wait til he gets all 'growed' up....he'll make someone REALLY happy that's for sure =)Tay's doing about the same. I had her feeds up just a little but have since had to slow em back down again. One night I had to shut them off all together, she was just way too gaggy! Well some news about Jarrod. He told me Easter weekend he was changing his degree. He went from Medical Science to Criminal Justice....how completely on the opposite can he get? He wants to be a cop! UGH, this does not make me happy, don't think many mom's would want to see their son be a cop, but you know....what can I say? Gotta show my support. Ewwww....Bry just made me taste his cheese dipped in ketchup, lol. Guess I deserved it, I made him try dill pickles dunked in orange juice =) Well gonna go, I Love You!! ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES********

Had a dream about you last night....actually I had 2 =) First one we went bathing suit and short shopping LOL, you were finding EVERYTHING, me on the other hand couldn't find a thing. You kept pointing things out...'how bout this one', lol. It was funny and we had such a good time. We closed the store up and still all I found was one pair of shorts, where you had so much stuff you couldn't carry it all. The other dream I'm not sure where we were, someone's house. You had been cured...COMPLETELY! As sick as you were, in my dream you were cured. Dr's were AMAZED! I kept asking you 'are you sure you can breath ok Mom' and you'd take a deep breath and say 'yes'. You could eat and you were soooo busy. I kept following you around. I'd look at your scans and NO CANCER...anywhere! It was awesome, both dreams were! I needed them Mom, so thank you! Tay had a good night, no pukes until right when she woke up this morning and then a few more since. Robin is here giving her a little physical therapy, it's been so long since she's had any. I'm a little protective of her so any chance of stress or germs I avoid! She was a little upset a few minutes ago and it was all I could do to sit here and not go out there and snag her up, but she's laughing now =) Bry goes to the immuno docs on Tuesday. I talked to his teacher yesterday, he's still having issues with school and not wanting to go. She talked to him and he told her 'he misses his Mommy too much', she's also noticed him being withdrawn and just not acting his self. Also noted how pale he looked to her. Gram Bean said the same thing today when she picked him up from school...'he looks awefully pale'. So I am glad the doc appointment is coming up. When he's home he acts pretty normal, still has meltdowns over every little thing but he's not withdrawn...hmmm, he has a lot going on so this shouldn't surprise me. Hey, I just made some ham salad...I remember how you always used to make it. NO CLUE what I was doing, but it didn't turn out too bad. Made some cheesy seafood soup yesterday...not sure if I'd call it 'soup', it's pretty thick =) Gonna send some of that and the ham salad home w/Gram Bean, along with all the cookies and half a pie I have left...UGH, all this darn food, lol. Well Mom gonna go for now, gotta get Tay's chemo going. I Love and Miss You!!! ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES*******

Dr C today.....lots going on up there, so we're going to add in weekly interferon to try and calm things down a bit. She starts temodar tonight and had vincristine in clinic so he wants to wait 2 weeks. We go back to clinic on May 10 and if counts are good we can start it then. She did gain almost a pound so my 'tweaking' worked =) Bry goes to the immuno docs next Tuesday...he went to school today but told me he missed me and cried for me ...poor little guy, we're snuggling now watching spongebob. I've told him about the 'new doctor' he has to see next week but promised him a trip to toys r us afterwards and a special lunch date =) I love you Mom...sure do miss you. I know how much help you'd be if you were here..., but perhaps you're more help from up above....God I hope so, please watch over them! ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES******

Happy Easter Mom! Way WAY too many cheesy potatoes....wish you could fly down and have dinner with us. I Love and Miss You like CRAZY!! (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES******

Happy Easter Momt! I have some tulips for you....well Bryson does =) We'll enjoy them here and then when they die I'll replant the bulbs at your grave...if my green thumb works they'll come up again next spring =) I'm having Easter dinner tomorrow. Jarrod's coming home and Gram B and Papa are coming over. Gonna fix a ham, cheesy potatoes, rolls, TRY to make those egg thingy with the colored Easter eggs and a cherry pie =) Have the kids Easter baskets all made up, my gosh I over-do it every year! I have enough candy for a dozen kids, lol. Bought Bry an interactive dinosaur....Creature, he's been wanting it for a long time so I can't wait to see his face tomorrow! Found Tay the cool pool lounger, also got her some salon shampoo, perfume, lotion, cute little shirt, batteries, sunblock and a few other little things. Jarrod got a gift card and some smell good. Along with way way too much candy for all of them! Jarrod's coming over early to rake on the lawn. I can only imagine what your lawn must look like. You were always so particular about it, I am sure it looks like hell now though Mom, lol. Bry is sick AGAIN!! These constant fevers REALLY have me worried! He can't go 2 weeks without a fever. He goes to the immuno docs on May 2nd. I sure hope they can find an simple answer!! I Love You Mom...I'll be back tomorrow I am sure ((((((HUGS))))))) ******KISSES*******

Hi Mom! With it being Easter weekend I wanted to share some of my most memorable dreams I've had about you. I'm not sure if the family even visits this page anymore, hopefully they do!! These were not ordinary dreams... this was YOU coming to me letting me know YOU live on! A little ("BIG") something to believe in. Kinda long, 3 of them I'll never forget! 9/22/07 Strangely enough Mom I had a dream about you last night. You were so very happy...you could talk, no hoarse voice, no struggling for a breath. You could talk great...just like you always used to. Your voice was beautiful Mom,and your hair...it looked picture perfect, not a strand out of place. Your face was nice and full. Your skin was radiant...You looked great! You told me "Look how good I can talk" and I said "and you can eat too" and you said "yes, but can you believe how good I can talk?". You were so proud of how well you could talk. It was so nice to see you so happy...thank you Mom, I so needed that! I love you Mom, please continue to visit...it really warms my heart and makes me smile so to see you so very happy :o) I love you Mom! (((((((Hugs))))))) ******Kisses******** 10/26/07 I had a dream about you last night Mom. I have so badly been wanting a hug...to see you and know you are ok. In my dream I was at your house and there you were...standing by the chair, in the dining room, that you always sat in. I saw you and said "Oh Mom" and ran to you with open arms. We hugged each other, oh it felt so good...just to hold you in my arms. You felt so alive and real...it was a WONDERFUL feeling! I asked you if you were ok. You said yes, I asked you if you were mad at me about everything that happened when you got sick. Things happened so fast and I felt so helpless...and was mad at myself for not being able to help you get better. You told me you were not mad at me. I asked you if you were in any pain when you died and you said "no, just a little sore throat maybe". I asked you if you could breath ok when you were lying in the hospital bed...dying. You said "yes". You could talk so well, I loved hearing your voice, the way it sounded before you got sick. I told you how your passing on Tay's birthday...I know you will watch over her. Then you smiled and I woke up. I wasn't ready to wake up...I wanted to stay there with you. The embrace and talk was much too short but at least I recieved something that felt so very real! Thank you Mom!! I love and miss you so very much Mom! Bryson is still not feeling well. I took him to the Dr yesterday and they couldn't find anything wrong with him. They even did a chest x-ray. Today I have to take a urine sample in. He runs a high fever thru the night...about 104. Then thru the day it is either gone or low grade. He did wake up with a temp of 102.5. He has to go back again on Monday for a recheck on things. Tay is doing wonderful! Her MRI is scheduled for Monday Dec 3rd. I know it will be good...she's doing much better now. Jarrod continues to do well in college. He's coming home this weekend to spend some time with us. I'll take him over to your house so I can fix up the flowers like Debbie asked me too. I LOVE YOU MOM!! I MISS YOU SO VERY MUCH!! ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES***** 11/06/07 What I wanted for my birthday was another hug from you...and I got it!! Last night I drempt about you again. Debbie was there too, we were in your bedroom and your robe in your closet...we saw it and we said "Mom?" and there you were sitting on the edge of your bed. We both ran to you and wrapped our arms around you with such force it knocked us all over on your bed! It was great! You looked good and so happy, your voice was perfect! We felt your face and hands, they felt so real! Us and our questions though, Debbie asked you if you found Dad up there... and you said 'oh yeah'...sarcastically, but in a very happy way. Then I could feel Dad's presence but I couldn't see him.I got the impression that Dad was really living it up and very happy! You also said 'you won't believe this place'. We tried to ask you more specific questions about what it was like but it was almost as if you couldn't tell us anymore than that. It was something we had to wait until our time to see and know more about. I asked you more questions about when you died "were you in any pain" and again you said 'no'. I asked you if you were scared when you died and you said 'no'. Then I woke up. It was a very nice dream and I so needed that hug!! I love you very much Mom and I miss you so much! Oh, I forgot to tell you yesterday, the kids are fine! All healthy and doing great! I know they miss you though. ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES**** PS. One more thing Mom, the weather here is HORRIBLE! We have a winter weather advisory and a high wind advisory out. All I can say is...your poor lawn. I am sure it will knock the rest of the leaves out of the trees and limbs will be everywhere, especially where the willow trees are. You hated the high wind! You weren't to fond of winter weather either... (((((((HUGS))))))) ******KISSES********

Morning Mom, thought I'd better stop by after yesterday's blahhs! I dunno Mom, her side effects from her tumor are still there and she's at the end of the road map, so stable...well I was looking for so much more then that. If the chemo was holding it's own what's gonna happen now? I've heard stable for so long now and somehow things get worse thru it. I'll just have to wait til Tuesday to go over scans and talk with Dr C about the next 'plan'. Probably why he didn't call personally, but still....Anyhow, gonna get out for a few hours today for some Easter shopping while Bryson is in schoool. Bry's been wanting this really cool dino toy so I'm gonna pick that up. I'm sure I'll never hear the end of it from Gram B, but oh well...!! Bry's been wanting to get flowers for you, still haven't done that, so I'm gonna surprise him with those too =) I'm having Easter dinner on Sunday, Jarrod is coming home so they'll go perfect with that. We'll got get busy here Mom, I Love You!! ((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES*********

Well I'm in a pissy, depressed, blahhh mood so here I am! Tay's MRI, ya know WHY couldn't Dr C have taken the time to call me and go over it with me? He knows how I am with these things. I mean 'stable'....what the hell??? They like to sugar coat things....Last time I heard 'stable' was a year ago and we ended up in the hospital having surgery on a tumor no one bothered to tell me she even had! She almost died!! Anyhow, just needed to blow off some steam! On top of that life sucks, God hates me and yes, bad bad day! I Love You =) Gonna unwind a bit with Cubbie game 2, thet're in 1st place....yayyyy!! (((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES********

Hey there, thanks for the 'visit' in the wee hours of very little sleep I got last night. Can't remember anything about your visit....just your beautiful smile and happy face. Probably how it was intended, your way of letting me know you are with me. Had a good day today...not so good evening. Think I'll go hibernate for the week! Just wanted to stop by and say thanks and I love and miss you! I'll be back later in the week, just a bad night, soo..... (((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES*******

Helloooo, you still awake up there =) Just me stopping in for a good night. I'll be up for a while longer. I washed my bedding, got the sheets on but forgot to start the dryer when I tossed the quilt in (Yes, I know what you're thinking....'she hasn't changed one bit', lol) Quilts done, comforter is in now....so another hour maybe. I'm addicted to both plus i loaded them with Mr Clean febreeze so they'll not only come out warm and toasty but ohhh so smell goood!! Maybe, just maybe it'll help me sleep better =) Sweetness is watching Barney (surprise surprise), she's feeling better and Bry is flicking from one show to another. Yes, night owls, hoping we can sleep in a little tomorrow and I'll fix Bry a nice tasty breakfast seeing how this morning he had pb and j (he asked for it Mom, lol) I'm thinking bacon, eggs and hashbrowns! Starving....stomachs been upset from the nasty chili I made last night, no matter how much 'tweaking' I did it turned out like poop! Chili making has never been my thing. I found a really YUM recipe for sesame chicken,sooo wish you were here so I could feed you =) I KNOW I can make that one turn out, I have a BIG load of cookies to make first though =) Well talk to you later Mom....Love and miss you! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES****

Goooood Morning Mom, just stopping in for coffee =) Even drinking from the cup I snagged from your house. Would have been here earlier this morning....but, did you know your little Grandson is not only a bed hog but he wraps himself around ya sooo tight, yeah I've been trying to pry myself away for hours =)Went to bed around mid-night and slept pretty good til about 5ish or just before, then my mind went crazy on me. Taylor had a better night, still running a low grade temp, but I think we're gonna be ok. I have her on an antibiotic so hopefully it does the trick. I'm going to start another one today....just to be sure. Dietician just called about Tay, she said to keep doing what I'm doing along with a few 'x-tras' she's working on and going to call me back with. Your birthday dinner and cake were awesome by the way. Burgers, (chili) hotdogs, chips, watermelon and Bry's chocolate sheet cake. When Jarrod came over he said 'that's crazy it's Grandma's birthday'. I asked him why and he said cuz he had a dream about you. So thanks....yes I wish you'd visit ME more often in your dreams but I'm glad you stopped by to see him! Well Mom, better get going here. I love you and I miss you like crazy!!! (((((((HUGS)))))))) *******KISSES******* PS. Remember, MRI on Monday! You know how I am with these things. If you could stop by God's chambers...make sure he's listening to all my prayers =)

Night from....BLAHH, I'll get to that in a minute, first is this...!!!!Happy Birthday Mom!!!! Jarrod's coming over for dinner, so is Bean...we're gonna grill burgers and hot dogs and I wasn't planning on fixing a cake (don't need the calories) so I didn't buy a cake mix. Well that all changed...not the calorie needing, but the idea of making a cake, lol. I've always made a cake for you...can't stop now! Soo, gonna make a Texas chocolate sheet cake....I always have the fixings for that. I can send the rest home with Jarrod so I don't eat it =) Now about last night. Well the 'plan' blew up in my face....she was gaggy ALL night!! Didn't tolerate her feed at all. She puked I bet every 20 minutes. Then around 5 ish was completely surrounded in blood from the sore on the top of her head. This was worse then I've ever seen! Got her up to assess and into the bath. She was alert and breathing was fine so No 911 (Thank God)But holy WOW was she a bloody mess! She had blood clots in her hair even...completely saturated...she was that messy! Took me awhile to get all the blood out, but I did and got the bleeding to stop. I put some antibiotic cream on her head and took it upon myself to start her on an oral antibiotic because she is very neutropenic, so the risk of infection is concerning! I'll call clinic at 9 to see if they want me to do anything else. They may want labs drawn again. I also took it upon myself to get some weight on her...to heck w/anyone calling me back, I am out of wasted time and pissed, so I mixed up a batch of apple juice, peanut butter and karo syrup....ran it thru the blender and she is hooked up to it now. She tolerates clear liquids real good so hopefully the 'x-tra' stuff I added works and doesn't make her gaggy. IF it does work that'll be 500 calories!!!! It'll take 6 hours to run, but she was normally gettiing 0 calories during that six hour time slot because I was running a straight water flush (advised from Dr C and her nutritionist) I was awake all night 'thinking' and praying and that's what I came up with!! She's sleeping in the recliner now...all bundled up, looks so peaceful! I love her Mom...need you to see her thru all this! Her MRI is coming up and I need you there too! I Love You!!! Happy Birthday (((((((HUGS))))))) and ******KISSES******

Happy Birthday a day early! I'll be back tomorrow, just needed to 'talk' so here I am. Clinic started out a lot crappy! I'm so concerned about Tay's weight. Of course Dr C wasn't there today so at first they weren't going to acknowledge it at all, just hook me up with him in 2 weeks. Well she's friggen 34 lbs! She's smaller then she was when you died almost 4 years ago! I did get to talk to the NP before we left and together we came up with a 'plan' along w/a call in to her nutritionist who I should hear from tomorrow. I just hooked her up to 'the plan' and so far she's been gaggy once...ICK! This will run almost 18 hours 500 ml then I'll have to run clear fluids thru her like crazy to keep her hydrated....UGH, stressful! Her MRI is on Monday,she's had a couple choking episodes over the last week and the last couple days I've noticed her balance is off. She fell over after her bath last night (yes, I caught her) and today at clinic she fell over on the weigh in scale. She's also throwing herself to the side. Did this on the way home. Soo, UGH! MRI time couldn't come soon enough, bad thing is I won't get results immediately after...Dr C isn't in clinic and all the other Docs, well her scans are way abnormal...they look at them and shake their head....no clue what they are even looking at! Stress and sleepless nights I am sure will take hold of me once again, oh well kinda used to it. Hey guess what? Ice is off the lake....FINALLY! Now for the much warmer weather! Bry is itching to bring you flowers to the cemetery, I don't know why he likes that place so much but he does! I hate it there! Sorry Mom, I just do. I feel you HERE, not there. Well gonna go for now, Cubbies are on soon. Hey your Tigers won today. They haven't had to good of a start, but then again we are barely in our 2nd week with roughly 152 games to go, soooo no worries. Jarrod's coming home for dinner tomorrow, funny thing...he mentioned the ticket (MLB)him and his roomate want to get and well, reading between the lines I'll give him his 1/2 cuz EVERYONE needs 'the ticket' =)) I love you Mom ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES********

Really worried about Tay's weight Mom. No one 'gets it', or realizes/understands how bad it really is. She's sooo thin, help her Mom....she can't go on like this. I love you!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES******

Hey hey Mom...it's been what a week? YIKES! As you know I have the girls and they sure have been keeping me busy. Just some simple goof off kind of fun! Gotta return them both today though ;( Gonna miss em!!! Bry's blood work came back good so could you personally thank God for me??? HUGE stress/worry off my shoulders! He still has to go see the immuno docs next month but the good blood work was a HUGE step in the right direction! Tay...she is soooo thin Mom! Really need some help with weight gain. Nothing I do seems to help! She had a bad night of nausea night before last so I had to slow her feed down again. Her MRI is on the 18th...UGH, I so hate the dreaded MRI time. Mind games will be kicking in I am sure. Well gonna keep this short. I'm gonna fix these kids a BIG breakfast....chocolate chip pancakes, bacon, eggs, fruit fest...oh and add a hotdog for Bry to that ...such a crazy boy! I Love You!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSESS******

Good morning! Was gonna swing by last night...was up til after 3A ! Couldn't sleep and had a burst of energy so I cleaned house and did laundry. Got to Bry's bathroom and well, right after you died I wrote "Grama Joan" on the bathtub wall. It's been there every since. I just always washed around it,gross I know, but...just a little part of your for Bry to remember, anyhow last night I re-did it, hard but something that needed to be done. Looks beter =) I took a couple naps yesterday so I think that ruined my sleep. Plus, my nerves are shot...still no news on Bry's labs. Been keeping myself busy, trying to 'mask' my stress with 'playing'. Think the week caught up to me though, cuz I was sicker then a dog yesterday, yes...you'd be one of the first to say "I told you so" =) Debbie is bringing the girls up today. We've got nothing big planned for the week....just hanging out here having fun! Can't wait...being surrounded by kids is JUST what I need!! I love you Mom!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Hey hey just me again =) Bored, freezing and wide awake! Ok, not so much the last part....I sooo wish I could sleep, ohh say 18 hours straight! Tay may be slam dunking this round of chemo, but holy wow is it taking it's toll on me! I have the girls coming up..and we know how they like to play! I gotta be in shape enough to out last em =)) Seriously can't wait for them to get here. Give me one good night sleep and I'll be ready to 'play' all spring break week long!! Took Bry for his 3rd blood draw yesterday. Won't have any results til Friday at the earliest....UGH! Went to his pre-school conference tonight. Torn between developemental kdg next fall and regular kdg. Cognitively he's ready for regular kdg, but developmentally he's borderline. I was all ready to go regular and then she added 'he seems unhappy lately, he'll wander the class, not want to play with his friends and look like he's about to cry'. WHAT!!?? I know there's been a couple days when he's hugged me and not wanted to go cuz he says he'll miss me too much, but don't all kids do that on occassion?? When she told me that, I wanted to cry!! I know he's going thru a lot right now, but he always seems so happy here at home. I try soooo hard to have as much fun as I can with him and do/say all the right things but obviously I'm missing something, not doing enough?? Sooo not the 'wonderful' mom some seem to think I am. Bottom line, his happiness is the most important thing, he's only 5 the last thing he needs is stress and if sending him to a class that could very well be too much for him than no way....it's not worth it! I'm gonna give it a few months or so and see where he is, how he's doing before making a final decision, but honestly I am strongly feeling developemental. Plus with the advantage of being 'older' when it comes to sports....woohooo!! Yeah, prolly not the way to think there huh? Soo wish summer would just get here all ready! He loves it as much as I do! We still have snow on the ground. I am ready for pool and beach weather.....good ol 90 deg weather!! Thanks Mom, talking always helps me out! Miss you, love you ((((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*******

Hey,remember when I miscarried a few months before I got pregnant with Bryson. You met me at the door that afternoon and completely embrassed me when I walked in. You held me up when I had no strength to stand. You told me as bad as things were I would be 'ok'. You told me 'things happen for a reason'. You stayed with me, comforted me...said/did all the right things and I pulled thru. A few months later, I was pregnant...with Bryson. I remember the day of my c-section. I couldn't wait...I was all happy, excited, not a worry in the world! You were there standing next to me, getting ready to kiss me goodbye as I was wheeled off to the operating room. You bent down to give me a hug and kiss and I saw tears in your eyes. I said "oh Mom, please don't cry, THIS is a happy time. I didn't lose a baby and come this far to have something go wrong again....BRYSON will be born just fine and I will be too, I am POSITIVE....I can feel it". You told me "oh Tammy, I'm your Mom and I still worry". He was born, healthy as can be, all 5 pounds of him. As soon as I was taken to recovery I asked for you. The pic of you here...on your web page is the first time you saw him, the smile on your face says it all. Things DO happen for a reason Mom, we may not know right away what the reason is, but I look at Bryson and I simply can't imagine not having him here. I know you hear me, I know you watch over Taylor AND Bryson....I can feel you! I remember whispering in your ear on the morning of her 10th birthday "It's ok to die on Taylor's birthday, that will be our sign to each other that you will always watch over her". Your stats dropped...right down to almost nothing, Taylor came in your room, starting singing in her special way and back up your stats went. I put her blanket over you, the bible with her bracelet on your bed and you held on for the rest of the day. And then 2 minutes before her birthday ended at 11:58...you drew your last breath and your heart of Gold simply stopped. Things happen for a reason Mom...you are watching over BOTH of them. I feel it! As Bry would say. "Grandma's not really dead, she's in Heaven dancing around". That you are Mom...that you are. I miss you like crazy Mom, but I am so greatful I can come here and talk to you still and as crazy as it may sound.... I feel your hug and hear your words....'every little thing is gonna be ok, The Good Lord will give you the strength to get thru this'. ((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSESS********

YIKES, hospital just called with Bryson's referral appointment (May 3rd)....talk about lump in throat stop to catch my breath...WOW! I am used to this sorta thing for Tay, but when they said "Bryson"...friggen reality of he could be sick too kicked in! I know you're watching over him though...and her! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Hey hey, thought I'd stop in for an update. Bry is feeling better, waiting on our referral to the immuno docs. All the fevers he's had and his sorta off blood counts is sending us to 'further investigation'. Soooo not gonna let this worry me, he's too needed...he keeps me going and I just don't 'feel it', ya know, like there's anything wrong. My guess would be a flare up of in relation to his mono. We had a 'tent/movie' party last night....needless to say I fell asleep in the middle of predator vs alien....him and his wild movie selections =) Tay had clinic, she was suppose to start another chemo round but her counts were low and Dr C is in California so he couldn't give his 'order' on what to do. Of course I know he'd say 'give full dose...cuz it's MRI time', but yeah...they weren't buying it....so we wait til Monday. Her weight is down, again...still! I'm running triglycerides now, but man she's puked 3 times already, UGH! Bry's at Grams, she's bringing him back in a couple hours, along w/uncle Ben and Shell...the BIG Euchre match is on, lol. Then she's taking Bry back w/her to spend the night. I secretely hope he chickens out (hahaha, bad me...but I miss him when he's not here)This weather, I tell ya mom...HORRIBLE! We were IN the lake one year ago today, now we could build a snowman and go sledding. Five inches of ice remain on the lake (don't worry....I promise not to go out there, lol) CRAZY cold! I sure hope summer is X-TRA good to us!!! Can't wait to get Tay's pool up and going...6 more weeks, even if there is still snow! I'll just crank the heater up full blast =) I love you Mom ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES*******

Well took Bry to the Dr today for all the fevers he's been coming down with and MORE blood work, along with a referral to Devos for further investigation. Poor kid was so sick last night. We spent the entire night in the recliner, he refuses to eat but will drink. He was all teary eyed about his poke at the Dr today,then he wiped his eyes and said "I'm not gonna cry, I can do this cuz I am strong"...talk about pulling at my heart strings. He's sleeping now, in the tent =) Tay goes to Dr C on Wed, IF I can get there, big ol snow/ice storm coming. I'm not too worried about the drive but Bean sure is... She's called me 3 times wanting me to reschedule....worried about me driving. So we'll see. I think in over 13 years I've only cancelled once...pretty good huh? Can't believe this crappy weather we're looking at though...a foot of snow along with ice?? Are ya kidding me?? I know if ya could you'd send summer =)I soo can't wait. I'm starting to slip back down into the gutter again, so much for my 'good week'. I swear God hates me sometimes, or enjoys seeing me in agony...I don't know what his plan is or what he's trying to prove, but geeshhh....can he pick on someone else already?? I miss you Mom. Please look over the kids, BOTH of them!!(((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES********

Goooood morning Mom =) I had a pretty good week! 'bout time huh? Bry's been keeping me busy and that always helps. We've been camping this weekend, lol. Jarrod is coming over for dinner later, he called and wants me to make TONS so he has leftovers to take home, soooo I am gonna make a pork loin, HUGE batch of cheesy potatoes (one of his favs) cheddar biscuits and a BIG chocolate sheet cake (another of his favs) I told him I'd take him grocery shopping, but I think he wants 'cooked food', lol. Wish he would have liked to cook with me like Bryson does. He wouldn't have to worry about it so much =) Took the kids for a walk yesterday...pretty nice out, although I am afraid winter weather is lurking around the corner ...ugh! Bry wants to bring you flowers soon, so we will! Told him we should wait a bit so they didn't freeze, but I guess we could always put them here, on your shelf?? Miss you Mom! Tay starts another round of chemo on Wednesday and her MRI is next month...keep watching over her Mom. She continues to slowly lose weight and I am not progressing at all with her feeds....she gets too gaggy! I love you!! ((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES******** Leaving this here too, one of my fav sayings. I remember it being shared with me right after you left! "I am I and you are you, whatever we were to each other that we still are.Speak to me in the easy way which you always used.Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?" Life means all that it ever meant, it is the same as it ever was.

Getting ready to watch a movie in bed with Bry, if he'd ever pick one out, lol (I know, it's late but he took a late nap) Been a pretty good week Mom, I've slept pretty good, not solid...but hey, I'll take what I can get. Gonna take Bry to see a movie tomorrow. He has kindergarden roundup first....dang, can't believe my lil man is going to be starting kindergarden. He's the coolest thing ever Mom, you'd be sooo in love with his awesomeness, lol. Taylor has chemo and Dr C next Wednesday...the 72 hour chemo starts (I think, terrible...but I lose track) She continues to lose weight and it really worries me. I weighed her after her bath 33 pounds Mom, I wanted to vomit! HOW am I suppose to put weight on her?? She gets too gaggy when I speed up her pump, and there's only so much time in the day/night to get what I can in her. THIS really sucks! I soo soooo wish she could eat real food. I could put a ton of weight on my girl! I've been cooking A LOT, darn food shows are getting the best of me. Saw some AMAZING recipes for homemade crab cakes and stromboli, so of course I'll be making those soon =) Wish you were here....you LOVED being invited over for dinner and I sure loved inviting you! Crab cakes would be right up your alley. Also saw a deep fried cheese burger I wanna make and a stuffed one, lol. Gonna have Dev and maybe Gab up for spring break, hehehe they can be my food testers =) Love you Mom!! Goooood night ((((HUGS))))) *******KISSES********

Thoughts have been blarring thru my mind lately, soo...here I am,cuz talking helps. I really never believed you could miss something you never had, until Taylor came along, not so much in the beginning as now. Hard to talk to anyone about this Mom without feeling guilty for one reason or another. I mean some of my friends have lost their child and I still have mine, shouldn't I just shut-up and be greatful? Just hard Mom... I miss who she never became, who she never will become....all the things her brain tumors have robbed her of. I miss not HEARING her say "I love you" or having a conversation. I miss not sharing clothes, not going shopping together, you know, the trips to the mall where you hit all the expensive clothes stores. I wonder what kind of music she'd like ,perfume she'd wear, movies she'd watch, sports she'd play...would she like the things I like? Would she be a sun and beach nut, simple and easy going like me or full of it and outgoing like Bryson??...lol. I miss not being able to teach her how to cook. I miss her not being able to watch her little brother, not being able to pig out with her on junk food and stay up all night watching movies, playing video games or just 'hanging out'. I miss not seeing her walk. I miss what she would have looked like had none of this happened, had she been born HEALTHY and normal. She'd be in 8th grade Mom...getting ready to take drivers training. I would have been letting her 'practice' her driving skills on back roads my now, like you did me =) The list goes on and on mom....and yeah many people, most probably will think/wonder 'how horrible can you be...you still have her, be happy for that!!' They're probably right, but it doesn't stop the feelings or thoughts from coming. I love her Mom....more than I could ever love anyone, she's made me who I am today and not a day goes by that I don't thank God for choosing ME to be her Mother. It's just hard...seeing her like this, I know all she's missing out on....and it kills me! I HATE that on top of everything else...she can't see!! She/We have been on this road for over 13 years now, just wish life would give her a break. So, when people think of me as being a 'easy' parent...giving in to Bryson...and even Jarrod, waiting on him hand and foot, being his best friend. Yes, we sometimes eat junk for dinner, we skip a day of school to just 'have fun'. I wake him up in the middle of the night to 'play' or watch a movie. The other night I drew him a big ol bubble bath and served him bacon and orange juice...bathtub side, lol. I take him shopping and let him pick out whatever toy he wants. We turn the music up full blast and dance around, we have slip and slide contests thru the house, we make messes and go to bed without cleaning them up. We make cookies, ALL THE TIME!! I share my morning coffee with him, wake him up with the kissy torture....the list of things goes on and on. Spoil him...maybe, to some. But for me it is because I CAN! When you have a child you are robbed of doing all these things with, I guess it changes you?? You look at life completely different! I love you!! (((((((HUGS)))))))) *******KISSES*******

Hey Mom, well after a pretty 'eventful' week yesterday and today have been pretty good! Actually slept without someone in my nightmare dying! UGH, I tell ya, the waking up gasping for air followed with body torture was/is NO fun!! Bry's fever is gone....only lasted a day so I didn't bother calling his Dr. I'll document and 'wait and see'. Jarrod is home from spring break (Florida) he brought my Explorer back last evening, hung out with the kids while I ran to wal-mart. He brought Bry back a chupacabra claw that he hunted....lol, had it made into a necklace for Bry. Shoulda seen Bry's eyes when he saw it....PRICELESS!! Tay's done with temodar for a month. We go next week for counts and to start her 'other' chemo. She worries me...weight is so poor, she is soo thin Mom! Weather isn't too bad today, could stand to be about 50 deg warmer but at least the sun is shining. Can't wait for summer to get here, that'll help my 'blahhs' big time! Made some chicken and dumplings the other day....haven't made those in a LONG time! Thought of you cuz I know those are/were one of your favorites. On a kicking kick I guess...helps destress me, plus I love it =) Gonna have to slow down on that...preeeeeetttty wasteful, lol. Miss you....I Love you!! ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES*********

Here I am, back again =) Made some cheesy potato soup...one of your favorites! I've been eating so much junk lately, needed something 'homemade' I guess. I've got a whole list of things I wanna make this week/end =) Gonna clean house tonight, when I'm done 'chatting' with you. Sleep is hard to come by these days Mom. I did manage a couple hour nap today but I tell ya Mom this 'night' thing. I'll go to bed, my body completely exhausted, but my mind fully awake. Every little thought from the good to the ugly will play thru my mind. This can last a couple hours. Then my mind will slowly slow down. I can focus on a good, sometimes made up happy thought and almost fall asleep to it, then WHAM...like a bolt of lightening I'm blasted awake. Almost like someone is guilting me for having a 'happy' thought. Heart starts racing, I break a sweat, feel weak and sorta nauseous and that's all she wrote...I am WIDE awake. The viscious cycle continues til about 3-3:30 ish, when my mind finally catches up w/my body and I drift off to sleep. If I'm lucky I'll sleep til 5:30-6ish, then I'll lay there back to the random thoughts game until it's either time to get up or the kids get wake up. Sometimes I'll 'drift' a little, but I tell ya there are many of nights I think I am better off just staying fully up and awake. SUCKS Mom...it really does! Ha, the good thing about all of this though is I can still 'talk' to you about it only now you are 'there' so you don't worry. You just smile down and say to me 'every little thing is gonna be ok'. Love you Mom!! I better get outta here and get some work done. Hey, I saw a little old lady today, she was the sweetest thing ever, reminded me of you. Made me smile!!! (((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES*******

Hello =) Sunshiny day out...too bad it's not WARMER! Soo hate this time of year! Summer fever REALLY setting in! Can't wait to get Tay in her pool and gonna try and get Bry to the beachy beach a little more this summer. He LOVED it last year...especially the BIG waves and sand! A little too crowded for my liking, hopefully we can find one with a few less people ;) Debbie's been calling me alot...almost everyday, just to check in. It's nice! Sandy checks in often too, Becky tries, but timing is usually bad so I need to call her back (I'm no good at that) Shelley...she messaged me the other day. I kinda put out an 'alert' a few weeks ago not wanting ANYONE to call... so, she's 'waiting',lol! As far as others/friends....not really. Seems my life is so intimidating when/if I do 'talk' I get boycotted, so I've learned keeping quiet is the best thing. Taylor's doing pretty good, back to sleeping a lot and she starts chemo on Tuesday. I'm getting very little calories in her but am able to at least keep her well hydrated. When she is awake she's happy so all and all it's a good thing (I think?). Jarrod is on his way to Florida (with my Explorer, lol)his anually 'spring break' trip. Bryson is Bryson. He was so funny last night, his sweet talk blows my mind. He snuggles up to me, his face about an inch away from mine and says "I wanna fall asleep just like this" I ask him 'why'? And he says "so you are the first thing I see when I wake up" =) Is he perfect or what!! Well as much as I'd love to sit here and chat with...I really gotta get something accomplished here. I love and miss you Mom!! ((((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES******

Hey Mom =) I know....been awhile huh? Kinda quiet, but still here, always! Hard to talk, but you already know, so we'll just leave it at that. Never was very good at 'talking' anyhow...well except to you of course. Tay's doing pretty good....this week. She's back on chemo next week so the pukes, sleeps and all that will return i'm sure. She's also not gaining weight, actually lost a little, but I just can't feed her fast enough for her to gain weight w/o stirring up the 'pukes'. MRI in another month or so. Jarrod is getting ready for his annual spring break trip to FL. He took my Explorer again, he's gonna spend a fortune on gas, it's AWEFUL!! Bry's doing pretty good. At least he's healthy again. His fevers were REALLY worryiing me. One more and their gonna 'look into it', UGH! He's such a sweet talker Mom, I mean HUGE sweet talker! I told him if he keeps it up when he gets older he can marry any girl he wants and he says "I choose you",lol. He wants to bring you flowers, I told him as soon as the snow leaves and it warms up a bit so they don't freeze. He does draw pics for you though...all the time =) I miss you Mom...like crazy! Would give anything to have you here. A visit in my dreams would be nice....it's been awhile! I LOVE YOU!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES******

Grandma, its been a while sence I've wrote but I get on here once in a while to see all what Tammy has to say :) aha, oh man. I miss you like crazy.. like Gabi said, you held the family togetherr. We always saw everyone almost every year because we would all gather at your house. It's not like that anymore, & I haven't seen anybody as much as I would like. You always knew what to do and what to say. Every time I would come up north, me and Debbie would stop at your house first to visit. You would ALWAYS be sitting in that one chair in the dining room. & if you werent there you were cleaning or in the kitchen. It's just not the same when I come up north, cause I go straight to Tammy's or if we come to your house, nobody is there & its soooo different. I miss you Grandma, don't forget I think about you allll the time. Im thinking I better get my butt up north to Tammys, cause she needs to have some fun :) I love you guys so much <33 Love & Miss you Grandma. *Tammmy, don't forget - I'm always here if you need to talk. I know your superrr strong and can get through anything. Stay positive & keep your head up <3 Love you !

Had an interview today....yeah it's time to climb out of my rut and get back into the swing of things no matter how difficult it may be. Financially it's gotta happen as well, enough is enough....blahh! Tay did REALLY good with this round of chemo, UNTIL last night...she puked all night and morning! Poor thing! Bry got her a Valentine blanket and pillow and covered her with it...he's so awesome! He must have said 'you are soooooo beautiful' to me 100 x today, lol. I tell ya Mom he's gonna make a good hubby in about 20+ years! I was walking him to the truck from wrestling and it was icy....he says to me 'I love you so much my heart hurts, let me take your hand beautiful so you don't fall', lol. Noooo idea where he gets all this sweet talk from, hehehe. It's working though, he has me definitely wrapped around his finger...for sure!!! Saw Jarrod today, he coaches Bry ya know. He's doing good, doesn't get home nearly as much as I'd like him to, but at least I get to see him every Tues and Thurs at practice. Thanks Mom....I love you!! Happy Valentine's Day ((((((HUGS))))))) ******KISSES*******

Hi Mom, wanted to share the Valentine Bry picked out for you today...ALL HIS idea! It is a snow globe with a red heart inside. On the outside it says "Grandmom thank you for giving me the greatest gift, your love". How perfect and true is that!! He put it on your shelf <3 Tay finished round 7 of her chemo today, she did really well with it. Has slept a lot today though....pretty much ALL day. She's been on clear liquids all week because of the chemo. I'll start her feeds back up tonight, hopefully she does ok and hopefully she sleeps. I've only had 5 hours of sleep all week...(I know Mom, I know!) I'm doing 'ok'...think I'm gonna remain silent though. Talking doesn't work...not like anyone understands anyhow. I can suck it all up and every little thing will be 'ok'. It is what it is, right? Cooking Valentine's dinner tomorrow. Invited Gram Bean down,she sure jumped on the invite. Bry has gifts all wrapped up for her too (and Papa). I sure hope his sweetness sticks with him when he grows up. He'll make a good hubby =)) Well gonna go for now, I love you!! PS. You'll be happy to know, I went 'out' for a bit today! Was nice to be around a few friends...even if only for a little while. (((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES*******

This song soooo reminds me of you Mom!http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5w5sMU5h1fg Wish you were here, you were the only one I could ever really talk to. Totally unjudgemental and total understanding. I miss you Mom... ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES********

Hey Mom, just dropping in before I head off to bed. Bry's sleeping and Tay is WIDE awake! She slept in til 3 PM today (yeah, I know)! We go to clinic tomorrow and if all is well with her counts he'll send us home with the next round of chemo, the one where we are up ALL day and night for 72 hours! I'm doing 'ok' Mom... one day at a time, right? TRYING to talk about it ..., but you know how I am, kinda hold it all in til I explode! Running off my stress, so I'll keep up with that. UGH....this isn't helping Mom. Usually talking to you helps, but it just isn't working tonight. I LOVE YOU!!((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES*******

So today I was remembering when I took you in for your bronchoscopy at Spectrum. I remember the exact room they put us in. I used to pass by it everytime I took Tay for a procedure or her MRI. Anyhow I remember taking your shoes off for you and out fell a penny from your shoe. I laughed and said "Mom, why do you have a penny in your shoe?" You told me 'for luck' and chuckled. I teared up, hugged you and told you everything would be ok. Last thing that penny brought us was luck huh? I don't know why, but I still have that stupid penny, just another part of you I can't let go of I guess. Haven't been able to 'talk' to anyone yet Mom, friends are far and few and pretty much zero who 'get it'. I did call Debbie and she was gonna fill the girls in. So girls,if you even read Mom's page anymore, I'll call soon.... just need time to absorb is all. I LOVE YOU Mom!!!! (((((((HUGS)))))))) ********KISSES********

Hi Grama, just letting you know I'm still thinking about you. Everybody is really, when you went I remember mom sitting in front of the computer, trying to hide the tears from me and Mikki, just trying to be strong for us. I remember sitting in front of the computer after reading the story about you Aunt Tammy posted, just crying like crazy. You know, you held the family together. When we hadn't seen eachother for awhile we would have a "reunion" at your house. I remember how much I loved it at your house, and your perfume and soap scented hugs. I love and miss you Grama Joan! <3

So I've been sitting here, back and fourth with what the hell to say or even 'think'. It's quite obvious God is on strike and your hands are tied. Either that or He simply hates me ???? Trying to hold on to your logic 'things happen for a reason'. We shall see Mom, it is what it is I guess. Mind races a million mph pretty much non-stop now. Runs are about the only thing that I can 'escape' in but then even those highs don't last long. Anyhow, kids are doing well. Even Sweet little Taylor has had a good week! Pretty big snow storm we had here last night, I'd say a good 14" of snow with some amazing drifts! Let the dogs out this morning and they 'disappeared'...lol. Speaking of 'this morning', woke up to a broken furnance as well. See....I'm just so lucky and all, who else's furnance would go out the morning after the biggest snow storm of the year @@@@ Oh well, it's fixed now, thanks to a really nice man from Consumers Energy who was the only one able to get out of his driveway today. Well Mom, sorry to be such a downer, complainer and all of that. I miss you like CRAZY ya know and I love you very much!! ((((((HUGS))))))) ********KISSES*********

Hey, been a while I know...sorry! Kinda been avoiding the whole 'internet' thing. BAD week! Not seeing this up coming week being much brighter! Bought a new treadmill today, it'll be delivered on Monday. Mine is on it's last ....wing, leg...whatever ya wanna call it. I gotta have something to vent my stress out on...plus keep me in shape =) Can't wait for it to get here....went all out on this one Mom! Guess I kinda sorta deserved it, 'maybe'. Anyhow, as you know Tay had her MRI. It was 'ok', less lights on up there, which is good. But I dunno Mom, Dr C just always seems like he's holding something back. I'm gonna get the radiology report next time I go to clinic. Her nausea and choking do seem better, but her ability to control her body temp is HORRIBLE! And that function is right up there in the brainstem. So if it's not one thing, it's another. She's also been neutropenic for a few weeks and well....can't get the chemo she needs when that happens. I know you're trying Mom and you are and always will look over her. I feel you here, with us a lot! Weather here is brrrrrrr!! So can't wait til spring/summer! Bry's doing good, hasn't been sick all fall/winter, thank goodness. I think I'm getting strep throat though. Good thing I have a pharmacy in my house huh? Stress I am sure, cuz I rarely get sick. Well gonna go for now Mom. Bean and Papa are on their way back from FL. I promised Bry we'd make cookies for them, sooooo =) I LOVE AND MISS YOU!!! ((((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES******

Hi Mom! Kids both fell asleep so I thought I'd stop by for a chat! Watching House actually,but on a commercial. Had a F.U.N day with Bry...something we both needed. He really is a cool kid. I wish you were here to watch him grow up. I remember when I miscarried you grabbed hold of me and told me 'everything will be ok, things happen for a reason'. And while those aren't words just anyone can say, they meant something coming from you and had I not miscarried I wouldn't have Bry. Pretty twisted thing to say, but true nonetheless. He's a fun kid....enjoys the simple things like me. I sure wore him out today though....who'da thunk it, lol. Coulda been the hooking him to a dog leash and dragging him across the wood floors full speed, lol. Or the endless bed wrestling, or maybe the endless loads of junk food we ate, all.day.long! Whatever it was we sure had fun doing it. Tay had a pretty bad choking episode today, she was having some swallowing 'issues' thru it too. She has a MRI coming up Mom, really need this one to be better than the last one Mom. I know the choking, swallowing and sleepiness comes from the brainstem, one more dose of temodar...please, if anything let it do it's magic! I Love You Mom!!! (((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES*******

Hey hey, sitting at clinic with Tay, bored and waiting...still, so thought I'd come hang out with you a bit. She had a pretty good night last night and right now she's being a goof! Ear is still infected so back to ENT we go. Her MRI is coming up, UGH! Me and MRI's have a love/hate relationship. She'll have a few good days and I'll think, 'oh it's gonna be good' then we'll get slammed with those bad ones and all goes to hell from there. Yeah yeah, I 'know' exactly what you'd say and I'M TRYING!!! Bry had practice last night...it's so cool to have him in a sport, really don't care what it is. Just love seeing him out there, ya know? Sooo good for him =) Jarrod did awesome with him too. He was worn out when we got home, I tell ya. I'm doing good Mom, really I am. Taking care of myself well! Treadmill/exercise really helps me unwind.I even hopped in the sauna as soon as I got home last night, while I still had some 'me time' left. Well, gotta get going here. New hospital is done, not sure I can bring myself to walking over though. Weird feelings about the whole thing, that's me for ya though...lol. I love you! ((((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES******

Guess who??....lol. Had a dream about ya last night, short...but I saw you, talked for a few. I was asking you about some picture and where it came from. But dang if I can remember what you told me. Soooo excited to see you I guess! Ya looked GREAT by the way =) Doing ok I guess. Worried as heck about Tay, between the pukes and excessive sleep...UGH!! MRI end of the month Mom. The new hospital is FINALLY ready, tomorrow will be the last walk thru the heart center I'll EVER have to take. Part of me wants to walk up to the 5th floor and the other part says "don't you dare". Will see what tomorrow brings. Cold cold cold here Mom, you'd hate it for sure! Hoping it warms up a little. Would LOVE to take Tay out...on the sled, just for a little while. Bryson sure LOVES it out there!! Me,well....you know, winters not really my thing, but playing in it (for a little while is fun) I'd rather have cold and snow then cold and no snow. Well, off to the treadmill I go Mom. MISS and LOVE YOU!! ((((((((HUGS)))))))) *******KISSES*********

Hey, not much going on. Bored so I thought I'd swing in for a chat w/my favorite listener =) Another bad night for Tay last night. She has chemo on Tuesday and her MRI is set for January 26. PLEASE PLEASE....praying so hard for it to be good!!! Did my taxes today....fun fun! Took Bry in the sauna, he loves it in there almost as much as I do. We pretend we're at the beach....a really HOT beach. Temp in the sauna gets up to 200! Don't worry, I make him sit on the bottom, bring ice water and only for 15 minutes. He did so good at wrestling, kept right up and let me tell you they work them kids HARD! Jarrod is a coach so that is nice! He says no tournaments for Bry this year though. He wants him to just have fun and not worry about 'competition' just yet. Soooo, he practices every Monday and Thursday =) Hoping to get him into baseball in the spring. Or whatever....I'll leave it up to him. I just want him to have fun and stay active. I love you Mom....and I miss you so much! I'm doing 'ok', hanging in there! Be great if you were HERE, help me out of this 'slum' I can't seem to pull myself out of. Oh well...it'll happen, 'someday'. ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSESS*******

Not sure what's going on up there Mom, but tell GOD vacation is OVER!! Time to answer some prayers and dish out some miracles! This is CRAZY down here I tell ya! Tay had a rough night last night and ya know, I've NEVER said this before....never even thunk it, but it's a good thing you're not here to see the HELL the last year has put her thru! You so hated to see her go thru any sort of discomfort....it'd break your heart each and every time. It's hard Mom, hard for me to watch, hard to KNOW there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. Here I am her Mom, her protector and I can't keep her safe from the one thing that hurts her most! Just watch over her Mom....will ya? Just help her thru and watch over her. I know you're there...well here. I see it and hear it in her giggles, her laughter, her smiles. Bry starts wrestling tonight. First words out of his mouth this morning "Is it time for wrestling yet?" He's sooo excited! Jarrod's coaching, he called his brother last night. Had to brag about his new Nike wrestling shoes. Just HAD to have the kind his bro has, lol. Also wanted to make sure 'you're my coach, right', lol. Hoping this spring/summer he'll get into another sport....sooooo good for him to stay busy with that sort of thing. And trust me...he NEEDS it! I miss you Mom, I really really miss you. Easier...I don't think so, wouldn't want it to be, I mean....how could it? Just adapting I guess, not even sure if that is the appropriate word for it. Anyhow, I MISS YOU and I LOVE YOU, always! (((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES*******

I KNOW what you'd say if you were here and I KNOW what you'd do, BUT you're not here to 'do' and I can't Mom....I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE! I'm not as strong as you, I never was....I am broken and defeated! Thanks for hanging out with Taylor last night, you two always come thru and make me smile =) I LOVE YOU!! MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY! (((((((HUGS)))))))) ********KISSES**********

I know I was just here Mom, but I was re-reading some of what I've wrote to you. I do that sometimes. Anyhow, this is from 3 years ago...made me smile, laugh and cry. Here it is again (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES******* Today sure was a crappy day Mom. I was about ready to admit myself to a nut house! These kids are about to drive me crazy...and I am not talking about my kids! I'd take a deep breath and look at your picture, that smile of yours got me thru the day. Michelle was out sick today so that didn't help matters. You didn't have too many of these kind of days. Nothing usually bothered you and when it did you always found a way to get through it...I was remembering the time you had a not so good moment...well acutally it was pretty darn funny, it made me laugh. One of the kids was crying non-stop for no particular reason....following you around like crazy, you had done everything you could and still she'd cry. Finally you said (not in a mean way...in your own funny g-ma way) "insert kids name here, you are giving me the headache". Then little Alyson pipes up and says "It's ok G-ma, she's giving me the headache too". Oh you and I laughed so hard we nearly peed our pants! Those were the kind of bad days you had, a moment or two that always ended with a laugh or smile. Man Mom, I miss those days! I miss you so much! I miss you helping me, being there for me, talking to you on the phone all the time. I miss seeing you and you coming over all the time. Today I thought I heard your car coming down the road. I still remember how it sounded, how you always came into the house in the mornings. Your smell, your concern and caring ways. I miss every little thing about you and no matter what anyone says that will always be! It will never be easier. How could it be?? You are my Mother and I love you more than life itself! The holidays are going to be brutal. Here it is Thanksgiving in a couple weeks. We will all get together at your house but tell us Mom, without you there, what are we suppose to be thankful for?? Sure our kids and families, but without YOU?? This sucks Mom...this is so horrible. I remember walking into your hospital room right after you found out that the cancer had spread to your brain. You asked me "isn't it terrible, can you believe it?" Yes, Mom...it is horrible and no, I still can't believe it..even though you are now gone, I still find all of this hard to believe! I had another dream about you about a week ago. I couldn't tell you about it right away. It wasn't one of my 'good' dreams. I was sleeping in my bed and you grabbed my hand. I tried to hold on, but you kept slipping further and further away from me. I screamed your name MOM, MOM, MOM...over and over again, but I couldn't save you and no matter how loud I screamed no one could hear me to come help. It was bad...I woke up in tears! I went over to your house this weekend. Debbie sure has your headboard decorated nice. You'd like it! I grabbed all your stinking medical bills too. I was in a bad mood when I fixed them all out so some of the remarks I made on them weren't too good. They got most of their money. Insurance paid for pretty much everything. And had they saved you...had they cured you Mom, I'd been happy to pay every single one of them in full. But they didn't so they can just suck up their loss and take what the insurance paid for. They can harrass me/us all they want. We certainly can't be hurt more than we already are. I told each and everyone of them if they had anything else to say to include a self stamped enevelope. Sorry to be rude Mom, I'd just had it...I told you I was having a crappy day. Hopefully a goodnight sleep will make things a little better. I love you Mom!! ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES**** Tay has chemo on Friday and her MRI is on Dec 3rd. I know you'll be there for both :o)

Happy New Year Mom! Well where you are time stands still...soooo anyway, I MISS YOU! New Years Eve down here, lets see. Dev was here, we got Chinese takeout and a whole hord of other junk! Goofed and played Wii til 3:30. Even Bry woke up before midnight..so it was all good! Thought of you of course and how you weren't here...cuz you'd def be spending the night if you were. We had Bry's birthday party today, Sandy, Gab and Debbie came up. It was nice to see them. Debbie is doing 'ok'. Hopefully the start of the new year will help. But then again when you have to start it w/o ALL the ones you love....it's HARD! I was remembering many of the little things you did for me. One in particular was keeping my slider clean. You'd wash it everyday and after you died I bet I waited a good 4 months before I washed it...I couldn't do it knowing YOU were the last one who washed it. I have a can of corn...or had a can of corn that you bought. I took it out of my cupboard and put it in Tay's closet. Weird I know...but, yeah....I'm weird =) I wear your slippers, almost everyday and your purse is in my closet. Still has your money in your wallet along with your cell phone and other stuff. I don't know Mom, I'll never be able to let go, ya know. I love you too much....you're too much a part of me for that ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES******** Watch over her Mom...always, I know you will! I LOVE YOU MOM!!

Hi Mom =) Yeah yeah...it's after 3AM, what am I still doing up? Tay's chemo round...keeps me up, getting ready for a 3 hour snooze though. Dev's here for the week. We've been having a fun time. We're good for each other ya know =) She's having a hard time too and well...we 'hang' out, talk, play, laugh...little things, simple things. Helps us both! We did go to a movie the other night (Bry's birthday) Gonna go see another one before she leaves. New Years Eve...hard one Mom, always spent it with YOU! You'd come over and spend the night. We'd fix yummys and play cards til the new year arrived! Dev was always here too...with us and she wanted to be here this year....soooo, I'm glad for that. Having Bry's birthday party on Saturday. Debbie and Sandy are coming up and I am hoping Shelley will come down. Tay had Dr C on Tuesday. He's concerned about her sleeping in connection with her brainstem tumor. Me, I just can't put myself there. I'm worn from all the worry Mom. Have my 'good days' and my blahh days. Talking helps...so here I come, to you. You always knew just what to say, even now i can almost hear you talking to me. I love you...I miss you Mom!! GOD, do I miss you!! (((((HUGS))))) *******KISSES*********

Hey hey hey =)) Had an 'awake' dream/vision of you last night. Weirdest thing cuz I was AWAKE. Closed my eyes and there you were....smiling that wonderful smile of yours. I saw you at the beach, I saw you at Becky's, with Richelle,...even saw you with Stuart (shhh, don't tell Sandy) Every flashback I saw you had the biggest smile on your face! Today's Bryson's birthday ya know. I remember the day he was born. You hugged, kissed me and held my hand with tears in your eyes as they wheeled me back for my c-section. I held your hand and said "don't be sad or worry Mom, HE is gonna be OK, I am gonna be OK, THIS is a HAPPY day". You agreed, but as a Mom....you couldn't help to worry. He came...tiny little thing but PERFECT! You were soooo proud! Can't believe he is 5 today, if you could only see him now! Hey guess what?? Debbie and Dev are on there way up. Dev is gonna spend the week with me. I can't wait!! Gonna try and show her a FUN/HAPPY week!! I Love you Mom....missing you crazy, always! (((((((HUGS)))))) ********KISSES**********

(((((Merry Christmas Mom))))) I Love and Miss You like crazy! Christmas Eve was here, at my house again. Not as many as I planned showed up, but it was still nice. Soooo soooo much food! I've been cooking all day, but you know me, I love doing that =) Debbie and Sandy didn't make it...that was my down, but they'll be up soon. Bry's birthday is on Monday. I'm gonna take him to toys r us later in the week for a shopping spree and the have his party next weekend. Debbie's birthday is here too so I'll include her in the 'party'. Now that Lee is up there with you all of this is hard on her. You should see the HUGE ball Santa brought Bry....the things almost as tall as I am (I know that's not saying a lot, hahaha) but any way the things HUGE....he/me, lol, can climb inside and roll around. Can't wait to try it out. Not sure who's gonna have more fun with it, him or me! Bryson was so excited tonight...had a hard time getting him to sleep. Your Little Taylor is about the same Mom, no better, but no worse. I just wish she'd catch a break from all this nausea, it breaks my heart...I just can't imagine what goes thru her little mind, throwing up like that ALL THE TIME! Her choking isn't really getting better either. That usually happens at night, while she sleeps. It's almost like she stops breathing and gasps for air, then she'll start choking, which usually ends up making her throw-up as well. Just put in a good word for her will ya Mom?? She so needs a break. I love her so much! I NEED HER MOM!!! Well, I better head to bed here. I am sure Bry will get up extra early. Oh, Jarrod is here =)) Soooo happy to have him...even if it's only for the night. MERRY CHRISTMAS Mom, I love you (((((((HUGS)))))))) ********KISSES*********

Hey there, here we are Christmas a few days away! I continue to keep the tradition up and host Christmas Eve for everyone. Only now instead of the "I make a pan" "YOU make a pan" of lasagna....I make 2 =( Debbie is gonna be here Mom, I am so glad! It's her first without Lee and well those 1st holidays are the most brutal of all! Bry's got the flu...BAD! He's puked ALL DAY LONG! I'm starting to feel sick, blahh! Not sure if it's cuz I've cleaned up puke all day (and been threw-up on) or I'm actually getting sick! UGH! As long as Sweet Tay doesn't get sick, that's all I ask! She had a really bad night last night. Woke up choking which led to gaggy/puke! Almost time for another round of chemo to begin and hopefully her MRI is scheduled for the end of January. I can't take the waiting. Just need to know things aren't getting worse. She'll have good days and I'll get all excited, then a night like last night will come along and bring me right back down again! Bry's birthday is coming up. Debbie will be here for that too. Gonna celebrate them together and take Bry to toys r us for a shopping spree =) I love you Mom!! Miss you like crazy!! ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES********

Morning Mom...here I sit, drinking coffee out of your cup =) Sooo love doing that ya know. A lot on my mind, Mom. Hoping coming here helps. I can not believe this past year Mom and I know you or no one else can tell any of us WHY!!!! I do know my Faith is starting to break though. Whatever the hell lessons are to be gained/taught/learned...whatever 'strength' God thinks he is showing us can't happen when it's at the cost of a child. It is clearly doing the opposite ya know?? ...to EVERYONE!!! There is not a single thing I could ever do or say to fix that....for any of them. I am afraid they are broken forever...I know I would be. And then of course there's the many 'thoughts'.... hmmmm. So WHY was I introduced to these 3 families all within one year and in the same year have THIS happen....to ALL 3 of them?? I'm looking for the reason Mom because you always said to me 'things happen for a reason'. So I ask myself....WHY almost one year ago to the day were we all brought together?? I look back at what a HARD year Taylor had, I look at her recent scan...knowing that this upcoming year could even be HARDER for her and then I think....is THIS the reason?? Is THIS why I was connected to them??? I can't do what they do Mom, I can't go thru what they are going thru Mom....I CAN'T so IF God even listens to a thing I say....a thing I pray for (cuz I'm beginning to wonder if he is at all tuned into me, I prayed for THEM just as hard as I prayed for YOU when you were sick and just as hard as I pray for Taylor) you make sure he KNOWS this!!!!! You died on her birthday for a 'reason'...to ALWAYS watch over her, so PLEASE Mom!! I LOVE YOU and I sooooo MISS YOU!!!! (((((((((HUGS)))))))))) *********KISSES***********

Momma Joan, you raised a mighty wonderful daughter (Im sure you already knew that) She loves you and misses you (Im sure you know that too) She has a wonderful gentle strength that I have a feeling came right from you...We love her a bunch

Hey,thought I'd stop in for a 'chat', feeling a bit (ok, A LOT) depressed. No right to really, depressed and guilty for feeling depressed at the same time. I mean, she's here....with me. Should be the happiest moment of my life huh? Hmmm....oh well. I'll get over this hurdle too, right? Just remembering last year at this time ...it's not fair Mom. Things were NOT suppose to turn out this way. I don't know how they do it Mom, I REALLY don't! Miss you! Having coffee out of the coffee cup I snagged from your house. Always makes me feel like you're right here with me =) Well I better get back to work here. Just needed a "Mom" minute or two....helps pick me up ya know =) I LOVE AND MISS YOU!!! (((((((HUGS)))))))) ********KISSES*******

Morning Mom! Kids are still sleeping. Tay didn't do too bad last night. I Layed next to her and watched every breath she took, I love her Mom...more than anything you know. She is a part of me...a part I NEED, FOREVER!! So hand deliver this message to GOD!! Had clinic yesterday, she lost more weight, I couldn't believe it! And sure enough as soon as we got there her tube broke. I guess....I guess if it was gonna happen better it be there. Luck/good...whatever ya wanna call it was with us though. They were able to get us right in to fix it. Talked to Dr C a little yesterday, or more-so he talked to me. He's losing his 'hope' Mom...I always shift away from the conversation when he goes down that road, but I still see it in his eyes, hear it in his voice and feel it in his touch. Then of course her nurse hugged me when we left....that's never a 'good' thing. It's been a hard year Mom, every single friend I've made is going thru hell right now...WHY?? Things weren't supposed to end up this way.... I LOVE YOU MOM and I MISS YOU!!!! ((((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES*********

So Bryson has been talking A LOT about Heaven lately....for a few months now especially. He says to me "God comes and carries you to Heaven, and you're not dead, you're ALIVE....FOREVER! Heaven has cool toys, way cooler and the houses are BIG! Heaven has a big door too. You can do everything in Heaven. Heaven has a North Pole with a Santa Claus and Reindeer that you can ride! Heaven has lots and lots of Grandma's and Papa's and they take super good care of you. Heaven has a zoo and you know how the bears are in cages here, well not in Heaven (I asked him if they we're nice....and he says) Oh yes, REALLY nice and they have flamingos you can ride and birds you can fly around on...AND, AND butterflies, you can even fly on the butterflies." I mean this went on and on Mom. There was no break or pause from his story. It was like he knew exactly what he was talking about and he was so excited to tell me all about it. I don't know Mom, while it was the best and most beautiful story...kinda leaves me breathless in an uneasy way. Well I'll chat more later Mom, I still have lots to do before Bry gets back. I LOVE YOU Mom....and I KNOW, with all my heart that you watch over her! (((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES*********

Hey thought I'd drop by before I went to bed (yes, it's 10PM on a Friday night and I'm going to bed,lol) Bry wore me out! We bed wrestled and he beat the tar out me..holy WOW is he tough ( of course he cheats like crazy, lol) He's such a cool little kid Mom, I don't know what I'd do without him. He keeps me so busy and that is just what I need right now =) Tay's doing ok Mom. She had a couple bad nights but last night was a little better. Keep reminding myself that you are watching over her, just hard sometimes Mom. She's been thru so much and fights so hard....for every little thing! I love her Mom and I still need her. Make sure God knows that! LOVE YOU!! (((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES******** Pssst (Gotta leave a happy thought for Bry....when he reads this in a couple years) Bryson,you are sooooo in trouble! When the snow piles up, as it is going to this weekend. I am so taking you out and blasting your little butt like never before. Snow ball after snow ball after snow ball....NO MERCY, hahahahahaha =))

Good morning/afternoon Mom! UGH....alot of agony and misery going on down here Mom. I know, another doom and gloom chat, but I so need to 'talk' and more-so, understand...WHY?? I sit here sulking in my own self pity over Taylor when my friends are hurting so so much more! Feeling quite guilty about that! At least I am on THIS side of the road, I could never...NEVER survive on their side! Make sure GOD KNOWS THAT!! She's doing ok Mom. First 2 doses of temodar are in (always felt that drug to be my safe haven) w/ 2 more to go. I know...magic won't happen over night, but I certainly hope it works FAST!! She was pretty nauseous and choking thru the night but we did get in a couple 'good' days prior, so that helps....ME! Hold her Mom...hold me, UP and watch over her always!! Love you Mom! MISS you like CRAZY!! ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES*********

Seeing how I seem to be in a 'chatty' mood this morning, thought I'd swing by and chat with you a bit too. Sweet girl starts her temodar tomorrow. She actually did GOOD last night Mom, NO nausea and NO choking episodes....yayyyy! Sleeping a lot though, and I know...you'd say 'sleep is good for her'. Well I have your Christmas tree all decorated and put up in my family room, all it needs now is presents underneath it, lol. Gonna run Mom...I feel BLAH, soooo need a shower. BUT gonna leave a quick 'rememberence' for Bryson...to read when he grows up a little. "Christmas at Grandma's when we were kids": The BEST ever Bry! Everyone would all gather at your Gram's house and having the HUGE family we had there'd be so many presents under the tree you couldn't walk thru the living room! We'd have lasagna for Christmas Eve dinner and Gram always made her favorite fudge! Aunt Debbie would make all sorts of yummy stuff to. We'd watch movies, play games and Santa always came to visit just before we went to bed! There were so many of us, we'd have bed made up on the floor. Us kids would sneak out to see what Santa left but could never make it past Uncle Dave, who always slept on the couch....GRINCH, lol. He'd finally let us thru around 6 AM ! And we'd have a blast tearing up our presents! Gram would alway fix a BIG ol' breakfast and dinner would be nothing less than perfection. Yes, Christmas at Grandma's will always go down as the best ever! We'd go outside and sled often too. Back then we'd get dumped on BIG TIME and I actually 'liked' snow, lol. She'd get a little nervous though when we went across the street and skated on the lake. Pssst....she was a 'worrier' =)) I LOVE YOU MOM.....MISS YOU ((((((((HUGS)))))))) ********KISSES**********

Hey there, told ya I'd be back =) Just got done 'bed wrestling' with Bryson, cheat cheat cheat, I tell you! Good grief does that boy have the energy, I am pooched! Went at 'er for a good 30 minutes when I had to fake an injury to get out of it. So now were snuggling (sort of) and watching a movie. Talk about cheating, I remember when I was a kid and you, Dad, Grama and a couple of Dad's friends would play cards together. I was just a kid, but guys would let me in on the game regardless. I liked being Dad's partner....we were such good silent cheaters together, lol. I miss those days! So many Friday/Saturday night card playing games. Also remember all the snowmobiling we'd do. Dad would take us to bundy hills. We'd take sleds, slide down then Dad would zoom us up on the snowmobile =) I miss him too Mom, make sure he knows that....K? I sure got my love of water sports from him. Cuz YOU were so not a fan! You'd always take us to the lake for swimming though....almost every day. You were such an awesome Mom, there's nothing you wouldn't do for us. So Bryson....when you are old enough to read this. You have one heck of a Grandma and these memories I leave here are not only for me, but for you too! I want to make sure you learn as much as you can about her. She will always live inside you....ALWAYS!! I LOVE YOU Mom!!! Felt good to talk to you like this =) (((((((HUGS)))))))) *******KISSES*******

Hey there Mom...just wanted to pop in and say hi! I know the last several chats with you have been a little (ok, A LOT) of the gloom and doom kinda talks. So need to get away from that, after-all I want Bry to have some 'happy' 'funny' 'cheerful' things to read about you as he grows up and most importantly be able to feel the love you were so full of! Sooooo, I'll be back Mom....OFTEN. Talking of all the GOOOOOOD things could perhaps be just what I need right now =)) Love you so much Mom and so missing you like crazy!! ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES********

Hey, so as I was coming from the shower I glanced at the clock and it said 8:18 THANKS Mom, I needed that!! You may be THERE....but you are also HERE =)) You did such a fine job knowing what I needed when you were alive how could I expect anything less from you THERE?? I know you watch over her...all of us, I KNOW Mom....you JUST reminded me. I LOVE YOU and MISS YOU like crazy (((((((HUGS)))))))) *******KISSES*******

Love You Mom, can't sleep so here I am. Thanksgiving was...UGH! You know Mom, really don't wanna go there tonight. Jarrod's coming over tomorrow...he's gonna help Bry and I put up the Christmas trees. I tell ya Bryson is s excited, I sure need that....he's such a cool kid Mom, you'd get a kick out of him for sure. Tay has her MRI on Monday....gotta be there at 10:30, which is better than the usual 6AM. Dr C wants me to come up afterwards for results....kinda nervous Mom. I know you're looking over us though, with all my heart I believe that! Well I gotta go mix up her chemo. Missing you like CRAZY! LOVE YOU!! ((((((((HUGS))))))) ********KISSES********

Happy Thanksgiving Mom, as hard as it is, at least I know in my heart YOU are happy! So much to say, not even sure where to start. A lot of sorrow down here Mom! YOU not being here, Debbie's 1st without Lee, friends first without their child, the sad news of another friend who will soon be sending their little boy up there...to Heaven. Richelle...and her loss, she needs a hug Mom, please let her feel your love and strength Mom. And then Sweet Tay or Little Taylor as you always called her. I am so worried about her Mom. Between her gagging, choking and upcoming MRI....she's losing weight Mom, still! I was bathing her tonight and it hit me, HARD...how aweful she looked! So I weighed her, I weighed her and she barely weighs 36 pounds! 36 friggen pounds Mom, she's way way thin! You'd be a mess seeing her if you were here! I am on the 6th nutritional drink right now...they've switched her SIX times and NOTHING helps!! Is God on strike Mom?? There is just too much sorrow around me right now, I try Mom, I really do. I watched my little friends memorial video today, the little man who helped renew my faith...I needed it today I guess. His smile and remembering how strong he is/was helps in times like these. Hug him will you? Make sure he shines some love and strength down to his family. The holidays for those left behind are brutal! Especially all the 'firsts' I guess the one thing to be 'Thankful' for, is that all of you up there feel no pain, no sorrow...nothing but pure love! I'll see you again someday Mom, for now in my dreams and I so hold on to coming here whenever I need to 'talk'. Thankful for that too! I love you Mom! I love and miss you so very much!! ((((((((HUGS))))))))))) *********KISSES************

Alrighty Mom, so I had another dream about you last night. Have had quite a few lately! Can't remember what the last two were about though, your way of telling me, I guess, "I'm with you no matter what"! I love you Mom! With the holidays coming and Tay's MRI, well you certainly know me well Mom....even still =) This MRI Mom, I tell ya....it's eating me up. If it weren't for her choking, it wouldn't be as worriesome for me. Gonna need ya Mom.....you hear me?? I'll just never forget the last choking episodes and the devasting results the MRI brought us...ugh! Well hey, just needed a talk with you, I LOVE and MISS YOU!! ((((((HUGS))))))) *****KISSES*******

Hey Mom...yeah me again. Woke from a nap, had a dream that Tay could walk. Well not real well, but she could take a couple steps! I was so proud and couldn't wait to bring her over to your house to show you. I knew you'd be the proudest of all. Then I woke up...sad, realized Tay will never walk and you're not coming back =( It's the holidays Mom...get me everytime, especially Thanksgiving! And then the MRI, that has me a wreck as well! Bry's still napping, he's gonna be up all night or at least he'll wake up in the middle of the night like he did last night, lol. We seem to have our sleeping habits all messed up. Same thing happened last night! Oh well, honestly....no biggie to me. I kinda like the middle of the night cuddles and games the kids dish out =)) I miss you Mom, like crazy!!! I LOVE YOU!!! (((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES*********

Couldn't sleep so thought I'd come hang out with you =) Gloomy holiday season is amongst us....BLAH! MRI coming up BLAH BLAH! Soooo nervous about this one, it's the choking Mom, she woke up choking real bad thru the night again and a few episodes thru the day yesterday. Been going on consistentely for almost 2 weeks now. Last time I 'heard' that was, well you know 6 years ago. God I miss you! You'd think I'd be 'over it' or at least used to not having you around ya know? But I'm not....miss you STILL, need you STILL and want you back, ALWAYS!!! I LOVE YOU!! (((((((HUGS))))))) ******KISSES*******

Well thank you Mom for the visit, it's been awhile since I drempt about you so it was GREAT. We were at your house, in your room and you were looking for 'something'. Anyhow we found it....under your bed, lol =) I love you Mom! Weather has been so nice this week, you'd be loving it! I'm sure if you were here I'd be giving you the afternoons off so you could go home and work in your yard....for some weird reason you just LOVED doing that! Tay goes to clinic tomorrow. I tell ya this nausea really has me worried! We are changing her formula, AGAIN but i dunno, I'm not getting my hopes up. She's been choking....has happened about 5 or so times now and she woke up choking real bad once thru the night last night, this worries me because the last time this happened was a result of her pontine glioma.That's the brainstem tumor Mom...the one that absolutely can NOT flare up! So please please, do some pleading up there, watch over her. MRI is at the end of the month and i so need it to be GOOD!! Bry's doing good mom, he is so the opposite of Jarrod, lol. Keeps me busy for sure. He talks about you a lot and I know he doesn't 'remember' you, but believe me he will definitely know you...I won't settle for anything less. And as soon as he is old enough to read, I'm sending him here, to read every little thing I write to you! Now for Jarrod, well...he's a good kid, like you always said. I don't see him a lot, he's busy I guess with working and school. I am gonna try and go see him, maybe tonight. Take him out to dinner maybe =)) Well, better get busy here. I LOVE YOU MOM and I MISS YOU like crazy!!!!! (((((((((HUGS)))))))))) *********KISSES***********

Made it thru another birthday without you Mom =( Went to Walmart and saw a lady who reminded me of YOU! Wasn't that she looked like you, but the way she looked at Bryson. My heart fell right into my stomach and I wanted to run up and just HUG her, you'd think after 3 years I'd be 'used' to not having you around...but I'm not and never will be! And with the holidays coming, well I Wish we could fast forward right thru them! Camped out in the tent last night, wanted to do something FUN with the kids so I popped the tent up in the family room. Had an all nighter planned of movies, video games and snacks and before I knew it Bry had climbed in and fell fast asleep, lol. Before I could get YOUR air mattress in there (yeah, I snagged yours from your house quite a while back) So pretty HARD night sleep last night. We'll try again tonight...maybe take a nap this afternoon so he stays up late =) I LOVE YOU Mom and I miss you like crazy!!! ((((((((HUGS))))))) ******KISSES********

I want you back...I miss you! ((((((Hugs)))))) *******KISSES*********

Forgot this Mom. Heard this song on the radio yesterday and it reminds me of YOU! I'd LOVE to add it to your site, but I can't download music on my computer anymore =( Soooo, here are the lyrics at least. I love you!! ((((((Hugs))))) ******KISSES******* When you lose something, it's all that you want back. You waited patiently. But it don't work like that. When you lose someone, the first thing that goes through your head, is if you run fast enough, you just might catch up. But it don't work like that. You just gotta watch it fly. Stand there on the side line. Wanna swallow up your pride. Know it's gonna be alright. Wishing when I close your eyes With a kiss goodbye... Well the hardest part, Yeah it hurts so bad, is when she spreads her wings, but it'd be a selfish thing, to try and hold her back, but it don't work like that. You just gotta watch it fly. Stand there on the side line. Wanna swallow up your pride. Know it's gonna be alright. Wishing when i close your eyes like a kiss goodbye... When you lose something It's all that you want back. You just gotta watch it fly. Stand there on the side line Wanna swallow up your pride, know it's gonna be alright, wishing i could close your eyes, with a kiss goodbye... Like a kiss goodbye.

Hey there =) Me again, although it's been a little while huh? Miss you!! Pulled out some old pics of us the other day....made me smile, which was something that needed to happen. I actually dreamed of the one on the boat....how weird is that? Had to have been YOU who led me there =)) Birthday coming up...gonna go play bingo with Gram Bean, lol. Bry wants to bring you flowers, so we'll drop em off at the cemetery SOOON!! I love you Mom!!! (((((((HUGS))))))) ******KISSES********

Every breath I take, every move I make, every single day, every time I pray I'll be missing you! Hey,was just about you so here I am. Last night of chemo for Tay. She pretty slept all the way thru this one. Couldn't get any nutrition in her at all....BIG time nausea. So it's been clear liquids since Friday. This has me REALLY worried Mom, she can't thrive off clear liquids. She lost another pound. Mom she weighs less today then she did 37 months ago when you died! She is now down to 37 pounds!! What am I suppose to do??? Trying sooooo hard to help her gain weight and it's breaking me....it really is! Ya know, I sure wish you were here, for sooo many reasons. I surely wasn't done needing you Mom =( How 'bout one of your signs letting me know everything is gonna be ok?? I MISS YOU and I LOVE YOU!!! ((((((((HUGS)))))))) ********KISSES***********

God I wish you were here Mom, sucks talking to you this way! Is life gonna give me a break anytime soon?? Sigh...UGH! No one here on earth who can make me feel the way you always did when life crapped on me! I can 'imagine' the words you'd be saying and feel the warm 'embrace'....almost, but right now I need more than that dammit! I miss you Mom, I really really miss you!!! Holding on...holding on to your words of wisdom. "The Good Lord will see me thru" (((((((HUGS)))))))) ********KISSES********** I LOVE YOU!!!!!

Love you always, miss you still..... Hope lives on Mom and love remains, God I miss you and wish you were here ((((((Hugs)))))) ********KISSES**********

We all live we all die But the end is not goodbye The sun comes up, and seasons change But through it all, love remains. An eternal burning flame, hope lives on, and love remains. Isn't that the truth Mom? I miss you like crazy....still. Let's see, colder weather moved in this weekend. Well actually as soon as it hit Sept colder weather moved in. We had a few nice days last week though. Got in the pool some, went for a walk, boat ride...all that nice kinda weather stuff. Tay's doing a little better Mom, at least her headaches are gone. That had me worried. She's still nauseous, which is hard to see. And her weight is dropping. I just can't feed her fast enough, not enough time in the day/night so that has me worried. She's happy though so really that's all that matters right? Bry is doing good, loving school. He's such a ham...don't know what I'd do without him. He always finds ways to keep me smiling. He plowed me over today with one of his big ol' wet kisses and told me I was his best friend ever and he loved me more than anyone around town....lol. Jay, he's doing good too. Still in school and working, doesn't come home a whole lot,but he calls/texts me often. I try helping him out as much as I can...grocery shopping/extra cash, when I can, I know he struggles too. Me, well I'm hanging in there. Wish you were here...life was always 'easier' no matter how bad things got when you were around. MISS YOU MOM!! (((((((HUGS)))))))) *******KISSESS********

Hey, it's me again, I'm just checking in, wondering how you've been, (sigh)....yeah me and my music. Truth is Mom I am so confused, wishing you were here, missing you like crazy and my mind is racing a million miles an hour! So I sit here smack dab in the middle of your web-page sulking. Would give anything to have you here again, selfish I know, but just for a while Mom. Long enough for hugs and a good talk. The kind where you'd always make 'it' all go away or at least show us 'the way'. You just had that magic about you Mom and I could sure use some of it right now!! Bry starts pre-school on Monday, can you believe it?? So for the first time in a long time it'll just be Tay and I in the afternoon. It'll be good for the both of us though. I really need some good quality time with her! I MISS YOU MOM..and I LOVE YOU!!! Tay had Dr C today....more on that later...you know Mom. Sandy's birthday today, of course you know that too though :)) LOVE YOU!! (((((HUGS))))) *******KISSES********

I LOVE YOU MOM!!!!! (((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES*********

Goood morning Mom :)) Had a dream about you last night, weird dream, but a dream nonetheless, lol. I just love seeing you in my dreams!! Still missing you, always will. Went to the cemetery yesterday, Bry wanted to bring you flowers. He sure picked out some pretty fall ones, I am sure you loved them! Met Sandy there :)) I was telling her how I meant to snag you some solar lights but forgot and she went to her van and like magic pulled one out, lol. She gave it to Bry and after a few tries got it in the perfect spot. He starts school next week Mom, hard to believe isn't it?? I miss you so much Mom, everyday I think of you....still, even after 3 years. You just had an amazing impact on us all, how could we ever go a day without being reminded of that?? Weather is getting colder...YUK! Such a nice summer we had, I am not ready to give it up. Tay's doing pretty goood, she was pretty nauseous last night so I turned off her feeding pump and the nausea went away. I just needed a night of sleep, I'll resume her feeds today, she slept great last night once i turned her pump off...you'll be happy to know that I did too :))I love you Mom.... I miss you ((((((HUGS))))))) ******KISSES*******

Every now and then Soft as breath upon my skin I feel you, come back again And it's like, you haven't been Gone a moment from my side Like the tears were never cried Like the hands of time Were pulling you, and me And with all my heart, I'm sure We're closer than we ever were I don't have to hear or see I've got all the proof I need There are more than angels watching Over me.. I believe.. ohh, I believe. Now when you die, your life goes on It doesn't end here, when you're gone Every soul is filled with light It never ends, if I'm right Our love can even reach, across- Eternity.. I believe.. ohh, I believe. Forever, you're a part of me Forever, in the heart of me I will hold you even longer If I can.. Oh, the ppl who don't see the most See that I, believe in ghosts If that makes me crazy, then I am Cuz I believe.. ohh, I believe.. I Love You Mom (((((((HUGS)))))))) *******KISSES********

Hey, just sitting here wedged between Sweet Tay and Bry....and well the love made me think of YOU :)) Made your awesome cheesy broccoli soup tonight...dang, I ate wayyyyyy too much of it too, gonna have to double my treadmill load tomorrow, hahahaha....I am tuning out your comment on that one Mom :)) I love you so much ya know that? Bry asked me the other day if God was a funny guy, lol. What in the world would I do without that kid?? I remember when I miscarried and you were right there, reminding me that things happen for a reason and The Good Lord will see us thru, well he certainly did....Bry is certainly a HUGE part of my soul and helps me thru in soooo many ways. He wanted to bring you flowers today by the way. SOON I told him. I wanna get you some more solar lights. The ones at your grave now....well lets just say they've kicked the bucket :X Miss you Mom....keep that seat up there...right next to you warm for me will ya? YES, Mom....I know, I've got plenty of chores left to do down here. I'm getting stronger Mom....I am. YOU taught me that, I remember.... ((((((HUGS)))))))) *********KISSES*********

Love you! One more day, one more time, one more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied, but than again....I know what it would do...leave me wishin' still for one more day with you! While I would never wish you back completely Mom....that'd be way too selfish for I KNOW as good as your life here was, as much as you loved and as much as we loved you...the place you are at now...HOME is TRUE and right where you belong, BUT....one more day, I'd give anything for. To just wrap my arms around you...one more time. I love and miss you Mom...with all my heart http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TuE1XJ_uqOs

Hey me again, here to talk to my favorite and best listener. As you know MRI results came in and as you know weren't all that bad, so why do I feel so 'blah and neutral'? Everyone else is giving high 5's, cheering and waaaahhhoooing. I dunno, I guess there was just something in Dr C's voice, in his eyes and in his touch. I don't think he lied to me by all means or maybe it's just me,knowing we are running out of options should this one fail. She has sooooo much going on up there and yes, when he pulled up the scan the part of what they took out had not grown back, BUT her entire cerebellum is full of tumor cells and that isn't changing, so is it just a matter of time?? Course I can't say anything of how I REALLY feel about all of this to anyone...especially you know who, cuz that just give him one more thing to slam me with. I don't know Mom, YES....I am happy with results, they definitely could have been worse. Maybe I am just afraid to be too happy?? Dr C's comment about a lot of folks (meaning medical staff input) questioned us on the treatment she's on, at what point do you say enough is enough? Then he added, BUT she is tolerating it well and the scans are clearly not worse so continue we will. I will know when/if we get to that point won't I Mom?? I mean you're looking over her and all, this I KNOW...but kinda look over me to, will ya?? Alright now, with that all said, I sit here and can almost hear your reply. If you were here of course you'd be on THEIR side....cuz that's how you always were, full of HOPE! But now, from up there, I think you'd give me a big HUG and SMMILE and tell me to just love her...to take one step, one day at a time. To not worry about the tomorrows,to live and love her and EVERYONE as much as I possibly could TODAY :) I LOVE YOU MOM and dang dang DAMN do I MISS YOU!!! (((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES*******

Hey Mom,as usual thinking about you. Had a dream about you last night, but dang if I can remember what it was about. Hate it when you do that to me,lol. I suppose Mom, it's your way of reminding me that your right here with me, out of sight but never out of mind. Tay had Dr C today...did great, the big MRI is on Monday, first one since surgery and the new chemo. This ones gotta be good Mom, as we are running out of options. I know you look over her Mom, I do know that and whatver happens is part of the plan, just not knowing what that 'plan' is...very tough! I've been going thru everything I wrote to you....all the way from the very first thought and WOW am I glad I started this memorial, LOVED reading everything, while it drew a tear it also brought a smile! I miss you Mom, I miss having the only real person I could always talk to around. But you know, I knew you so well I can talk to you in my mind and KNOW exactly what you'd say to me if you were here. LOVE YOU MOM (((((((HUGS)))))))) *******KISSES*********** PS. The little guy who joined you a couple weeks ago, give him extra love up there will ya? And tell him to keep raining down strength. He's an amazing kid Mom...as you would say "some people just have that way about them".... Well he was definitely one of them indeed ;))

One more day, one more time, one more sunset maybe I'd be satisfied, but than again, I know what it would do, leave me wishing still for one more day with you. (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES****** I LOVE YOU MOM !!

Stopped by your house today on the way to Mt. Pleasant. Pulled in the driveway and just sat there for a while. It was hard...probably not one of my better ideas. I so wanted to see the garage door open, the way it always did when I pulled in and you were there. Your lawn looked terrible so of course that was hard. You'd never have let it get that bad. On the way back from Mt Pleasant I stopped by the cemetery. Guess I was looking for what insight or wisdom Bryson would have for me today. As we were pulling out he asked me "Is Grandma dead" I said yes honey, he asked "Why" and I told him you got sick. Then he says "No, she's not dead, she's in Heaven walking around and when we get there she's gonna say "Hi and give us a hug". Not sure why I am thinking of you so much extra, I mean not a day goes by that I don't think of you, but I dunno, really having a hard time I guess. Need, love and miss YOU...A LOT!! Maybe coming here so much is YOUR way of saying...telling me that you are here, here to listen and for me to talk to the way I always used to???? Brings me peace, really it does, coming here, listening to the music, looking at the pictures, talking to you...it brings me peace :) Gonna close with this poem, I LOVE IT! Death is nothing at all, I have only slipped into the next room I am I and you are you Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by my old familiar name, Speak to me in the easy way which you always used Put no difference in your tone, Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household world that it always was, Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it. Life means all that it ever meant. It it the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, Just around the corner. All is well. (((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES*******

Every breath I take, every move I make, every night and day, every time I pray I'll be missing you. Thinking of the day, that you went away, what a life to take....what a bond to break I'll be missing you! And that I do Mom, that I do!! Looking up *smiling* though, cuz I KNOW that is what you'd want. Took me forever to realize that, but I know Mom. I LOVE YOU!! (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES*******

(((((((Mom)))))) Dang do I miss you, I smiled though....I got thru today with plenty of happy thoughts, a birthday girl and I smiled Mom, because I KNOW you are up there smiling down on us ;) I was remembering, back when I was a senior in HS and I skipped school to go to Mc Donalds with friends. Hahahaha, I forged your siggy and wellllll, BIG mistake. It got me to Mc Donalds, but the big meanie of a secretary called you. I remember picking you up from work and you askimg me 'how was your day'. I went with it and said 'good and yours'? You ever so casually glanced over at the mileage and said 'wow, a few extra miles on the car today', lol. YUP, I was busted. Never got into much trouble over it with you...well kinda sorta, the school however, landed me 2 Saturdays in Saturday school....YIKES. I don't know why that thought crossed my mind today....it just did. I miss you Mom, I mean I REALLY miss you!! I miss the easy way we talked, how I could tell you anything and everyhing. No matter what it was somehow it get fixed...you could always make every little thing all better. Life was so convenient with you around. You were like perfection! The Good Lord will get us thru or things happen for a reason....you lived by those words! I remember the last word(s) you said to me. It was 2:30AM on 8/18/2007 I was sleeping in the recliner in your hospital room and I dozed off. I woke up and you were starring at me so I wondered over. I asked you if you were ok and you shook your head yes. I swabbed your mouth to moisten it. You took my hand and with every ounce of energy you could muster up you said "LOVE" I knew what you were trying so hard to say so I said "oh Mom, it's ok, you don't have to say it, I know you love me". You went to sleep after that and never woke up. Slipped away in a deep sleep, ready to leave us. The next morning I knew what had to be done. We had to tell you 'goodbye'...one by one. I went first...told you what an AMAZING Mother you are and if I could be 1/2 the Mom to my kids as you are to yours...well, I'd be happy with that. Then I told you that it was ok to go....to leave us on Tay's birthday,that this would be our sign that you'd always be looking over her. At the end of the day....11:58 PM you took your last breath and with you a part of me and today, 3 years later, i miss you as much as I did then! I LOVE YOU MOM!! ((((((((HUGS)))))))) ********KISSES**********

Aww....(((((Mom)))) how I miss you, still. They say time heals all wounds, but yet not having you continues to hurt. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you ya know? Especially now, you're in my thoughts many many times day and night. I'm confused by a lot of things right now Mom and I know ...I KNOW the advice, the words you'd speak to me would be both "things happen for a reason" and "God will get you thru". I'm not having a hard time believing that Mom, just a hard time understanding WHY!!?? WHY does God allow you to be touched by someone and then it's no more?? I don't know Mom, maybe it's suppose to play out this way, maybe I'm not 'supposed' to understand it at all. Maybe it's right in front of me and I just haven't saw it yet?? I love you Mom, I love you sooooooo much!! In two days it'll be 3 years...hard to believe, seems like it was just yesterday, but yet it seems like forever ago since I saw you, hugged you, kissed you :( Tay's doing ok Mom...this has been a very hard year on her, she has so much going on, but I know she has you looking over her, no matter what the days/future may hold. Bry...he's a nut and my biggest challenge. He speaks of you, which really warms my heart. I keep your memory alive and although he may not 'remember' who his Grandma Joan was, he feels you, you live in his heart and for that I am greatful! Jarrod...he's doing good too, completely on his own....well, kinda sorta, lol. He's a good kid Mom, you'd be proud ;) I love you Mom, THANK YOU!!! (((((((HUGS)))))))) ******KISSES**********

Hi Mom, wow...another long spread since I've visted. Doesn't mean I don't think of you, not a single day goes by that I don't think of you. I miss you soooo very much! A LOT has happened in the last few weeks. I am sure you're well aware of your 'Little Taylor' and all she's been thru, as I know you are watching over her, holding her little hand and helping her thru every step of the way. She's a fighter Mom...just as you always said she was. She's endured a LOT in her 12 years and she is one super strong, brave little girl. I know she 'sees' you Mom, I know you come to her...I can tell by the look in her eye and the out of nowhere laughter! You and her were always so close. You were the only one I could really and truely leave her with. I always knew when she was with you, she was taken PERFECT care of and you were never intimidated by her like so many others are. To you she was just another Grand daughter. It didn't bother you in the slightest that she had so many medical needs. God I miss you Mom, I miss talking to you, I miss seeing you every day, I miss your voice and your advice...I MISS YOU MOM!! I was out at the cemetery a few weeks ago...right before Tay went in the hospital. I'll make a point of stopping by again...SOOON! I want to bring Tay and Bry back out. He LOVES bringing you flowers and he talks to you when we visit. You are 'his Grandma Joan in Heaven'. I wish you could see him Mom...he is AWESOME!! Jarrod is doing good too, I know he misses you terribly and you'd be so proud of the wonderful young man he has become. I LOVE YOU MOM...((((((((HUGS)))))))) ********KISSES**********

Hi Mom, my gosh has it really been 2 months since I wrote to you? What is wrong with me?? I used to come here every single day! I still think of you EVERY SINGLE DAY Mom! I miss you so very much. There is and always will be an emptiness in my life without you here. Things happen and your not her to share them with or give me that hug to tell me it'll be ok! Tay's not doing so well Mom, she needs you Mom, I need you....to look over her, to look over me and tell me 'everything is gonna be ok'. You were always good at giving me that boost of faith I needed when Tay was sick. I so wish you were here right now Mom! Mother's Day weekend....remember how we used to always go to Red Lobster together? I miss that....we'd all look forward to it every year, oh how you loved Red Lobster Mom! Bryson is getting so big! I took him to register for preschool the other day and oh my goodness....he is soooo not like Jarrod, he sprinted right on over to do all the fun things they had waiting for him. Could care less that he had to leave me behind....lol. Where Jarrod would never let me out of his sight, lol. They look a lot alike though Mom ;) Jarrod is doing good, going to school and working. I know he misses you too...well all do, more than anything! I LOVE YOU MOM ((((((((HUGS))))))) *********KISSES********** Happy Mother's Day in Heaven :)

I love you Mom, I know it's been awhile since I wrote to you, I've just had a lot on my plate is all...a lot going on with Tay right now, but I think of you EVERY SINGLE DAY and I KNOW you are watching over us all! I miss you so much Mom, moments like this are especially hard. You always had this magic about you to make things seem better! You were always there to fill in for whatever we needed. I MISS YOU MOM and I LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH!!!!!! *******KISSES******** (((((((((HUGS)))))))))

Hi Mom, I can't believe it's been this long since I've visited...I am sorry! So much has went on though, some I can't mention just yet, but you definitely know what I am talking about, so please keep the family strong Mom, WE NEED YOU!! Sweet Tay, well a lot has/is going on with her right now Mom. As you know we spent Christmas in the hospital. Had you been here, would have been very hard on you as Christmas was always YOUR holiday with us ALL together! She has alot on her plate right now Mom, so we need you to watch over her as well. I am not sure what I am more nervous about, the tummy issues or the new brain tumor. And on top of that she needs a new port and a bone marrow biopsy! So look over her Mom...hold her little hand and help keep her strong! I love and miss you so much Mom. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you and wish you were here with us! (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES********

Happy Thanksgiving Mom! Here we are at the holidays again, without you and it's still very hard. It just will never be the same, we all miss you dearly...more than words can say! I did have a dream about you last night. You told me that you were watching over Taylor and that you'd always be my best friend! You looked so good too, with a big happy smile on your face! Shelley said she's been dreaming about you too and that perhaps it is your way of being with us for the holidays! I like that thought Mom! I know you watch over each and every one of us and if you could you'd be right here with us in person...just as it used to be a few years ago! The kids are doing good Mom, Bryson is getting so big, you'd love him so much Mom! And Sweet Tay, well she's as sweet as ever, still the strong little girl she was born to be! Jarrod is doing well in school. He had a strange call a couple weeks ago. I told him it was from you as there just isn't any other explanation! I miss you Mom and I love you very much!! HAPPY THANKSGIVING!! I am thankful for having the honor of YOU for a Mother!! ((((HUGS))))) ********KISSES**********

Hi Mom, As always I was thinking about you so I thought I'd visit your web site. Today is Kelsey's 9th birthday, yesterday Lissy turned 16! Can you believe it!! Your Grandkids are really growing up! Well Little Taylor had a bone marrow biopsy and 24 hour urine test last week. I am hoping to hear some results tomorrow. Dr. C wants to see how her bone marrow is handling the chemo and the urine test was to see if we could find some answers to her high blood pressure. She's been doing good though Mom, other than some low white blood cells, she's as happy as can be! Her MRI came back good last month, we'll probably do another one around the holidays. I can't believe how cold it is getting out. Fall has come early! But I guess we shouldn't be surprised, we really had no summer at all this year! I miss you so much Mom! I had a dream about you a week or so ago, it is so nice when I dream about you! I just LOVE it!! Sharon is still coming once a month to clean for me, we talk about you every time she comes, so she's usually here the entire day! With Taylor's low counts it really helps to know things are cleaned good! Bry and Jay are doing good too, Bry is getting so big! He keeps wanting to buy you flowers. He enjoys going to the cemetery. The last time we were there he picked up something from someone else's grave site, when I told him to PUT THAT BACK...he told me that you said he could play with it...lol. I LOVE AND MISS YOU SO MUCH MOM!!!! Thank you for being the best Mom ANYONE could ever have!!! ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES*******

Hi Mom! I had a hard time getting here this morning...had to try a couple different ways, but I finally made it! I took Bry to the cemetery the other day. He sat right on your headstone, as if you were 'holding him'. Then he wandered around, found some items at other gravesites and when I told him to put them back he said to me "Grandma said I could see them"...lol. We left a Grandma plaque for you too. I thought I'd leave it there for a while then bring it over and put it on the stand I have with some of your other plaques and pictures I have of you. I miss you so much Mom, still not a day goes by that I don't think of you and wish you were here. I swear everyday there is something I need you for, life is definitely not the same without you here! Tay went to clinic on Friday and had her flu and pneumonia shot and boy did she get sick this weekend! She is just now starting to come around. Her temp went as high as 103.1! She goes for her MRI on Friday, praying praying all goes well and we get really good results! So watch over her Mom as I know you always do! Well these kids are all up here running around and Little Taylor is out there trying to sleep, so I better go settle things down. I LOVE YOU MOM!!! (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES*******

Two years ago today you died in my arms. Mom I miss you so much. My life will never be the same with you gone. You will always live in my heart and spirit. I hope you are at piece and looking down at us with your beautiful smile. I love you Mom. Love always, Debbie

Well I see Shelley and Devinne have beat me here today! Two years today Mom...it's so hard for all of us to believe! We all miss you so very much! It isn't the same without you Mom, a part of me certainly went with you when you left us 2 years ago! We are celebrating Little Taylor's birthday this afternoon. Gabby and Mikki are up so I thought it'd be nice to have a party for her while they were here. Mikki is going to make her a cake. Bryson wants chocolate...lol (with sprinkles of course) Then later this evening we'll go to the cemetery. Shelley and the kids will be down this weekend and we'll visit again with balloons! Taylor had her blood drawn this morning and her sodium has dropped again, even with the sodium chloride I am giving her at home, so I am just waiting for a call to see what's up with that and what the plan is. Her white count is still down too and that has me a little concerned. But I know you are watching over her Mom and you will keep her safe! I LOVE YOU MOM AND I MISS YOU VERY MUCH!!!!! ((((((HUGS))))))) ******KISSES*****

Two years today Mom. I miss you sooo much. I'm hoping to bring all the kids down to Tammy's this weekend so we can let the balloons go. Make sure to look for them and keep watching over Taylor. She hasn't been feeling good lately and needs you to keep her safe. Love you and miss you...

Grandma, its been two years today. It doesn't feel like it though. It just doesn't seem real. I miss you oh soooooooooooo much. I know you are watching over us everyday. I just wish you were still down here. But you are in a better place now and one day we will all be together again. Whenever I go Up North and we stop at your house first I always think your going to be sitting in the dining room where you always are. It feels so different without you. I love you Grandma. I miss you too. Love your great-granddaughter, Devinne Lyon(:

Oh geesh Mom I forgot your ((((((HUGS)))))) and ******KISSES******

Well tomorrow will mark 2 years since you left us Mom, so hard to believe! Tomorrow, as you know, is also Sweet Tay's 12th birthday. She was in the hospital over the weekend, and I know you know this already because when I opened my suitcase as soon as we got there I found the medical power of attorney form we both filled out together. It was signed on the 14th of August 2007...! How it got there...I wondered, but now I know, it was YOU Mom...letting me know you are watching over her as you promised. You left us on her birthday as a sign. When I found it I had a feeling, but then when Shelley told me she found old birthday cards from you on her birthday in HER suitcase, I just knew! Using suitcases to get the point across are you Mom...lol. I love you so much! And I miss you like crazy! But I know you are all around us Mom and you are so at peace and someday we will all be together again, with no worries and no pain...it'll be nothing but pure happiness! We are planning on coming to the cemetery over the weekend when Shelley comes down. I am so sorry I've let that go Mom, but this is the place I feel the most connected to you. This website is where I feel closest to you and like I can talk to you about everything. I LOVE YOU MOM AND I MISS YOU!!!!!!!

Hi Mom, I haven't been on here in a very long time. I see Tammy is still on here faithfully and I'm very glad for that. I couldn't sleep last night and something just told me to get up and write to you. The two year mark is upon us and it hurts so bad. You are still in my thoughts daily and I miss you so much. The kids are all doing good Mom. They are getting so big. I know you look after them everyday. Thank you for sending Randy to me. I know you did that Mom because you knew I needed someone to get me through the tough year that I had. He is great and helps me out so much. The kids just love him and he is very good with them. I wish we could come down and let the balloons go up you like last year Mom but I won't be able to this year. Maybe the kids will want to do something like that up here. Well Mom I love and miss you very much.

2 years Mom...I can't believe the 2 year mark is upon us! I was at chemo with Tay yesterday and we had to walk right thru the heart center. It was hard...the smell alone was all to familiar! They say those 'bad' memories will fade away leaving only the good ones, but yet I still remember your time there all to well! I miss you so much Mom, I am still not used to not having you around. It's like every day there is always a time when I need you for something! I think about you every single day, it's hard Mom... Well Taylor did well yesterday, she's such a tough little girl, you always told her that! She looked so cute sitting up in the recliner getting her meds. She was all cuddled up in a blankey and pillow with her CD player on her lap. Bryson stayed busy playing in the play room and making crafts. He loves all the Dr's and nurses, they are all so good to him! Jarrod is all moved into his new apartment. He was home all week last week and it was so nice having him home. I sure wish he'd come home more often! So how is my Little Flower doing?? I miss her, the other pups are really getting around now, I wonder how little Flower would be getting around if she were here, I fixed some baby rice cereal mixed with puppy formula for them yesterday, they did everything but eat it...fell in it, walked thru it..lol. So I take it they are quite ready for anything other than Mama Macy milk. I miss you Mom!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!! I had a dream about you last night, but I can't remember what it was about, only that I drempt about you. So next time you visit...I'd LOVE to remember more!!! (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES******

Hi Mom...how's Little Flower doing? I am sure you've made her right at home. I remember when you took care of Duffle for us...you'd let him sleep with you and everything, fed him hotdogs...just plain spoiled him rotten! I sure miss little Flower, but I know she is happy up there with you! Well we are approaching the 2 year mark...I just can't believe you've been gone that long. Dale just said the other day it seems like you should be walking in our door at anytime. You are so loved and missed Mom, not a day goes by that I don't think about you! We are going to the casino today...sure wish I could take you with me. I remember when we'd go, I'd hang out with you, we'd always find machines next to each other and no matter which one you chose to sit at it'd always be a better winner than mine was...lol. Oh well, it was like winning myself when I saw how happy winning made you. You LOVED to win Mom :o) Kids are getting big, Bry's still has that little sassy mouth on him, you'd find a way to laugh it off though Mom, kids never bothered you. You'd always find a way to give them what they needed/wanted and still done what needed to be done around the house. You LOVED kids...especially your little Grandkids! When Bry asked where Little Flower was I told him she was in Heaven with you and he seems ok with it...it was perfectly ok with him that she went to be with you. He found comfort in that answer Mom, it's amazing just how much kids really know. Here I thought I'd have a problem on my hands but he did great! He tells me a lot that you are in Heaven...My Mommy...his Grandma is in Heaven. He's a great kids Mom! Sweet Tay is doing good too, she goes for chemo in a couple weeks. We are going to try and take both the kids to the zoo on Saturday. I am sure Tay will enjoy the fresh air. You always liked to ses us get her out so I am sure you'll be smiling down on us all. I LOVE YOU MOM!!! I MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY!!!!!! Kiss and hug that Flower for me and tell her I love and miss her ((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES**********

Hi Mom, I sent you a very special Flower today, one of Macy's pups was very sick. I had to make the most difficult decision today to put her to sleep. She was so special Mom...a tiny little girl, we had a very special connection, I had to hand feed her from day one, but things kept happening to her, not only did she have a cleft palate, but also a heart mumur and she started having seizures, which meant most likely a liver shunt and she has never gained anything at all since she was born which also meant she couldn't absorb her food enough to grow, it was so hard on me Mom, but I know in my heart I made the right decision and I also know that she is with you and you will take awesome care of her....Love her Mom....she's a very special part of me! I LOVE AND MISS YOU!!!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES******

Well we are home Mom, Taylor had a super busy day today. We went down last night to stay at the hospitality house because her day started at 6AM this morning. First off was oral surgery, he did x-rays, cleaned her teeth, and extracted 5. Then she had her g-tube replaced, after that was her MRI and finally we ended the day with Dr C and chemo. He had her MRI results and it showed improvement!!! That's our girl!! She did so very good today, I am so proud of her and I know you are too Mom. We had to walk thru the heart center, they moved clinic to right across from the heart cener so every time we go to the hospital we have to go thru the heart center. That is hard on me Mom...I still think of you. It's been almost 2 years ago today that you were there. It sure doesn't seem like that long ago. I still and always will miss you forever!!! I LOVE YOU MOM....I MISS YOU!! ((((((HUGS))))))) ******KISSES*******

Hi Mom, it will be 2 years tomorrow since we realized how sick you were. WOW, I can't believe 2 years has gone by! I still miss you just as much. Someone asked me yesterday if it was getting any easier and absolutely no was my answer! I still miss you just as much, I think about you every single day! I did have a couple dreams about you this week, one last night and the other a few days before (or as Bryson would say ...last day...lol) He is getting so big Mom, I remember he could walk under the table just missing hitting his head the last time you saw him, no he is a good head above that mark! He's a sassy one Mom....and BUSY BUSY BUSY!! We just love him to death though and can't imagine not having him around...he is one awesome little guy :o) I remember you telling me that I'd have a baby after my miscarriage and that things happen for a reason, well you were right as usual...I look at him and remember you telling me that :o) Taylor is doing good too, she goes to see Dr C on Tuesday then we go down Thursday night because she's having oral surgery and an MRI on Friday, then back to Dr C for chemo. We are taking her in her pool today, she loves that! Jarrod is doing good, he is wrestling for CMU and loving it. He is busy though...too busy actually, I hardly see him anymore and that is hard! Duffle is about to be a daddy again, as a matter of fact I believe Macy Mae is in labor as I write this, so sometime today/tonight we will most likely have pups again! Well Mom, I better sign off for now...I'll talk more later in the week after Tay has all her tests done. I LOVE AND MISS YOU MOM!!!! *******KISSES******* ((((((HUGS)))))))

Wow Mom, I can't believe it's been almost 2 years. I miss you soooooo much! Not a day goes by that I don't think of you! The weather is finally starting to get nice, not hot hot, but your kind of weather. Next week is suppose to warm up to the mid 80's. Tay's been able to get in her pool, she was in all last weekend and will be in again this weekend. Gabby is up for the week, she is having fun swimming and playing with Bryson. It is really good to see her, it's been almost 2 years since I saw her. Taylor is doing good, last MRI was clearly improved Dr C says. We go again on Wednesday to start another round of chemo. She's losing weight though, she's lost 10 pounds since December and we can't seem to get it put back on her. They did send her some higher calorie formula so hopefully that will work. You know how picky she is, she won't drink it, but I am able to get 2 cans of it thru her tube at night and that is about 700 calories so that's good. Last time I weighed her she was 35 pounds so we'll see where she is on Wedesday. Bry can swim Mom and boy is he good! You'd be proud and nervous at the same time! He goes under and everything. I miss you Mom...I LOVE YOU!!!!! (((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES********* Happy Father's Day to Dad on Sunday :o)

Saw you in my dream last night Mom. Shelley and I were with you at the mall...we walked and shopped with you and kept kissing you over and over on the check! It was nice! I miss you so much, it still hurts not having you here Mom, I am sure it always will hurt. You were the best of the best Mom! Taylor's MRI came back good...I knew it would though, with you watching over her Mom! Oh guess what Bryson can do...you'd be so proud but yet so very nervous as well. He can SWIM!! He goes under the water and everything...it's truly amazing how fast he caught on! He's so proud of himself Mom (oh and I am very proud of him as well! I just can't believe how good he does) Taylor even got to go in the pool this weekend, she loved it as usual) She goes to the dentist today, hopefully she does as well this time as she did las time) Well Mom, the kids are cranky, I need to go fix them lunch and get them ready for their nap. I LOVE AND MISS YOU MOM!!! ((((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

What a way to end my Mother's Day Mom...I had a dream about you last night! THANK YOU!!! I really think you know how much I miss you! I LOVE YOU MOM!!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES******

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY MOM!!!! I thought about you all day today. I miss you so much Mom! Dale fixed prime rib for our dinner and I know you would have just LOVED it! We had garlic potatoes and breadsticks to go with it and cake and cheese cake for dessert! I am sure your Mother's Day in Heaven was far more beautiful though and I can imagine you were smiling down on us all today! Taylor went to clinic on Friday and she got sick 4 times but is now doing good! (((((HUSGarlic potatoes, fresh fruit with dip, homemade breadsticks, cherry cheese cake, and a regular cake MIL is bringing...it was YUMMMMMMMMMM! I'm so stuffed I can barely move,....I seriously need to go walk some of this off! ((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Hi Mom, all is well here. Taylor has been doing really good. It's been over a week since she's had a nausea/gaggy episode. Dale even took her out and swang her the other day and even that didn't bring on a episode, so we are very pleased! She's eating much better and I believe she may have gained a pound or two back that she lost. We'll find out tomorrow when she goes back to Dr C. Her pool is in the process of being opened. It has a tear in the liner so they are working on that, but come Memorial weekend it should be all set and up to temp for her to swim in. I can't wait...she's going to love it! Today is Jarrod's last day of school for this semester. He's pretty happy about that! I think he is in need of a little break. Bryson, well Bryson is Bryson...VERY BUSY...lol. He's a awesome little guy though. I wish you could have watched him grow up a little more Mom. He's a little more independent than Jarrod was. He's still a Mommy's boy, but he's not nearly as shy as Jarrod was. I miss you Mom! I miss you so much! This weekend is Mother's Day, hard to believe we'll be celebrating a 2nd Mother's Day without you. I LOVE YOU MOM!!!! ((((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES********

Sorry it's been so long Mom, I think about you every day and talk to you in my mind...every single day, I've been meaning to write to you but I just keep procrastinating! I miss you so much still Mom...as much as from day 1! I sitll look at life going on around us and wonder or even know what you'd be doing right now if you were here. The weather is finally starting to get nice again. We hade a few warm days and then it turned cold, but today it is suppose to be warm and sunny out. You would have loved it! Taylor is doing so so Mom. She's back on chemo full time now and I think it is a little rougher on her this time than before. Of course it is a little stronger so that could be all the difference. This nausea and gagging has really got us worried, I wish there was something you could do...maybe put in a good word for her Mom. I wish so much we'd figure it out and fix it for her. I hate to see her go thru that! Dr C thinks it is tumor related, but I am not convinced of that yet. She just seems so acidy and gassy when she gets nauseous and it seems to be worse when we move her. Other than this Mom she is her happy self. Her feet are doing WONDERFUL!! She got her new dani, but hasn't been in it much. She got it the day before she started her 2nd round of temodar so for all of that week and a few days after she was too sick to really go in it. She had a good day yesterday so maybe today I can get her in it. I just need to do it and stay consistant with it! Bryson is doing good Mom, still sassy, but smart as a whip! Jarrod is just about thru his 2nd year of college and doing awesome as well. He's all moved back home for the summer...him and his dog Cub puppy! He's a little on the wild side, but with time I am sure he'll calm down and be a great dog! Well Mom, the kids are playing downstairs and I have tons of cleanup to do. I promise to not take as long between my visits here. I want to get out to the cemetery in another month and plant some flowers, I haven't been out there all winter. It's so much easier and comforting to me to just talk to you here, but I still want to keep up at the cemetery. you always did that for Dad and Grandma. I LOVE YOU MOM!!!! ((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES*******

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!! We would have celebrated your 80th birthday with you today Mom...and you certainly would have wished for us to just forget it! If you had the energy you had a few months before you left us Mom you certainly wouldn't have seemed 80! I miss you so much Mom! More and more with each day that passes! We all remembered your day today...I am sure not one of your kids forgot...not even Dave! Debbie would have came up to take you to the casino like she always did! I went the other day....Jarrod hooked me up to the roulette table, but as usual I lost! Taylor is doing good...hasn't been gaggy in almost a week and is back to eating and acting herself. Bry is the busy little 3 year old...has a sassy mouth though, nothing like Jarrod was at his age. I love you Mom, I'll write more later, (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES******

Hi Mom, well Taylor went to the Dr yesterday, Dr. C was happy with her overall. She's done with her 1st round of Temodar and he thinks she did good! Her counts are a little low, but holding on. Assuming they continue to hold their own Dr. C would like to do temodar every 3 weeks and vincristine every week. She's still gaggy though, which has me worried...especially if it is because of her tumor, which is what Dr C thinks. So if you could just help her along Mom...keep her strong and help the chemo stabalize and shrink her tumors. She's been gaggy for too long, I hate seeing her like this and I know you would hate it too! Bryson is doing good, getting big and oh so sassy! Dale is fencing in our yard the first of next week. It'll be so nice for the kids and the dogs! We've needed/wanted a fenced yard for a long time now! The weather will hopefully warm up here soon, today isn't bad but Monday it is suppose to snow! Can you believe it?? I am on vacation Mom...I took next week off! I am so stressed out, I NEED a week off! I didn't plan on getting paid for it, but all 3 of my families paid me anyhow, that was so nice of them! Makes me love taking care of their kids when I know how much they appreciate me! Well Mom, Bryson just woke up from his nap. I'll write more in a few days. I LOVE YOU!!! and MISS YOU VERY MUCH!!!!! (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES*******

The temodar is making her a little nauseous Mom. She did great with it the first day, but yesterday and today she's been quite nauseous and not wanting to eat. I'll have to really try and get some fluids/nutrition in her tomorrow. Tuesday is the last treatment for this first cycle, hopefully on Wednesday she'll start perking up. She'll get a 3 week break than go back to 5 more days of temodar. She did great with it the last time she took it, although I do remember she did have some problems here and there. Maybe next cycle we can make she she is pumped full of fluids and well nutritioned before we start. You were always so proud of how well she did, you always admired how strong she was...she is a strong little girl...she goes thru A LOT! I know you're watching over her Mom, you'll keep her safe and help her...help me get thru this! I miss you so much Mom...I wish you were here! I LOVE YOU!!!! (((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES*******

Taylor's MRI didn't come back as we had hoped it would Mom. Her tumor is showing some enhancement and a little growth. We had planned on starting a new drug, but with these results we decided to wait on the new drug and go back to the temodar/vincristine. Her dose is a little stronger this time, hopefully after 3 months of a little aggressive treatment we will see some improvement on the MRI. Maybe if that happens we'll substitute the interferon with the new drug. I don't know Mom...you always believed that things happen for a reason, maybe these results were a sign that we weren't suppose to start the new drug. I know you are watching over Little Taylor...I feel your presense often. She's strong and I know she'll do well on her chemo. We go back on Friday for counts and vincristine. I just gave her the first dose of temodar a couple hours ago. She'll get it for 5 days then 3 weeks off. She goes to the ENT on Tuesday for the second part of her tube placement. Her ear is starting to get infected again, so Dr C gave her an antibiotic. I LOVE AND MISS YOU MOM!!!!!! ((((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*******

Hi Mom, Taylor had her MRI yesterday, we will have the results on Friday when we go see Dr. C. He is also starting her on a new drug, I am excited about it as it has shown success in others who've tried it. The only bad thing is that is lowers her immune system. Probably a little more then the previous chemo she's been on, so we will really have to watch that and be careful! I had a dream about you the other night. You gave me a really big long hug! I told you how much I loved and missed you and how I wished you never would have left us, you told me you loved me too and that you knew how much I loved and missed you and that you didn't have a choice about leaving, it was something that 'happens'. It was really nice dreaming about you Mom, it helps me get thru! I can't believe we are coming on 2 years since you've been gone!! I remember it like it was yesterday! I still think about you every single day! I really think about you when we are at the hospital with Taylor! The weather started to get nice, we had a few days of warm weather now we are back to the cold stuff! I can't wait for spring to finally come. It's been such a cold winter! Debbie was up last week for a few days. She watched Taylor for us while we took Bryson to Chuckie cheese. It's hard to do that kind of stuff, you always kept Tay for us and I just don't have anyone else to do that for me, except for Debbie of course, so it was great timing that she came up! The kids are doing good Mom, Bry is getting so big! I miss you like crazy Mom and I love you!!! ((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES*******

We are home Mom, Taylor had her ear tube put in today. On Tuesday she was fitted for the outter part of the tube...the part that will hold her ear canal open so air can get in...this is also suppose to help with infection. Today the inner part of the tube was put in and she did great! It was an early day...had to be there at 6 AM, but I guess early is good...it got up home around noonish. I Love you Mom and I miss you more and more every day! Still need you...still not used to not having you. I guess that will always be! I LOVE YOU MOM!! ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES******

Hi Mom, well I took Taylor to the Dr on Friday and we ended up being admitted. Her ear was really infected! We came home yesterday but had to go back today to have her ear fitted for a special tube to help hold it open and then on Thursday they are going to put a ear tube in her left ear. I was so worried about her, she was so lethargic yesterday and last night and not eating anything at all. I got a few ounces in her thru her g-tube a little while ago but she lost most of it (threw it up). Right now she is laying in bed. She seems pretty alert and is taking some sips so hopefully things will improve, otherwise we could end up back in the hospital. Then to make matters more complicated Beanie left for FL this morning. I've been really upset with her Mom. Maybe I am realizing how much you did for me, I certainly know she could never come close to walking in your shoes. She just does not, will not watch my kids for me no matter what! The whole weekend I had Taylor in the hospital not one offer to come and take Bryson. You know he's never been to her house over night before! I know she always said "I am not a babysitting Grandma"...well I accepted that. YOU always watched my kids when I needed someone. Well then Braden came along and suddenly when he was 2 weeks old she became that babysitting Grandma...only never ever to my kids, still to this day her words "I am not a babysitting Grandma" apply to me. I don't know Mom...I guess it really really hurts my feelings because I have no one to help out in that area. It won't be long and Bryson will realize it...he'll realize that Braden goes over there all the time, even has his own room, clothes and toys there, but yet he doesn't have any of it. I don't know Mom...you were never like that, so maybe that makes it even harder on me. Anyhow, I love you Mom...I love you and miss you more than ever! I did have a dream about you in the hospital though...that was what I wished for! Then on Saturday evening in the hospital,I was laying in bed with Bryson (they moved us by the way...to a HUGE room...it was soooo nice. Bry and I had our own big bed...2 tvs..it was awesome) anyhow, all of a sudden I had this feeling over come me of your presence. I looked over at Taylor, that is where I just felt you were...watching over her. I don't know Mom..I just really really had a strong feeling of you being there! So I am sure you were...(((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES*******

I love and miss you Mom! Thinking about you a lot lately! I've been sick all week and it's sure been hard working, taking care of other people's kids and then taking care of my own kids. I know if you were here you'd be helping me out big time! You'd take Bry home with you so I could get some rest, you'd come over and help me with whatever I needed and you'd make sure I'd get my rest. You'd even make me a batch of your awesome chicken noodle soup! That was one thing we both seemed to do...take care of each other when one was sick. I guess the good benefit of us living so close to each other. Even though you'd be 80 years old...you'd have the energy of someone half that age! I seem to get stressed out a lot lately...and so easily. Every little thing seems to bother me. I try and think of you and how you'd always be the one with the smile on your face no matter how complicated things were. Sometimes it helps and then sometimes it just makes things worse because it makes me miss you even more! I think this wouldn't even be happening if I just had you here with me! I don't know Mom...I just REALLY REALLY miss you!! I sure could use a nice dream about you Mom! I LOVE YOU!!! (((((((HUGS))))))) ******KISSES******

Hi Mom, wow...didn't realize it's been 2 weeks since I wrote to you! Not a day goes by that I don't think about you though...that's for sure! I've been so sick this week. Can't remember ever being this sick! My temp was over 104 and even on motrin/tylenol I could only get it down to just under 103. Today I am feeling better though, temp is around 101, I think I'm pulling out of it! I sure wished you were here though, I know you would have taken Bry for a couple of nights, the evenings were the hardest part. He'd be good through the day when the kids were here, but come evening he expects me to play play play and when I lay around on the couch he REALLY would act up. Oh well...I made it through! Today we take Taylor to the dentist for her 6 month check-up. She's doing good Mom, Dr C wants to try a new drug on her. Only thing is it weakens the immune system, I know most chemo drugs do, but it just worries me. She never gets sick as it is and I just hate risking that! Hey, guess what....I've been talking to Sandy! She sounds great Mom! Hopefully we can stay in touch now that the ice has been broken! I talk to Richelle a lot thru email...she's doing good as are her kids! We are all doing good Mom, missing you like crazy of course. Still days I find it hard to believe all of this happened! Last night thinking about you made me cry! I don't know Mom...18 months later and it's still hard, I believe it always will be hard! I just look around and there's so much I wish you were here for, so much I feel you're missing! Well Bry is crying so I better go see what's up. I MISS YOU MOM....I LOVE YOU!!! ((((((HUGS)))))) *****KISSES*****

Hi Mom, sorry it's been so long. My computer has been down. All is good here. Bryson is finally well again, Jarrod has his good days and his bad ones. And Taylor is doing well too. She is over her cold! I had strep throat, but am better too. I tell you it was crazy around here with all of us sick! Bryson really had us worried because he was soooo sick! I even took his blood work to Dr C. His ped told us if it didn't go down they were referrring us to infectious disease so you can imagine how worried we were. Anyhow, he is good now....counts are coming down to normal! Macy and Duffle's pups are getting big! They are 5 weeks old now. I know if you were here I'd be giving you a pup. We are so attached to them we want to keep them close by so we can watch them grow up! The snow is almost gone and this week has been pretty mild! Now we deal with the yucky mud! Chad ended up with your house so we are all very greatful that it will remain in the family. I remember in my dream you told me to trust whatever happens. I think you knew it would come down to the nitty gritty but in the end would work out for the best....as it did! Well Mom, I'll write more again soon. I need to go check on those kids....Bryson is back to FULL energy level :o) You'd really get a kick out of him Mom. I was just telling that to Sharon the other day and she agreed! She comes once a month to clean for me and I LOVE IT!!! I LOVE YOU MOM and I MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY! Not a day goes by that I don't think of you!! ((((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES******

Me again Mom, well Bryson seems to be doing MUCH better, he goes back to the Dr today, he runs a low grade temp now and then,...still a little tired, but overall he is MUCH better than he was. However, Jarrod was dx'd with mono yesterday! With his age, I am afraid this will hit him much harder than it did Bryson! He goes to the Dr later today when I take Bry in! I just pray that Taylor doesn't get it! If you can put a word in for her Mom...she CAN'T get this!!! I miss you so much, I still think of you every single day! It seems like such a long time ago since I saw you last, I can't beleive it's been almost 1 1/2 years since we lost you! Bry still looks at your picture and says 'awwwww, Grandma'! I wish you could see him Mom, watch him grow up! I am sure we all feel the same way, we all wish you could watch your grand-kids and great-grand-kids grow up! I LOVE YOU MOM!!! (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES*******

Hey Mom, sorry it's been a while. Bryson has been sick...REALLY sick. I had him to the Dr 3 times and finally they dx'd him with Mono. They've never seen a kid so young with mono before, it doesn't happen very often. He has his good days and his bad days, then there are the REALLY bad days...all he does is cry, day and night. It's pretty exhausting on us all! Today he seems to be doing good! Don't know how much longer we...HE can take being sick. He is sooo pale! We go back to the Dr tomorrow for a check up. I'll update again later in the week. Taylor is doing well. Sure hope she doesn't come down with it. Her Dr said as long as she doesn't drink after him, share baths, towels or washclothes she should be ok! Well Mom he's wanting to go hold the puppies so while he's happy I'd better go entertain him. I LOVE YOU and I MISS YOU VERY MUCH!! ((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES********

Hey Mom, not much change around here. Macy Mae had her puppies! She had 4, 2 boys and 2 girls! They are adorable. The 2nd one...a girl, looks just like Duffle. I'd probably give her to you if you were here. I had to save her, she came out breech and wasn't moving...no signs of life at all. I had to rub her quite a bit and hard, I was about to give the poor little girl mouth to mouth and all of a sudden she made a peep and opened her mouth, I suctioned her out with a baby aspirator and kept rubbing her...finally she came around and almost a week later continues to be doing great! They were all pretty tiny, and it was quite the experience for me. I've never actually birthed puppies like that. Tay is still pretty gaggy and frankly I am getting sick of it! I hate watching her go thru that, I hate not knowing WHY! And I hate not being able to help her! We go back to Dr C on Friday and basically he has to do something, Dale and I have had enough! This has been going on for about 8 months now and we still don't have any answers...heck we aren't even a step closer to figuring this out than we were the day it started! Bry is doing good, he's pretty active though...a busy little guy! We all miss you Mom, it's so hard not having you here! I think about you every single day! I still dream about you and I sure love it! You always look good in my dreams...always seem happy so that makes me happy! I'll update again after we get back from the Dr on Friday! I LOVE YOU MOM!!!!! ((((((HUGS)))))) *****KISSES*****

Hi Mom, It has been such a long time since I have wrote to you. I finally have High speed internet with comcast so maybe I can write more often. Phone line is so slow and hard to get on line. Christmas and the New Year have gone by and it was so hard on me being at your house without you. The house inside looks a little different then when you where alive. The only thing that really bothers me is the dining room set is gone. I feel like you have been taken out of the house. One of the chairs is still there and I am not ready to part with it yet. I look at that chair and think of you. The dining room was the room you lived in. Everything revolved around the dining room even down to you opening your christmas presents. You where sitting in one of those chairs the last time I kissed you and told you I loved you before you went into the hospital. I am just so happy that I bought you something that you loved and injoyed so much. Maybe in time I will get over the dining room set being gone. Its just so hard on me when I am there because I am there 24 hours a day and looking in there and seeing it gone. Chad is buying the house and it should be his next month. He is so happy. He knows you and Dad loved that place. He will take good care of it and he will never forget you and Dad. He is paying quite a bit more then you owed but he does not care. He has to pay $27,000 and he is putting 10% down. He hopes to have it payed off in 5 years. He is making good money so he should. Well Mom I am going for today but I promise to write again real soon. With all my love Debbie

Happy New Year Mom! Another start of another year without you...still hard to believe! I miss you like crazy Mom!! Taylor had her Dr apt today, it went pretty good. She's still on the vincristine and he started her back up on decadron to see if it helps with the gagging. It is getting better but by no means is gone, she's getting gaggy about every 2-3 days. She actually got gaggy once yesterday and then once at clinic today. We go back in two weeks for a check up. Bry is doing good, he went with us. He's pretty good when we take him so for the last 4-5 months we've been taking him with. Macy Mae is about to give birth to her puppies!! Yep, Duff is finally gonna be a daddy!! They are going to be soooo cute, I can't wait for her to have them! Well Mom, sorry to make this short. I'll be back again in a couple days. I LOVE YOU MOM!!! ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES******

Wow...I just wrote to you and then lost it, so now I have to start over..UGH. Oh well...look at it this way, it keeps me here longer :o) Sorry I didn't stop by on Christmas, I thought about you all day! I think about you EVERY day! Not a day goes by...EVER that I don't think of you. I thought I was going to make it thru Christmas without crying and then just one minute before midnight tears came to my eyes. The day just wasn't the same without you Mom...No day is the same without you...life will never be the same Mom. I miss you soooo much!! Kids are doing good Mom, Jarrod is home on break, Bry just had his 3rd birthday, we had a party for him...Debbie was here and Shelley came down with the 3 little kids. It was nice! Tay is doing pretty good Mom, still gaggy, which is very frustrating. I just wish we'd find some answers about that! She goes to the Dr on Friday. Not sure if she'll get chemo or not, seeing how it didn't help this last month with the gagging I don't really see the point of it. We have TONS of snow Mom...kids have already missed 5 or 6 days of school. We just get snow storm after snow storm...kind of like it was when I was a kid! Devinne is here this week. She still likes to come up :o) She's here until Friday. I had a dream about you last night, you looked GREAT!! Don't remember a whole lot about it. Richelle was in it though :o) I LOVE YOU MOM!!!! AND I MISS YOU VERY MUCH!!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES******

Hi Mom, sorry it's been so long. I know you always hated that...hated when your kids would let so much time lapse between calling you. I guess it's just hard for me...I come here and don't see anyone else visiting you but me and it really hurts to see that. Tay's MRI/CT scan came back good, everything is stable but at the same time nothing unusual showed up and she is still gagging, so we still don't know what is wrong with her! She was in her standing dani today! You would have been so proud of her...she did so good!! I sure miss you Mom. I have a lot of dreams about you. It's kind of different now though. I'll wake up in the morning and remember that I had a dream about you but I won't remember what it was about...I'll have to think of it for awhile. I'll remember "I dreampt about you Mom". Then I'll smile to myself as I remember what it was about. Christmas is next week. Can you believe it! Another Christmas without you! I can't believe you've been gone for 16 months! 16 months today Mom!! Seems unreal. Funny thing happened though today. I picked up the phone to call someone and almost dialed 9673470..YOUR phone number! Not sure why that happened, I haven't been able to call you for over 16 months! Anyhow, the kids are doing great! Bry is getting so big. He is going to be so much fun for Christmas this year. He is really getting excited! I LOVE YOU and I MISS YOU!!!! ((((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES********

Hi Mom, sorry it's been so long. I know you always hated that...hated when your kids would let so much time lapse between calling you. I guess it's just hard for me...I come here and don't see anyone else visiting you but me and it really hurts to see that. Tay's MRI/CT scan came back good, everything is stable but at the same time nothing unusual showed up and she is still gagging, so we still don't know what is wrong with her! She was in her standing dani today! You would have been so proud of her...she did so good!! I sure miss you Mom. I have a lot of dreams about you. It's kind of different now though. I'll wake up in the morning and remember that I had a dream about you but I won't remember what it was about...I'll have to think of it for awhile. I'll remember "I dreampt about you Mom". Then I'll smile to myself as I remember what it was about. Christmas is next week. Can you believe it! Another Christmas without you! I can't believe you've been gone for 16 months! 16 months today Mom!! Seems unreal. Funny thing happened though today. I picked up the phone to call someone and almost dialed 9673470..YOUR phone number! Not sure why that happened, I haven't been able to call you for over 16 months! Anyhow, the kids are doing great! Bry is getting so big. He is going to be so much fun for Christmas this year. He is really getting excited! I LOVE YOU and I MISS YOU!!!! ((((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES********

Hi Mom, sorry it's been so long. I know you always hated that...hated when your kids would let so much time lapse between calling you. I guess it's just hard for me...I come here and don't see anyone else visiting you but me and it really hurts to see that. Tay's MRI/CT scan came back good, everything is stable but at the same time nothing unusual showed up and she is still gagging, so we still don't know what is wrong with her! She was in her standing dani today! You would have been so proud of her...she did so good!! I sure miss you Mom. I have a lot of dreams about you. It's kind of different now though. I'll wake up in the morning and remember that I had a dream about you but I won't remember what it was about...I'll have to think of it for awhile. I'll remember "I dreampt about you Mom". Then I'll smile to myself as I remember what it was about. Christmas is next week. Can you believe it! Another Christmas without you! I can't believe you've been gone for 16 months! 16 months today Mom!! Seems unreal. Funny thing happened though today. I picked up the phone to call someone and almost dialed 9673470..YOUR phone number! Not sure why that happened, I haven't been able to call you for over 16 months! Anyhow, the kids are doing great! Bry is getting so big. He is going to be so much fun for Christmas this year. He is really getting excited! I LOVE YOU and I MISS YOU!!!! ((((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES********

Another Thanksgiving came and went without you Mom. It seemed really different not going to your house on Thursday. First time I've ever did that. I didn't know Debbie was going to be up for Thanksgiving until the evening before so we didn't plan on going over. Dale and I went over a few days ago and brought some of your things over. I thought we had to clear everything out, so I had Dale bring a twin bed, dinning room table, end table, lamp and some other things I wanted. Then after I had it all set up Debbie calls and said Chad was buying the house. UGH, I felt bad about the stuff I had taken but soooo very happy that it was staying in the family after all. Debbie said to just keep everything, it wasn't a big deal. I like the reminder of you, that the things of your's I have in my house bring. It's just so hard to let go Mom, I miss you so much!! Bryson asked to see you again when we went over to your house yesterday. It's hard to see him call for you. I know you two would be super close if you were here. He's the kind of kid that would be coming over to spend the night with you. He'd LOVE the way you'd spoil him! He's a good kid Mom! Busy...but a good little boy! Tay is doing good too. She gets her ultra sound on Monday. The gagging/nausea is coming back. Not bad, but coming back. Time for more vincristine, or better yet, time to figure out what the problem is. Hopefully the tests she has scheduled for this coming week will find us some answers...and they will be simple and easy to fix! Jay has some great news to share. He will be wrestling for Central Michigan. The only kid in Chippewa hills history to every compete in a CMU or division I sport. He's sooooo excited. It's going to be a lot of work....they practice 7 days a week 2 x a day for 11 months out of the year! He's also made a decision on what his major/minor will be. He wants to be something that is similar to a physical therpist with a minor in health science. He'll rehabilitate like stroke patients, help people with weight loss...that sort of thing. He may work in a gym or hospital...he is really excited about it! It will take him another 5 years to complete, but at least he has a goal now. Well Mom, I'll update again in a few days, when I have some results about Tay. I LOVE YOU MOM!!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES******

Hi Mom, just sitting here thinking about you. Not a day goes by that I don't miss you or think about you! Hard to believe it's been over a year! It snowed out today, Dale took Bryson outside to play in it...he LOVED it! He always was an outdoor kid! Tay's doing good, still no gagging/nausea. She goes back to see Dr C next Monday and then she's having an ultrasound to see why she is getting so many urine infections. Then on Friday she goes for a CT scan and MRI. So the next week holds a lot for us/her. I know you'd be worried if you were here, you always worried about things like that, but at the same time you were our strength and support! I miss you so incredibly much Mom. Thanksgiving is this week. I guess we won't be having it at your house this year, probably never again actually. Nor will we see Christmas there again. I did go over and pick up all your decorations. I'll put them up here. I am sure Bryson will enjoy them...as will I. I picked up a few other things as well....just little things. I couldn't help thinking when I was over there if you were watching over. I took some of the pictures of the kids you had hanging up. I also took the frame I made for you last Christmas. Along with your turkey roaster we got you for Christmas...your last Christmas with us. Oh and 2 pillows and a blanket, I couldn't resist. You always had tons of pillows and I have very few. The big things Shelley and I are going to go thru this weekend. She is going to try and come down on Sunday. Paul is bringing her in his truck and Dale said they could use the trailer to take things back in. I guess waiting over a year to do all this was the better thing to do. While I still find it hard to believe that you are really gone the intial shock isn't there anymore. I guess I am realizing that you really aren't here with us, that you're not coming back. I still can't say it though Mom, I still can't bring the words to my lips. Not sure if I ever will be able to do that. Well Mom, I better sign off for now. I LOVE YOU!! I MISS YOU SO MUCH!! Oh something I forgot to tell you (I think) a month or so ago while we were at clinic the band Mercy Me they sing 'bring the rain' the song I have here on your website. They came to the hospital and a small group of us (Me, Beanie, Bry and Tay included) got to see them, they put on a little concert for us in the chapel. It was so cool...we loved it! You should have seen Tay....she just bee-bopped thru all the songs! I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU VERY MUCH!!! ((((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES******

Still no gagging or vomiting from Tay Mom, she's doing great since we started the chemo back up. Pretty strange huh? Most people get sick on chemo...of course she'd be the one and only who gets sick off it. Her feet are doing great! She doesn't mind her braces at all and they are so cute. I put cute little socks under them and when we take her out I have cute thick ones to go over it. I did find her some shoes at Old Navy that fit nicely over them so she can wear them too. Bryson grabbed your picture off the fridge yesterday and cried "I want THIS Grama". Then he stuck you back on the fridge. I know he remembers Mom! Hey, I made turkey noodle fudge today and later I am making chocolate fudge. You know how the kids LOVE the soup! Dale cooked a turkey yesterday so I used some of the leftover meat for soup. I always think of you when I make it! I made lasagna last week. I tell everyone when they say "that is the best lasagna"....that I was taught from the best...YOU!! I miss you so much Mom!! We have a little dusting of snow on the ground and it got down into the single digits last night. You wouldn't have liked that much. I know I sure don't!! Well Mom, I better go check on the kids. The holidays are again right around the corner. Another year without you :o( I MISS YOU MOM!! I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!! (((((HUGS))))) *******KISSES*****

Taylor started back on her vincristine chemo Wednesday and since then she hasn't thrown up once! Strange, but it is beginning to look like her throwing up was chemo related after all...and not because of being on chemo, but because of being off it! I don't know for sure Mom, but this is the longest she's went in a couple months without throwing up. It's been 3 days now! She also has a urinary tract infection so she is back on antibiotics. We go see DR C on Wednesday so we'll see what he has to say about all of this. Hey Mom, guess what she did yesterday?? She stood up for the very first time!!`She had her arms wrapped around Robin and was sitting on the coffee table, then she pulled herself into a standing position while her arms were wrapped around Robin. It was pretty awesome!! She has a new stander that should be ready next week. I can't wait to get her into it! She's come along way Mom, her feet look awesome and she acts like she is going to be happy to get in that upright standing position!! I miss you so much Mom, you'd be so happy and proud of her! I can just see the big smile you'd have on your face if you could only see her now! I LOVE YOU MOM!! I know you are looking down on her though...watching over her! I MISS YOU AND LOVE YOU VERY MUCH MOM!!! (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES******

Hi Mom, I am really thinking about you a lot lately. I've even dreampt about you the last 3 nights. I love to dream about you, it makes you feel close by! Taylor got her casts off and she is now in her cute little braces. You'd like them and be so proud of how well she tolerates them. She has to sleep in them at night, although I have given her a couple breaks. The Dr said that was ok to do from time to time. She was so happy to finally be able to get in the bath tub! I think I had her in there for over an hour the first time :o) She's still throwing up though Mom and no matter what we try nothing seems to stop it. Dr C started her on decadron (you took that while you were sick) it is suppose to get rid of the fluid that surrounds her brainstem tumor, well if that was what was making her nauseous the decadron would have taken away the nausea and we'd know it was the tumor and she'd have to go back on chemo. Well it helped a little I guess, so when I talked to Dr C on the phone last week he wants to start her back on chemo....one of them is called VP-16 that is also a chemo drug they were going to give you. I am not sure how comfortable I am about all this. We go to clinic tomorrow to talk about what kind of treatment to start her on. I'd just as well put her back on the temodar and vincristine...what she was on before. We know that worked and she tolerated it very well...but I also want what ever is going to work the best for her, so we'll see what his plan is tomorrow. Bry and Jay are doing good. Bryson is really growing up...changing from when you saw him last Mom. You'd really enjoy him Mom! Jarrod is doing well in school and working...you'd be proud of him too Mom! Man would you have loved the weather we had last week. It was about 70...amazing for November. This week however has been the typical 30's with snow. I think it got down in the teens last night. Normal November for you, I don't like it at all!! Well Mom, I'll update tomorrow when I get back from the Dr. I LOVE YOU!!! I MISS YOU!!!!!

Hi Mom, well Taylor gets her casts off tomorrow! I can't wait and I am sure she can't either! First thing we are going to do when we get home tomorrow is take a nice, long, hot bubble bath!! Bed bathing is really getting old! She also sees Dr. C tomorrow. It's only been 2 weeks, but with her gagging like she's been doing he wants to see her again. It's not getting any better Mom, she still throws up anywhere from 1-3 times a day and it's so hard on her! We took her off one of the meds they gave her and today has been better...so far no episodes, but to miss a day here and there has happened before so I am not thinking this is the end of it. I think I told you before, she's going to be a Dr for Halloween...Bryson is a dinosaur. I think I am going to let her wear her costume tomorrow, it's pretty comfortable so it won't bother her to be in it all day. I miss you Mom...I miss you sooo much! Holidays are once again right around the corner and another year without you. It's hard Mom...really hard! I think of you every single day and I miss you more than ever. I know you're looking over us...all of us. I feel you around me, it's just not the same though and I don't think I'll ever get used to it Mom! ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES******

Hey Mom, just wanted to stop by before my first aid class. I am renewing my license...what a pain! All the stuff you have to do know is soooo expensive and a lot of work! This morning around 9 ish, I looked at the clock as I was taking laundry out of the wash and thought to myself how you'd be pulling in soon if you were here. I miss you so much Mom, you'd like over a year later I'd get used to it, but not a bit! I don't think I'll ever get used to not having you here Mom! You were too much a part of me and all of who I am! Kids are doing good, Tay is still gaggy though, we can't seem to figure out why. Dr. C wants me to call him this week with an update and then he wants to see her again next week. I think he'll order more tests if we can't get the gaggying to stop, what he'll order I have no idea, we've done so much already! She acts fine, so that's good. Bry is as sassy as ever but we adore him sooooo much!! Jarrod is busy as usual with his new found freedom. He doesn't call or come home nearly as much as I'd like, you'd think I'd get used to that too, but I am not, I still miss him like crazy when he's not here. Well, Mom, I better go check on the kids. I LOVE YOU!!!!!! ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES*******

I saw your picture on the fridge this morning and my heart just sank. Over a year later and I still get the head rushes of you not being here, it's still soooo hard Mom, than part of me thinks 'this is not happening, all of this is one big bad dream, I'll wake up and you'll call, or pull in...something Mom!' I am making chicken noodle soup, well it's turkey noodle actually, but even that reminds me of you. I really really miss you Mom! I go over conversations we've had in my mind...just to hear your voice. Something will even happen in my life and I'll stop and think to myself what you would have said to me, what you would have done. Last night I had CPR, I had to let the little kids go home early, I thought to myself, if you were here you would have stayed late to take care of them, or you would have watched Little Taylor. Little things like that Mom, I think about that kind of stuff all the time. You were such a HUGE part of my simple day to day life. I LOVE YOU MOM!!!! Oh, I hear Bry getting up so I'm going to have to go for now, Tay did good at the Dr yesterday. She got her casts off so they could fit her for her braces, and then they put her casts back on for about 2 more weeks. She has one orange one and one black one for Halloween...she looks so cute! I LOVE AND MISS YOU MOM!!!! ((((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES******

Hi Mom, oh how I wish you were here! Yesterday Beanie stopped by and Bry was talking about you. I have your poem and picture on my side table. Anyhow Little Melinda asked Beanie why you don't come to Tammy's anymore. That really warmed my heart to know that she still remembers you, she has to in order to make the connection of you coming to my house! We just told her that you were in Heaven with her Daddy. Kids are doing fine Mom, Bryson is really into dinosaurs. He's out there eating chips watching a dinosaur movie now. Tay is doing pretty good too. She still gets gaggy, hopefully that will improve. Her casts are still on and we go on Tuesday to have her fitted for her braces. The weather is getting nice. As you would say this must be our indian summer approaching, as it is suppose to be in the low to mid 70's for the next week or so. I love you Mom!!! (((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES****** Becky has some news to share, I am sure she'll be by soon to tell you. Although I am sure you had to do with setting it all up so you already know this special news :o)

Thinking about you as always Mom, wishing you were here and even though it's been over a year it is still hard for me to believe. I thought about you the other day and it took my breath....realizing you are no longer here. I sure could use a hug right now Mom! Tay's doing pretty good I guess, she still gets gaggy almost every day and that really upsets me to not know what is wrong with her. She is on so many meds Mom, you would hate seeing me give all of them to her. Some make her tired, but that is getting better. Her little casts are really cute Mom, and she doesn't mind them at all. She can't rolly polly in bed, I am sure that bothers her. It's been 3 weeks now so we are 1/2 way there! Well Mom, I better go check on the kids. Bry and Jay are doing good. Bryson is getting so big! Jarrod is working hard and going to school. He doesn't come home too often, I miss him like crazy, but I suppose I am getting used to it. (((((HUGS)))))) *****KISSES******

Little Taylor is home Mom! We came home Friday evening! She's doing really good, on a lot of meds...too many...19 different ones, but at least they are helping with the gagging. We go back tomorrow for the final test, and the one I am sure will give us our answer! She's having a scope. Kind of like the one you had only hers will go down thru her esophogus to her tummy, where your's went the other way, down to your lungs. Her little feet are doing great! She looks so cute in her two little purple casts! You would have been so happy to see her come home, but this hospital stay I know would have been very hard on you. It was very frustrating on us all, to see her so sick and them not know what was/is wrong with her. She went so long without eating, just couldn't keep anything down. That was so hard to see. She got so weak! We had Bryson with us the whole time we were there and he did really good! Beanie stayed with us most of the time and Dale came up too when he had a day off. I miss you so much Mom, I thought about you a lot at the hospital. We'd go for walks by the heart center and it brought back so many memories! I love you Mom!! Thanks for watching over our Sweet Tay. Be with us tomorrow Mom...be with Little Taylor as she goes through this last test to help dx what is wrong with her. ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES*******

We are still in the hospital Mom, Taylor is doing ok...sleeps a lot and doesn't want to move those legs of hers when she is awake. She's not eating anything at all, but I guess that is a good thing seeing how her tummy or somewhere in there she is bleeding. Today at least is the first that we didn't get blood back from her belly, so hopefully that continues thru the rest of the day. They have her on a lot of meds to help with that. They also have her on zofran to help with the nausea and that too seems to be really helping! I am not sure yet when we get to bring her home, as soon as we get these other issues resolved I guess, which hopefully won't be that long. I have had Bryson here with me the whole time, but he sure has been a good boy!!! I closed my eyes the other night and I saw you smiling at me. I know you're looking over Taylor Mom, I just know you are and you'll help her thru this. So thank you Mom!! I love you so much Mom and I miss you like crazy!!! ((((HUGS))))))) ******KISSES*******

Well we are at the hospital Mom, Tay did amazing!! The Dr. told us it would be about a 5 hour surgery and only an hour or less into it, he called to say he was about finished! When he came out to talk to us he said in all of his 25 years he's never seen anything like it before, he was so shocked at what happened. All she needed was a simple tendon release without the tallas bone removal. Totally amazing Mom, but obvious that with the aid of God you were indeed watching over our Sweet Tay! She's resting comfortably right now. She needs morphine to keep her pain free, but that's ok, she does well with it. I love you so much Mom and I miss you like crazy!!! Thank you so much for helping us along today!!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Hi Mom, well as you would say "Taylor is one strong little girl"! She had her uper GI with no complaining at all and it came back perfectly normal!! Just as I was loading her in the car to come home she pooped...and she has been pooping like there is no tomorrow every since! She's doing great Mom, so i think maybe the surgery IS suppose to happen afterall. We will be admitted to the hospital on Tuesday morning and her surgery is scheduled for Wednesday morning. She needs you Mom, I NEED YOU....to look over her and give me a boost of strength as well. I am usually pretty good with these sort of things, but this has me a little nervous, I guess maybe because I 'know'. Usually with Tay we go into all her surgeries suddenly...not enough time for me to get nervous. This one has been planned for a while though. Anyhow Mom, just look over her...as I know you will. I miss you so much!! I LOVE YOU MOM!!!! (((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES*********

Hi Mom, Taylor goes tomorrow morning for her upper GI. I don't know...I just have this gut feeling they will admit her. I know her tummy is not right, she's just too constipated and nauseous every day. Oh how I wish you'd speak to me...give me some sort of sign. I am really thinking this foot surgery isn't suppose to happen. Every time we try to do it something comes up. I know if she has tummy issues they won't do it, I just can't imagine them doing a surgery when something else more serious is going on. She acts fine though Mom, other than being nauseous 1-2 times a day and severely constipated she really acts herself. I love you Mom and I do know that you really are looking over her. I just wish you were here Mom, I miss you so very much! I'll update again tomorrow when we get home unless they admit us. ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES********

Hi Mom, Tay went to see Dr C on Friday and he admitted her to the hospital. She's been having trouble pooping and has been gagging a lot lately. He ordered an x-ray and it looked concerning to him so he wanted her in the hospital overnight. They gave her IV fluids, antibiotics and some meds to help her poop. She came home on Saturday, but is still gaggy/nauseous. This has been going on for awhile now. She has surgery for her feet on the 17th so they are scheduling some other tests as well, but I am going to call tomorrow to let them know she is still gaggy and hopefully we can get the tests sooner. I know you'll look over her Mom. It just makes me nervous because she has been off chemo, it seems everytime we go off of chemo a 'surprise' happens, plus with the foot surgery coming up. The last 2 times we tried to do it a 'surprise' happened then too. I miss you so much Mom, I know if you were here, you'd kiss her and tell her she was going to be ok...that she is a very strong little girl. I miss you coming in the mornings and telling her how pretty she is and how good she smells. I miss everything about you Mom. You had a way of making things better just by being our Mom! I'll call Dr C first thing in the morning and write back what he says. I LOVE YOU MOM!!! *******KISSES******* ((((((HUGS))))))

Just me again Mom, I am still missing you very much! Hard to believe it's been over a year. I can still hear the sound of your voice and I so long to really really hear it, to have you sitting at my table talking to me. Tomorrow Tay goes to see Dr C. We hope to get a plan for her poor little head. The sore she has is really starting to worry me. It's just been there for way too long now. I am sure she'll end up with a skin graff. She goes in for her foot surgery in less than 2 weeks now. I am a little nervous about that too, but I know she has you watching over her. I just pray that the discomfort is to a minimum and that she stays the strong little girl that she is. We had the kids party last weekend. Debbie and Devinne came up and we really had a big turn out. The weather was really warm and I was able to spend a lot of time with her in the pool...she LOVES that so much and her days are numbered before it closes for the year! I MISS YOU MOM!!!! I LOVE YOU!!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Hi Mom, Richelle had her baby on Tuesday, a little girl, Brooklyn Faith, 9#'s 5 oz and 21" long. She sent me some pictures and she sure is cute...Richelle said she looks just like Emma did when she was born. Times like this Mom make me sad. You'd be so happy to have yet another Great-grand baby. That is what you lived for...your kids, grandkids and great-grandkids. Oh you would be loving all the tomatoes, green beans, red potatoes and corn on the cob we are getting from Beanie's garden. The corn is actually really good this year!! Not tough like the previous years, and tons of tomotoes Mom. You loved eating fresh tomato sandwiches. I miss you so much Mom, not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I can still hear the sound of your car coming down the road and pulling in my driveway. I can picture you and Bryson clapping together and him racing to the window to greet you. You'd always hug him first, then the other kids, and you'd always go over and see Sweet Tay...telling her you loved her and how pretty she was and how good she smelled. Sharon was here yesterday Mom, she cleaned my house for me. It so needed it, with all the kids and staying so late I hardly have time to do much of anything else. She thinks of you Mom, and you know what.....she quit smoking. Watching you go thru what you did was her cure Mom...she quit smoking on Sept 11 of last year. She said you'd be proud of her and I know you would! Debbie is coming up tomorrow and bringing Devinne. I sure miss her. I get attached to her when she stays with me during the summer. She's such a good kid! She really seems to like it here when she comes. It is suppose to be a nice weekend so hopefully we can swim all weekend long. Saturday is the kids birthday party. It looks like all the people that were invited are coming so we will have a houseful. It'll be another sad event without you though Mom. Even though this is the second birthday of Tay's and Jay's you'll miss it won't be the same. Life will never be the same without you Mom. I know though that you'll be watching down on us all. I love you Mom!! I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU!!!! (((((((HUGS))))))) ******KISSES********

Hi Mom, I am getting ready to take Tay to see Dr. Droste. I just wanted to tell you how much I love you! Yesterday was a difficult day for us all I am sure but I did stay strong. I know Mom, I know that you didn't leave us on her birthday to make us sad, but rather as a reminder that you will be watching over not only Sweet Tay, but us all. I know that Mom...especially now, the day after the one year mark. I feel a peace that is hard to explain. I am sure it is yet another gift from you. I know now that in my dreams about you, you are there to comfort me, to let me and all of us know that you do go on. We will one day all be together again, that I am sure of, YOU make me realize that day after day. You've given me so much Mom, you've taught me a lot. Your incredible love will live within me forever and ever. Losing you was the harderst thing I've ever been thru, but all the wonderful things, qualities, love you left me are by far the best! I LOVE YOU MOM!! I took pictures of all the kids at the cemetery yesterday. They each had a balloon they let off for you and I hung the letter I wrote to you along with my poem. We ordered pizza, had cake and took the kids swimming. Little Seth is such a cutie Mom. As you always told us "things happen for a reason". I certainly can see the 'reason'. Kelsey and Kaden are as usual so cute together. They get along so well...they are both getting so big Mom! All the Grandkids are getting big, as I am sure you know, as you look over each and every one of them! *******KISSES******* ((((((HUGS)))))))

Mom, one year ago today we all lost our mother. You are missed so much. You were such a good mother. I still want to pick up the phone and call you mom. One year has gone by, but it still seems like yesterday Lisa, Dylan and I came up to see you mom. You were very sick then. I knew it would be the last time I saw you and I know you also felt the same way. Mom it was so hard on both of us. We just didn't get to see each other that often. But mom we loved each other so much. Mom, I just wanted to let you know I called Tammy first to tell her I am going to be a grandmother again. Lisa is going to have another baby in April. Her and Boyd are so happy, and so am I. Amelia and her brother or sister will be the same age apart as Shelley's two kids Kelsey and Kaden, 19 months apart. Well school is suppose to start tomorrow but we have a tropical storm and they canceled school. Dylan is a little worried about starting high school. Dino and I told him he will be fine. Mom we all muss you so much. Love Becky, Dino and Dylan

One year ago today...Sweet Tay's 10th birthday, it was the early hours....around 2:30 AM. I slept in a recliner in your room next to your bed. You stirred and I jumped out of bed and ran to your side. "Are you ok Mom". You nod 'yes'. "Are you in any pain". You nod 'no'. "I love you Mom". And somewhere you find the breath to try and say it back, 'LUV'. Thru tears I tell you "Oh, Mom...it's ok, you don't have to say it, I know you love me". I hug you, hold your hand and just cry. I love you so much...watching you go thru this is like someone is slowly ripping my heart out of my chest and peeling the skin of my body...no pain is greater! You settle down and fall back asleep, those were the last words you spoke and the last time you were responsive. The next morning, I stand next to your hospital bed, watching you lie there lifeless....but looking very peaceful. You'd take slow breaths...about 5 or 6 per minute. We all knew what we had to do....what you were waiting for, so one by one we take turns. I hold your hand and tell you how much I love you, I thank you for all you'd given me. I tell you how I hope to be 1/2 the Mother to my kids that you are to your's. I then say to you... that it was 'ok' to leave us on Taylor's birthday, I tell you that could be our special sign, our sign that you would always look over her. Telling you goodbye and that it was 'ok' to die...was the hardest thing I've ever had to say!!! But I knew...I knew in my heart I needed to do it....for you, you needed to hear those words from all of your children, you loved us all so much, you needed to hear that we would be ok without you. You had done your job Mom, you loved us enough...so much that we could find the strength in our hearts to carry on...for you Mom, because we knew that is what you wanted us to do. Your memories and love would live within us...in our hearts. When the last of us had expressed our love...told our beloved Mother 'goodbye' your vitals dropped...very low. We all stood still, watching and crying. It was so very hard....losing the one you love more than life itself. Just when we thought you were gone, your vitals shot back up,....you were holding on, but why? Could it be because it was Sweet Tay's birthday and you didn't want to 'ruin' our day? We brought little Taylor in, she sang you a song...a song to her Grandma in her own little words. Everyone in the room was so very quiet and it took our breath away....it was so beautiful. We spent the rest of the day with you Mom...watching, stroking and just loving you...wishing none of this had every happened...wondering HOW it even happened....this fast. Then just 2 minutes before Sweet Tay's birthday was officially over...at 11:58 PM on August 18, 2007, You draw your last breath. I miss you Mom, more than any words could ever say! I miss you and love you with every breath I take! Every night in my dreams I see you. I feel you. That is how I know you go on. Far across the distance And spaces between us You have come to show you go on. Near, far, wherever you are I believe that the heart does go on Once more you open the door And you're here in my heart And my heart will go on and on I LOVE YOU MOM!! ******KISSES****** ((((((HUGS))))))

One year Mom, it is so hard to believe! Does it seem like a whole year has gone by since you left us to you? I miss you so very much! This time last year...at about this very moment we were all telling you how much we loved you and that it was 'ok'. I tell you Mom, that was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my whole life. Shelley is coming down today with her little kids. I am going to watch them this afternoon while she goes to work at the Mt. Pleasant office. I am sure they'll have fun swimming. Beanie is making Sweet Tay a birthday cake today...something you'd be doing if you were here. You were always the birthday cake maker. I bought her some perfume, I'll get her something more when we celebrate her's and J's birthdays on the traditional Labor Day weekend. I also got some goodie bags for the kids. I am sure they'll like that. After all the kids leave we are going to the cemetery. Let us feel your presence today Mom,...we all need some extra strength to get thru the day today. I love you Mom!!! I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU!!! ((((((HUGS))))))) ******KISSES******

I had another dream about you last night Mom. It was Taylor's birthday and you were sitting in the glider rocker at my house...in the kitchen. Debbie was sitting at the table. I saw you and asked Debbie if she could see you, she said 'no'. I asked you if you were ok and you said 'yes' then I asked you if you were eating ok and you said 'yes' than my last question...I asked you if you were smoking and you said 'nooooo Tammy'. I smiled, touched your hair, it was darker, with more curl and a little longer. I took your hand and placed it in Debbie's hand and she smiled...she could feel you, then she started telling you EVERYTHING! She was really happy to be able to 'feel' you and talk to you. Then I woke up. I miss you so much Mom! Beanie's been bringing us green beans and red potatoes from the garden and now the corn and tomatoes are coming in. I think 'oh how Mom would have LOVED these'!!! My day to day activites...the little things that happen, I still think of you and wonder how you would have liked them, how I wish you were here. Bry is soooo funny, I know you'd be taking him over to your house to spend the night and I know he'd go in a heartbeat! You'd love him Mom! Tay is doing good, she goes to Dr Droste on Tuesday. Jarrod is doing good too, he starts back to college soon. I love you Mom, thank you so much for your visit! It is so nice to be able to see you, touch you and talk to you in my dreams! I LOVE AND MISS YOU!!!!!! ******KISSES******* (((((((HUGS))))))))

I can't believe in a few short days it will be a year...a year since we lost you. It seems like it all just happened, then there are times that it seems forever since I saw you last. I didn't like this time last year Mom, we were preparing ourselves...preparing ourselves of losing you. I remember helping you take a bath at the hospital. I think it was at that moment that I realized how this sickness really snuck up on us. You were always so independent. YOU were the one to help me and this time...this ONE time you needed me to help you Mom. Do you remember when Shelley and I washed you hair? You were always so picky about your appearance and especially your hair, so we washed it for you and tried to pick it out...the best we could anyway. I also clipped your toenails for you. I remember you asking for that hotfudge sundae with no nuts and how I fed it to you....just a couple days before you passed away. That was the very last thing you ate. I was glad to get it for you and very honored to have been the one to feed it to you. I know how much you loved them Mom. I am missing you so much right now. It's really hard to even sit here and write to you. Shelley is coming down on Monday. I want to bring Taylor out to the cemetery too Mom, I know you'd want her to come too. She's doing good, I can't wait for her foot surgery to be done and over with. I am really nervous about all the after care she'll need and I hope she isn't in too much discomfort. I know in my heart though that she needs this surgery and if you were here you'd tell me, if my heart told me to do it...then to do it. You'd tell me that she's a tough little girl who's been thru much worse and that she'd be fine. I know you'll watch over her Mom, that is why you left us on her birthday...to remind us that you'd be her guardian Angel. I love you Mom and I miss you more than ever!!!! ******KISSES******* (((((((HUGS))))))))

Hi Mom, sorry it's been a while. It's just hard...this time of year and the one year mark being so close. I remember it like it was yesterday! Kids are doing good Mom, Bry is really growing up and he is finally starting to get along with the other kids. He still has his moments, but they are starting to become far and few now. Devinne is here with me this week, she's been a big help and Bryson just loves her to death! Tay had her Onc apt and her foot Dr apt. She is scheduled for surgery on her feet on Sept 17th...Sandy's birthday. It will be a pretty big surgery, she'll go in the hospital the night before, have the surgery early the next morning and be in the hospital for about 5 days. She'll have casts on each foot for 6 weeks then she'll get braces on them. The surgery will take a good 4 hours! I know you'll be watching over her though....like you always do. I miss you so much Mom! I had a dream about you last night. You came back and I was so happy to see you and happy that I saved your clothes so you had something to wear. Well Mom, Bry needs to go to bed, so I'll sign off for now. I promise to be back again real soon...I won't go as long as I did! I LOVE YOU!!! *******KISSES******** (((((((HUGS)))))))

Little Taylor's oral surgery went well Mom. You would have been so proud of her, she's a tough little girl. She had to have a EKG first. So we had to go over to the heart center...the area you were at, that was a little hard for me as it was close to a year ago when we were there with you. I tried to think good thoughts of you though. Her sugery started around 11:00 ish and last a good 2 2.5 hours. The Dr took out 2 bottom teeth and one baby molar. So she had some stitches in her mouth, but she sure didn't mind any of it. She was home later that night, drinking pediasure as if nothing happened. On Saturday and Sunday I took her in her pool and she was sooooo relaxed and happy! I miss you being her Mom, this is a hard time of year for us. We knew Mom...this time a year ago we all knew how sick you really were. Becky, Lisa and Dylan were making arrangements to fly up to spend some time with you. I can't imagine what you all were thinking. Did you all realize it would be the last time you saw each other? I just can't imagine having that feeling. Oh Mom, I am going to have to make this short...the kids are downstairs crying. That Bryson...I tell you. I wish you'd send me some sort of sign about what to do with him...he is just so mean to these kids. I can't seem to get thru to my little guy. You always had an answer for everything, so you'd be able to help I know! (((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES******* I'll be back later to chat some more Mom!

Hi Mom, I had a dream about you last night so I wanted to share it with the family. In my dream I saw you and called your name, you looked at me with the most beautiful smile and your hair was perfect. I asked you how you were doing and you said in a very happy voice that you were doing pretty good. I asked you if you were eating ok and you said you were eating good too. It wasn't a long dream, but it really left me feeling that you are completely happy, and doing wonderful! There was no sign of missing anyone in your voice, nor any sign of unhappiness or pain. You sounded WONDERFUL and for that I woke up happy. The dreams I have about you Mom really give me a sense of peace and I tell you Mom, losing you was/is so hard on me I really need that. I don't think I would be making it if you didn't stay close to me in that sense, I think maybe you know that and that is the reason for all my wonderful dreams you fill me with. Well I better go now Mom, it's early and kids will be arriving anytime now. I LOVE YOU MOM AND I MISS YOU!!! ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES*********

Hi Mom, the days really bring back memories, this time last year you were very sick,it was a year ago today that Beanie took you to her Dr and you had the CT scan done to reveal the horrible horrible news. I'll never forget that awful phone call Mom....the Dr's right to the point and very cold voice, the broken promise he made me! I miss you so very much, it is hard to believe a year has gone by. I can still hear your voice and I still know what you'd be doing if you were here. Today for example, it is really nice outside, you would be loving it and getting out to do some yard work. You'd be enjoying your summer off and getting ready to come back to work in late August too. Taylor goes in for her dental work on Friday. I took the day off and am planning on taking Bryson with us. She went in for her pysical yesterday, I just took her to our local Dr to save a trip to GR. I really like this Dr. He wants to do a EKG on Tay just because she's never had one...or at least not in several years. He thinks with all the times she is put under a EKG would be a good idea to make sure her heart hasn't been affected. I like his thoroughness Mom. Her head is still not healed up. It sure is taking its time healing. I can see that it looks some better but not a whole lot...not like I'd expect it should look by now. Bry is doing pretty good, although he has a nasty cough...kind of sounds like a seal. It's mostly thru the night and for about an hour after her gets up in the morning. He coughed so hard last night it made him throw up. I had some cough syrup so I slipped some in his apple juice this morning. I think I told you this already, but he was looking at your picture the other day and I asked him if you could hold him and he said yes. I think you and him would really be close if you were here. He'd be watching out the window for you every day and I am sure he'd want to spend the night at your house with you. Well Mom, I'll write more on Friday after Tay's dental work. I miss you more than ever Mom!! I LOVE YOU!!! ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES******

Hi Mom, well we went to the casino yesterday morning. Jarrod did pretty good. He came home with 70.00 to the good. He won 50 bucks off the nickle slots. I think some of your luck rubbed off on him. He won 50 bucks on one of his first few spins. He cashed out right away then I put in a 10 and we played off of that for a good 1/2 hour. I broke even so I didn't really lose...just had fun. I thought of you the entire time and I know you would have been with us if you were here. You would have hung with Jarrod and I. I miss you so much Mom, more than words could ever say! Taylor has her oral surgery on Friday. I know you will look over her. I think we are taking Bryson with us. He doesn't go to the Dr with us very often and I am taking that day off for daycare so I really don't want to leave him home. Grama Beanie and Daddy will be there to help so he should be fine. I bought some markers (oh I know what you are thinking, you never were a marker person) and crayons...he LOVES those. I also just made some playdough (you never liked that stuff either...lol) so those too will help keep him entertained. I bought Taylor a really cute backpack at walmart,I am going to grab one for Bryson too so he can put all his stuff in it for when we go somewhere. He's getting so big Mom, talking like crazy, doing great on the potty (except for pooping....he insists on having a diaper on when he has to do that) He is still a good eater and not very picky at all. I asked him if you could hold him this morning and he said 'yes'. I really believe he still remembers you, I sure hope so. I try to keep him well aware of you Mom, I talk about you and show him your picture all the time. Jarrod was home this weekend, he went back last night for a full work week. He's doing good, I am so proud of the tattoo he got in your honor/memory. I tell everyone about it. I can't wait for him to add your initials. Well Mom, I better go check on our sleeping Sweet Tay. She is doing so much better at sleeping thru the night, I am sure she will be waking up any time now. I LOVE YOU MOM!!! ((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES********

It's been 11 months today Mom, almost a year. I can't believe it. Times it feels like it was just yesterday, other times if feels like it's been forever ago. I was remembering this time last year. Last night, one year ago today, I had taken you into the ER in Lakeview because you just weren't getting any better. You were pretty weak so I put you in a wheel chair. They did several tests inclucing a chest x-ray and a head CT scan. All came back good. Your breathing was a little weak...pulse ox was only in the high 80'2- low 90's. The Dr gave you some breathing treatments and antibiotics. The chest x-ray showed bronchitis and the head CT scan was good. They said you'd be fine in a few days and sent us home. I went out to pull the van up close and the nurse wheeled you out. Before we even got out of the parking lot you said to me "Tammy, I am so glad they did all those tests, at least we know it isn't something bad like lung cancer". I brought you here and you spent the night in Bryson's room. I didn't sleep that well in case you needed me thru the night. I heard you wake up around 7 ish the next morning and I flew out of bed and there you were coming out of the bathroom. I asked you "How do you feel Mom". And you shook your head...'I feel pretty good'. I made you some coffee, and you stayed awhile before going home. I remember it like it was yesterday Mom, you just never got any better, the following week you went to Beanie's Dr and a CT scan that I insisted be done showed our worst nightmare to come true...a large tumor. I miss you so incredibly much Mom, it is so hard not having you here with us. The kids grow up without you, the days go by without you...life goes on without and it really sucks Mom. Sunday we are going to the casino. First time I've been there since you passed away. I can't really believe I am going, but something tells me to just go. Maybe I'll win big...nah, that'll never happen, you were always the lucky one. Well Mom, I need to go fix lunch for the kids. I LOVE YOU MOM!!!! I'll stop by the cemetery soon to check on your flowers. We've been lucky to have some good rain this summer so I haven't had to worry about watering them. I MISS YOU!!! ((((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Hi Mom, well this is officially the time, ONE YEAR ago, that you got sick. It's a hard time for all of us as the memories really flash back. I've never really forgot them though, I can't help to think of all the 'bad' things, they just don't seem to fade away just yet as people tell me they will. I miss you so much Mom! I'd give anything to have you back here with us...healthy though. I'd never wish you back sick. The kids are doing good Mom, Tay's MRI is still stable and Dr. C is very impressed with how she is coming along. She is a survior Mom, a survivor and fighter like you always said she was. Bry is potty trained too. Once in a while he'll ask to wear a diaper and at nap and night time I put one on him with all he drinks he needs one! Today is Dale's birthday, we are celebrating this weekend with a cookout and cake. He wants a pineapple upside down cake. You were always good at making those! Jarrod is working a lot and seems to like it. Classes start back up next month and he plans on working part time this year for some extra money that he will need. I still have the daycare going, not sure how well I like it, but I don't really have a choice, I have to work and make money and at the same time I need to be home with the kids...especially Sweet Tay. Your house issues are still a mess. If there is anything at all you can do to smooth things out Mom...PLEASE...we sure could us some smoothing out. I can't believe how nasty that bank has been. You are probably up there shaking your finger at them! Well Mom, I gotta go get Taylor ready for therapy. I LOVE YOU!!!!! ((((((HUGS)))))))*******KISSES******* PS. Jarrod got a tattoo on Monday, it is a cross with angel wings....represents you and he is adding your initials to it. I was sooooo proud of him! He misses you Mom, more than I realize

Hi Mom, I miss you so much! I just wanted to let you know all of us down here are doing fine. Dylan is working for Boyd this summer. It gives Dylan something to do instead of being on the computer all the time.He is making good money and putting it in his saving account.Amelia is 9 months old now and is something else. She is so cute mom, you would have just loved her. I went with Lisa & Boyd for her 9 month check-up. She weighs 18lbs & 12oz. She is crawling & pulling her self up. I think she will be a early walker. She also has 2 teeth on the bottom & is cutting the top two. Well mom my other two grandchildren are doing good too!! Brigham & Chasity went on vacation for 3 weeks to Tennessee to see some of there other family. Ryan almost didn't let them go, but I told him that is there other family. Ryan has the kids almost all the time now. He is the more stable parent. I know you would know what I am talking about mom. Chasity is potting trained now and talking real good. She still calls me maw. I asked Brigham what she call her grandma in Tennessee and he said grandma. Mom to her I am just Maw and she says MY MAW. Mom Chasity is special to me and so our my other grandchildren. You had so many more and now I know how you must have felt. I love you mom and miss you so much. Love Becky

Hi Mom, well we made it back from Traverse City. We had a good time, but it was a little hectic. A lot of people and not enough time. Shelley's house is really nice though, you'd like it. Princess Kelsey looked so pretty in her dress. The Blue Angels were really cool! LOUD LOUD, scared the tar out of Bryson, but Little Taylor didn't complain one bit. She did super great Mom! I thought about you a lot up there Mom, I know you would have been with us if you were here. You would have so loved to see Kelsey as a little princess! Hey, Tay's MRI came back looking really good! We go to clinic today for counts and so they can take another peek at her head. It's doing a little better I think, but not healing as fast as it should. We'll see what Dr. C says today. She's sleeping so much better since I started hydrating her thru the day. She's not pooping too well though, so I want to mention that to them as well. I miss you Mom...I miss you SOOOOO much! It was this time last year when you got sick, I am sure all of us are realizing that! I love you so much Mom, not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I will always think of you Mom, I will always think of you and miss you with all my heart! I LOVE YOU!! ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES********

It was 10 months on the 18th Mom and I missed it! I can't believe it. I think about you every single day. Guess I am just remembering that it is so close to the time you got sick and all this started I just forgot the 10 month mark. I do miss you Mom...more and more each day. It still seems unreal to me that you are gone and it certainly isn't getting any easier. Kids are doing ok, well Tay has a nasty scab on her head...right on her bald spot. The scab fell off and now it is all red and raw looking. She goes for blood work and her MRI on Tuesday so I'll have Dr C or whoever is there to look at it again. I feel so bad for her, but luckily she doesn't seem to be bothered by it. Bryson's potty training is coming along nicely. He's been doing really good these last couple days. Jarrod...well I don't see much of him. He doesn't make it home very often and when he is here I can tell he doesn't really want to be. He either brings someone with him or sleeps most of the time he is home. Daycare is getting old, I am just not into anymore. It is nothing like it used to be and I am having a hard time with you not being her Mom. You always kept my spirits up and things running smoothly. On Friday we are going to Traverse City for the Make A Wish air show of the Blue Angels. Shelley and her kids are going too and I think Debbie and Devinne are even going to go, so it should be a good time. I know if you were here, you'd be going for sure!! Today was pretty chilly out and the week isn't looking to be real warm. Probably the kind of weather you always liked...70's. Well Mom, I'll update again after Tay's MRI. I MISS YOU MOM!! I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES***** I don't see anyone writing much here anymore, but I know they think about you all the time Mom. I guess for me, talking to you here brings me some sort of comfort or peace...not sure exactly what it is. I just know it is something I need to do! LOVE YOU MOM!!!

Hi Mom, it's been a few days, but Tay had a couple Dr's apts so I thought I'd share with you. First apt was with Dr. Droste (not your fav I know)and she did awesome! He did one of his thorough exams and was able to get a very good look. He said her eyes are doing great and she does see some Mom! He was very impressed with his findings and Tay did so incrediably awesome! We go back in 2 months. August 19th...the day after the one year mark! Next apt was just for her g-tube. They fixed it...it was bleeding a lot and needed some work done to the granulation tissue. The dentist also called and she goes in on July 24th to have all the work done on her teeth. Can't wait for that...her teeth are so bad! I miss you very much Mom. I so wish you were physically here with us! I LOVE YOU!! I'll chat more later, Bry is out there doing who knows what so I better go check on him. I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU!!!!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES***** PS. Not that you need reminding, but tomorrow is Shelley's birthday! I missed Kadens on the 13th, you were always the one who'd remind me of all the birthdays!

Me again Mom, I am sure you already know this and are making sure everything is ok, but Shelley was at the Dr a couple weeks ago for a cyst on her neck. She says it's been there for about a year now, but hasn't given her any trouble up until a few weeks/month ago...it grew quite a bit in just two weeks and is painful. She went to the Dr and she told her it was an infected cyst, put her on antibiotics and said it should go back down again in a few days. Well it didn't, Shelley said it actually got a little worse, so she went back to the Dr and they did an ultrasound. Shelley said the radiologist told her it was not a cyst, that it was a solid mass. She goes to see a surgeon tomorrow (same day that Tay goes for chemo), so hopefully she'll find something out than. She is also having bad headaches. I am sure her 'mass' is nothing, those kind of things are typically painless when it is something 'bad', so when they hurt that is a good thing. Still...I am sure Shelley is worried. She'll have to most likely have it removed and biopsied. They biopsy all things they remove from a person (it is the law)So anyhow, if you could just send some extra strength to her. Let her know things will be just fine and that you're looking over her. Also, Mom she doesn't have any health insurance. So she is worried about that too. I love you Mom...and I miss you like crazy!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Hi Mom, today we celebrated Father's Day, it was nice. Sad without you here though...I know you would have came over for dinner. We took the kids swimming and they loved it. You should see Bryson in the pool. He has no fear at all and will jump right in and go under. Tay's doing pretty good. I had to take her in to the ER the other day. She has been bruising, gums bleeding and a nasty sore like bruise on the top of her head...right where her bald spot is. I have no clue how she got it or what it is. Her counts were good though so we'll see what Dr. C says when we go in for chemo on Tuesday. She's also a little gaggy and not eating that great. I hydrated her some today and I'll do the same tomorrow. She is sleeping better, so that is a good thing. I miss you so much Mom, We are getting so close to the year mark I can't believe it!! I can't believe you have been gone from us for that long! I have been dreaming about you a lot Mom, however I wake up and can't remember much about the dream...just that I dreampt about you. Last night I remmeber a little. We were all at your house...you too and you made room for all of us to stay. Sandy was there too, she said she was going to stay longer and that is all I remember. I love you Mom!! I'll talk to you again after Tay's chemo. I know you are looking over her Mom! I LOVE YOU and I MISS YOU VERY MUCH!!! ((((((HUGS)))))) *****KISSES****** Happy Father's Day to Dad!! PS. The two little decors we got for you that were stollen...Dad's garden, Mom's garden...I found at the Family Dollar in Stanton and I bought them. I'll put your name on them and take them out to the cemetery next time I go. It's sad that there are cruel people who would steal from a cemetery!

Just wanted to say how much I love and miss you Mom! Tonight Tay is wearing your shirt. The one she made for you that says "I love Grandma" and has a picture of her on it. You LOVED that shirt and wore it a lot. She has it quite stained from all the times she's wore it and drank her pediasure. I am afraid to bleach it because it might mess up the picture. We still love it though...and I love to have her wear it. It brings the two of you close and I feel like you are right there sleeping with her when she wears it. I think of you every day Mom! I miss you very much...I wonder what you are doing...thinking, feeling??? I wish I could see you Mom! I miss you!! Yesterday was Dave's birthday, I am sure he thought of you and missed your call so very much. You always called us on our birthdays...we all looked so forward to that Mom. I thought of that today, the sound of your voice when I would call you to make sure you were ok. It would ring...sometimes a few times "Hello" I can hear your voice now,... how you would say 'hello'. I would ask you what you were doing...oh how I miss that Mom, I miss talking to you, I miss hearing your voice (((((((HUGS))))))) *****KISSES******

I saw you in my dreams again last night Mom, can't remember much but the love and hugs we shared. I miss you so incredibly much Mom. Times it seems like you just left us and other times it seems like an eternity since you've been gone. I get all upset wondering if the fast decisions we had to make were the right ones. There are times I wish we never would have called in hospice, then I remember how sick you were...how your tumor was so affecting your breathing and the last thing I wanted...any of us wanted was for you to not be able to breath...to suffer, so maybe hospice and they way we did things were the right way. Oh I don't know Mom, it all happened so fast....too fast! I guess no matter how we did things, there would always be the 'what ifs'. It just wasn't fair, you were such a wonderful amazing Mom...grand mother...person! We all love and miss you more than ever. We always will Mom...you will live in our hearts forever and not a day will ever go by where I don't think of you! It's just so hard Mom, it is so hard not having you here with me, not seeing you, talking to you. My worst nightmare always was the day I'd lose you! I LOVE YOU MOM!!!! (((((HUGS)))))) *****KISSES*****

The auction for your house was today Mom, me, Debbie and Shelley went. The lawyer for the bank was there too. Like he told us, no one else showed up, so there was no worry about someone trying to buy it. He's pretty cool Mom, he even said he was the middle guy in all this...he felt bad that the bank put us thru all this. Anyhow, the plan is to redeem it in 6 months. If Chad can't get a loan we were just going to give Sweeney's the opportunity to buy it and Beanie jumped in and said we would do no such thing. She said SHE would buy the house and sell it to Chad on a land contract. I know she is doing this for you Mom, she knows the last thing in the world you'd want see happen is for your house to be gone. She promised you that she'd make sure your family was taken care of and she is doing just that. So that is the plan Mom, no matter what happens now, your house is and always will be safe and kept in the family. I had a dream about you last night, it has been awhile since I saw you. Not many words were spoken, I just hugged you and whispered in your ear how much I loved you and missed you. Tears came to your eyes, but at the same time you were happy. I know you wished you were physically here with us, but at the same time you are happy and free from all pain. You are with us in spirit and always will be. You know Travis is going thru some tough times right now and Debbie realized today that with him being in jail this may be how you are looking out for him and keeping him safe. I know too...that would be the way of you helping him. You always told me that the best way to help him would be if Debbie and Lee would just sit back and let his trouble face him. By them bailing him out every time wasn't helping him. Well they are letting him sit this one out by himself...so that I know is your way of helping him. You'll look out for him Mom...he was your very first Grandchild. You took care of him when he was a baby and watched him grow up. We all miss you Mom...so very very much! I feel your presence, I really do Mom, but it is no where close to you being here physically. I LOVE YOU MOM!!! I MISS YOU!!!! Tay's MRI is set for July 2nd. Her last day of school was today. Chris comes back the second week of July. We were talking about how we always used to hate seeing her come in the beginning...when Tay would cry so much with her. But later, when she got used to her, she LOVED for her to come...and so did you. You would sit back with a smile and watch her do her work. Tay misses you too Mom. I think there are times you visit her too....she'll giggle out of the clear blue about nothing in particular...so it has to be her Angel G-ma paying her a visit :o) I LOVE YOU MOM!! You are forever in my heart!

Hi Mom, tomorrow we go to court about your house. Don't worry...I am sure everything will work out. I am going to go into all of this 'trusting it', just like you told me to do. Debbie will be up sometime today and Shelley is coming down tomorrow. I was taking the kids for a walk yesterday and I thought of you. I was remembering when we were little kids and how you always took us to Halls lake to go swimming. You would sit on a blanket on the bank and watch us swim. You couldn't swim so we were only allowed to go to our chest. Then when we were done swimming we'd swing on the swings for awhile before it was time to go home. I remember you teaching me how to 'pump'. I also remember before I got my drivers license whenever we'd go to the store you would always let me drive on our road, I LOVED to do that. Today it is raining and Bry wanted to go outside. I remembered how we would always want to do the same thing and as long as it wasn't lightening out you would let us go out barefoot and stomp thru the puddles of water. All those simple little things that make a kid happy...you'd always let us do them. I miss you a lot Mom! We are getting to the point where a year ago all this started...you became sick. It is about this time last year when your voice started getting hoarse. If only I knew...if only I knew that was a sign of lung cancer I'd a taken you in that very day and you'd most likely be here with us right now. I am so sorry Mom! I wish I could go back and change all of this.I wish I could have made you better! I wish you were still here! I LOVE YOU MOM and I MISS YOU MORE THAN EVER!!!! (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES******

Just wanted to tell you again how much I love and miss you! The weather is beginning to get nicer, although the nights are pretty cold. We had Sweet Tay in her pool over the weekend. She loved it as usual! Bry loved it too, he stays in much longer this year than he did last year. He's not a bit afraid. Dale hopes to have him swimming on his own by the end of the swim season. Tay likes to float around listening to her music. We had some of the trees taken down that hang over it, so it is getting much more sun and won't get nearly as dirty as before. I wish you were here to see it...to see how big your grandkids are getting and to see the new ones that are being born. You always were proud of each and every one of them...of us Mom...your family. You were proud of us all! I sometimes wonder if God looks down on how much we all miss you, how much you were loved and wonders if maybe he made a mistake...maybe he should have left you here to stay with us...if he should have cured you. If love could have saved you Mom...you would have lived forever! I just miss you so much Mom, I think about you every single day and I wake up every single night thinking about you! The auction to your house is coming up. I sure hope things go smoothly and I hope the plan to redeem it sticks. This is all such a big mess that never should have happened in the first place. I LOVE YOU MOM!!! I MISS YOU SO VERY VERY MUCH!!!! ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES******

Hi Mom, Debbie and I went to the cemetery yesterday. We planted some flowers for you, it is looking really nice. A few of the things we got you for your birthday were stollen though. That was so sad and really made us mad how someone could do such a mean, heartless thing! I think Debbie was going to stop by and pick you up some more, if she doesn't than I will. I am going to mark them with a marker and put your name on them this time though. I am missing you so much Mom, it is so hard not having you here! You knew when you left us how hard it would be on us, and it isn't getting any easier! I am really having a hard time with daycare Mom, I just don't want to do it anymore. It isn't the same without you here, I can't take care of the kids nor do I have the patience with them like always did. Daycare was always something we did together...right from the start Mom. Well with the price of gas now Mom, it'd be hard for you to come over every day. Can you believe it is 4.18 a gallon!! It is crazy Mom!! I love you so very much Mom!! The kids are all doing well. Bry is doing so so on the potty. He has many accidents, but he goes many times in the potty as well. He'll get there. I LOVE YOU MOM!!! (((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES****

I love you Mom...missing you so much right now! Tay's apt for chemo and Dr Droste went well. Her counts were great and the ulcer in her eye continues to improve. He gave us another eye drop to help get rid of the scar. We go back in a month and if he can't get a good enough look he wants to do an exam in the hospital under a general. I am guessing this is what will happen. Her MRI is being scheduled for next month and then she has her dentist apt...which all the work she needs done will also be done in the hospital and then her foot surgery in Sept. So she has a lot of stuff coming up Mom. I know you will look over her and if you were her you'd hate to see her go thru so much but you'd tell her how strong she was! Debbie is coming up this weekend. We are going to work at your gravesite, we will try to make it look as beautiful as we can Mom. You loved your flowers so I want to get some real ones in there. I miss you so very much Mom and I would give anything to have you here right now! (((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES***** PS. Bry is wearing big boy pants. We bought some last night and so far he's doing pretty good. He's went on the potty several times already today and he's had 2 little accidents. Dale is really pushing the potty issue so I am pushing Bry a little harder than I did Jarrod. With J he pretty much trained himself just before her turned 2. Dale doesn't understand that every kid is different. He just thinks with Bry being 2 1/2 he should have been trained by now. I LOVE YOU!!

I am getting ready to take Taylor for her chemo Mom, I was thinking about you so I thought I'd write for a minute. Yes, I am still missing you like crazy Mom! Not a day goes by where I don't think about you. Wondering what you'd be doing, actually you'd be here right about now, taking care of the kids so I could take Sweet Tay. Or maybe I'd be taking you both Mom, remember how we planned on, if you needed chemo, you could go with Tay and you could both get it at the same time. I am glad you don't have to get chemo Mom, I know it would be much stronger than Tay's is and it would be hard on you, but I still wish you were here...I just miss you so much! Well Mom, I better finish getting ready. Jarrod started his new job last night. I am waiting to hear back from him about how it went. He is a direct care worker. He seems really excited about it! I LOVE YOU MOM!!!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Wow Mom, it has been 9 long months since we left you. That one year mark is getting so close and I am not looking forward to it. I am afraid of not being able to look back a year ago and know you were here with us. I am also afraid of the memories being so far away. I miss you so very much, that doesn't lessen at all! Today is Beanie's birthday, she is coming over for dinner after work. You would have came too Mom. I always had a birthday dinner for the two of you. She'd come for yours and you'd come for hers. She still has the bird you bought for her last year. Debbie is coming up this weekend, we are going to the cemetery and maybe do some more work there. It is looking so nice. I'll take pictures for Becky...I know she'd really like to see it. Lisa emailed me last week. She said they are hoping to come up this summer. I can't wait to see that baby girl! She is sooo cute Mom. You would be so looking forward to their visit. I love you Mom and I am missing you like crazy!!! ((((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES***** It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone For part of us went with you, the day God called you home. You left us peaceful memories, your love is still our guide; And though we can not see you, you are always at our side. Our family chain is broken and nothing seems the same, But as God calls us one by one, the chain will link again. I LOVE YOU MOM!!!

Went to the cemetery today Mom, Bryson helped me water your flowers. It looks very pretty. It'll look even better when we get all done with it. Bry doesn't understand where you are. He asks "where's gama at". I pointed to where your casket was and told him, then I told him you were up in Heaven so sometimes he will say "Gama in Heaven". Tay goes for chemo on Tuesday along with Dr Droste. I am hoping for more good news on her eyes. Hopefully things have cleared up. Yesterday morning she was laying in bed, it was around 7:30 and all of a sudden she just broke out in a laugh I've never heard before. Now, we've both heard her laugh, but this was hilarious! I thought for sure, 'you are there with her telling her some funny story or tickleing her like crazy'...something Mom, she was definitely laughing over something. Her music wasn't playing or anything. She laughed for so long and so loud she woke up Bryson. I miss you Mom!! I'll talk more later, I want to get some work done around here while Bry is still sleeping. I LOVE YOU!!!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Hi Mom, it's been a few days, but I haven't stopped thinking about you. Still missing you as much, if not more, than the day you left us. Weather is getting nicer and I know you'd be so happy to see your flowers and lawn needing mowed. I remember when you asked me "oh Tammy, do you think I'll ever be able to mow my lawn again"? I'll never forget that Mom! We are working on your grave site. I want it to look beautiful...like the person you were. I want it to be something you'd be proud of. I had Bryson in the ER last night. He was running a fever and threw up a few times. They dx'd him with fifth's disease, but I don't think that is what he had. You don't vomit with that and you also have cold symtoms. He didn't have those at all and he was vomiting. His face was red...that is why they thought it was fifth's disease, but his temp was almost 104 so that is why his little face was so read. Anyhow, he is better today...back to himself. He was so good though at the hospital. Such a sick little guy, he just layed there and let them do whatever they needed to do. Jarrod went with us and it wasn't long and Beanie showed up. She doesn't miss a thing Mom...looking after the kids as she told you she would. Bry saw your picture this morning and said "Grama". He still remembers you Mom. I am sure he wonders where you are and what happened. One day he will be old enough for me to tell him so he understands. I promise to keep your memory alive in him Mom. He may not 'remember' because he was so young but he sure will know the loving Grama you were and you will live in his heart forever. Tay is doing good. Not sleeping too well, but that comes and goes. She goes for chemo and Dr. Droste next week, on Tuesday. You would not believe the gas prices Mom...up to 4 bucks a gallon. It is unreal!! I don't go anywhere I don't HAVE to go. I've even started grocery shopping every other week instead of every week. It's just too expensive for gas to go to Big Rapids every week. It'd be hard on you Mom...all this gas and the horrible economy. I can't imagine you being able to afford to come over here every day. I sure miss you Mom and when 9 9:30 rolls around in the mornings I think how you'd be pulling in anytime if you were here. I LOVE YOU MOM!!!! (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES*****

Mom, Yesterday was Mothers Day without you. It was so hard on me and I just could not get onto your web site and write to you. Every thing that is happening right now is so nerve racking. The foreclosure of your home is making me a nervous reck. I just can't believe that it is happening. I have tried so hard to keep the house in the family and I pray that someone up there helps me solve this problem. I felt like I lost you Mom on Mothers Day. You where always there on that day. Whether it was on the phone or in person I could tell you Happy Mothers Day. Mom you will always be my mother. No one can take that away from me. I may not be able to see or touch you but I sure feel you in my heart. As I look at you in the pictures with your children, grandchildren and great grandchildren and see the love in your face. I will never forget that love. Mom I love you more then life itself. I hope you had a great day yesterday and everyday, and tell Dad, and grandma Hamilton that I love them. Tell Mamoo and Papoo that I love them to. Mom I pray that you are at peace and are watching over all of us. Love always, Debbie

Happy Mother's day mom. Today has been hard for all of your kids mom. Our mother is not here for us to tell her Happy Mother's Day. I miss you so much mom. Lisa,Boyd & Amelia came over. Lisa's first Mother's Day and my first Mother's Day without you. That was very hard on me today mom. Ryan,Christina,Brigham and Chasity came over later. Mom Ryan signed my card MY MA because Chasity always tells everyone that it's my MA That really made my day mom. I love and miss you so much mom. Love Becky

Happy Mother's Day Mom, your first in Heaven and our 1st without you. Today I went to the cemetery, I brought you a card from Jay, Tay and Bry and I brought you some flowers from me. They are pretty yellow, they looked nice and are also a plant so hopefully they will do good. I set them in the planter next to your headstone. I cried Mom, I just miss you so much and today was very hard. I am so glad we had our dinner yesterday, it gave me today with just Dale, and the kids, I needed that. I didn't want a bunch of people around asking me how I was. What kind of question is that anyhow? I really get sick of people telling me "You'll feel better in time, the first year is the hardest". Well maybe for them it was the hardest, but for me Mom, it will never be the same. They do not know how I feel, because they never had a Mom as wonderful as you! It will never be the same, the days, holidays, events...nothing will be the same without you here Mom, BUT...I do feel your strength and I KNOW you are helping me get thru all this and I WILL stay strong and love my kids just as you loved all of us! That is one gift you left me with Mom...the gift of YOUR love! Just like Sweet Tay...the strength and love she gives us! I love you Mom!!! I hope you have a wonderful beautiful day and I know you are surrouned by love and free from pain! (((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES********* Happy 1st Mother's Day in Heaven!

HI Mom, just wanted to say thanks for the hug last night! Two nights in a row...you must really know how much I need you right now! Could not ask for a better Mother's Day gift than that!! We are celebrating tonight at 6 PM. Hot dogs/burgers on the grill, cheesy potatoes, macaroni salad and dessert. I miss you so much and it is going to be soooo hard without you here, but the hugs I am getting from you Mom, they sure are helping! Last night my dream was about me walking into your house, you were standing in the hall, straightening up the pictures. I said "MOM" and you turned around with a big smile on your face and gave me the biggest hug!! I said 'come on Mom, lets go see the others, they need a hug too', you told to tell them to 'believe' and to pray and you will be able to come visit them too at night. I LOVE AND MISS YOU SO MUCH MOM!!! Thanks again for the hugs!! HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!!!!

Hey Gram, I dont have alot of time right now cause i'm getting ready to help mom clean the house :S but i just wanted to make sure I stopped by and said Happy Mothers Day! I love you Gram!

Things have been pretty hard Mom, between missing you and your house, I've been having a hard time sleeping and when I am awake, I am in a grouchy mood. I know Debbie is having the same problem, this thing with the bank and your house is really upsetting us both. I woke up thru the night last night...as I usually do and I cried just thinking about all of this. Remembering when you were with us, when you got sick, saying goodbye to you, your funeral. I remembered when Sandy told you "Mom, you were the most loved Mother in the world". And now Mom...you are the most loved Mother in Heaven. It kept going thru my mind how nasty the bank is being, you were always so faithful to them and now that you are gone they are basically stabbing you in the back and it hurts Mom. It hurts to see your name on the foreclosure list in the paper, all of what they are doing to you is killing us! So I asked you for some advice, just let us know what to do...what do YOU want us to do. I drifted back to sleep and starting dreaming. I saw Dad and I shouted "DAD"!! He turned and looked at me. I asked him "Did Mom come with you" and he slightly turned to the side holding out his arm and there you were, with that proud happy look on your face, you both looked awesome by the way! I ran to you, to give you a hug, stopping to ask if I could (part of me wondered if I'd go right thru you...lol) You hugged me and it sure felt wonderful!! I asked you about your house and you told me that you wished you could just go down there and pay it off for us, that is what you want us to do...pay it off and keep it in the family. After that was settled and before I woke up I asked you if you lived in a house and you said 'more like an apartment'. You were happy Mom...both you and Dad, and it was great seeing him too, although the only thing I said to him was "DID MOM COME WITH YOU". Guess I was so needing you at the moment. I miss you terribly Mom, Sunday is Mother's Day. Always know and remember...you are the best and most loved Mother in the world and in Heaven!! ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES********

Hi Mom, Debbie and I went to talk to the lawyer about your house yesterday. I guess we will move forward and let the forecloser happen, then buy it at the sale. Beanie has offered to buy it and sell it back to us. This is the only way to keep it out of probate. I tell you Mom, sitting back and watching this happen is HARD!! The thought of losing your house is almost like losing you all over again and it's tough Mom! I haven't slept a full night since I heard the news. I wake up around 2 and I am up the rest of the night. Even knowing that things will most likely work out, it's still in the back of my head 'what if they don't, what if we lose the house...YOUR house'. I know that is the last thing you'd want. I also remember the dream I had about you 3 months ago "Tammy, whatever happens with the house, trust it". I sure hope this is what you are talking about and that everything will be ok, you always said 'things happen for a reason'. Mother's Day is just a few days away Mom. We'd be planning our big Red Lobster feast. We made that a tradition a few years ago. Well, that tradition died when you did Mom, I can never go there for Mother's Day again...NO WAY!...not without you! I miss you so much Mom, I still cry for you, I still think about you ALL the time and reminders of what you would be doing, how you'd feel about something and what you were doing this time last year continue to be all around me! I LOVE YOU MOM!!!!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Well Mom, I have some really horrible news. I hate to even mention it here, it just makes me sick. The bank is foreclosing on your house. I do not see how they can...actually they can't so hopefully we can stop it. They are saying it is in default, but Mom...Debbie has made every single payment on or before the due date. There is no way it is in default. We are trying our best to see what is going on. This just has me sick!! I know in one of my dreams you told me to trust whatever happens, but I do not think you meant this. Well try Mom...we'll try to do whatever it takes to prevent this from happening. In other news...everyone is doing good. Tay is doing awesome! Lee and Chad brought over your recliner for her. I put it in Dale's living room so the daycare kids wouldn't romp all over it. She can enjoy it there Mom and she can snuggle with her Daddy in it too. Dale bought Bry a little hummer 12v truck today. He is charging it up right now so tomorrow it should be ready for him to ride. I am sure Bry will love it!! He sure loves sitting in it now. Just imagine what it will be like when it actually moves!! I miss you so much Mom, Mother's Day is coming and I am so not looking forward to it...especially with the house issue! Debbie and I will get to the cemetery this weekend. She is up for a few days or so. She is off until Tuesday so I am not sure how long she'll stay for. She too is sick over this whole thing. I feel bad for her because she has put so much money into thing...she even paid the taxes, and you know those aren't cheap! Lee and Chad raked your lawn so you'd be happy to have that chore done. Well Mom, Bry is wrecking this room so I better give him some attention. I LOVE YOU!! I MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY!!!!! (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES**** PS. Jarrod moves back home this weekend, so that is a good thing for me, maybe it will take my mind off things...for a little while anyhow!

Taylor goes back to the Dr this afternoon Mom, she has her ear appointment then we go to have her g-tube replaced, I can't wait to get that done, this one sure bleeds a lot and just looks really sore....poor girl, she doesn't complain though. Jarrod's last day of classes is on Friday, then he is moving back home for the summer. I can't wait!! It was hard not having him around...I am certainly not used to that, well I am not, but you know how I am with my kids...I want them around as much as possible! Anyhow, he's moving back home so that will help lift my spirits! Debbie came up this weekend Mom, she brought Devinne's baby sister. She's cute...looks a lot like Richelle did when she was a baby only R had more hair. We think you would have gotten close to her...because of how much she would have reminded you of Richelle. Richelle always meant so much to you and you two were soooo close. I know you thought of her as a daughter Mom, not that you don't love all your little Grand kids to death! Anyhow, the kids and I went over and spent the night with Debbie and the baby on Saturday. Little Taylor just LOVED it over there! She giggled and giggled, she knew right where she was and probably wondered what took me so long to take her over to your house! Bry asked where you were. I showed him your picture before we left so he knew which Grandma's we were going to, so when we got there he asked 'where's gama at?'. He LOVES Aunt Debbie too Mom, he follows her around every where she goes...talking a mile a minute! He's so different than Jarrod was, J was always shy, and Bry...well he is far from shy! Well Mom, I better go check on those kids, I'll talk more after Tay's appointments. I LOVE YOU MOM!! And I MISS YOU SOOOO VERY MUCH!!!! ((((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES*********

I was thinking about you so I thought I'd talk a while. The weather is still really nice. Bry loves to play outside! He's getting so big Mom, so much taller than Jarrod was at his age. He talks up a storm too! He says 'grama' when he sees your picture and loves to give you a big kiss. I remember how excited he'd get when you came over. He'd wave and clap his little hands at the window as you came in. You started him doing that...and he loved it! Tay has been sleeping pretty good this week. She goes back to the Dr on Tuesday, than that should catch us up for this month. I tell you with the price of gas, it isn't fun making all those trips! You'd HATE that Mom...gas prices were high when you left us, but I don't think they were pushing 4.00 a gallon! I am fixing some strawberry shortcake tonight, Bry loves it!! I use angel food cake, you always like it that way too. I've had a few dreams about you, but I am having a hard time remembering them. I just wake up knowing I drempt about you. I do remember asking you if it hurt or you wished we hadn't told you that you were going to die. I also remember the calmness and peace you gave me when you replied, I got the feeling that you were so at peace nothing else mattered and then we did the right thing and exactly what you had told us to do, so I hope Mom...I hope like crazy that is true, because I tell you, that bothers me! I guess if we hadn't told you, if we just let you pass without knowing, then that would be bothering me too. It's a no win situation. The fact that you left...it kills Mom!! I miss you so very much and it sure isn't getting easier!!! I LOVE YOU MOM!!! (((((((HUGS)))))) *****KISSES******

Hi Mom, we had a long day at clinic today. Tay did good though. She knew you had your arms wrapped around her. We changed her feeding tube and what a nightmare that was. They gave us the wrong size, only we didn't know it until we pulled the old on out and tried getting the new one in. It wouldn't go, things oozed all over the place. I couldn't get it in, the nurse couldn't get it in and Krista the PA couldn't get it in either, so we had to call the general surgeon PA in. We had to place a temporary cath in so the hole wouldn't close. The stomach heals VERY quick! We waited awhile and someone came up and we finally were able to get one in. It's a little smaller and not the rigth fit, so we have to go back next week for the right one. Tay hung in there though. Grandma Beanie on the other hand had to leave the room several times. I stuck by our girl though Mom...held her little hand and with you holding her too she did just fine!! Her counts were good and she got her chemo. Our next stop was Dr. Droste. Her eye is healing...it isn't all the way better but enough to drop the eye drops to only 2 x a day instead of 4 and we don't go back to see him until May 20th. He checked the pressure in her eyes and it was great in both eyes! She is now snuggling with her Daddy in bed. I am sure she'll sleep good tonight! Bry is watching scooby doo in his high chair. The weather sure is nice Mom. I think of you ALL THE TIME!! I know you'd be loving this nice weather and you'd be out in your lawn every chance you got! Mother's Day is right around the corner Mom...another hard event to get through! I LOVE YOU MOM!!! ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES******

8 months ago today Mom...hard to believe isn't it? I am sure to you time is standing still so it seems like only a split second has passed. That's a good thing I guess, if you have no sorrow, pain. This time last year Tay was in the hospital. She had exploratory surgery, her appendix removed and her shunt revised. You took care of all the little daycare kids and put in some pretty long hours. Who would have known what was brewing inside you. You seemed so healthy then. It's amazing how suddenly things can turn. If you were here today Mom, you'd be home working in your yard I am sure! It is absolutely beautiful out! You would have loved this day! I am sure your yard is a mess, you certainly wouldn't be too proud of it right now. Tay goes back to the Dr next week. We have a lot of visits over the next 2 weeks. She's doing fine though Mom...these are just routine visits, 2 with Dr Droste, to make sure her little eye is healing, 1 with her ear specialist and then the other is for chemo. I took her out yesterday for a swing ride. She was out pretty long. She did get a little 'gaggy' in her swing, but I think she may have gotten to warm and then the swinging motion on top of that...would have made me nauseous too. Bry LOVES it outside! He'd stay out all day long if we let him. Dale is good to take him out. He goes for walks and wagon rides with him. He just bought some sand to fill his sandbox with yesterday. He loves playing in there! Gets a mess though...oh well, he's washable. I miss you so much Mom! I sooo wish you were here!Mother's Day is next month. All these damn days/events to get thru!! I tell you Mom...it's a good thing I feel you around me like I do. I don't know if I could get thru them if I didn't!! I LOVE YOU!!!!!! (((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES*****

Well Mom, today was Tay's appointment with Dr. Droste. Last night as I layed in bed I prayed, I asked that you come with us to her Dr appointment today. I know how you always just hated to see her go for those appointments. You went with us to many of them and we all ended up leaving there with tears, it would upset her so...those exams. So I prayed for you to come with us today, and comfort her. I also asked for you to guide Dr. Droste with a gentle touch. He walked into our room....soooooo happy to see us and gave Sweet Tay a little 'hug'. He told us how happy he was to see us, then he noticed Tay's little CD player. She was on my lap and he knelt down next to her and sang 2 barney songs with her. He could not have been more 'gentle' Mom. He proceded to examine Tay...checked everything without her complaining one time! It was so incredible. I did leave teary eyed Mom, because I KNEW that you indeed DID come with us...you were holding her on your lap comforting her the entire time! Thank you so much Mom! He did find a ulcer in her left eye and rx'd her some meds for it. We go back in a week and then again a week after that to make sure it is going away. Another thing that happened, a few days ago I asked you in my prayers "Mom, do you see and hear what we write to you?" Well minutes after I asked you I received an email greeting card. It would not tell me who it was from. It said "I love what you say and do". So yes, Mom...I know who sent that. All the signs around me, I can see you without actually 'seeing' you. I feel your love all around! I MISS YOU though Mom...I MISS and I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!! Now I will pray for the others to feel your presence and see the signs as I do! ((((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

I let some balloons off for you today Mom...just a little while ago actually. I signed one from all your kids and another from all your grand kids, so you look for them. The grand kid one was determined to get to you, it went thru some trees and everything, couldn't believe it didn't get stuck! We miss you Mom!! Tay goes to Dr. Droste tomorrow, so I'll write again tomorrow evening. I LOVE YOU MOM!!!!! ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES******

Hi mom, Happy Birthday! I tried to write to you yesterday, but couldn't get on your site. I sure miss you mom, wish I could have called you on your Birthday. I still can't believe it will be 8 months soon since you left us. I miss talking to you mom to let you know how things are going down here. The kids all are going fine. I had Brigham & Chasity overnight on Saturday. They love to spend the night with us. Chasity is so at home here, she loves her ma & grandpa. She is starting to talk a lot better. Mom Amelia is doing great,she is getting so big. I went to the Dr. with her on Monday for her check-up. She weighs 16lb 5oz. Lisa started her on rice cereal. Lisa wanted to wait until she was 6 months old. Amelia is a little doll mom, so cute!! She also is sitting up and loves to jump in her jumper. Love and miss you mom, Becky

I am back Mom...just like I said I'd be. I didn't find any balloons today though, so that really depressed me. I am going to the dime store in Remus tomorrow though and buying some. Maybe that was how it was meant to be...who knows. Beanie and Dale came down for spaghetti and we had more cake. You should have seen Bryson. He ate like there was no tomorrow and boy did he make a mess! I took some pictures and I'll add them here in the next couple days. It ended up being a not too bad day. It was cold but at least it didn't rain all day. This week is suppose to get nicer. We went over to your house and it appears to have leaked right in the 'usual' place next to the slider where the recliner usually is. Hey good thing they swapped the recliner and couch around, or it would have leaked on Sweet Tay's recliner. I'll try getting it over here this spring/summer Mom. When the weather is back to being nice all the time. I picked up your mail as well. Not much there, some junk and bills I have to laugh at. You got a credit card settlement offer...they'll try anything Mom. Tay goes to Dr Droste (I know...not your favorite doctor), she really needs her little eyes to be assessed by him Mom, I know how you hated to see him examine her. Maybe you can guide him Mom...to be extra extra gentle and give little Tay some strength as well. She's doing good Mom, I took her with us over to your house and then to the cemetery. It was too cold though to get her out. Once it gets warmer out, I'll get her out and take some pictures of her visiting the cemetery. The flowers we planted are starting to peek up. Shelley's kids are doing good too Mom. Kelsey and Kaden as so good! We watched movies and played some video games last night. Lissy is growing right up, but skinny as a rail (she always has been though) Then there is the baby...what a cutie butt he is. He's not very big though...so short and tiny, but wow can he eat! I think after 1/2 a big jar of spaghetti, some fruit cocktail, 2 hotdogs and some chocolate cake Shelley gave up and stopped feeding him. His little tummy was rock hard! He's cute Mom...his little haircut makes him look just like big brother Kaden. Jarrod came home too Mom. I know it was hard for him to go to the cemetery but he went anyhow. It was hard on us all! I think I can pretty much speak for all of us Mom, the day we lost you almost 8 months ago was the most feared day of us all. The day we all dreaded to ever come and the worst day of our lives! I remember as a little girl, I'd lay in bed and pray for God to never take you from me. It hurts Mom...it really hurts and I miss you so very much! Not getting easier...maybe getting worse! Alright, enough of that talk. I know you want us to stay strong. I love you Mom!! I did have a dream about you last night...it was just a hug, but it was nice Mom! (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES******* PS. Oh and in that dream you said you gained 8 pounds...that's good Mom, because you lost quite a bit of weight while you were sick. You looked great by the way....so keep eating!! Night and I hope you had a super great birthday Mom! I LOVE YOU!!

Happy Birthday Mom!! Oh this is so hard, today Mom...your birthday! Every day is hard though, it seems I miss you more and more every day! You would have went to the casino this weekend with Debbie, you so loved that! I would have came over and brought you a cake. But instead, Shelley and I came over, went thru your mail, checked out your house and than visited you at the cemetery. It was hard Mom! All our kids were with us, we placed some little things by your casket. We'll spruce it up more later as the weather gets nicer. I went all over Remus looking for balloons but found NONE. I am hoping to Big Rapids today to find some and let them off for you. If I don't make it Mom, I will for sure do it tomorrow! That really means a lot to me! We had burgers and hot dogs on the grill and a chocolate birthday cake today with Jarrod, Shelley and her kids and in about 30 minutes Beanie and Dale will be down for spaghetti dinner and more cake. I split it up because the Jay and Shelley had to leave early and Beanie had to work early so we'll celebrate your birthday twice Mom. You would have been okay with that! I LOVE AND MISS YOU SO MUCH MOM!!! I wrote a poem for you and I will write to you again tonight before I go to bed. I need to dry my tears before the others get here ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES****** Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven Happy Birthday in Heaven Mom We're sure that it will be great Although you're not here with us Did you think that we'd forget? The party there will be grand we're sure With all your new Angel friends There will be cake, ice cream and presents galore In which we're sure, you'll just adore It won't be the same here without you Mom But we'll try not to shed our tears Instead we will remember you and all the wonderful years We'll bake a cake and buy some balloons We'll attach a note or two Then we'll take them out, let them go and they'll fly up to you! We love and miss you Mom, Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven! From all of us

Happy Birthday Mom, Today we should be going to the casino and having fun, but instead you will be having your first birthday in heaven with God. It seems so unfair that you had to leave us, but at least you we had time to tell you goodbye and tell you we would all be okay. I just did not think about all the holdiays and the birthdays that would go by without you by our side. I just could not go to your home today and celebrate your birthday. The pain is to deep for me to be there today. When I am there I hear you cough in bed then the patter of your feet going to the bathroom and then to the coffee pot you go and then to your chair, and as you set down you light up a cigerette and drink your coffee. I look at that chair and I wonder, are you setting there? Today would of been your lucky day at the casino Mom. I can feel it in my mind. Tammy and Shelley are coming to the cemetary today to visit and let off balloons. You would of enjoyed that. You loved life but you loved your family more. As I am writing this the tears start to fall because I miss and love you so much. I always said through out my life that I don't no what I would do when you died. The pain is so deep inside of me and I know a part of you is in me. You carried me and delivered me and left a part of you with me. Mom I just hope that today is as special for you as it was when you where with us. Mom, I love and miss you. Happy Birthday Love always Debbie

I didn't call Jay by 10AM Mom...whose he kidding, he isn't up at that hour...lol, but I emailed him by 10:30. I am so proud of him Mom, it took him a long time and I know now how hard it was for him to finally talk to you. Your birthday IS going to be hard Mom...on everyone, we miss you so incredibly much. You were the heart of us all Mom, we all revolved around you...you were our 'Queen' and living without you Mom...well we are all finding it hard. BUT, we do go on...because we KNOW that is what YOU would want us to do. I was so moved by what Jarrod wrote I brought Beanie in here to read it. She of course cried, she's never been able to see the pictures or hear the songs on your web page Mom, so with all that, and reading what Jarrod wrote, she hugged me and said she hoped when she passed away we would remember her like we remember you. I told her 'of course we will, but to not plan on leaving us ANY TIME SOON!!! I told her that seat up there...the one she told you to save, well I told her it wasn't ready yet! I love you Mom, the kids are all doing fine. Shelley and her kids are all coming down tomorrow. We will celebrate your birthday on Sunday and we will all go to the cemetery for the first time this year. WE LOVE AND MISS YOU MOM!!! Jarrod is so right, I do miss you like crazy and I love you more than anything!!! Losing you was by far the hardest thing I have ever had to face!!! ((((((HUGS)))))) ******KISSES*******

Hey Gram, its 5:35 in the morning on a "scoo" night and i cant sleep. I've been thinking about you on and off for about the past week now, but tonight really got to me. It took me forever to get on here, i had to dig through my inbox to find the link, and then i didnt have an account so i had to keep trying to guess mom's password so i could get on hers. it took me about a billion tries but then i think you finally helped me out and i got it :) Gosh gram i miss you so much. it hurts so bad. i know i dont visit on here very often, but i visit you in my heart everyday, you know that. I have a song that reminds me so much of you, i put it on all my cd's and everytime i hear it i look up at you and blow you a kiss. its one of those rap songs that you always thought i was crazy for listening to. Gosh gram as the days go by there just more and more that reminds me of you, i need the bottom of my jeans sewed, i seen a part of Dirty Dancing on tv the other day, and i made eggs for breakfast this morning...all of which made me think of you. i thought this was supposed to get easier, its only getting harder. were having your birthday dinner on sunday and i dont want to go at all. its going to be so hard, god i dont even want to think about it. and now i know moms gonna call me first thing in the morning to yell at me about it, but i know if you were here youd argue against her with me, and be on my side like always :) i bet she calls me by 10:00, i know she checks this all the time. i think that makes it hurt even worse. i see how much she writes on here, and how much she misses you, and how much she loves you. I see everyone write on here gram... mom, aunt shelly, lissy, aunt becky, aunt debbie. We all love you so much gram its crazy. i wish you were so i could tell you. its so weird not raking your yard this year, i wonder if mom will ask me to do it anyways. I remember you would always try to beat me to it and get it done before i had the chance, youd rake and mow all of remus if mom would let you, i dont know why but you loved it. gosh i just sit here and think about you and more and more things keep popping into my head, its like they'll never stop. i think i'll be able to sleep now though, so thanks for listening. i miss you so much gram its unreal. and i love you even more. Goodnight.

April 8th...Dad's birthday is today :o) Give him a big birthday hug from us Mom...if you can catch him. I remember the dream I had about you, the one where you told me "Tammy, you won't believe this place". Debbie asked you if you found Dad up there and you said "OH YEAH", then the feeling I got of him having the time of his life. It was a feeling of he is always on the go...busy busy busy, having fun fun fun. So, Mom...if he stops long enough, give him that birthday hug! We miss you so much Mom! I had another dream about you. I can't remember much about it though. I do know that in my dream I thought you were still alive, so I tried to find you to sign papers so we wouldn't have so much problems with your house, but then I saw you, lying in your casket, so I remembered that you had died. It wasn't a very happy dream like I usually have Mom. I don't think it meant anything, like the others do. This one was just that 'a dream', the other ones I've had are definitely you talking to me! I took Jarrod grocery shopping again last night. He sure seems to enjoy that. It is so funny to see him push his cart around and fill it with stuff he likes to eat. He seems to like breakfast stuff Mom. He bought some a couple bags of hashbrowns, 1 1/2 dz eggs, 2 lbs of bacon, some breakfast bowls, biscuits...just to name a few things. He says he saves so much money doing it this way. He never goes out for fast food anymore. So that is good, I am glad it helps him. Sunday is your birthday Mom, you'd always tell us to 'forget your birthday', but secretely I know you loved it...especially the casino part. You'd tell me "I bet Debbie comes up to take me to the casino" and sure enough, every year for quite a while now, she'd come up and off you two would go. You loved that more than anything Mom. I wonder if they have casino's in Heaven? I am sure you'll spend the day there if they do. I am fixing a birthday dinner on Sunday Mom, in honor of your birthday. (Well, Dale is doing the cooking) He's fixing this beef dish that is smoothered in gravy and onions then you put it over mashed potatoes. You would LOVE LOVE LOVE it!! It reminds me of liver and onions, only without the liver. It takes all day to cook too. Then I am going to bake a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting. That is the kind of cake you'd want. I am also going to the cemetery on Sunday, I want to get some helium balloons, write a message to you on them and let them fly away, so you look for our balloons Mom!! I miss you so much Mom, I wish you were here! Tell Dad I LOVE HIM TOO and happy birthday!!! I LOVE YOU ((((((HUGS)))))) *******KISSES********

Oh Mom, I forgot Becky's birthday! I can't believe I did that. Of all the years to forget...I know how hard it was for her to not get that phone call from you. You never forgot our birthday's and you always called us! We all miss you very much Mom. Your birthday is coming up real soon, that will be hard for us too Mom. Especially Debbie....she always took you to the casino. It's a nice day out today, I hope to get Sweet Tay out later. She has a new barney CD that she likes. It seems funny to see her listening to a completely different one, but she likes it Mom :o) I LOVE AND MISS YOU VERY MUCH MOM!!!! ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES*****

I just wanted to tell you I LOVE YOU and I MISS YOU very much!! It is suppose to be a beautiful weekend Mom! Sunday is calling for sunny and in the low 60's so we are planning on taking Little Taylor outside. Dale has her swing up. You always loved to see her get to go outside. I'll take pictures and post them here. I was wanting to wait until your birthday to go to the cemetery but I am not sure if I can wait that long. I am anxious to see if your flowers have come up yet. I miss you so much Mom!! Not a day goes by that I don't think of you! I feel your strength and presense with me though Mom, that is what keeps me strong and makes me able to go on, I know that is what you'd want all of us to do and I know that we will all be together again someday. (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Hi Mom, I forgot to mention, Tuesday while we were at clinic Chris (you remember Chris, she was one of your favorite people who worked with Tay at clinic) anyhow, she told us that Kristin...the PA. You've met her before too, she is a physican's assistant and has treated Tay several, she started working at clinic when Tay was just a baby. Well she had a baby boy in December...his name is Joey, a couple weeks ago she lost him to SIDS...he was only 3 months old, so very sad and something none of us down here will ever understand. He is up there with you Mom, so maybe rock and cuddle him extra special Mom...for all the excellent care that Kristin has always given Tay. I still haven't given Tay her sleep meds yet,I am not sure if I am even going to. I just hate to give her something to knock her out. I'll wait a bit longer and see what happens. Maybe as the weather is getting nicer and we get her outside more she'll sleep better. I miss you so much Mom!! I wish you were here, today would be a day you'd enjoy...it is sunny and warm, our snow is finally gone! I LOVE YOU MOM!!! You know that shirt that Tay made for you. The one with her picture that says I LOVE GRANDMA. Well she wears that Mom...I gave it to Tay and she wears it to bed a lot :o) (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES******

Hi Mom, Tay had chemo today. All her counts...everything was excellent!! Today was one of the best visits we've had in a long time. We saw Dr. Mitchell, I really like her, she is so nice. She tells us that Tay is much smarter than any of us think. She'd like to see her learn a few signs (sign language), she really believes Tay is capable of learning that and communicating with us better. We also talked about her lack of sleep. She told us to try to use some routine with Taylor, set a bedtime and a time for her music to go off, and not to turn it back on until a certain time in the morning. She said that we may have a few rough nights, but eventually Taylor will learn and adapt, making her sleep much better at night. She also rx'd us some medicine to help her sleep a little. So we may try it and see what happens. We talked to Dr C as well. He said her MRI was excellent. Her tumor has shrunk 1 mm, so that is AWESOME news!!! Dr. Mitchell told me that I was the best Mom she'd ever met. Well Mom you and I both know that YOU hold that title! YOU are by far the best Mom in the world!!...and I sure miss you. I was honored by her compliment but I learned from the best!!....YOU!! Thank you Mom, I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES******

Taylor goes for chemo today Mom. She's finally starting to feel herself again. She is sleeping some better too, although she was up a lot last night. Bry still has diarrhea but he's drinking a lot of juice so I am thinking that may be the reason. It is been raining the last couple days. The snow is almost gone. I wanted to go the cemetery the other day but I thought I'd wait until your birthday. The first time I go this year, I want to be on your birthday! I miss you so much Mom. Still hard to believe you are gone. I love you Mom ((((((HUGS)))))) *****KISSES*****

A Prayer Father, we come before you today with a great deal of sorrow. Inexpressible sadness. Yet we know that You understand. And even in the midst of this sorrow, I feel that I can speak for all of us in saying, "Thank You." Thank you for the life of Joan Hamilton. Her life was undeniably a gift from You. A life that touched many other lives. A life of hard work, sacrifice, and most of all love. Joan knew the value of family and treasured hers. So much so that even as a 78 year old widow, faced with advanced cancer, she was prepared to fight with all she had. This speaks of the kind of family relationships she had. She was welcomed and active in the lives of her children. She felt valued, loved, and cared for. And Lord, even though her life was taken before any of us were ready to let go, we must acknowledge what a truly good and precious gift her life was. And we do thank You for her. If Joan could speak to her family and loved ones today, I know she would want to tell them how much she loves them and how each of them blessed her life. Lord, she was pleased to be a mother, grandmother and great-grandmother. And I know that she would hope that through this time we would reach out to You and grow in our relationship with You - the Giver of life and blessings, comfort and hope. So I will pray, Lord, that You would draw each of us closer to You. Grant peace and comfort to all of us who are grieving the loss of Joan and bring Your healing into each life. We again thank you for her life, a life of giving, and the joy it brought to so many. We now entrust her to Your care, Lord. In Jesus name, Amen.

Hi Mom, I was playing with Bryson and saw your picture on the fridge and it sent me into tears. I just started thinking about how much we are missing you, the days we don't get to share anymore, your face, your voice, I MISS YOU MOM! I miss you so much! Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I can't believe it's been almost 8 months!! I do know one thing though Mom, we do connect, the dreams I have about you are real! I told Shelley, there is one thing I am absolutely sure of and that is my dreams...you come to me, you reach out to me in my dreams. For those who've never had a dream about someone who's passed away before, someone who has not experienced what I have, they have no idea! They are not like regular dreams, they are way more...they're different. Mom we were so close, we spent more time together and knew each other better than anyone so even death can't keep us apart. They're are two dreams in particular that really stick with me. The very first one I had. The one where you said to me "Tammy, can you believe how good I can talk"? You were so proud and yes Mom, your voice was absolutely perfect and beautiful. The other was when you said to me "Tammy, you won't believe this place". Something about how you said it. You were truely happy and I know Mom, one day we will ALL be together again. I know you're watching over all of us! I told Shelley what you wanted me to tell her, so she knows you are indeed taking care of Baby Seth and her other kids as well. We all miss you Mom. None of us were ready to say goodbye to you, but you know I don't think the day would have ever come when we would have been ready. I LOVE YOU MOM!!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Hi Mom I haven't visited you in a while and I'm very sorry. I miss you very much. The kids are good Seth finally started walking the other day. I was getting a little worried about him but I knew you would say "Shelley he will walk when he is ready". Tammy told me about her dream and I'm glad you are looking after me and the kids. I know you are and everything will be alright. The kids keep asking when they are going to be able to go to Grandma Joan's house and I tell them soon. It has been such a terrible winter and gas is so expensive right now $3.39 a gallon! You would just hate that but you never drove that much anyway. Easter wasn't the same this year. I just had Seth that day and we went to church with Paul and his parents. I got home around 2pm and just sat around pretty depressed. The kids were at Bob's and they came home that evening around 8 or so. I love you Mom and I promise to visit more often. Love you Shelley

I layed down with Bryson yesterday for his nap and I fell asleep. I had a dream about you Mom...it was a little confusing but I told Shelley what you wanted me to tell her. You said you were trying to get ahold of her but you couldn't so you told me to tell her not to worry, that you would take care of the baby. You were rocking him, loving every minute of it, and seemed pretty anxious that I tell her not to worry about the baby, you'd take care of him. I even said to you "Oh, Mom...you can't take care of the kids anymore" and you snapped back at me "Tammy, I can too". So I told her Mom, I told her not to worry. I think you even said for her to come down. I know she is thinking about moving down here, so maybe that is what you were talking about. Anyhow, I passed the message along to her Mom. I sure miss you! Your birthday is coming up. You always dreaded your birthday, but at the same time I know you liked being pampered. Debbie would always take you to the casino. I'd fix a dinner and cake for you. Last year on your birthday Tay went into the hospital. I fixed you a cake and lasagna but wasn't able to eat it with you. I never even got you a present. I was talking to Michelle about that and she told me I did too give you a present. Tay got better and was able to come home...that was the best present you'd ever ask for...and Mom, I know she is right! I LOVE YOU MOM!!!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES******

Bryson is sick with the flu Mom, I've bathed him, changed him twice and washed my sheets. He's got it bad! Tay is feeling better though and so am I. I hyrdrated her up good today and she is just now starting to act more herself. Hopefully Bry will get over it fast! He is fine after he throws up. Poor little guy! I took Jarrod grocery shopping this evening (before I knew Bry was sick) he was so happy, you'd think he won the lottery! We are suppose to get 1-2 inches of snow tonight then another storm on Thursday and Friday! I miss you Mom, I am going to have to call Beanie to come help tomorrow if Bry is still sick. Michelle has a dr appt so she won't be over at all. I know you'd be here in a heartbeat helping me with whatever I needed! You always were there for me and I miss you so incredibley much Mom! I LOVE YOU!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Dinner turned out pretty good Mom, even the deviled eggs I made. I just guessed at how you did it. I added some miracle whip, mustard and some sweet pickles. I mixed them all up and could almost hear you say 'Tammy, you need more miracle whip'. So I added more, they must have been pretty good, they got all ate up! The ham and cheesy potatoes turned out well too. The kids had fun today, Jarrod came over yesterday and spent the night. Bry and Tay did good too, I know they both miss you like crazy! Little Taylor really misses going to your house! I got to get over and bring the recliner over for her, at least she'll have a part of what she loved so much about your house with her all the time! I am starting to feel better. I took a nap with Bryson today. I think Tay is feeling better too. She is rocking with her daddy right now, and she hasn't been gaggy all day. It is snowing out Mom and it is suppose to be pretty nasty all week. I can not wait till spring and some nice weather! I love and miss you Mom!!! I hope you are up there having the time of your life, happier then you've ever ever been!! Happy Easter Mom! (((((((HUGS))))))) *****KISSES*****

Happy Easter Mom! I love and miss you very much! Bry woke up this morning and I asked him 'what does the Easter bunny bring?' and he said 'candy and toys'. So I said well lets go look and see, so off we went out into the dining room, his baskets were on the dining room table. Dale brough out Little Taylor. Bry saw his basket and just looked, then he climbed up to the table and started digging in. He got some bath toys so after a few bites of candy he was ready for a bath. He also got a squirt gun and he ran all over the house soaking us. Tay got a cute little pink outfit that says Baby Girl on it and comes with a skirt. And she also got some smell good stuff and some cute little sparkle finger nail polish. Jarrod got a basket full of candy and 20.00. I am taking him grocery shopping as well. I am fixing deviled eggs today with the left over Easter eggs and I just realized something...I do not know how to make them. I think I made them one other time and I called you for the directions. I am also not feeling that great today. I feel like I have/had or am getting the flu. It is almost nap time for Bryson, I'll lay down with him and hopefully a couple hours of sleep will perk me up. Dinner isn't until 6 tonight. I don't think Tay is feeling too well either, she's been nauseous the last 2 days and not eating like she normally does. So far this morning she hasn't tried to throw up so hopefully it is passing her. I'll gladly take her sickness if it makes her better! I LOVE YOU MOM!!!! ((((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES******

Tomorrow is Easter Mom and I miss you so! I bought a ham and am making cheesy potatoes and rolls. Dale and Beanie are coming over for dinner. Once again, Easter is a holiday we normally celebrated with you...at your house. You'd always get the little kids an Easter basket. They'd color egss and spend all day hiding and finding them. I haven't been to your house in a while. It still seems so different going there without you greeting me. Today is pretty nice out Mom, we lost a lot of our snow so now is the yuk, mud season. Kids are doing good Mom, little Taylor is still having a hard time sleeping at night though. Bry gets bigger every day and talks like crazy! He knows his ABC song...it is so cute. Well he is sleeping so I better get started cleaning house. I am not able to do much when he is awake...he is so busy and wants me right there with him. I LOVE YOU MOM!!!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES******

Hi Mom, it's been a few days. I meant to stop by yesterday. If I have my dates right, yesterday was your and Dad's anniversary? Wonder what you two did up there? I am sure you are having the time of your life every day! The weather is slowly starting to turn a little better. We still have snow on the ground but the signs of spring are starting to appear. I can't wait till I am able to visit the cemetery. The bulbs we planted last spring will make it really pretty. I am going to plant other flowers around it...just as you would like. We are still not sure what is going to happen with your house Mom. If you can pull any strings up there we sure need them pulled. However, like you told me in a dream, whatever happens for me to trust it...and I will Mom! Hey, guess what?? Richelle had her ultrasound on Monday, she called me...she is 16 1/2 weeks and is having a GIRL!!! But you probably already knew that huh? I LOVE AND MISS YOU MOM!!! I am cooking Easter dinner on Sunday, Beanie and Dale are coming over. I am inviting you too Mom...to be with us in spirit! ((((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Taylor's MRI came back no change...the tumors are stable. So that is a very good thing :o) Her daddy is rocking her right now. She's been up since early this morning,no nap, had a bath this evening and fell asleep in his arms around 9:30. Bry still gives you kisses every time he sees your picture. Little Alyson is coming over to spend the night tomorrow night Mom. I miss seeing her and can't wait for her to come over. Jarrod is coming home too. We are going to take Bry and Alyson to Burger King playland tomorrow night and then to a movie on Saturday. Gosh I sure hope Bryson can sit thru it. It is a cartoon "Horton sees a Whoo"...a Dr Seuss movie. I'll load him up with snacks and hopefully that'll be enough to keep his attention on the movie. I sure miss you Mom, there are times I just can't believe you are gone, then there are times that I really realize it. Last weekend we jumped our clocks ahead and next weekend is Easter. You always fixed the kids a little Easter basket. Last year Shelley's kids were here. Another holiday without you Mom...it's hard, every day is hard though. I LOVE YOU MOM!!! I do know, I know and believe with all my heart that you are in a much better place and happier than you've ever been before.You ARE with us in spirit....I can feel it and I am sure the others can/will too, they just need to learn how to see and feel your presence...and they will Mom...just keep sending those signs. I'll never forget the dream where you told me "You won't BELIEVE this place" ((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Tay had her MRI yesterday Mom, as usual she did GREAT! She's been having sleep issues though, hopefully she gets back on track soon, I am whipped from lack of sleep. I am going to call Dr. C today and see if he's had a change to look at her scans. While we were there yesterday we ran into Dr. Droste (eye Dr) or rather he ran into us. He saw us in the waiting room and came up to ask about Tay. Then when she was in the recovery room he saw us again and came over and took a peak at her. He wants to see her again so Tay's nurse is going to call and make her an appointment. When I called the soonest was July, so Dr. D said to have the nurse do it...she'd be able to get her in sooner. Her left eye has a scar on it so he wants some meds put in it, he told me what to get yesterday. Other than that Mom, everything is going well. I am sure Debbie will be up this weekend, Lee is up and Chad is on his way. I had to make Chad a dentist appt with my dentist. Suprisingly he was able to squeeze him in this afternoon. I think Chad will really like him, we sure do. I am FINALLY done with all my dental work. Sure took a long time! If feels good to be done though. you know how I HATE going to the dentist! Well Mom, I'll let you know how Tay's MRI comes out. I LOVE YOU and MISS YOU like crazy!! (((((HUGS))))) ****KISSES*****

I changed your background to a rainbow. Remember how when we go to FL, right before it is time to come home we always see a double rainbow, we'd take it as our sign that 'everything is going to be ok and we'll make it home safe'. I remember seeing the double rainbow at Becky's right in front of her house by the church. It was one of the times that you were with us. We even took a picture of it. This one on your web page reminded me of that...'you made it home safely', I never noticed it before when I set your page up. I miss you Mom! ((((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES***** PS. I talked to Shelley, kids are doing fine. Yesterday was Baby Seth's first birthday. She said he isn't walking yet...just taking a few steps. You'd tell her not to worry, that he'll walk when he is ready :o)

I love you Mom! I was playing with Bry in his closet last night and I came across the pad of paper you had in the hospital...the one you wrote things down on. I read it, and it sure hit me hard Mom. When I read the part 'am I gonna die', well it took my breath! I've read that a hundred times, but for some reason it really hit me hard. It's been almost 7 months and I am realizing now that you REALLY aren't here. You are missing the days we all live thru. Your grand kids growing up, the weather (that's one I am sure you don't mind missing at all) the holidays, birthdays and all the little things. It's hard Mom, it's hard here without you. I just never imagined this day coming...I don't think any of us did. I went to bed last night missing you and thinking of you. I cried like I did right after you died. I prayed so hard to just be able to see you in my dreams and thank G-d I was able to. I woke up a few times through-out the night but each time I fell back asleep I'd continue to dream about you. We were driving in the car, you were driving, I was admiring you...your face and just being with you. I asked you again 'Mom, I know you told me this before but were you 'ok' when you died, were you in any pain'? You told me 'yes...you were ok, and no you were not in any pain'. I said to you 'last time I asked you told me your throat was a little sore'. You said 'yeah, it was a little, but it isn't anymore'. I said 'well it was probably sore from the tubes down your throat' and you looked at me and said 'WHAT tubes?? There were tubes down my throat...there were no tubes down my throat Tammy'. I thought for a minute and said 'you're right, there weren't, you didn't want them', Then we went to the park. I had a baby...it was mine and it was a boy. No one, not even me knew I was having another baby. That part was wierd. I have no idea HOW I had another baby, but he was mine...and he sure looked like one of my kids. Tons of hair and cute cute!...lol. We took him to the park then later we went to a casino kind of thing, only it wasn't slot machines. We all sat in a room in chairs and were given cards that looked like bingo cards. They had numbers on the bottom and they called off the numbers, whoever matched them all won. They called off the first time and I didn't have my cards in time so I couldn't play. I helped you check your numbers, but no luck. The second time I had my cards and when they called off the numbers I WON!! Not sure how much I won, but I shared with you. The person who won before us won 1000 and it was shared between 3 people. I was the only winner this round so maybe we won $3000 Mom!!! Wouldn't that be nice!! There are other parts of my dream, but I just can't remember. Debbie was there I know, but I can't remember much about it. We all miss you so much Mom, Bry gives you kisses everytime I have your web page up. Tay goes for her MRI on Wednesday...I know I've already told you that. I LOVE YOU MOM!!!! I'll write again after Tay's MRI! (((((HUGS)))))) *****KISSES*******

Hi mom, still wanting to call you like always. Just wanted to let you know we are all doing good down here in FL. Dylan had his basketball game today and everyone game like always. Amelia was so cute mom, I was holding her and she just started jumping. Lisa said she has been jumping in her walker.(She has the same one that Debbie bought for Seth.)Chasity sure does love Amelia, she calls her baby and wants to touch her all the time.Mom we sure have had a lot of rain this winter, last night is was so windy it was hard to sleep. Today is cool high 60 and low tonight 40. For us that is cold. Nothing like in MI though! Sure miss you mom. Love you so much, Becky

Thinking about you Mom, I miss you A LOT...and I still cry for you. This time last year you were watching Sweet Tay. You were healthy and none of us knew what lied ahead. Things sure can happen fast, they can take a turn at any given moment Mom...as we all learned. I had a dream about you last night. I can't remember much about it. I had a dream a couple nights ago too. Debbie had bought you a bunch of food, your fridge was packed right full. You told me to take some home with me and I said 'oh Mom, I can't take your food, Debbie worked hard to get all this stuff for you, you'll eat it'. That was you though...always thinking of others. My dream last night, I remember how you were happy that you had gained back the weight you lost while you were sick. You were at your house...happy and eating. Can't remember much more than that though Mom. I slept really hard last night! Tay has been sleeping terrible lately and finally last night she slept real good! I think next weekend Debbie will be up. Hopefully your driveway melts some so the plow can get thru. It sure was a mess that day I went over! I bet your roof will need work on this spring though, all the snow and ice isn't good for any roof! Tay has her MRI on Wednesday, if you can pull any strings up there Mom, please let the results be very good! I love and miss you very much!! Richelle goes to the Dr the same day as Tay's MRI. I let her use my doppler, you know the heartbeat thingy I had for Bry. She picked up the heartbeat already :o)....so that is very good news! LOVE YOU!! ((((HUGS)))) *****KISSES***** PS. We change our clocks back this weekend Mom, can you believe that?? MARCH...not April like it always has been!

Good morning Mom, Sorry I didn't update the other day when we got back from the Dr. All is well though. Tay did good, she even gained a couple pounds. Her counts looked great! She also went to the foot Dr. The surgery will be scheduled for sometime in September. They will do the talectomy, which is where they take a piece of her bone out on both feet so it can stretch down to a normal position. The surgery will last a good 5 hours and she will be in a cast for 6 weeks, then she'll be in a brace off and on throughout the day and night. It's a pretty big surgery, she'll be in the hospital for a few days at least. He's going to talk to Dr C and make sure things are good with him, he may want only one foot done at a time so she isn't under so long (it takes a good 2-2 1/2 hours for each foot) She hasn't been sleeping good at all, but finally last night she did better. I got her little butt up early yesterday than didn't allow her to take her little afternoon or evening nap, that helped a lot, plus I gave her a bath and filled her tummy full of pediasure right before bed...that helped too. I was doing her hair yesterday morning and she just cried. I felt bad and immediately thought of you. I told Tay, "if Gram was here she'd make Mommy stop, she HATED to see you cry". I remember when you'd watch her for us overnight. I'd come to pick her up....you always took such EXCELLENT care of her...I never worried a bit when you watched her. But her hair...you never did her hair because you didn't want to upset her. So you'd just pull it back the best you could. She misses you Mom...I know she does. You and her were so very close! She was your 'little Taylor' :o) Bry just got up Mom, so I'll have to write more later. He's a mommy hold you boy when he first gets up. I miss you so much Mom!! (((((HUGS))))) ******KISSES******

Hi Mom, well I see Lissy stopped by, so now I have tears in my eyes. The bushel and a peck thing got to me I guess. I remember how you always sang that to her. Then she wrote it on the dry erase board in your hospital room. I remember seeing it and asking you who wrote it, and you said Lissy did, it made you smile. You were so happy that Bob brought her down to see you that day. You and her were always close, just another one of those 'special' bonds you had with one of your grandchildren. The weather here is yuk out, no school again today. The rain really iced up the side roads. We are suppose to get a couple inches of snow so hopefully it give them a little traction so they can have school tomorrow. This winter has been the worst I've seen since I was a kid Mom. Speaking of...the kids are doing good! Tay goes for chemo and the foot Dr tomorrow. Her MRI is next week. This will be the first one since she stopped the temodar. I am a little nervous. Hopefully everything looks good and she can continue to stay off of it for a while longer. Her counts haven't been that good, so we don't want her on too much. Her little bone marrow needs some time to heal. Jarrod spent the night last night. He's on spring break. He only has about 2 months of school left. He's doing much better this semester. He'll be back to spend the night on Wednesday. Debbie will be up in a couple weeks. Hopefully most of the snow will be gone by than and we can get over to the cemetery. I miss you so much Mom. I was watching TV with Bry this morning and we saw fireworks on a commercial or something we were watching. It made me realize, you won't be here to watch them with us this year. You, Debbie and Devinne have been going with us for a long time now. I miss you so much Mom, it still isn't getting any easier! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Hey grandma this is the first time I've ever really been on your website and well...i'm sorry. I miss you SOO much. Quite a few times I have picked up the phone and dialed your number but then I catch myself...I guess it all is just beginning to sink in. Everything is great here with the horses and all. Kobe went to a good new home...hehe I know that he was definently your most favorite dog to babysit =D Well I love you grandma and I will write you again soon. P.S. I love you a buschel and a peck, a buschel and a peck, and a hug around the neck!!! -Alyssa

We got our Explorer back Mom. It was in the remote starter. The computer was having a hard time recognizing it and responded as if someone was trying to 'steal' it, so the whole thing shut itself down and in the process blew a fuse so that is why it wouldn't restart 20 minutes later. Anyhow they said it is fixed, hopefully they are right. If it happens again I am going to request a different vehicle. It is terrible to break down in brand new vehicle...that is the reason for buying something new...so you don't have that worry. Tay went in for blood last night, I am sure all is well with that. She's been acting great! Her sleeping habits on the other hand aren't so great. Last night wasn't too bad. I kept her up all day, and then bathed her right before bed. Bry is still going thru a little seperation anxiety but it is getting better. Jarrod is on spring break all next week, not sure what his 'big plans' are but I am sure he'll find something fun to do. He has to go to the Palace for State wrestling with the team today thru Saturday and than again next Thursday-Saturday, so he will really only have a few days to do something. Well Mom, Bry is into something so I better get out there. I love and miss you very much!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES****** PS. It is snowing once again, we are suppose to get around 4-6 inches and than 2 more storms for next week. Rain the beginning of the week and snow in the middle of the week. You would so be hating this weather!

Has it really been a week since I wrote to you Mom? I am so sorry! It has been so hectic and busy here. We've been looking into getting a new car and today we finally did. It is a 2008 Ford Explorer. You'd love it! We needed to get into something new. The van had about 80,000 miles on it and everything was starting to go wrong with it. Ford had some really good incentive offers on their explorers so we went with that. I guess the whole process of finally doing it has really stressed me out. I think of you all the time Mom and I miss you terribly! I was remembering how you loved to watch Tay and how this time last year she spent a couple nights with you while we went to Jarrod's state wrestling meets. You LOVED having her and she loved being with you. I didn't worry one bit when she was with you. You always took excellent care of her. At the end of wrestling season you told her she'd have to still come over to spend the night, that you two had a good time together. You enjoyed her company.I know if you were here you'd watch her for us this weekend and we'd go to team state. There is no way I could go this time though...without you here for Tay, there is no one to keep her overnight. No one compares to you Mom. At least Jarrod isn't wrestling. He's a coach for them though...so he'll be going. He's doing really good in college. He just stopped by tonight, he said he's going to stop by for the day on Sunday. Oh, I went over to your house to pick up the mail and check on things. You had mail, a few bills (yep, even though your not here you still get them) and some junk mail (you get that too) your driveway was a joke. How in the world anything is going to get thru to plow it I have no clue! Your back garage door was frozen shut and I had a time getting in. Finally when I did the key you keep in the 'secret spot' wasn't there. I looked and looked and couldn't find it. I was just about to give up and leave and there it was. Debbie must have moved it. Anyhow, I made it inside and everything was fine. I ran the water and flushed the toilet. I went into your room of course. I hate going over there Mom...it is so hard on me without you there! It's easier when Debbie is there, but when it is just me...it's hard! Well, I guess I better tell you a little more of the 'new car' story. I was going to keep quiet but Dale said I should tell you...he said you'd get a kick out of it. Anyhow, it came with a remote start. I had to take Tay in for blood work this evening so I used my remote start. It worked fine, we loaded up the kids. I climbed in (I haven't even drove it yet Mom...this would have been my first time)I put the key in the ignition, adjusted my seat, put on my seat belt and turned on the lights and that is when everything shut right down and it hasn't came on since. We called the dealership and they are sending a tow truck first thing in the morning. So we have a brand stinking new SUV and it doesn't 'work'. Only has 50 miles on it. So, hopefully they'll have it back to us tomorrow evening so I can take Tay in for blood work. I guess we are lucky it happened at the start of our trip instead of the middle of it. At least our new vehicle didn't leave us stranded. Well I better get the kids ready for bed Mom. I LOVE YOU!! It is time for you to visit me in my dreams Mom...haven't had one in a while. I really really miss you!!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES***** Tay and Bry send there love!!! So does Duffle :o) He still gets on the table and I still can hear you tell him to get off.

Hi Mom, today is Dylan's 14th birthday. Sure miss you calling him like you always did. He said he had a good day. Ryan and Lisa bought him new shoes for basketball.Dino and I bought him clothes. Lisa,Boyd,Amelia,Ryan,Christina,Brigham and Chasity came over for cake and ice cream. The kids are doing good mom. Amelia had her ears pierced last Sunday and she looks so cute!! She is getting so big mom. Lisa and Boyd are so good with her. Chasity was real fussy,she is getting her molars in and they are causing her a lot of pain. I felt so bad for her. She just wanted a lot of TLC. Love and miss you mom. Becky

The kids appointments went well Mom. Bry is fine...no worries the Dr said. He'll see him back in a year, but he said he isn't concerned at all. Tay's went the Ear Dr today and her appointment went well too. He took the wicks out, the polyp is still there, but much smaller and he can see her ear drum pretty easily. He said it could all come back so it is important to flush her ear out daily, try drying it out with a blow dryer and we should be able to stay on top of it. He wants to see her back in 2 months. I am really having a time with Bry and his behavior. After you passed away he clung to G-ma Beanie...everytime she'd try to leave he'd cry his little heart out. Eventually he got over it. Then when I was in the hospital with Tay he did the same thing with me. He didn't want me out of his sight once we came home. He just got over that and Dale went away on a fishing trip for a few days, so now he is going thru that with his Daddy...doesn't want him out of his sight. The last few days he has had some terrible temper tantrums. I've been sticking him in the crib for a few minutes, to give him some time to settle down. Hopefully he'll get past this...it is really driving me crazy. However the crying over 'missing' us really breaks my heart. He looks at your picture and he remembers who you are. I just wonder what he thinks Mom. If you can, send him a hug, let him know that you are ok and for him not to worry about us. I miss you Mom! I am going over to your house this weekend to check things out. I need to pick something up for Chad. Hopefully the neighbors won't mind me parking in their driveway, because there is no way I am getting in yours! I LOVE YOU MOM!!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Mom, Oh how I miss you. Six long months without talking to you feels like forever. I miss your voice so much! I wish I could call you and you would say everything is OK. Mom I don't know if any of your kids will ever get over you not being here with us anymore. Your were such a good mother to all of us. We all miss you so much! Mom I miss and love you. Becky

It's been six months Mom, six months since you left us, six months since I kissed you and held your hand. I miss you so very much. I took Tay to get blood today and decided to wait for the results. I was looking in the gift shop and all of a sudden I started shaking, I don't have you anymore, you've been gone from our lives for 6 months and yet I still find it hard to believe and accept. It is still so hard Mom, you were taken from us so fast. I think to myself, when you left your house that day...to go for your broncoscopy, did it enter your mind that you may never walk in your house again? How often did you think of death and were you scared? Was that why you didn't sleep at night very good...because you were afraid? I remember sitting with you in the garage one day and you asked me "oh Tammy, I wonder if I will ever be able to mow my lawn again". Tay's doing better Mom, her counts were good today! I am so glad I waited for them. I take Bryson to the Urologist tomorrow, then on Wednesday Tay goes back to the Ear Doctor. Her ear seems to be doing good to me, it doesn't stink anymore and she doesn't mess with it nearly as much. Sometimes after I put her drops in her ears she will pull at it. Jay is doing good too, he was home for the weekend. Duff's doing good too Mom, today he realized our new puppy, Macy is a girl. I love you Mom! ((((((HUGS))))))) *******KISSES********

Well Mom, usually you are the one to share family news. So I thought I'd just share it here, then when the family comes to say hi to you...in a way they'll be finding out from you. Someone in the family is having a baby (and NO it's not me) RICHELLE!! She called me this morning and told me she was 2 months pregnant. Isn't that great! Now if you have any control up there Mom...if you remember correctly everytime Richelle has a baby, someone else in the family has one...uhm SHELLEY! I am sure Shelley doesn't want any more babies! Speaking of...her baby is getting so big. He's so cute Mom! Your Grand kids are growing Mom...Bry is 2 and oh so busy! He talks a mile a minute. He was just mean to little Taylor and got into trouble! I have to watch him like a hawk. He's EVERYWERE! Sweet Tay is doing much better. I am still hydrating her with her pump but she is drinking on her own well too. It just seems to really help her sleep when I keep her hydrated. Every since she's came home from the hospital she's slept all night without waking up...which is GREAT! She goes to the ENT (ear Dr) on Wednesday, Bry goes to the Urologist (pee pee Dr) on Tuesday. I'll be sure to let you know how things come out. Tay's ear seems to be doing well since he put the wick in there. The drops go right in. The hard part is keeping her ear dry when I give her a bath. She LOVES to lay back all the way in the tub and she can't do that anymore. I tried bathing her in the little tub by herself and she HATED it, so I bathed her with me in the big tub and she did much better. I just layed her back and rested her head on my leg so her ear didn't go in the water, that seemed to work pretty good. I sure miss you Mom. Dale is fishing this weekend, so I know if you were here the kids and I would have came over and spent the night. I just got Bry down for a nap so I need to go finish cleaning house. It is hard to do with him awake and running around. You were always able to work 'around' kids, but I am just not very good at that...at least Bry anyhow, he's wayyyyy too busy! I LOVE YOU MOM!!! (((((HUGS)))) *****KISSES******

Hi Mom, Gosh it has been so long since I have been on this web site. I sure need to get Hi speed instead of this slow phone line. We are all doing fine here. Lee gets bored being home all the time. Still has his days and nights mixed up. I am still working and this has been such a bad winter for snow I have had to work a lot of Fridays to make up of snow days. Chad is on the road and he loves it. He should be up north around the second week in March for 8 days. Your drive way must be a mess by now. At least 18 inches of snow in it. Mom I think about you each and every day. I miss you more then I would ever imagine. Until you lose a mother you never think about how much you will miss her because you can never imagine life without her. Travis is doing ok. I need to pray for him to get help with his problem every day. He needs a lot of prayer or he will leave us to from a overdose. It is so hard for me to think about and it scares me to death. Mom if at all possible touch him in a way he will know you are there. I talked to Tammy and Becky last week. Taylor is doing better. That is really good news. Well I am signing off for now but promise to write again soon. Love you forever, Debbie

I love and miss you so much Mom, I can't believe in a couple days it will be 6 months since we lost you. I still think of what you'd be doing if you were here. What'd you say about certain things that go on through out the day. How you'd not be liking all this snow we have been having, but yet you'd be enjoying the many days off they brought you. I know you'd still come over on many of them...once we got plowed out. You'd tell me how you can't sit around the house all day and you'd come over as soon as things got plowed out to help me do whatever. You would have watched Taylor last night so I could have went to wrestling. I miss our conversations, I miss eating lunch with you, I miss you coming in and going over to Little Taylor...telling her how pretty she is and how good she smells. I miss seeing you at the window with a big smile on your face as you clapped yayyyy to Bryson. I even miss you telling Duffle 'get off the table'! I wish I could see you Mom, I wish I could just spend an afternoon with you. It sure isn't getting any easier! I LOVE YOU!!!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Hi Mom, I just wanted to let you know that Tay is doing good! I am hydrating her and she is eating some on her own. She's happy, sleeping well and acting more like herself every day. I had a dream about you the other night. I told you that Debbie and Lee have pretty much taken things over at your house. You were happy about that and said you figured that they would. You also told me that whatever happened...whatever they decided to do, to trust them. I told you I would...and I will Mom. I know there is a lot for them to do, so whatever happens, if things work out and we keep it, that'd be great! But if it doesn't, I will trust that, I will remember what you always told me 'things happen for a reason'. I love you Mom, and I miss you so very much. Bry is a little sick right now, he's running a little temp and has a cough. I remembered today when I layed him down for a nap, something you told me the last time he was sick. "You'll know if he's really sick when he wakes up, if he wakes with a fever". I remember the last time you told me that. You were helping me clean and sure enough, you said it and he woke up with a temp of 105. He was REALLY sick with pnemonia. I am not thinking it is that serious this time Mom, because when he woke up today all he had was a little fever, barely over 100. Goodnight Mom...I LOVE AND MISS YOU!!!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES****** PS. We have TONS of snow Mom! The kids had yet another snow day this week. I bet your driveway has a good couple feet in it. There is no way anyone is getting thru until it's been plowed, but don't worry...it'll be taken care of :o) Love you!! Happy Valentine's Day Mom (tomorrow)

We're home Mom! Tay is doing good. Her blood cultures have been coming back good. She did end up having a blood transfusion because her red cells were low, but she is good! Really tired and gaggy, but I think now that she is home she'll start feeling even better. Dale kept Bryson and then last night Michelle brought him down and they spent the night. He missed me sooo much and I missed him the same! Michelle did good taking over the day care, she is such a good friend! I know you're watching over Tay Mom, boy was it hard the first night in the hospital. I cried myself to sleep that night, you see the last time I was there...sleeping in the hospital was with you and it brought back sad memories and I missed you even more! I snuggled with Tay and her sweetness helped me fall asleep. Oh guess what Mom, once again the weather here is nasty and once again there is no school tomorrow. In fact Dr. M tried to talk us into staying in the hospital another day because the roads were so nasty. We told her we'd take our time and drive the 'old' way...off the expressway and we'd be fine. She even called us a little while ago to make sure we made it home ok. It's just REALY windy and cold outside. The roads are all drifted...I bet you can't even get down your road and I am sure your driveway is a huge mess! Well I better go chase down Bry...I LOVE YOU MOM!!! ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES******

Taylor is going in the hospital today Mom. Dr. C called and said her blood culture grew an staph infection so he wants her to come in for a few days. I know you always stayed here and took care of things for me. What I really need from you Mom is for you to watch over her. Keep her safe and help her fight this infection...her counts are pretty low Mom. We'll get some meds to help boost that though and the good news is she doesn't have a fever. Dr. C is thinking we can get rid of this with a few days of antibiotics. I LOVE YOU MOM!!! I MISS YOU SO MUCH AND I WISH YOU WERE HERE!! ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES****

Hi Mom, it's been awhile since I wrote to you. I think of you every day though. The kids are doing good mom. Dylan starts basketball next week. Baby Amelia is four months old. Lisa took her to the Doctor yesterday for her check up. She weighs 14 lbs and 25 inches long. Lisa,Boyd and the babysitter has had a hard time getting her to take a bottle. Last week she finally did pretty good. Lisa said this week is even better. Ryan and the kids are doing good. Ryan has a girl friend now, and she is really good with the kids. Chasity is talking a lot better now. But mom she will not say grandma, I tried to get her to say mema {like Dylan used to call you}, but she won't say that either. The other day she called me Ma. Dino and I are getting used to working at home. It works out real good. I like working at home because I can work anytime. I like working in the evenings and watching TV.We have been pretty busy the last couple of months. Which is a good thing.Mandy is doing good too! Love and miss you mom. Becky

Hi Mom, well Tay went to the Dr today. Her ANC (infection fighting cells) wasn't good at all. Dr C wasn't there today but they are thinking she will need some neupogen shots to boost her immune system. He is going to call me tomorrow. In the mean time I really have to watch her for fever and keep her away from anyone who is sick! We got a referral for her ear too, that is still bothering her. And then there is her thrush...that too is back. So today was pretty hectic with her. She's sleeping right now, hasn't ate too much today, but seems happy enough. She sure could use some G-ma comfort from you Mom. If you could watch over her, keep her safe and help her get stronger. In the mean time we are under a winter storm warning. They say we could get any where from 10 to as much as 20 inches of snow by this time tomorrow. I am really sick of this winter weather!! I hope Tay stays well, with this weather I don't know if we'd even be able to get out to take her back to the Dr if we needed to. I really miss you Mom!! I wish so much you were here. I just can't seem to get past the fact that you are not. I still fall asleep thinking about you and wake up thinking about you. I love you Mom!! (((((HUGS))))) ****KISSES*****

Taylor's not feeling well today Mom, she woke up with a fever and is gaggy. I called the Dr. They said if her fever got to 101.5 I had to bring her right in and I can't give her any tylenol. So far so good...she's not eating much at all, but her fever hasn't came back and I am giving her zofran to help settle her tummy. She did drink some apple juice so that is good. She's sleeping right now. We go in for chemo tomorrow so I am sure they will look her over real good. If you could just watch over her Mom :o) I am so used to you staying here and watching all the kids while I take her in, it's hard to get used to you not being here and able to do that anymore. I miss you Mom, times like this I really really miss you more and more! Today was rainy...even some freezing rain. The roads are a mess and come Wednesday we are in for yet another snow storm. I just hope I can make it out tomorrow to take Sweet Tay. She HAS to go to the Dr! Well, Bry just took off so I better go see what he's up to. I LOVE YOU MOM!! ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES****

Hi Mom, it seems I am the only one to talk to you lately. The others are probably just busy is all. I haven't heard from Debbie lately. She usually calls once a week. I talked to Becky not too long ago and Shelley and I usually email back and forth thru the week. Her and the kids are doing good. Baby Seth is crawling every where and pulling himself up to things now. He's such a cutie! You were so right when you found out Shelley was pregnant, I remember you saying 'things happen for a reason'. I can't imagine Shelley not having him. He has really made her happy, I don't think she would have made it thru losing you without him Mom. I think it is our kids that keep us strong and the weeks Shelley doesn't have her other 3 kids...well she definitely needed Seth to keep her strong. I haven't heard from Sandy though Mom. Debbie talks to her... She works a lot I guess. Maybe she'll be able to come up soon. I know it is hard on her too...coming up to your house. I am sure everyone will start talking to you again and filling you in on things, I am sure you probably know everything...as you are watching over each and everyone of us...I can feel it Mom. I just can't seem to go very long without talking to you. That's how it has always been between us though...we never went a day without talking to each other. This weekend has been pretty nice. They are calling it 'the calm' before the next storm. We are suppose to get some rain/freezing rain Monday night into Tuesday...pretty amazing this weather is. Tay goes for chemo on Tuesday, hopefully with the weather we make it ok. I would hate to have to reschedule! I am hoping the rain doesn't make the main roads too bad, but I am betting it really messes up the side roads enough to have yet another day off for the kids. I never made it over to your house this weekend. I was planning on doing that. I really hate going there when no one is there. I know it is a poor excuse, it is just hard Mom. It's hard going to your house without you being there. Even almost 6 months later I am still not used to it. I think about you every day, every night and miss you like crazy!! I love you Mom!! ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES****

Just want to say I love you Mom and miss you very much! Sweet Tay sends her love too. I know she misses you. She has been so giggly lately, you always LOVED to hear her laugh. She goes for her chemo on Tuesday. Bryson still talks about you, I am sure he remembers and he misses you very much. The last time you saw him he could walk under the table...his head would just touch. Well now the table is up to his little mouth. He is GROWING!! I love you Mom! ((((HUGS)))) *****KISSES*****

Love you Mom! Looks like we have yet more snow on the way. I can't believe this winter...it has been so bad! I have no where to go tomorrow (except grocery shopping in the PM so hopefully it clears up by than). Tay had therapy today...did good as usual. She giggled and laughed a lot Lorie said. I just gave her a bath and her daddy is rocking her. She smells SOOOOO good! Remember that stuff you bought for her hair so it wouldn't dry out and to help get the tangles out? Well I am using it...her hair is so bad right now. I am not sure if it is the meds or the dry winter...something though is drying it out. I remember when you drove to Mt. Pleasant and went to Sally's just to get it for her. It was little while later that Kim started carrying it, so you started getting it there. I sure miss you Mom! I finally took the Christmas table cloth off my glass table (dining room one too) it was the one you bought for me. So now I have no table cloth, but I put it on my list. I know how you HATE for that table to not have a table cloth on it. The finger prints are impossible to keep off. I am planning on going over to your house to check things out if Lee or Debbie don't come up this weekend. I know Debbie won't be coming up tomorrow. She is suppose to be hit really hard with the snow. The storm is coming up from the south/east. Those are usually the BAD ones, you'd always say. For us though...we are on the edge of it, so hopefully we won't get too much snow. Well I got my taxes done. I'd be doing yours right about now. See Mom, every little thing still reminds me of you and what we'd be doing if you were here. I just miss you like crazy!! I can't ever imagine that changing though. Well, Bry is beating up the puppy so I am going to go for now. I LOVE YOU!!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES******

Morning Mom, well we sure have had the winter weather. No school yesterday (Tuesday) and no school today either. Even Jarrod's CMU classes are delayed. We didn't get so much of the snow...it is the WIND! It was in the 40's and rainy yesterday, which made the side streets nothing but ice, with the snow they had on them. Then when I went to bed last night it was still in the 40's, and within a few hours it dropped down below zero, which gave us what they call a 'flash freeze'. Everything turned to ICE. The winds picked up and it snowed...causing blizzard conditions. Ewwww....not something you would have liked one bit Mom! So far no kids are coming to day care today, so I thought we'd chat :o) I love talking to you. Kids are doing ok. Bry is doing good on the potty. He doesn't go everytime, but when he does he jumps up and down and says "I go pee on potty". He is speaking sentences now! Taylor is doing good too Mom. She wore her little long johns to bed last night. They remind me of you so much because they are exactly what you would have gotten for her. You LOVED the kids wearing long johns. Her's have an angel on the front and it says "Sweet Angel". So everytime she wears them I think of you Mom. I miss you terrible Mom. Hey, Bryson just popped up and he is SOAKED. I LOVE YOU MOM!!!! (((((HUGS))))) ****KISSES****

May your soul be blessed May your body rest On the mountain where you were born May your spirit soar Where there's joy ever more May you find your way in peace And there’s no more harm In your Savior’s arms See you fly away in the sky Did you hear the call of angels one and all May you find your way peace May you know you’re loved May you shine above on the mountain where you were born May your spirit soar There’s no pain anymore May you find your way in peace And there’s no more harm In your Savior’s arms See you fly away in the sky Did you hear the call of angels one and all May you find your way in peace May you find your way in peace May you find your way in peace I love and miss you so very much Mom!!! I thought about you a lot today and I wished so much that I could just see you...if only for a couple minutes, if I could just see you and hug you! ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES****

Nigh-nigh G-ma! I love you! Bryson peed on the potty Mom, then he was in his room getting ready for bed, he saw your picture on your web page and wanted to give you a kiss, I held him up...he kissed you and said "nigh-nigh G-ma". We love and miss you Mom!! ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES****

Well I had a dream about you last night Mom, you were happy and didn't seem to miss us at all. It was as if we are right there with you all the time. Which makes me happy, I sure don't want you up there unhappy or missing us. It was funny because you were in the middle of baking bread. You looked GREAT! Your voice sounded GREAT!! Just wanted to say thank you! I needed that dream! I LOVE AND MISS YOU MOM!! ((((HUGS))))) ****KISSES*****

Hi Mom, I sure do miss you Mom! Sorry I missed your 5th month, can you believe it?? Can you believe it's been FIVE months!! It is still so unreal to me, I miss you so very much and I think of you every single day! I've been watching Baby Makenna (hope I spelled her name right). She came 2 days this week. She's such a good little baby, but she really made me miss you even more. Every time I changed her, rocked her, fed her...all things you would be doing. Not that I didn't enjoy it, it's just YOU should have been here...enjoying yet another sweet baby. You would have said what a good baby she is too. We sure have gotten the snow this year Mom! You would NOT like that, but it would have given you a bunch of snow days to stay home. I don't think we've had a full week of school since sometime in November. I went to your house the other day and got stuck in your drive way. Thank goodness I got out ok. It was hard going there, it's getting harder going to your house. It just doesn't feel the same anymore. I think the more I go the less it feels like 'your house'. I sure wish you'd come visit me in a dream Mom...I MISS that, it's been awhile since I've had a really good dream about you. I've been talking to some people...describing my dreams to them and they really seem to believe that you indeed did make contact with me, the easiest way to make contact with a spirit is thru a dream. It's the remembering that is hard...dream recall. We did your taxes this week. I am sure I would be doing your taxes for you this week as well. You always had to pay your darn property taxes with your refund. I hated that! But at least you got enough back to do so, so I guess it worked out ok. Bryson has been doing pretty good on the potty. He went for G-ma Beanie today. You should have heard her squeal...she was SOOOO proud of him. Tay has been saying Mama like crazy!! I fell asleep to her saying "mama, mama, mama" last night. She was so funny! We've been rocking at night, after I get Bryson to bed. We find something good to watch on TV, while we snuggle in the recliner and rock. I still haven't brought your recliner over yet. I just don't know when a good time would be. I want her to have something over there to sit in. Maybe I could take the one we have and swap it for yours?? I'll talk to Dale and Debbie and see what they think. What else is going on here...not a whole lot. I am sure you can look done on us all and see every single thing we do and I know you are in our hearts...every single day. I just miss you Mom, I miss seeing you and talking to you. I went to the dentist yesterday and while I was walking in a car just like yours drove by. Oh yeah...of course it reminded me of you. Well I better go for now Mom, here I have tears running down my face, which put me in a rotten mood and little Bryson needs me. He just grabbed my hand to pull me into the living room and I snapped at him...something I am sure you wouldn't want me to do. I'll try to stay strong Mom...for you!! I LOVE YOU!!!! (((((HUGS)))))) (((((KISSES)))))

I am soooo glad they finally got your sight up and running. It was really hard not being able to come here everyday to talk to you. I miss you soooooooo much!! I had a little dream about you last night. This time you were 'alive'. I had found some money and I shared it with you. It wasn't a lot of money, a few hundred dollars, but I shared :o) and it made you happy. I am doing ok Mom, other than missing you every single day. The kids are doing good too. Bryson went on the potty yesterday for the first time. He was so excited, so I put a pull up on him. He went again this morning. I don't know how ready he is, but we'll try it for now and see what happens. Tay went to the foot Dr. she's going to have surgery sometime in September. Bry also goes to a urologist in a few weeks. His little sack (on his pee pee) is a little on the small side. She wants to make sure things can drop down there ok. She said she wasn't too concerned, but would be happy with a second opinion from a Dr who knows that stuff, so we go on the same day that Taylor has to go back to the foot Dr. Well I have more to talk about, but the daycare kids are being a little cranky so I need to go tend to them. I LOVE YOU MOM!!!!! (((((((((( HUGS)))))))))) *******KISSES*******

I went to bed before the clock struck 12 last night. I just couldn't stay up and see the New Year come in without you. Today marks the first day of a new year and also the first day of a year we won't spend with you. We all miss you so much. I LOVE YOU MOM!! (((((HUGS)))))) ****KISSES****

Mom, it is the new year tonight. I miss you so much!!! At times I still can't believe you are gone. Mom,I wonder will it ever get easier? I just don't know. I miss your voice so much mom, I didn't get to see you as often as everybody else did, but I did talk to you all the time. We are staying home tonight like we always do on New Years Eve. I talked to Lisa earlier and her and Boyd took Amelia to the doctor today. She has a double ear infection. I also talked to Ryan and he said he was staying home tonight. I have a nasty cold mom, so I'm not feeling to great. I love you mom, Becky

Happy New Year Mom! Tonight is going to be hard, for the last 8 years you've came to my house for New Year's Eve. You'd always spend the night. We'd eat dinner, than later we'd have munchies while we played games and waited for the New Year to come. Even Dev would be here a lot of the years. I miss you so much Mom!! Tonight just isn't going to be the same without you. It brings back so many memories of all the special times we've had together! I miss you Mom!! I love and miss you so much! (((((HUGS))))) ****KISSES****

Today was Bryson's 2nd birthday party...today was also Debbie's birthday. We had a pretty good day Mom, it is always hard celebrating something without you here. You are thought of and missed so very much. It just is never the same without you. Bry got a lot of nice things. Tay got Debbie a sweater, I try to get her something from Tay because she is her God Mother. Tonight you and Debbie would be going to the casino for her birthday. She always took you there and you LOVED to go...you looked forward to it every year. You'd always tell me "I hope Debbie takes me to the casino, oh I know she will". You were pretty lucky too...you usually always won. I remember whenever I went with you I'd always stick with you, hoping some of your luck would rub off on me...but it rarely did, but it was nice to see you win! Shelley and the kids came down for the party...all but Kelsey, she said it was too far of a drive so she stayed home with her Dad. The kids are all getting so big. Little Seth is crawling all over the place and standing up to everything. Lissy looks like she could pass for a 17 year old. Bry talks like crazy! Tay is Tay...sweet little Tay! I miss you so much Mom! The holidays are over...thank goodness, they just weren't the same without you. As long as you are happy Mom...as long as you are pain free and smiling down on us, that is my wish. I LOVE YOU!! ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES****

Merry Christmas Mom! I missed you so much today!...we all did. The kids had a good Christmas, they got tons of stuff like always. I was just going thru Tay's stuff and came across a pair of insulated underwear. It reminded me of you...you always thought those were so good for kids and would have been so happy that she got a pair. You would have said they were just what she needed when going to the Dr. I put her new bedding on her bed, it looks really cute. Well Mom, Bryson is standing her crying his eyes out so I better go put him to bed. I Love and miss you very much!! ((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Hi mom, I just want to wish you a Merry Christmas. Our Christmas was good, with my grandkids here really made my day! Just like you always said it is for the kids. Our dinner was good mom, I made my first ham, can you believe that? It was so good. Amelia was in her swing sleeping so Boyd and Lisa were able to eat together with us. Mom it was funny though, we were all eating and talking and then looked over at Chasity and she was sound asleep in her high chair. She did eat good before she fell asleep You know when kids are tired they can fall asleep anywhere. Mom I miss you so much! Love you, Becky

MERRY CHRISTMAS MOM!...I love and miss you so much. I had Christmas Eve, it wasn't the same without you here. I know it had to be hard for Debbie to come over by herself. The two of you always came over together. We kept it short and simple, the same lasagna that we always had with some appetizers. We were just missing you!...very much Mom! I hope you are happy, free and smiling down on us all Mom. I LOVE YOU!! (((((HUGS))))) ****KISSES****

I LOVE you Mom...I love the new song Richelle added...it's really nice! I miss you. Christmas is almost here Mom, my Christmas wish...the one thing I want more than anything is to just know you are happy, to have the strength to get thru and truly know that you are ok. I know you've came to me before telling me 'I am ok'. I guess I just need to hear it again Mom. I LOVE YOU and I MISS YOU!! ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES****

Mom, Amelia was baptized today. She looked beautiful. Her dress was so pretty. Her shoes were so cute with a cross on them. She was so good. When Deacon Bill was talking she kept smiling at him. It was so cute. Mom it was the same deacon who married Lisa and Boyd. He is no longer working at the church, but came back to baptize Amelia. Dino took pictures of course, I'll have Tammy put one on your web-site. Well Mom Christmas is only 3 days away. Ryan and the kids will be here for Christmas eve and spend the night. We will go to Maria's like we always do. Christmas morning Lisa, Boyd and Amelia will come over early, like they always do. We wait until they get here to open presents. Mom I sure miss you. Love you so much. Becky

Hi Mom, It's been awhile since I wrote. Busy with Christmas stuff. Last night we had Christmas with the boys and Devinne. Danielle and her new baby came over also. Today I will be leaving to come up to your house for the holidays as I always have since the boys where really small. The only thing different is you will be celebrating Christmas with Jesus this year and we will be without you for the first times in our entire life. It will be hard for us but Mom you made us all strong and we will be ok. You just have a amazingly joyous day with everyone in heaven. Your spirit is with us all the time. We feel you in so many ways. Love does amazing things for a person. As I write this note to you a pain begins in my heart and will not go away. Will that pain ever get easier? They say with time the pain will get easier but the memory will never go away. I would just like to say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year Mom. Love and miss you always, Debbie

I love you Grandma! I made my calendars, I picked out the one for you that I know you would have picked. My Mommy put the picture here on your web page too. I also made you a card. I'll take it over to your house next time I go. I LOVE AND MISS YOU VERY MUCH!! I giggle out loud all the time. My Mommy knows it is because you are playing with me :o) We know you are my guardian Angel and you will always watch over me. ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES****

Taylor made you a calendar Mom. She makes you one every year. Criss brought them today. I will take your's over to your house this weekend and hang it where you always do. The picture of her is really cute. She is on her horse (the one you got her for her birthday a few years ago) in front of the Christmas tree. I'll scan the picture and put it here for all to see. She made you a card too. I'll take that over and put it above your bed. She loves you Mom...you and her always had much fun together. She LOVED going to your house. I LOVE AND MISS YOU VERY MUCH!!!! ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES****

Well Mom today marks the 4th month. Hard to believe isn't it? There are times it just doesn't seem like it's been that long and other times when it seems much longer. All I know is that I miss you terribly!! I think about you every single day, still have reminders all around me and still cry! I still say to myself "Mom would have done this" or "Mom wouldn't have done that". I made chocolate fudge tonight, Jarrod asked what kind it was...said he only liked the white kind that you made. I don't have your recipe for the peanut butter fudge Mom...I can't call you to get it. So many things I still want your opinion on and I just can't get it now. Christmas is a week from today Mom. I got you a little gift. An ornament, one that says Mom on one side and on the other side it says "you'll always be in my heart" the other ornament says Grandma "you'll always be in my heart". I am going to hang them on your tree at your house. I LOVE YOU MOM!!! I wish you were here. I fell asleep with Bryson a little while ago. Something jolted me awake and I rolled over to look at the clock. It said 8:18...the date of your death. Then it quickly changed to 8:19. Even the damn clock is reminding me Mom...even the clock! ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES**** Merry Christmas Mom!

I found this poem in my favorite places. No idea how it got there, not even sure why I was scrolling thru looking. Maybe this is one of those things that you would say "Happen for a reason". "I know it wasn't easy for you to let her go But love like yours would not hold back your love to suffer so. And so I told her quickly So she would never know A lengthy time of darkness that would distress her so. I left her body here awhile, So you could have some time To be prepared to let her go... She was already mine. I bid her come while happy, With joyous plans ahead... And laughter in her face and heart And not one thought of dread. You have the most to suffer, Your loneliness to bear, But know that she is safe with Me, with in my loving care. And never doubt my love for you. I know you wonder why... Just know My strength will be your joy, My love will never die. I bore my Sons' own suffering And I will bear yours too Give your doubts and pain and hurt, And I will see you through." WE LOVE AND MISS YOU MOM!! I know I have been talking to yo a lot lately. I just miss you is all...I really think I miss you more and more with every day! ((((HUGS)))) *****KISSES*****

Mom, I can't believe it's been four months today that you have been gone. I miss you so much!!!! You know mom it will always be hard on us without you being here for all of us. You were loved so much with all of your kids,grandchildren and great grandchildren. You were the greatest. Oh mom I wish you were still with us. I know you are wishing the same. Mom I just wanted to let you know I sent Aunt Norma her Christmas card and told her I have the wreath her and her kids sent to the funeral home for you. I told her you would have loved it mom, and I have it hanging on my kitchen wall. It looks so good. You know mom Debbie made sure I got it, because I couldn't bring anything with me on the plane. Of course she mailed it to me. Mom I wish I could pick up the phone and call you. Missing you so much mom. Love Becky

Well we got MORE snow Mom...another good 6 inches fell last night. Debbie called, they got a bunch of snow down there too. I can't believe all this snow we have. You wouldn't like it at all. I sure hope your driveway gets plowed out...we will never get in. Jarrod is home, so I'll have him run over one night this week after wrestling practice and check it out. If it isn't plowed I'll make sure it gets done so we can all get in for Christmas. I have about all my shopping done. Just a few stocking stuffers left to get. Kids are doing fine. I am having Christmas Eve like I always do. Debbie will be up this weekend, we'll talk about what we are going to have for dinner on the Eve and Christmas. Shelley is going to try and come down for the weekend too. Kelsey really wants to see the puppy. We miss you Mom!! I wish so much that all of this was one bad dream! I LOVE YOU!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES******

I went to my first wrestling tournament today Mom...the Joe Loren. Dale watched the kids in the AM, then I came home and got Bry down for a nap and Bev (Michelle's oldest daughter) watched them for a few hours. It was hard...I worried and missed them so much. It certainly was nothing like when you were here to watch my Sweet Tay. I never worried or felt bad because I KNEW she LOVED being at your house and I knew you took picture perfect care of her. It was hard seeing Jarrod on the other side of the mat too...coaching. But he does a great job! You know our sweatshirst?...we sent your's with you. Mine says "Whaley's Mom" on the back. I am going to add 'Coach' above Whaley..so it says "Coach Whaley's Mom". I think the boys did good today. I didn't pay much attention. I helped cook the food. I went to bed at 2 AM and got up at 6 this morning, so I am TIRED! Shelley was going to come down tonight but she thinks Kaden might be getting sick so she didn't want to expose us all. She's coming down next weekend. I told her I could watch the kids for her while she works in Mt. Pleasant. I am sure she was thinking the same thing as I was...normally she would have came down and it would be YOU who would watch them. It is so hard on us all Mom. Every day...little things like this remind us so much of you. It is just hard to go on with our daily lives without you here. Well I better go check on that busy busy boy of mine! ((((HUGS)))))) *****KISSES*****

Mom, we all miss you very much! I think this is how we all will pretty much feel this Christmas. We will try though Mom...but our Christmas won't be the same without you! We'll have a blue Christmas without you We'll be so blue just thinking about you Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree Won’t be the same Mom, when you're not here with me. And when the blue snowflakes start falling That’s when those blue memories start calling You’ll be doing alright with your Christmas of white But we'll have a blue Christmas. You’ll be doing alright with your Christmas of white But we'll have a blue blue, Christmas. We love you Mom, we know you're spending your Christmas with Jesus...we still miss you! We still wish you were here with us! We still LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!!!! (((((((HUGS))))))) ******KISSES******

Tay went for chemo on Wednesday Mom. Her appointment went pretty well. Her MRI looked good...so good that Dr. C feels it is time for a little break. We are going to continue with the vincristine (the chemo she gets there thru her port) and continue with her interferon shot, but we are giving her a break from the temodar. He just thinks that because she's been on it for 3 years now, her body needs some time off. Her scans looked good enough to do that. She has another UTI...3rd one in 2 months and with her counts dropping so low with the first infection that may be a sign that it is beginning to take a toll on her bone marrow (the thing that makes up her blood cells and helps fight infection) So I agreed. And as long as she is on the vincristine and interferon she will be just fine. We will do scans again in 3 months and if we see a hint of anything suspicious we will go back to temodar or add something new. Other than that she is doing good. Her put her on an antibiotic for 2 months. He said sometimes the urinary tract can just take some time to heal and needs to be on long term antibiotics in order to do that. She slept really good last night...and is drinking well. Tomorrow is the big wrestling meet at home. The Joe Loren. You always watched the kids for me so I could go. Jarrod will be coaching and I offered to help in the concession stands all day with Michelle. It is going to be really hard for me not having you here with the kids. I know I will worry about them, where when you watched them that never happened. I miss you so much Mom. Every day of my life...every thing I did had something to do with you! It's so hard not having you here with us. Christmas right around the corner...it's just so unbelievable that you are not here with us. Bryson has a fever last night, but this morning when he woke up it was gone. He seems just fine, but of course with today being Friday I should probably try and get him in...just in case. I know that is what you would tell me. Our little puppy is doing good. Duffle gets kind of annoyed by her though. She is just too much puppy for him. Jarrod will be home tonight...for 3 weeks. I can't wait! I miss him and am looking forward to spending some time with him. I have most of my Christmas shopping done. I'll go over to your house next week to make sure your driveway is plowed so we all can get in. I see that Shelley is going to try and get down for Christmas Eve. That'd be great!! Well Mom, I need to go check on that busy boy of mine. I LOVE YOU!!!! ((((HUGS)))) *****KISSES******

Mom, I made out all my Christmas cards today, oh how it was so hard not making one for you. I always sent you a Christmas card. Remember mom two years ago when you were here for Christmas, you also signed your name on the cards. You came down early that year because you had to be home for Tammy because Bryson was going to be born right after Christmas. I think I was lucky that year that you even came down!!!! You were so worried about Tammy. But Mom, it was a Christmas I will never forget. We just didn't get you down here often enough. Mom the holiday's are hard without you. I miss you so much. Love Becky

Hi Mom. I love and miss you very much. I haven't wrote to you in a while. I read what everyone writes on your website just about every day but it is very hard for me. I handle things differently than everyone else, I always have and I think you have always understood that. The kids are doing good. Seth is crawling everywhere and standind up to stuff. He is getting so big. I'm sure he will be walking soon. Kelsey and Kaden are both doing good and so is Alyssa. Alyssa stays with me all the time now. She really likes the new house that we moved into. I knew with time she would want to stay with me and that is good. She doesn't like taking her stuff back and forth and she still sees her Dad everyday. She gets off the bus at his house so she sees him for a couple of hours a day then comes home. It is working out pretty good. I let Paul have Seth one day a week. Paul and I fight about it because he wants him more but I don't want to share him. He's my little baby and I'm not real comfortable with Paul taking care of him. I'm sure as he gets older it will be different. I haven't started any Christmas shopping yet. I don't even know what I'm going to get anyone. That is usually how it works for me every year. I'm just not even looking forward to Christmas at all. It is going to be so hard without you there. You were the center of our Christmas. I'm hoping Bob will let me take the kids on Christmas Eve so I can go to Tammy's house. If not then I will just come to your house on Christmas Day. I love and miss you very much.

Hi Mom, Tay goes for chemo today. We got a lot of snow yesterday. The wet heavy stuff! Thanks goodness it was yesterday and not today or else we would have missed chemo. No school today, side roads are a mess and not plowed yet, but our plow guy came and did our driveway at a stinking 2:00 AM!! Oh well, I shouldn't complain, he is VERY good at keeping us plowed. I bet your driveway is a mess! I'll send Jarrod over one day next week and if it hasn't been plowed I'll call our plow guy. He's done your's before so it won't be a problem. I took some pictures of the snow. It is really pretty packed up on the trees. I'll put them up this weekend. I know Becky is having quite the opposite weather so maybe some pictures of the snow will be good for her. Well I hear Little Taylor awake in there, I'd better go dress her for chemo before she falls back to sleep. I LOVE YOU MOM!! I MISS YOU TERRIBLY!! ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES**** PS. I was going to email Becky about Mandy. She called me yesterday and I forgot to ask, but when I came here I see she filled you in, so like old times... I got an update from you, even without you being here. Merry Christmas Mom!

Mom, I just want you to know I miss you and love you so much. Who would have thought that you still are not with us. Mom, I thing one thing is good, we have your web-site so we can still write to you and let you know how we are doing. Tammy writes to you just about every day, and mom I think that helps her. She spent so much time with you living so close by. Mom,it has been so hard on me all of these years living so far away, but we were still so close. I miss you mom. I talked to Tammy tonight and told her it is so hard to get in the Christmas spirit in FL. It's been in the 80's and we have our AC on. Mom I remember two years ago when you came down for Christmas I said to bring light clothes and it was cold the whole time you were here. (But mom you also brought warm clothes with you.) We just never know that the weather is going to be like. Well mom I pretty much have my Christmas shopping done. Dino and I went out twice and bought all of our gifts. He's real good about shopping with me. I was wrapping all the gifts and I keep thinking about you when you were here two years ago. You did most of the wrapping and you wanted to. You were so good at it. I miss you mom. Love Becky Mom just wanted to let you know about our little Mandy dog. She is doing ok. I take her to the vet again next Monday to check her paw. We held off on doing anything with her and her paw just healed fine. It's been almost two months. Love you mom!!

Oh Mom I just miss you so much. You'd think after almost 4 months I'd realize you weren't coming back, but I still find it hard to believe...or maybe I just don't want to accept it. Guess I am having a pretty crappy evening. I layed down with Bryson to get him to sleep and my mind went back to when you were so sick in the hospital. How we all had to watch you go thru all that...it was hard Mom. I'll never forget it. Now I sit here and think ahead of what Christmas will be like. Usually about this time some of us kids get together to see what the other is going to get you for Christmas. Sometimes we'd go in on something. Our holidays were all centered around you Mom. We loved sharing them and spending them with you. Never did I expect to have gone in on a grave blanket for you Mom...it just isn't fair that we lost you this way and so soon. I wasn't ready Mom...I still needed you! Ok, Mom...enough of that. I can almost feel you telling me to stop thinking like that. I remember the last words you tried to speak. I told you "I love you Mom" and you said "LOVE" right back to me. I will never forget that Mom...I LOVE YOU...I MISS YOU!! I am so glad to see that Debbie is going to try her hardest to keep things in the family. You guide us Mom...you guide us in the right direction to make that possible. ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES**** PS. Tay has chemo on Wednesday...we see Dr C. He will go over her complete MRI...showing us the actual scan I am sure.

Mom, This is the second time I am writing this. I lost the first letter I wrote you. Lee and I was up to your house this weekend and the snow plow kind of plowed in your driveway. We made it though after the second try. Tammy went down to the cemetery on her way over and the roads where not plowed over there and she was afraid she would get stuck with the kids in the car, so I did not even try and go there. Maybe the next time I come up the roads will be plowed there. Your house and the outside lights look really good. Chad did really good. Mom I decided today that I am going to do ever thing I can to keep the house for all of your kids. That is where we all go to see each other. Heck, even Becky might even come up and stay a couple of weeks when she can take a vacation. That would be great. All of us will be there for Christmas except Becky and maybe Sandy. She is going to try and make it if she can afford it. I sure hope Sandy and the kids can make it. I sent the letter in to social security today. I will see what happens there. Lee is going to call an attorney this week and see if he can make me an appointment so I can see what will happen to the estate. I hope it will go smooth and not be alot of problems. I am tired right now. I had a hard day at work and the roads where icy this morning. A really bad accident on 75. Looked as though someone might of passed away. It was really bad. The car flipped over and was in a ditch. Tammys new puppy is really cute. Looks alot like Duffles but the coloring is a little different. Well I had better go because this computer is acting up. I love and miss you so very much. When I am at your house I think about what you did ever morning. You would get up and go to the bathroom, and then you would make coffee, and then you would sit at the table and light a cigerette. Gosh Mom, it seems so unreal that you are not still there. Your house is still the same. I just don't know when we will be able to change it. I have to go so I will write soon. Love always, Debbie

Christmas is right around the corner Mom. Oh how we all miss you so! It just isn't the same without you here. Our lives will never be the same...there is and always will be an empty feeling...a loss I will never get over. I miss you so much! We will all be at your house for Christmas. I am planning on Christmas Eve at my house, probably have the traditional lasagna. Kids are doing good. Bry is being a little testy. I am trying to follow thru with my timeouts, when I do it seems to make all the difference. Tay is doing great Mom. Sometimes I swear you talk to her. She starts laughing and singing at the strangest times...and out of no where. She loves going to your house. Remember how she'd always get into things on that stand next to the recliner? Well she still does that. Debbie sets little things there for her to get...like you always did. Your house looks great Mom. Lee and Chad did an excellent job decorating outside. You would LOVE it!!! Chad bought a big bag of bird food and has been feeding your birds. He'd love to find a job up here and stay at your house, so if you can lead him in the right direction Mom...that'd be great! He'd be the perfect person to stay there and he'd keep your house up and looking good. I watched Baby MaKenna (not sure that I spelled her name right Mom) on Friday. As soon as her Mom finds a job I'll start having her more often. She was really good...and cute cute! Of course it made me sad though...I know if you were here, you'd be all over her. You'd be taking care of her like you did all the little babies. They were your job...the older ones were mine. I miss you and love you so very much Mom!!! I've been thinking of New Year's a lot. Every year since we've moved here, you came over for New Year's Eve. We'd stay up playing cards, eating snacks and watching the New Year come in. Then just after midnight we'd go to bed...every year Mom. Dev would come over a lot of the time too. Jay would be here and we'd all have a good time. I am so going to miss that this year Mom. I won't be able to stay up this year...not without you Mom! ((((((HUGS)))))) *****KISSES*****

Tay's MRI results came back good Mom, the best one yet. Very stable with a tiny improvement. Of course with you looking over her, the best one yet is not surprising. I got my puppy last night, she looks like Duffle did when he was a baby. She's really a good puppy (so far) Bry likes her...Duff did like her but now he is so jealous. I tell him he is and always will be my favorite baby puppy. Tay doesn't pay a bit of attention to her. Jay spent the night with us last night. He went with me to pick her up. Then she slept in the room with her. I have a crate for her and she is getting paper trained...she's doing pretty good for an 8 week old puppy. I don't yet have a name for her though. I'll think of one sometime. Beanie was pretty mad that we got a puppy, she wouldn't even look at her. I don't know what is wrong with her. She told me yesterday that I don't discipline Bryson. She's never in the 20 years I've known her made a negative comment about how I parent my kids. It really hurt my feelings. I know you would never ever say anything like that to me or any of your kids. Wow, Mom...I never thought of your grave blanket blowing away. I sure hope it is still there...or at least close by. It was pretty darn windy. Maybe we should have wet the bottom real good so it would have froze to the ground...then it wouldn't have been able to blow so easy. I talked to Shelley earlier today (email) she's doing good. Getting extra hours in...which is good with Christmas so close. Well I have some heartbreaking news. I am losing Dakota. I haven't told anyone yet...not even Dale. Her last day is next Friday. I just found out and I guess the shock is still there. It about crushed me. I never in all my dreams would have guessed Lorie to pull her out. Her Mother in Law is going to come 3 days a week and then Lorie's Dad the other 2. Her MIL is retired now...she was a school teacher. It's just a horrible time for her to pull her...right before Christmas. I am so attached to her...you were too. She said if I still had a spot and it didn't work out with her MIL could she bring her back. I don't know Mom, my feelings are so hurt about the whole thing. Maybe I am just extra sensitive right now because you aren't here. Well I better get to bed here...Bry is sleeping and Tay is getting close to being ready (I hope, she took a good nap). I am exhausted. I haven't slept too well the last couple nights. I MISS YOU MOM...I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!! (((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES*****

Hi Mom, Just want you to know I love and miss you so much. I just pray that where ever you are you are looking down on us with your beautiful smile. I am coming up to your house on friday to have Beannie noterize the letter so I can be the executor of the estate. I need to get an attorney real soon and I have to have that letter to give to an attorney. Boy Tammy will really have her hands full with a new puppy. I hope she realizes what she is doing. It's like adding a new baby to your family. Danielle had her baby girl. Her name is Hannah and she weighed 7lbs 7ozs. and was 21 inches long. She has a real tiny face and a dimple in her chin. She is really cute. Very little hair and it is blond. Devinne sure does love her. She wants to hold her all the time. That will change in time. Everyone here is doing fine. Lee has a bad cold and does not feel good at all. I am gaining weight. I am so glad. All I do is eat. Hope I do not get fat. I would like to weigh 110 to 115. No more then that. I weigh 100 right now. Christmas is a round the corner and I have not even started my shopping. I am not in the Christmas mood this year. I have to start soon or no one will get a thing. Well I had better get off this computer and get ready for bed. I have to work tomorrow and it seems I had to drive ever day this week in snow. Boy that wears me out driving on bad roads ever day. I will go to the cemetery this weekend to check on your blankets. I have a feeling they might of blown onto someome elses grave. Boy that would be a laugh. It is possible though. I love you mom and I will talk to you on this site real soon. Love always, Debbie

Taylor had her MRI today Mom, she did great as usual! I should get the results back later this week. She did so good, poor girl didn't get in until noon and she couldn't have anything to eat you know. She woke up thru the night and she was wanting something so bad. She kept turning her music down and she'd holler at us. It was so sad. We always jump when she's hungry, but this time we couldn't feed her because of the general she was going to have. I gave her some juice though, as soon as she woke up so that sure made her happy. She's in bed sleeping now. She drank down a can of pediasure, and after a long day I am sure she'll sleep good tonight! This was her first MRI since you've been gone Mom. I miss you sooo much. Not a single day goes by that I don't think about you. I put on one of your shirts tonight and Bryson said "Gama's". He sure knew it was yours. I asked him "can Mommy wear it"? And he said "NO"...and grabbed it out of my hand...little stinker. Well we got that nasty winter storm over the weekend, making the back roads nothing but a sheet of ice so we didn't have school today. They finally got us all plowed out so I am sure there will be school tomorrow. Guess what Mom...we are picking up our new puppy tomorrow night. Dale got me a little girl pup that looks just like Duffle. You know how we always said "Duff needs a wife"...well tomorrow he will have one, I just hope he likes her. He's so dang spoiled. And I hope Bryson doesn't hurt her...keeping his little paws off her will be quite the challenge! Well Mom, I am off to bed...I MISS YOU AND LOVE YOU SO VERY MUCH!! I'll give you Tay's results as soon as I get them from Dr. C. ((((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Hi Mom, well I went Christmas shopping today. I finished up Tay and Bry. I got Tay a bed in bag set, she now sleeps in her own bed so it is the perfect gift idea for her. I was just walking thru the store, trying to think of a santa idea for her and the bed in bag just jumped out at me. I also got her a couple outfits from old navy and some jammies plus a couple little coat/jackets that go with her outfits. I bought some stuff at bath and body works for her too. Bry got a bunch of toys and a couple outfits. I bought him some boots and snow pants too, but he got those early...his daddy is going to take him out in the snow so he'll need them. He LOVES his new boots...he's been walking around the house with them every since I showed them to him. We are in a winter storm warning tonight and tomorrow morning. Even suppose to get some freezing rain! They said our power would likely go out as well. You'd be not liking this one bit! I guess if we must get it, let it come before Monday. I really don't want to reschedule Tay's MRI. I miss you so much Mom. I can't imagine what Christmas is going to be like without you here. I love you Mom...I love you and miss you so very much! The friend I told you about earlier,her Mom had cancer in her lungs...like you. So much of what she went thru reminded me of you. She passed away yesterday Mom. Her family now goes thru the pain we all are going thru, my heart goes out to them. This nasty disease...I hope one day soon they find the cure. I LOVE YOU!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES****

I miss you soooo much Mom, not much more to add today...same ol' same ol' around here. Tay went for her physical yesterday and she checked out ok..we are good to go for her MRI on Monday. Took Bryson too, he has a cough and runny nose, but it is just a cold. They rx'd us a 35.00 cough medicine/decongestant. I've only gave it to him once...it makes him sleepy and I don't like to give him too much of that kind of medicine. I'll give it to him at night...he sleeps anyhow and it may make him sleep more comfortable. We got a few inches of snow last night...we are suppose to get the 'big one' tomorrow and tomorrow night. As long as it clears out by Monday when we take Tay in for her MRI. I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU SO MUCH!! ((((HUGS)))) *****KISSES*****

Hi Mom, I took Bryson to the foot Dr yesterday. I remember how you always noticed "Tammy his right foot turns in". So when I told his pediatrician she referred us to a foot specialist. Anyhow, his feet are going to be just fine. Yes, they turn in and they are as flat as pancakes, but he said he will probably outgrow both. Some kids don't develope their arch until closer to 3 or he could very well be one of the many people out there who have flat feet with no problems at all. He told us to watch for any pain in his legs which would be a sign that they weren't developing structurely and he'd need to be seen again. If no new symptoms develop...he's fine. Taylor goes in today for her physical. Monday is her MRI. We are just taking her to Canandian Lakes for her physical. Dale said he'd go with us. I sure miss you Mom! Everything around me is still a reminder of you. Not a day goes by where I don't think of you. I think of both good times and the bad ones...the days when you were sick and in the hospital. I wonder if we would have done anything at all differently...would it have made a difference? If we would have fought for that radiation, if we would have continued with chemo, would you still be here? Then I think 'it we would have continued treatment, the time it gave you...would it have be quality? Would you have been able to do the things you loved? I just miss you so much Mom...it is so hard without you. I started to have another dream about you, but I woke up. All I know is that you and Jarrod were coming down the road in your car. I could hear your car, then I saw you and I had questions for you (as usual) but I woke up before I could ask them. I love you Mom! I know you will be with us for Tay's MRI! The kids miss you Mom. It's so strange, I put your big Christmas tree up in my family room. I just needed a part of you around me. So our tree went up in Dale's living room and your big tree with all your decorations you had nicely packed away went up in my living room. Oh by the way Mom. A funny thing happened with your tree. Michelle was putting it together and a darn dead mouse fell out on her hand. About gave her a heart attack!! I thought it was pretty darn funny myself. Anyhow, about your tree. Jarrod came over Tuesday night and we decorated both trees while little Bryson was asleep. He woke up the next morning and just looked at them, then pointed to yours and said "Gama's". How he knew that...I sure didn't tell him. I am assuming you did though. Then he plucked a bulb from it, carried it over to me saying "Gama's"...dropped it and it broke. No more of that! He gets in trouble now when he touches the tree. He is a HUGE chatter box Mom. He falls asleep talking, sometimes talks in his sleep and wakes up talking. Well Mom, speaking of Bryson, he just woke up and wants an egg. I am turning into you too...fixing eggs for the kids at the drop of a hat. I LOVE YOU MOM...and I MISS YOU like crazy!!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES****** (I sure hope your getting all these hugs and kisses!)

Hi Mom, It's been awhile since I have spoke to you. I was up to your house for the holidays along with Lee and Chad. Shelley and the kids and Tammy and her family was also there. Dave and Diana and the new great grand baby was also there. Mom she is so cute. Her name is McKenna. Not sure if I spelled her name right. They also brought there other grandaughter to. Diana bought a new car also. I am sure she will tell you about it. I have not seen it yet. Boy Mom I miss you so much it hurts. You know the saying LOVE HURTS, boy are they right about that one. Thanksgiving was not thanksgiving it was "Why is are Mom not here"? We went through the motions and tried to have a good day, but we all missed you so much. Christmas is going to be even harder. Mom I always give you money to go to the casino. That is not going to happen this year because you are not with us in life but you are with us in spirit. We feel you around us and that gets us through the days and nights. Mom the wierdest things happened to me and Lee this weekend at your house. First Lee was going hunting on Thanksgiving morning and as he went by the cementary he waved and said hi and then his security light came on in his truck and stayed on until he got to the hunting blind. He even debated on whether to hunt or not. Then 2 days later as I was pulling out of your drive way I looked at my mileage and it said 911. It stayed at 911 until I got to M-20. Well that scared me until Becky said you would never try to scare me, but maybe you where telling me and Lee to be careful. I sure hope that is what you mean. Lee and Chad is still at your house. Chad put up your outside lights and he also got a reindeer and new candy canes to add to the outside. He also bought some more lights and Lee and Chad says it looks really good. I can't wait to see it. Me and Tammy did a nice job on the inside. I know you would love it. We did not do as much as you do but there are to many little ones this year. Jarrod made a CD of all the songs on your web site for me and I have played it in my car ever time I am in it. I love to listen to it. All of the songs are songs you would love. Mom I know you are happy wherever you are and all of the pain and suffering you went through is over. On the song that says would you know me in heaven and would it be the same goes through my mind all the time. I really pray that you will know me and it will be the same. In this life time I will never have another mother but you, and in the next lifetime you have to be my mother again. I just can't imagine ever having another mother. Mom I love and miss you and I pray that we will meet again. Love you always Debbie

Hi Mom, we went to the cemetary today and it is really looking nice! Debbie found the grave blankets and we put them on..one for you and one for Dad. Then she bought some pretty flowers, those look nice too. We know how you decorate for the holidays so we couldn't resist. We also got your tree up today. We put a few decorations around your house. We didn't put up the village, because of the little ones. Bryson is into EVERYTHING and Baby Seth is crawling now and climbs up to everything. So those two boys would take it down as fast as we put it up I am sure. I was worried that we wouldn't know where certain things went, but you were very organized and labeled alot of your decorations when you put them away last year. We sure miss you Mom. It is so hard not having you here with us. We try though...we all try and I am sure many of us put on a happy face because we know we have to. We do it for our families and because we know that is what you'd want us to do. You wouldn't want us to be sad all the time. Hey did I tell you Debbie's car is really nice?...you'd love it Mom! Shelley took it to the mall on Friday. You know...our annual day after Thanksgiving shopping spree? Yep, we went. Me and Shelley, Baby Seth, Alyssa, Jarrod, Beanie and Monster Bryson. The little ones were good. Bry was good, it was just hard with the stroller. The crowd and getting thru all the isles was hard, but we got some really good deals. I am about finished with my shopping. Tay is doing pretty good. She has another urinary infection though, so she is on antibiotics. I do not know why she is getting them so often now...poor girl! Her MRI is coming up..I am sure you will be looking down on her extra special on that day Mom. Well, I better get to bed. It is getting late and I have an early day tomorrow. I am going to sign off with a poem. I LOVE YOU MOM!! I MISS YOU VERY MUCH!! (((((HUGS))))) ****KISSES***** God saw you getting tired when a cure was not to be. He closed His arms around you and whispered "Come to me" In tears we saw you sinking, we watched you fade away. Our hearts were almost broken, you fought so hard to stay. But when we saw you sleeping so peacefully free from pain, We could not wish you back, to suffer so again. So keep your arms around her Lord And give her special care, Make up for all she suffered And all that seemed unfair.

Happy Thanksgiving mom. I think all of us did okay today. I called your house three times, talked to Tammy twice and Debbie once. I think they had a good meal. Our dinner turned out good. Miss you so much mom.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING MOM!!!!! I am sure you are having quite the feast up there, way better than any of us can every imagine! We all miss you Mom, today will be hard on all of us, but I know in my heart you are with us all. I know you are smiling down on us as proud as any Mother could ever be...and we are all so very proud of you! We couldn't have picked a better, more loving Mother than you! So today Mom, we will be very thankful for YOU! I love you Mom, I better sign off now, I promised myself I would try to get thru today without crying and here I sit with tears in my eyes! I just miss you so much Mom! ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSSES**** "In all things, give thanks" ~ Thessalonians 5:18

I Can't imagine you not being with us today!!We will be there for each other. You have a very strong family!!I Love you Little Ma Ma! Your with all of us in our hearts!!!

I am going to try and get thru tomorrow without crying Mom, so I guess instead I sit here and cry as I write to you. I miss you so much Mom...this is oh so hard! Debbie and I have pretty much everything ready for tomorrow. She bought a turkey and a ham. You know her...she always ends up getting a ham at the last minute to add to the turkey. Oh I am sure it'll all get ate up though, it always does. She made all the regular fixings that you always make. I baked 5 pies today and some pumpkin bread. I have white bread rising in your pans and I am going to bake the cake tomorrow morning. I made a little picture frame of you...from you to all of us. I'll keep it at your house where we will all get together for the holidays...like we always do. It has last years Christmas picture of you in it along with a poem I think you'd want us to hear. I am going to write it here too...for those who won't be with us for the holidays. To my family Please be thankful today I'm still close beside you In a new special way I love you all dearly now don't shed a tear cause I'm spending my Christmas with Jesus this year I know how much you miss me I see the pain inside your heart but through our memories so dear we're never far apart I can't tell you of the splendor or the peace here in this place can you just imagine Christmas with Our Savior...face to face I'll ask Him to light your spirit as I tell Him of your love then I'll pray for 'one another' as you lift your eyes above So please let your heart be joyful and let your spirit sing for I'm spending Christmas in Heaven and I'm walking with the King. I LOVE AND MISS YOU MOM!!! ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES****

Hi little mama!!! Thank you for giving me a wonderful husband and sisters.You did good!!!!!!You sure are missed and loved. I am thankful for being a part of this family.I love you so much and will miss you so tomarrow!!! Your only DIL...

Oh mom, Tammy sure has been working hard on your web-site. With so many new pictures and a few new songs. You sure would be proud of her. Mom all of us are missing you so much, with the holidays right around the corner. Mom I will cook a turkey this year. Last year I cooked a goose it was terrible, we couldn't even eat it. I remember telling you and you felt so bad. Mom it's going to be so hard for every one this year being at your house for Thanksgiving and you not being there. I will call like I do every year. Miss and love you mom.

Grandma I've been wanting to write to you for a couple of days now. It's hard for me to get started. With the holidays coming I know it's hard for everyone without you. I know that on Thanksgiving I'm going to be thankful for you. Without you I wouldn't have such a great family to be thankful for. Without you I wouldn't have Amelia to be thankful for. So as hard as it is to celebrate the holidays without you, I will be thinking of you and how thankful I am! I love you and miss you Grandma. Thanks for everything!!

I drempt about you again last night Mom, we were all at your house and I walked by your bedroom. I could see you lying in your bed, I said "Mom" and you raised your head. I called for the others, Debbie came running, and I asked her if she could see you but she couldn't, only I could. You got up and walked out of your bedroom. The doors that led out to your garage were all open and all us girls...even Becky were out there. I said "can't you guys see her...she's standing right there". Becky looked and said "I can see her!!" Then everyone else could see you. You walked out to the garage with us and we all gave you a big hug. You looked really good,your skin was so soft and radiant but you were sad...you missed us all. I didn't like that part Mom, I LOVE dreaming about you and being able to hug you, but I like it when you are happy and tell me how much fun you are having. Oh, Mom...I know you are happy, it is us down here who are sad and missing you terribly! WE LOVE YOU MOM!! ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES****

"If you get there before I do Don't give up on me I'll meet you when my chores are thru I don't know how long I'll be But I'm not gonna let you down Just you wait and see So between now and then Till I see you again I'll be lovin' you Love me" Love and Miss you Mom, I know you are now an Angel Among us all ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES****

Like every night I was thinking of you as I layed in bed. I cried of course. Guess it's just been pretty overwhelming with you gone, the holidays here, Thanksgiving just a few days of away. I think of you and the meal you won't be here for, Christmas coming and the gifts you won't open...Man Mom, this is so hard...trying to go on without you is harder than any of us ever imagined! I've been spending a lot of time here. Adding pictures and songs, trying to spruce up your web page a little. Trying to fill the empty space I have in me without you here. I like the song Debbie asked me to add...Angel's Among Us. It was you Mom, it had to have been. She was half way up to your house...about the time she thinks of you and starts crying. It was then she heard the song Angel's Among us, it gave her some comfort and she thought of you...so she asked me to play it here. When I was laying in bed last night thinking of you I fell asleep to this thought "If you get there before I do, don't give up on me, I'll meet you when my chores are thru, I don't know how long I'll be, but I am not going to let you down, just you wait and see, so between now and then, till I see you again, I'll be loving you...love me". It's from us all Mom! ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES**** I LOVE YOU!!!!

Can you believe it Mom...3 months today! It just doesn't seem possible, none of this seems real to any of us. To wake up from all of this and have you here with us would be oh so wonderful. We miss you Mom...we still miss you with every breath we take. The holidays are here Mom...next week is Thanksgiving. We are all going to need you Mom, each one of us will need to feel your presence. I am going to go over either Wed night or early Thursday morning to help Debbie. She came up this weekend. Her car is really nice! You'd LOVE it! She went to Fate's and bought most of what we need. So far the menue is Ham, turkey, stuffing, potatoes, macaroni salad, deviled eggs, jello salad, green bean casserole, corn, homemade breads (I grabbed your bread pans to make it in) and some desserts, pies and cake. It should be a good meal. I called Sandy to see if her and the girls will be up. Hopefully they will and she will call back soon. Travis and Chad will be up and Debbie is going to try and bring Devinne up over the weekend. Shelley and the kids will be down Wed night and stay till around Saturday. We are going to try and get up your Christmas decorations while we are all together Mom, I know it is a little early but with us all together we figured it'd be the best time to do it. The boys can decorate the outside and us girls can do the inside. Well Mom, Bryson is out there eating, last time I left him alone he completely painted himself in mashed potatoes. Right now he is eating sausage gravy so that too is MESSY. I LOVE YOU!! I MISS YOU!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES***** I added a couple new songs to your page. They take up a lot of room. I just bought some extra room but it sure doesn't take long to use it up. I'll probably just swap the songs off and on. So for everyone...if you don't hear a song playing, it just means I am rotating them around some. There just isn't enough room to have them all playing all the time. We'll just have to take turns with them. I LOVE YOU MOM!!!

Hi Mom, Tay had chemo today. We didn't see Dr. C, he was in-patient today so we will wait and see him next time. Tay did good though, she weighs the same 40 lbs as always. Her counts were all good. She does have thrush though so we have some meds for that, and she has been coughing. They checked her over real well and her lungs sounded good. We are being referred to a ear specialist for her ears. They've always bothered her and we never have got them better all the way. We are also seeing the foot Dr again about having her feet done so she can stand. We need to get it done before her pool opens again next summer. Oh, about her pool. Something is up with that. Dale noticed that the cover all the way to the bottom so he guessed there was a leak somewhere. We called the pool people and yep, sure enough there is a leak somewhere. Now I know it had to have happened when they closed it up, but trying to convince them of that is a whole other story. I can bet they will deny having anything to do with it. Whatever happens Mom, Sweet Tay NEEDS her pool to be fixed and fixed right! We all know how much she LOVES it. It is about the only fun/relaxing thing she is able to do. Her MRI is next month, on Dec 3rd. Because of her coughing we have to have another physical a few days before her scan...just to make sure she is ok to be sedated. I will take her in to Bry's Dr here in our area. Lets see....what else is going on... the last couple days have been a little better for me. I just talked to Debbie, her car sounds really nice. I'll go over tomorrow to see it. First I am going grocery shopping with Beanie though. It's getting cold out Mom, and it even snowed a little earlier. YUK! I am not looking forward to that! I have a couple pictures of the kids I am going to add. One is of them in their Halloween costumes, the other is of Tay doing her school work. You always used to just love to watch her. I added a couple pictures of Baby Emma, my she is just as cute as ever! You always thought she was just so pretty and looked just like her Mom. We miss you Mom..we all miss you so very much! The holidays, and life itself will never be the same for any of us! I LOVE YOU MOM!!! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Hi Mom, Well I finally got me a new car. It is a 2008 Pontiac G6. The color is called performance red. It has ebony interior. It sure is nice. It is a 4 door. I know you would love it. I am coming up to your house this weekend to give it a test drive to see how it does. I even have on star. It has a cell phone with on star. My phone # is 810-922-6776. I sure wish you could call me and say hi. Lee is coming up also to go deer hunting. He missed opening day because he was trying to find me a car. The last time I was up last weekend I fell asleep on your couch early Sunday morning and I had this wierd dream. I have not told anyone about it because I am not sure what it means. You know the large half moon doors in a chuch, well these where small like them and they where gold. They all had the same design on them and they where like a book and I kept turning the pages and I was crying and tears where running done my face. I opened my eyes and I was awake but my face felt wet with tears. Mom I touched my face and both sides of my face was dry. I just know I was crying about you but the dream made no since. I could not see you but I could feel your presence. The boys where over today and Chad is driving his car he got from Paul. He is going to try and go to truck driving school and be a driver like Dave. That would be a great job for him. We are having Thanksgiving at your house. The boys are going to come up also. I hope everyone comes but you know we usually have someone not show up. Me and Tammy will make a great dinner for everyone. Well Mom I had better go and get ready to come up. I will come and see you at the cementary since I have my own car and get down there. Tell Dad Hi and that I love and miss him. Love you forever Debbie

Mom, I am missing you so much.Oh how I wish I could call you and let you know Mandy is not doing well. I have been taking her to the vet for the last two weeks. I noticed on her back paw that it was raw and no hair. First the doctor said it was a hot spot and put a bandage on it and gave her one of those lamp shades to put on her head so she couldn't lick it, but mom she could still lick it. We tried a different size but she could still get to it. Yesterday the doctor took some fluid out of her sore spot and put it under the micro scope and said she had some mass cells. The doctor said she needed surgery to remove it and send it to the lab for a biopsy. Today I took her to have a second opinion. This doctor said the area was to small to remove it because it was to close to a bone. She said she would do the biopsy first. We are going to go with this doctor. Mandy will have the biopsy this Thursday. We are praying that it's not cancer. She is only six years old. Mom I am having such a hard time with losing you, I just don't want to go through this again. I know Mandy is only a dog, but everybody loves her. When Tammy and Shelly came down for Lisa and Boyd's wedding they fell in love with Mandy and both went home and bought a little dog. Dylan is the one I worry about, he loves her so much. Dino and I are just as crazy about her also. Mom, I miss you so much!!! Love and think of you every day. Becky

Me again Mom, you know how we always just talked...not really about much, we'd just talk to talk. Today wasn't much better than yesterday. I think as the holidays are approaching my stress level is kicking into high gear. I did get all the kids to bed at the same time without any problems, which gave me a couple hours of peace and quiet. I just sat at the table with your picture close by. Thinking of you makes me sad, but at the same time it settles me down when I am about to explode! I miss you Mom. Dale told me today "your going to have to not have all these pictures and poems sitting around,I just start to forget and then I see one of these, remember... and it makes me sad again". I told him "heck no, they will always be out, I'll never have a day of not thinking of you or 'remembering'. He wasn't being mean about it, he's sad too...it's hard for him too Mom. Bry now calls you "Gama" instead of "Nama". He looks up at your picture, and says "Gama". He brings me your poem or your picture...he points to your flowers and says "Gama". He's talking so well. He was before you got sick, so you know what I am talking about. Now he's putting a couple words together though. He LOVES Elmo so we are going to get him some Elmo things for Christmas. I also want to get him a jumping ride on horse. He loves those too. Your Little Taylor is doing good. She enjoyed the recliner at your house on Saturday. Her chemo is Friday. Oh and I have to give her a shot tonight...it is interferon night. I've been getting Bryson to bed at night then rocking with her. It is so nice! I really need that time with her. You know how she is such an Angel and all these other kids are so demanding. She always gets the short end of our time. She LOVES for me to rock with her. Baby Puppy (Duffle) is doing good too Mom :o) Still gets on the table and I still tell him "Grandma would spank your butt Duff if she saw you up there". Oh, guess what...now BRYSON climbs up on the table! Guess he thinks 'if Duff can do it so can I'. Well, I better get out there and give Tay her shot and meds. I love you Mom and I miss you sooooo much! I am ready for another one of your happy dream visits!! I could really use a hug! (((((HUGS)))))) *****KISSES******

Today sure was a crappy day Mom. I was about ready to admit myself to a nut house! These kids are about to drive me crazy...and I am not talking about my kids! I'd take a deep breath and look at your picture, that smile of yours got me thru the day. Michelle was out sick today so that didn't help matters. You didn't have too many of these kind of days. Nothing usually bothered you and when it did you always found a way to get through it...I was remembering the time you had a not so good moment...well acutally it was pretty darn funny, it made me laugh. One of the kids was crying non-stop for no particular reason....following you around like crazy, you had done everything you could and still she'd cry. Finally you said (not in a mean way...in your own funny g-ma way) "insert kids name here, you are giving me the headache". Then little Alyson pipes up and says "It's ok G-ma, she's giving me the headache too". Oh you and I laughed so hard we nearly peed our pants! Those were the kind of bad days you had, a moment or two that always ended with a laugh or smile. Man Mom, I miss those days! I miss you so much! I miss you helping me, being there for me, talking to you on the phone all the time. I miss seeing you and you coming over all the time. Today I thought I heard your car coming down the road. I still remember how it sounded, how you always came into the house in the mornings. Your smell, your concern and caring ways. I miss every little thing about you and no matter what anyone says that will always be! It will never be easier. How could it be?? You are my Mother and I love you more than life itself! The holidays are going to be brutal. Here it is Thanksgiving in a couple weeks. We will all get together at your house but tell us Mom, without you there, what are we suppose to be thankful for?? Sure our kids and families, but without YOU?? This sucks Mom...this is so horrible. I remember walking into your hospital room right after you found out that the cancer had spread to your brain. You asked me "isn't it terrible, can you believe it?" Yes, Mom...it is horrible and no, I still can't believe it..even though you are now gone, I still find all of this hard to believe! I had another dream about you about a week ago. I couldn't tell you about it right away. It wasn't one of my 'good' dreams. I was sleeping in my bed and you grabbed my hand. I tried to hold on, but you kept slipping further and further away from me. I screamed your name MOM, MOM, MOM...over and over again, but I couldn't save you and no matter how loud I screamed no one could hear me to come help. It was bad...I woke up in tears! I went over to your house this weekend. Debbie sure has your headboard decorated nice. You'd like it! I grabbed all your stinking medical bills too. I was in a bad mood when I fixed them all out so some of the remarks I made on them weren't too good. They got most of their money. Insurance paid for pretty much everything. And had they saved you...had they cured you Mom, I'd been happy to pay every single one of them in full. But they didn't so they can just suck up their loss and take what the insurance paid for. They can harrass me/us all they want. We certainly can't be hurt more than we already are. I told each and everyone of them if they had anything else to say to include a self stamped enevelope. Sorry to be rude Mom, I'd just had it...I told you I was having a crappy day. Hopefully a goodnight sleep will make things a little better. I love you Mom!! ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES**** Tay has chemo on Friday and her MRI is on Dec 3rd. I know you'll be there for both :o)

Hi Mom, Well I made it up to your house for the weekend. Lee and Chad came up with me. Tammy and the kids came over for the day on Saturday and we made Chili and goulosh. Sure was good. Dave and Diana came over Sunday and spent time with us. We had a nice time. Diana quit smoking. I proud of her. Sure wish I could quit but I am just not ready yet. You know how that is. Well I am looking for a new car. I am looking for an Ion like yours but they are selling so fast that I had to do a search for one on the internet. I guess they do not make them anymore. The have a new 2008 model that is taking there place but they are not available until January. I have to have one now or put more money in my car. The carrier barring is going out in it. Lee is going up to hunt on the 15th. I bet he does not hunt much. Well your rider mower has two flat tires on it. Lee had to take them to Coles to be fixed. He can't pick them up until he gets back up there. Not really sure what the guy next door did to them but Lee talk to him. I guess ever thing is ok. Boy Mom your lawn is a big mess. Leaves ever where. I found some picture frames down at the Family Dollar that says Mom on them. Me and Tammy bought enough for all the kids and we put your funeral home annoucement with your picture on it in them. They really look nice. I also bought you a birthstone angel. She is on the back of your bed. Well I have to go so Lee can call Sharlene and wish her a belated birthday. We forgot all about it. Mom I love and miss you so much. What I would give just to see you and talk to one more time. I think about you ever day and cry all the time. Love you forever, Debbie

Hi Mom, Thanksgiving is really sneaking up on us. It is going to be soooo hard without you here! I've already told Dale and Beanie there is no way I am going over to her families side for Thanksgiving. Debbie is going to need help and I just feel your house for the whole day is where I need to be. I'll help her Mom, we will make sure a nice Thanksgiving meal is fixed. As usual though, we won't know for sure how many to expect, but like you always did...we'll just fix plenty of food so we don't have to worry about it. I'll make J's pumpkin pie...I'll also make a couple loaves of bread, but I am using your bread pans. Last time I used my glass one...what a mess! It stuck, the bread fell...we had to peel it out. It was definitely not something that would have happened if you were fixing it. It snowed yesterday, of course it didn't stay on the ground long, but still we got that nasty cold white stuff! I am so not looking forward to winter! Remember how we'd complain together about winter? Neither of us liked it. We'd always keep track of the snow storms. It was nice for you though when we did get bad weather at least you didn't have to drive over here in it. That was one thing about winter you didn't like! Bryson said 'nama' this morning and brought me the phone and your poem. He wanted to call you! My heart broke and big tears came to my eyes. I am so glad he still thinks of you but when he brought me the phone...that was hard. How I wish so bad I could have just dialed a number and heard your voice on the other end! At least I dream about you. Seeing you and hearing your beautiful healthy voice in my dreams is priceless! Well Mom, Bryson is sleeping and I have no kids today, so I better get busy and get something done around here. I miss you so much!! ((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES****** PS. I got Bryson's carseat last night!

Hi Mom, My darn computer is acting up again. Had to go in the safe mode and find out the problem. I finally got into windows so I could get on line to talk to you. Sure wish you could talk back to me. I am coming up to your house tomorrow after I take my car in and find out why my license plate lights are not working. My remote start will not work either. They must of did something to it when they repaired my car after the accident. Lee has the utility room all painted and it is almost ready for the new floor. We are putting in the same floor as we have in our new kitchen. It sure does look nice. I sure wish you could see it. I know you would like it. I have a busy week next week at work. I have to do 110 boxes of parts by next Thursday. Sure hope I can get them done. I hope I do ok on the drive up tomorrow. It is really hard going up there knowing you will not be there. I just have to believe that you are happy and not in pain in heaven. Tammy has alot of dreams about you, and I have to believe you are talking to us threw her. I have never had a dream about you but that darn clock Dino and Becky got you keeps doing strange things to me. Loud noises and the pendilum stopping. (not spelled right) Maybe that is your way of talking to me. I sure hope so even if I do not know what you are saying to me. The holidays are around the corner and all of us are feeling it. Mom you where the biggest part of our holidays. Me and you would get dinner ready in the morning hours before everyone got there. Who will help me this year? Who will go to the casino with me? How will we be happy without you? We lost you three weeks and two days from the time we found out you had cancer. We just was not prepared to lose you. Mom you knew you where dying even before you went into the hospital. You cleaned the necklace and told me where it was at and when you wanted to wear it. I had to put that necklace up knowing it was for your funeral. That necklace will always be on you. It is around your neck. I sat at your dining room table that day and told you to fight. You where so depressed but you said you would fight and fight you did. Mom on the day we had to tell you that you would not be able to have any more treatments because they would not help you and you ask us if you where going to die I just lost it. You seemed so upset with us for not fighting for you but Mom we had to put your life in higher up hands. Sometimes medicine just does not work anymore and that is what happened to you. Your arms and hands where so swollen that water was leaking out of your arms and towels had to be placed under them. Your hands look almost deformed. You would hold them up and look at them and just shake your head. Mom we never ever stopped fighting for you. We loved you to much to do that. We had to let God decide what was best and he choose to take you to heaven with him. The weeks after you passed away was a complete daze to us. Even little Bryson could feel it. When he would see his Grandma Beanie he would not let her out of his site. When she had to go she would have to sneek away and when he noticed her gone he would cry for her for hours. He would look at your pictures all the time and say your name. He still remembers you. At the funeral when Beanie got up and started talking about you it was wonderful. She did such a good job and I am so happy that she did that for our family. Julie said a beautiful prayer for you. I know you was looking down with a big smile on your face seeing all the people who loved you so much. It sounds like you are having a wonderful time in heaven in Tammy's dreams but please Mom do not forget us. Watch over all of us and help us through the holidays. Mom I love you and miss you. Love and hugs Debbie

Goodnight Mom, I love you! I see Jarrod has been here, that drew a smile and a tear. He spent the night last night. I am planning on going to your house this weekend and the cemetery. I am also buying that new carseat for Bryson that I was suppose to get months ago! I miss you so very much Mom. I so wish you were here! ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES****

Mom its been almost 3 months since you have been gone. I miss you so much. Sunday is the hardest day for me because I always called you on Sunday. Every Sunday I think I have to call Mom then I remember your not there to call. The kids are doing good Mom. Alyssa got straight A's like she always does on her report card. Kelsey and Kaden are doing good in school also. Seth is getting big, he got his first tooth yesterday. He still is very much attached to me more so than the other kids ever were. I'm moving Mom and I'm excited and nervous at the same time. Excited because I will be in the kids school district and won't have to drive so much and nervous because I will be on my own for the first time with them. You did it on your own with me so hopefully I can do as good as job as you did. The holidays are coming soon Mom. It will be the first holidays with baby Seth and the first without you, it doesn't seem fair. It is going to be so hard on everyone as you were the center of our holidays. I love and miss you Mom.

I Love You Grandma

Hi mom, missing you like always. I went out to lunch with Ryan, Lisa and baby Amelia today. Oh how I wish you could see her mom. She is one month old and getting so big. Lisa is the perfect new mother like I knew she would be. Ryan is doing good, be brought Brigham and Chasity over Sunday for the Buc's football game (Mom you know how I like football) Brigham is in 1st grade and is smart as a whip. Chasity is just adorable and loves her grandma. Dino went on the gambling boat today with his mom,two sisters and his Uncle and cousin who came down for a visit from Canada. I was invited to go but mom I haven't went on the gambling boat since you, Debbie and Lee were here a few years ago. I will never forget it mom. I got sick and passed out. I haven't been on that boat since and I am not planning on going again. It's funning though I have never got sick on our boat. I think on that boat is was so closed up on the ride back and no fresh air. Dylan is doing good mom.He is going to try out for basketball at his middle school this year. He thinks he will make the team. Mom I miss you, sure wish I could call you and talk to you. I miss taking to you more than anything. Love you mom, Becky

What I wanted for my birthday was another hug from you...and I got it!! Last night I drempt about you again. Debbie was there too, we were in your bedroom and your robe in your closet...we saw it and we said "Mom?" and there you were sitting on the edge of your bed. We both ran to you and wrapped our arms around you with such force it knocked us all over on your bed! It was great! You looked good and so happy, your voice was perfect! We felt your face and hands, they felt so real! Us and our questions though, Debbie asked you if you found Dad up there... and you said 'oh yeah'...sarcastically, but in a very happy way. Then I could feel Dad's presence but I couldn't see him.I got the impression that Dad was really living it up and very happy! You also said 'you won't believe this place'. We tried to ask you more specific questions about what it was like but it was almost as if you couldn't tell us anymore than that. It was something we had to wait until our time to see and know more about. I asked you more questions about when you died "were you in any pain" and again you said 'no'. I asked you if you were scared when you died and you said 'no'. Then I woke up. It was a very nice dream and I so needed that hug!! I love you very much Mom and I miss you so much! Oh, I forgot to tell you yesterday, the kids are fine! All healthy and doing great! I know they miss you though. ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES**** PS. One more thing Mom, the weather here is HORRIBLE! We have a winter weather advisory and a high wind advisory out. All I can say is...your poor lawn. I am sure it will knock the rest of the leaves out of the trees and limbs will be everywhere, especially where the willow trees are. You hated the high wind! You weren't to fond of winter weather either...

Hi Mom, I see Debbie and Becky have been talking to you today also. They both called me today. As did Sandy. She sounded good, I didn't talk to her long...we both kept getting other calls. Shelley emailed me, she is moving into another house and sounds pretty happy about it. It is closer to the kids school. Today was a hard day, but I made it. Actually I was doing pretty good until I read what Debbie and Becky wrote...that made me cry of course. This is the first time there was no Happy Birtday wish from you. Being so close we spent all but one of my birthdays together. The one we missed (well 2 counting today) was when I was with Becky in Florida. Other than that...every birthday you were there! Beanie made me a cake...strawberry, she didn't know my favorite was chocolate...and I didn't correct her. Believe it or not, I think I would have broke down and cried had it been chocolate, that is the kind YOU would have made for me. So like you always said 'things happen for a reason'... to save me some tears I got a strawberry birthday cake instead. She also got me a 20.00 gift card to Wal-mart and is taking me out to dinner at the China buffet tomorrow night. Jarrod is coming home to spend the night and going with us! Dale will stay home and watch the kids. I'll bring dinner home to him. I thought about Red Lobster and quickly changed my mind on that one. YOU loved that restaurant too and I know you would have been part of our outing, so I picked the China buffet...you didn't like Chinese food so going there hopefully won't be as hard as Red Lobster would have been. Although I can hear you now "Drop the kids off or else I can come over there to watch them". You were always always available to take care of my kids...especially Little Taylor. Dale sent me flowers for my birthday. What a surprise that was!...a very nice one! Little Dakota gave me a 25.00 gift card to Old Navy and Michelle brought me a candle and some crocheted dishclothes (tell G-ma...she always LOVED to crochet) Mom, I've been talking to a good friend of mine I met online several years ago. She does childcare like I do and she has a niece who is handicapped severely...worse than Tay. Well her niece passed away almost 3 years ago. I've been talking to her a lot lately. Less than a month ago a tumor was found in her Mother's lung. She is like we were...just beside herself. Every update she gives me is so much like you. She is now in ICU with very poor breathing...so bad they had to put in a ventilator yesterday. She is very swollen, her sugar is sky high and her heart is racing. She sleeps most of the time and responds only with a nod. When asked if she is in pain she nod 'no'...like you did. It's sad Mom and it's hard! To hear of someone else going thru this is hard for many reasons....I can see it all over again! I miss you Mom...oh how I miss you so very much! I went over to your house yesterday with Jarrod. I can't go over unless someone goes with me or is already there. Anyhow, Jarrod needed some newspapers for school so we picked up yours and we also set all your clocks for daylight savings time. Man Mom...Debbie was right, your lawn is a MESS!!! Your house is spotless though...cold, but completely spotless, just like you keep it! I better say goodnight and head to bed. I think I kind of over did it with writing you this time, oh well, I had a lot to say! LOVE YOU!!! ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES****

Mom, today is Tammy's birthday and you won't believe Debbie and I called her at the same time. I think you had something to do with that!!!Beanie is taking Tammy out to dinner tomorrow and I know you sure would be with them if you were still here. Oh mom how all of us wish you were still here. It is still very hard on us. Just think with the holidays coming up how hard it's going to be. Mom you will be missed always. I love and miss you so much. Becky

Just wanted to let you know that I called Tammy today to wish her a Happy Birthday. Birthdays are really hard without you. You would always call us and wish us a Happy Birthday. I am sure that the call she will not recieve from you is really hard, but Mom we will do are best to try and live our life without you. As you know you carried each of us in your body and started our very first heart beat, so half of your heart is inside of each of us. We will cry so many tears and and our heart will break each and ever day, but someday we will be together again in heaven with you and Dad. We are trying to stay together as a family because we are family and that was the most important thing to you. You keep us together and you where our strength. They say as time goes by that the pain will get less, but Mom I really can not see that happening. Like I said, part of your heart is inside of us, and without you being with us the pain will never go away. We have the memories of you and the pictures, but not your soft touch and the sound of your voice. Mom, I just want to pick up the phone and call you and hear your voice on the other end or drive up to your house and see you sitting at the dining room table in your chair. I honestly think the pain of losing you will be with me the rest of my life. How could I ever get over losing my mother? Well Mom I am in the middle of fixing supper so I will let you go for now. I love and miss you so very much. Love Debbie

Well Mom my computer is now fixed so look out. I will be talking to you alot. We added a picture of you today that Chad took of you on my camara when you finished assembling your bird feeder. He said you where so proud of it. The picture is not on your web site yet. We are not sure why. I was planning on coming up to your house this weekend but I changed my mind at the last minute. I promise I will be up next weekend. As I leave my house to come up I am fine but, half way there I begin to cry. The thought of not being able to see you or talk to you just hurts me so bad. I never ever thought about having to go to a cementery to be near you. The thought of your body deep in the ground is more then I can bare. Enough of the sad things and on with a few questions for you. Mom are you still doing laundry in heaven? Laundry was such a big part of your life and you seem to enjoy it so much. With six kids and working at a laundry for the hospitals, laundry was such a big part of your life. Ever weekend when I talked to you on the phone you where always doing laundry. Another question for you is are you happy? Mom you enjoyed life to the fullest. You loved working on your lawn and riding the mower all over. You loved having your kids and grandkids at your house. We where always welcome at any time and you made sure we enjoyed ourselves. About the lawn since we are on the subject, how in the world do you get rid of all those leaves? Lee, Travis and Chad worked on that yard for a week and you should see it now. Oh no Mom you would not want to see it. Dave called yesterday to see how ever thing is going. I need to get the estate taken care of and soon. I hope to get it started this month. The bank keeps asking him about the house. We have to take it out of your name soon, but we can't do that until it goes through probate. I sure hope someone up there helps us out with the house issue. We have not taken a thing out of the house, not even your clothes. Whenever I leave your house to come home, I do my best to make it look like you always have it. Clean as a whistle. The holidays are coming up soon and that is going to be a very hard thing for all of us to deal with. We plan on having Thanksgiving and Christmas at your house. The only thing missing is YOU MOM. I always take you to the casino on my birthday and you take your christmas money with you to play. Well not all of your Christmas money, you always leave some of it home so you do not spend it. Gosh Mom I sure miss you and love you so much. I always felt you would live forever. Mom you will always live in my heart forever and ever. Well I am signing off for right now and I will be talking to you again soon. Love, Debbie

I like the picture of you in the kitchen in your Christmas sweatshirt. I remember taking it, that is why I like it so much. Becky wanted me to take some pictures so I went around to everyone and snapped their picture. When I got to you...you said "Tammy,don't be taking my picture". You didn't like to get your picture taken. I said "but it's for Becky". So you said "oh alright" and I took it :o) I also like the one of you sitting in the chair and Debbie is next to you rocking Tay. I don't have many pictures of you and Taylor together. I miss you Mom! I called your house this morning to see if Debbie was up yet. It rang and rang. I wanted so badly to hear your voice pick up and say "hello". I wanted it so badly I could actually hear your voice in my mind. I love you Mom!! Kids are fine...Tay's not sleeping too well at night though. She wants to stay up all night eating and partying! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES***** It broke our hearts to lose you But you did not go alone Part of us went with you The day God took you home.

I took the kids trick or treating tonight. Even Little Taylor went. Jarrod came over, so it was Me, Jarrod, Beanie and the two kids. Tay was Elmo and Bry was a horse. They looked so cute. I couldn't find a Barney costume for Tay, Bryson LOVES Elmo so I knew he'd be happy to see her as Elmo.I was remembering when Jarrod was little and I'd take him out. We'd always come to your house, you'd have him a baggie just full of candy and then toss in even more. He made out pretty well with just your house. I know you'd have done the same thing for Tay and Bry, you would have been so happy that Little Taylor got to go and you would have even ran to the store to pick her up something she actually could eat and enjoy (probably a smoothie). You would have even gave Jarrod some treats. It was sad not being able to bring the kids over, I wish so much you were here! I miss you so much! The weather was so so...it sprinkled a little and wasn't that warm out. Luckily the kids both had really warm costumes. Tay did pretty good! It was her first year trick or treating. A few of the houses I just took her bag while she waited in the car. Then we parked at the Mecosta school and we strolled her around the block. We didn't stay out too long. I didn't want to take the chance of her getting cold. Bry was pretty active so I know he stayed warm. Debbie is coming up this weekend, I am sure I'll take the kids over to your house and we will visit the cemetary too. Debbie will want to see what we did earlier this week. I love and miss you Mom...so very very much! It broke our hearts to lose you, But you did not go alone, Part of us went with you, The day God took you home. (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES*****

Mom, I am still missing you like crazy. I love the new pictures that Tammy added to your web-site. Mom my favorite (it's not a new one)is the one with you and Seth. He is sleeping and you just look so relaxed. It reminds me when you were here at Christmas (Mom almost two years ago} rocking Chasity. You told me you loved to rock your great grandchildren. Mom you were so good with kids, they all just loved you so much. I love and miss you very much, Becky

I went to bed thinking of you last night...you are always the last thing I think of before I fall asleep. Remember how we always knew where the other one was? If I went somewhere I'd always call you and if you went you'd always call me...so we wouldn't worry. You know how I worried about you! Well I called you one evening and you didn't answer, 'oh well' I thought...'you must have stepped outdoors or maybe ran to Remus for a minute'. I waited a little while and called back...still no answer, a couple hours passes and STILL no answer so I was worried. I remember thinking I'll give it a little longer and if she doesn't answer I am driving over there. Well you didn't answer! I told Dale I was worried and he knew by the look on my face and tone of my voice that there was no reassuring me...I was driving over.You NEVER went anywhere other than Remus without calling me to let me know...just in case I called and so I wouldn't worry. I drove over...worried as could be that something was wrong. I pulled into your driveway and your lights were on and your car was in your garage with the garage door open. I jumped out of my van and ran into your house and there you sat at the table, eating Taco Bell and watching TV. I grabbed you, hugged you and cried "OH MOM, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?? I WAS SO WORRIED!!!" You felt so bad, you told me you were sorry, that you had at the last minute decided to run to MT Pleasant, you said "I know I should have called, but I just thought I'd hurry and I just talked to you a little while earlier so I didn't dream you'd call me again". Oh that was something Mom! I was so worried about you and the relief I felt when I saw that you were ok, I took a deep breath...everything is ok! Mom is fine! It was not too much later when the same thing happened to you. I was coming back from taking Tay to the Dr. I was running late, you had been calling and no one answered so you became worried. You drove over, jumped out of your car, ran inside and hugged me...tears in your eyes "OH TAMMY, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?? I WAS SO WORRIED"! I told you it was a long day and we just got home. I can't remember if I had just tried calling your or I was about to call you. You were worried though...just like I was a few weeks earlier. That's just the kind of relationship we had Mom...always looking after one another and taking care of each other. At 78, you were always there for me...available for anything I needed. You always took care of Little Taylor for me, and I trusted you like noone else. I knew in your hands she was very very well taken care of and in her glory! She LOVED you and LOVED going to G-ma's house! We miss you Mom, oh how I miss you and love you so very much! I like this little verse, so I am including it in my sign off. When you were sick you always wanted someone with you and you always wanted to know who was here with you. "It broke our hearts to lose you But you did not go alone Part of us went with you The day God took you home." I love and miss you Mom (((((HUGS))))) ****KISSES*****

Hi Mom, I went out to the cemetery this afternoon. Tay and Beanie went too. We planted some bulbs and kind of fixed things up a little. We want to go a full circle around you and Dad. Today we just did half way around. The ground around where your caskets lays needs to settle all the way into the ground before we start digging. We will finish in the spring. It is going to really look nice when things are all done. I want to get you a rose bush for Mother's Day. We will also plant some petunias in the spring too. You always liked those. I want to take out the artificial flowers that are in the planters and replace them with real ones. Lee took out your lights you had in your flower beds at the house and put them with you. I checked those out and they both work. It's going to look nice Mom. And when we are finished I'll take a picture for Becky to see. Gosh Mom, I can't believe you are gone! I just never expected to lose you like this. I expected you to be around for a good 20 years more. I miss you so much it hurts! The pain is still raw, tears still flow and not a day goes by that I don't think of you. People say eventually the memories of your sickness will fade and be replaced with more happy memories. That hasn't happened yet. Oh I have happy memories, but I just can't see ever forgetting how we lost you. I don't know...I just know it wasn't fair. We weren't ready! I took Tay with me today. She got in one of her laughing attacks. I am sure it was for you...you always LOVED to hear her laugh. Her laugh is so contagious. Bryson stayed with his Daddy. He was napping. He's feeling much better. Beanie just picked him up and took him to see the horses. He really loves those horses. That is what he is going to be for Halloween...a horse. Tay is going to be Elmo. I love you Mom...I love you and miss you very much! (((HUGS)))) ****KISSES*****

The Day God Took You Home In tears we saw you sinking, And watched you pass away. Our hearts were almost broken, We wanted you to stay. But when we saw you sleeping, So peaceful, free from pain, How could we wish you back with us, To suffer that again. It broke our hearts to lose you, But you did not go alone, For part of us went with you, The day God took you home. Missing you Mom, I love you! ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES****

I added a new picture of Baby Amelia today. Remember how Becky used to always send pictures of the kids and I'd show them to you on the computer? Of course sometimes it would take me several days to remember...but eventually you saw them. I just feel by adding your new Great Grandbaby here, on your web page I am still showing them to you. And I know you'd be so excited to see her and oh how proud you'd be. We all love and miss you very much Mom. This is a very comforting way for us to still talk to you. All my life I have talked to you every single day. I'll never get used to not being able to do that. Bryson seems to be feeling pretty good right now. His urine test came back good. He just picked up your picture, said 'nama', gave you a kiss then a bite of his chip :o) Love you very much Mom (((((HUGS)))))) *****KISSES*****

I had a dream about you last night Mom. I have so badly been wanting a hug...to see you and know you are ok. In my dream I was at your house and there you were...standing by the chair, in the dining room, that you always sat in. I saw you and said "Oh Mom" and ran to you with open arms. We hugged each other, oh it felt so good...just to hold you in my arms. You felt so alive and real...it was a WONDERFUL feeling! I asked you if you were ok. You said yes, I asked you if you were mad at me about everything that happened when you got sick. Things happened so fast and I felt so helpless...and was mad at myself for not being able to help you get better. You told me you were not mad at me. I asked you if you were in any pain when you died and you said "no, just a little sore throat maybe". I asked you if you could breath ok when you were lying in the hospital bed...dying. You said "yes". You could talk so well, I loved hearing your voice, the way it sounded before you got sick. I told you how your passing on Tay's birthday...I know you will watch over her. Then you smiled and I woke up. I wasn't ready to wake up...I wanted to stay there with you. The embrace and talk was much too short but at least I recieved something that felt so very real! Thank you Mom!! I love and miss you so very much Mom! Bryson is still not feeling well. I took him to the Dr yesterday and they couldn't find anything wrong with him. They even did a chest x-ray. Today I have to take a urine sample in. He runs a high fever thru the night...about 104. Then thru the day it is either gone or low grade. He did wake up with a temp of 102.5. He has to go back again on Monday for a recheck on things. Tay is doing wonderful! Her MRI is scheduled for Monday Dec 3rd. I know it will be good...she's doing much better now. Jarrod continues to do well in college. He's coming home this weekend to spend some time with us. I'll take him over to your house so I can fix up the flowers like Debbie asked me too. I LOVE YOU MOM!! I MISS YOU SO VERY MUCH!! ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES*****

I didn't sleep very well last night either Mom. Looks like Becky and I both had a hard time last night.I cried myself to sleep thinking of you. It is so hard to accept the fact that you aren't here. More and more...with every day that passes I am starting to realize you really aren't here. I can't touch you, see you or hear your voice. I am so not looking forward to the holidays. How in the world are we suppose to get thru them. We have to make the best of things for the little kids sake...we have to try and stay strong for them, but oh Mom without you...the center of everything, it is so very hard! I miss you so much! Debbie left some flowers on your headboard. She called to tell me that they won't last long and I should have Bryson pick some fresh ones and go over to replace them. I thought that was a good idea but now I am not sure. I have such a hard time going into your house when no one is there. YOU should be there. I so badly want to just pick up the phone, dial your number and have you answer. It's hard Mom...we try to take things one day at a time, but it is so very hard. You were such a good loving Mom...living without you is very painful! The kids are doing good. Tay is back to her normal self. Bryson isn't feeling too well. I will probably end up taking him to the Dr tomorrow. He's running a little fever and very cranky. He was feverish last night then today was fine...cranky but no fever. Beanie just picked him up to take him to see the horses. He LOVES the horses! She's doing so good with the kids, she's trying to show extra G-ma duties and spend as much time with the kids as she can. She talks to them about you too Mom....we all do. I love you Mom...so very much! Please look down on us Mom...as the holidays approach us we will all need to feel your presence! ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES****

Mom, I didn't sleep well last night. I tossed and turned most of the night. I was wide awake at 5:00 AM, just thinking about you. It was like I was with you mom at your house knowing that you would be up early. Most morning's you would be up at 4;30 or 5;00. I just keep thinking I had to be up when you woke up.Mom I couldn't go back to sleep. It was so real. Mom I am missing you so much. Love Becky

MOM It's been two months since you have been gone and I still feel like it was today. The pain in my heart and the tears in my eyes are still the same. I will never forget that night when you passed as I held you oh so tight. The last flutter of your heart against my face, the screams of pain that emerged from within me, and the yelling your name over and over again. I held you tight to try and keep you warm, but Mom your heart beat no more. Your children all loved you more then life itself, and you loved us all the same. Each grandchild was special in his or her own way and the great grandchildren where just the same. You wanted to live for your family whom you loved, you where just not ready to die. God called for you to come home to his heavenly gate and you went with the angels for his embrace. Earlier that day each of us told you goodbye and told you it was okay to die. Your darling grandaughter was brought by your side and room became silent as she sang you a song. No words did she say, just beautiful sounds that only you could understand, but Mom I am sure she was singing "Grandma it is okay to die on my 10th birthday." She knows thow much you loved her and that you will watch over her each and ever day. No one could ever replace you or heal the pain in my heart, but I could never stand to watch you suffer as the cancer spread fast. You are in heaven and suffer no more, and I know you are watching over us, and you are now with Dad. So, as we grow older and it is our time to die and go to heaven's gate, I PRAY that Mom you are the first in line for our embrace. We will always love you and keep you in our heart, and go to the cemetery and talk to you and cry, but Mom we told you we would be okay. I love you Mom and miss you so much.

I lie awake last night...thinking of you as I watch the minutes click by on the clock. Tay's not feeling well, her tummy is all cramped up. All day she's been happy, singing her little heart out. Then about 11:00 PM she started to get real fussy and I could tell it was her tummy.She'd screach in pain. I held her and that seemed to help, then her Daddy rocked her and that really helped. He layed her in bed around 11:30. She was fussy again so I snuggled up next to her which seemed to satisfy her. She'd still moan so I know her tummy wasn't all the way better. Her little eye hasn't been opening much, it's been 2 weeks now. Some days it is just a crack, some days not at all. I snuggle next to her as I think of you and I watch the clock. I miss you so much and I know in a few brief minutes the 2 month mark will officially be here. The clock shows 11:58 so I say a prayer thru tears...a prayer that you are happy and 'ok'. A prayer that Sweet Tay will get better and not have so much discomfort. I know in my heart that you really are watching over her. I can just feel it. I drift off to sleep and about 30 minutes later something wakes me up. Tay is sleeping comfortably so I slip back into my own bed (she's a bed hog and I have hardly no room in her little bed) She sleeps good thru the night and wakes up around 8:00 AM. At that point I am not sure exactly how she is feeling. She makes little noises and Bryson mocks her and makes them right back at her, which of course makes her mad, but it is so cute at the same time. She falls back to sleep until about 10. I cancel her therapy for the day because of how she was feeling last night. Around 11:00 I decide to get her up, dress her and see if she will finally eat something. I pick her up and wow...her little eye is wide open, more than it has ever been since she's been sick. It is completely normal again. She seems happy enough so I lay her on the bed, dress her and fix her hair. I spray some of her smell good stuff on her. I carry her out to her chair and tell her 'Grandma would tell you how pretty you look and how good you smell, I set her in her chair and she starts singing as she watches barney. I put a bib on her and hand her a cup of pediasure. She drinks the whole thing, eye wide open as happy as can be. She has her Grandma with her I know...you are watching over her Mom, taking care of her as you always did while you were here. You hated to see her cry or unhappy...to see her sick worried you so. She's happy now Mom...THANK YOU!! Thanks for looking out for our Sweet Tay.I love and miss you so much Mom! Debbie is coming up and Shelley is coming down this weekend. Allison's baby shower is Sunday. Diana wants me to bring Tay, so if she is up to it I will take her. Bry is another story...I think I'll leave him with his daddy.It is still raining outside but the weekend is looking good. The storms weren't as bad as expected last night. I have some bulbs I want to plant at the cemetery this weekend, they are double tulips I think and they will bloom in the spring. Bryson has a balloon to take out. I would have brought it out yesterday but I was afraid the wind would take it.. And Sweet Tay...I'll bring her too Mom. I am going to make the good broccoli and cheese soup you taught me how to make and maybe an apple pie. You LOVED pie. I am sure you are getting plenty of good eats up there in Heaven. Thanks Mom...it felt good to talk to you today, I needed that. I LOVE YOU!!! (((((HUGS))))) ****KISSES****

Mom,I can't believe it's been two month's that you have been gone. Mom I cry a lot but that's OK. I want you to know how much I love Tammy for setting up this web-site for you.Mom it gives me comfort to write to you. It makes me feel like I am talking to you like I always did on the phone. I love to read what my sister's write about,they are missing you like I am. Love and miss you so much, Becky

Can you believe it Mom...it's been 2 months today! So unreal, I still wake up wishing...hoping this is all one big bad dream and you will be here with a big ol' smile on your face, as you always came in with. Taylor has been singing all day, just like she did exactly 2 months ago. Bryson has been looking at your picture "Nama". Dale went over and picked up your mail for me today...and me...I've been thinking about you non stop all day, but than that is pretty much how all my days are. Reminders continue to be all around me. I finally tossed out your dead flower, but I couldn't put it in the garbage, so I thru it in the woods and saved the basket. I'll replant something else in it. Your purse and slippers are on my table. I can't even begin to think of putting those out of sight. Oh how I miss you Mom...so very much! It is a rainy mess out...like it was when you left us. It's been rainy all week. We are suppose to get some pretty bad storms with high winds tonight. I can bet you'd be spending the night with me tonight if you were here. You usually did when we got bad storms...especially the winds. You didn't like the high winds. I wish I would have had Dale go into your house and check for leaks today when he went and got your mail, with all this rain I am sure there are leaks somewhere. Oh well, at least you don't have to worry about that anymore. You never did like those stupid leaks either Mom. I love you Mom...so very much. How I wish I could just hug you right now...I'd give anything for a big hug and kiss! (((((HUGS)))) ****KISSES*****

Still finding it hard to believe you are not here Mom. It will be 2 months tomorrow since you left us and yet I can't bring it to myself to truly believe it. The pain...the pain is still raw. Some days I think it actually gets worse. Some days I just want to scream as loud as I can and just break down. WHY did this happen? I know you were a firm believer in 'things happen for a reason'. I am just waiting...waiting for the reason for all of this. I know...everyone has their time to die and no one lives forever, but I pictured you to be around much longer. I remember how'd I'd tell everyone 'she has more energy than I do'. You LOVED taking care of yourself and your house. I think you were so very proud that you were able to. You are one of the only people I know that really appreciated life and how you were physically able to go out and 'work'...to mow your lawn and take care of your house. There was no way you wanted someone else to do for you what you were so proud of being able to do yourself. I remember a couple weeks before you died "Oh Tammy, I wonder if I will ever be able to mow my lawn again?" Mom...I wish more than anything I could see you out there on your riding lawnmower,...see you watering your flowers and feeding your birds. I remember every morning...I could hear your car coming down my road just before I could see it. It had a distinctive sound to it I guess. Every morning between 9-9:30 you'd pull in. Bryson and the other little kids would run to the window...so happy that 'nama' was here. It'd take you a few minutes to get out...not because you were slow by any means, you just usually had your hands full of something you were bringing over. Whether it was your awesome chicken soup, goulosh, orange jello or something from the family dollar store...you LOVED that store. You'd stop by the window every morning and clap your hands for Bryson. He'd always clap back 'yayyyyyy' and you'd both have a big smile on your face. Oh how I miss that, and at the same time I will never forget it. For all the little grandkids...the ones that are too little to remember the wonderful Grandmother they have. Grandma Joan...'Nama'...she was the best grandma, all the kids LOVED going to G-ma's house. She was always there to greet them with a smile. No she wasn't a cookie baking g-ma (she made the best fudge though...and TONS of other good food) she always had treats for her little grandkids, and toys to play with. She was just a warm loving g-ma that would do anything in the world for her family. All of her grandkids had a special place in her heart, and they were all born for a reason. She never got tired of having any of them over and was always happy to have company. She was the center of us all. The place we'd celebrate the holidays. The one we'd call with any family news. Today, if you were here Mom, Becky is right...you'd be down there visiting that new grand baby of yours. They would have sent you a ticket to come down. You would have waited to make sure Taylor was ok and over her little bout of sickness before you went. You were always very concerned about her. Then you'd be off to FL for about 10 days. Yep, they would have spoiled you with their good cooking. One of your favorites was Dino's liver and onions! I'd call you or you and Becky would call me every day. You'd tell me what you did and it would have included a good meal or either a nice restaurant or home cooking. You'd tell me how you didn't like them to spend their money on you but you so deserved every bit of it Mom. One thing that made us all happy was to spoil you. You were so good and making each of us happy and you always made sure we were taken care of. To see a happy look on your face when you opened a Christmas gift or we were able to give you something you so deserved...that look was priceless Mom! Oh I just can't believe all of this is no more. You won't be with us this Christmas to open your gifts. The way you always watched us all and you'd wait till last. Then you'd sit in your chair with all your gifts around you and open them one by one. The grandkids would usually help you. Then you'd remind us how we didn't have to do all of this...get you gifts. But oh you'd be so proud and happy. You had six kids who thought the world of you! I miss you so much Mom, I miss how you were always there for me...with every little thing I'd ever need I could always count on you to be there, by my side, to call you and just hear your voice was so comforting to me. Mom, I remember the day Taylor was born, you were right there by my side. Dale holding one hand and you the other as the Dr told us the very grim news about our Sweet Tay. You told me that everything would be ok..that'd we'd get thru this, God would give us the strength...things happen for a reason. It was exactly 10 years later, in the very same hospital that I had to hold your hand and tell you the very same thing. Oh, Mom...it is so very hard. I miss you so very much. I love you Mom...with every breath I take I think of you! ((((HUGS))))) ****KISSES*****

Mom,just wanted you to know not a day goes by without me thinking about you. I miss you so much!! Mom you would be down here visiting us right now. You wanted to come down after Amelia was born. Dino and I took Lisa, Amelia and Ryan out to lunch today. Mom you would have been with us. We loved to take you out to lunch when you were down here with us. You always said we spoiled you. Mom we loved having you visit us and I know it meant a lot to you. Dino I loved to pamper you with taking you out to eat or cooking a good meal for you. You loved to eat. Mom we all miss you so much. Love Becky

Mom I miss you so much. Yesterday was Kelsey's birthday and the day before was Alyssa's. It is the first year that you didn't call and wish them a "happy birthday" . I thought about that all day and I'm sure with time it will get easier but right now it is so hard. Today is the day that I have to turn in your car. I still have it Mom. Every time I would go to the Saturn dealership to turn it in I just drive right by. I can't seem to let it go. It is a part of you. I was with you the day that you bought it. You were so proud. I remember you saying " I don't need power windows, doors, and cruise control". I said oh Mom it is nice to have and you deserve to have a well equipped car. Seth is seven months old now Mom. He is growing everyday. You told me when I was pregnant with him that you wouldn't be able to help out with him like you did with the other kids. I didn't know what you meant at the time but now that I think about it seems like you knew you would be gone. I love you Mom

I can't believe it's been almost 2 months Mom. The pain of losing you doesn't get any easier. I still don't believe you are gone. You're not here...we don't see each other, call each other, you're not at your house, but yet I just can't seem to really believe you are gone. It still just doesn't seem real. I miss you so much and everything around me reminds me of you. There is a part of you in everything I see and do, reminders all around me. Can you believe I still have a flower...a dead flower on my table from your funeral. Don't know why...I just can't bring it to myself to throw it out. I keep telling myself "I'll do it tomorrow" then tomorrow comes and it still sits there. Kids are doing well Mom. Bryson is talking non stop and every day he gets busier and busier. Tay is slowly getting better. She ended up going to the hospital on Tuesday to see Dr. Cornelius. He did a complete check up from a shunt study and CT scan, to blood work and urine tests and everything checked out good. She's eating better, if only she'd open up that good eye of hers. Jarrod stopped by earlier. He's doing good too...loving school and living on his own. He's been coming home every weekend. I am so busy missing you, I don't seem to worry too much about him. Today is Kelsey's birthday, yesterday was Lissy's. Gab had one last week. So many grand kids you have...every month is a birthday or two. Daycare is going ok Mom, Michelle comes over every day to help out. Not that I really need the help with the kids.. It's more the company I need. Oh Mom, I know it's been less than 2 months but will I ever accept or believe you are gone? I miss you so very much! I wish none of this ever would have happened and I can't help but to ask myself 'if I just would have taken you to the Dr when your voice first got hoarse would you still be here with us today'? I'll always wonder that. If I only would have acted faster or did something different. I miss you and love you so much Mom! ((((Hugs)))) ****Kisses****

Miss you Mom, not a day goes by that I don't think about you. I can just see the smile on your face as you look down on us today. I added a couple pictures of Baby Amelia, I know you would want me too. I also can hear exactly what you'd say "Oh she is so sweet" "Look at all that hair" "She is just beautiful". I never expected this to be so hard on me. The first real major event of the family and not having you here to share it with is so very hard. You were just the center of everything Mom. Today was a very nice and warm day out. You'd say "this is our indian summer weekend"...the last of the really nice weather before fall sets in. It is close to or maybe even reached 90 out today. We took the kids to the zoo.Even Tay went and she was a perfect angel. You'd always tell me "it is good to get her out for a little while". Bryson loved it too...all the animals, he just loves animals. He can say all their names. It was so funny...Duffle jumped up on the table today...sat right next to your picture I had sitting there. I could almost hear you telling him "get off that table Duffle". Oh how I miss you Mom...so very much! Taylor is doing much better, her counts finally came up enough for her to go out. They were pretty low there for awhile and she really had me worried. We go back in on Tuesday to have them rechecked. If they are good she can start her chemo. I know you're looking over her though, so I know she'll be just fine. She's drinking better and finally starting to act herself. This infection really took its toll on her. I added amazing grace for Debbie...she heard it on the radio the other day and thought of you. There is another one she wanted me to add...rugged cross, but I don't have enough room to add it. I'll buy the upgrade and add it than...it may take a few days.I miss you Mom...I love you so very much! ((((((HUGS)))))) *****KISSES******

Oh Mom,I am missing you so much today. My granddaughter, your great granddaughter Amelia was born today. Mom, she is so beautiful, with blue eyes and black hair. Lisa did great mom, only seven hours of labor. I am so proud of her. Love and miss you so much mom. Becky

Hi Mom, I just wanted to let you know that Taylor is fine. She went to the hospital for all the routine test and all she has is a bladder infection. They gave her IV antibiotics, fluids and sent us home with antibiotics. Dr. C called today to check on her. She's doing better, still in some pain, but much better than she was. Of course you probably know all this...I am sure you were right there holding her little hand thru all of what she went thru. Maybe that is why she was such an ANGEL at the hospital yesterday. Also might be why, while I was sitting there waiting, I could here a noise. Took me a few minutes to figure it out...it was the clock above me...I could hear it ticking. Something about you and clocks...you seem to be letting us be aware of your presence thru them. How I love and miss you Mom...so very much! (((((HUGS))))) *****KISSES******

Oh Mom, I miss you so much. I have looked at this website non stop for a long time now, and it has just been too hard to write anything. As time goes by is gets harder, some of the shock has worn off and its so hard to realize you are gone. I remember as a child having a dream that you died, and staying up the rest of the night so scared, more than I have ever been. Even as a adult. Losing you was always my worst nightmare. You were the best Mother their could ever be. I love you and miss you terribly. Love, Sandy

Hey Mom, I just can't seem to stay away. Guess I am so used to talking to you every day and missing you like crazy! Debbie was up this weekend, she's been coming up every other weekend. I talked to Shelley a few days ago. She still has your car, she's having a hard time turning it in,a part of you she just can't seem to let go of. She's got to take it back soon though...so maybe you can give her a little push, let her know it is ok. Tay went for chemo on Friday, all was well but than later that evening she started running a fever. Things seemed good yesterday and now this morning she woke with a fever again. Maybe you could take extra special care of her Mom and help her get well again, you always hated to see her sick. I know she thinks of you and I know she misses you very much! We are trying Mom...taking things day by day, one step at a time. It is so very hard...going on without you right here beside us is harder than I ever imagined it would be. Actually I never imagined it at all. Oh Mom, how I miss you so very much. I hear so many people tell me things will get easier, but I just don't see that happening. I am not even sure I want things to get easier. I don't know Mom...all of this happened so fast, none of us were prepared for it. Not even you I am sure. Just know, we love you...more than words can say. WE LOVE YOU!! You keep smiling down on us Mom, I can feel your love all around me and I never want that to go away! ((((((HUGS)))))) *****KISSES******

I just wanted to say I love you Mom, I think of you all the time and I miss you so much! (((((Hugs))))) ****Kisses****

Mom, I just wanted to let you know I miss you more each day. I think of you all the time, and wish I could talk to you like always. Oh mom, how I miss you....Love you so much. Becky

Wow Mom...Thank you! I don't even know how to explain to others the something so special, that you just sent to me. You and I were the only ones who 'truly' knew the details behind all of this. When Dad died I had a hard time dealing with his death. The 'wondering' if he was ok...just like I went thru when you left us, was always on my mind. Then when I went back to school about 6 weeks after he died he sent me a sign...a sign that he was 'ok'. It was the newspaper article, "Death is alive". I was in 11th grade and I randomly drew it from a bag for an assignment...of all things for me to get. Everyone else got things like 'food', or 'animals'. Here I get 'death and dying'. As soon as I read it, the whole time I was reading it... I knew...it was one of those things that 'happen for a reason', a sign from Dad that he is ok. I remember it so clearly. I ran home to tell you all about it and let you read it. It gave both of us such comfort. We both knew and it was special to us both.You put it in his funeral bag...I saw you put it there, for save keeping...to keep forever you said. Well Mom, somewhere along the way I must have taken it out because when I went to read it again right after you left us it wasn't there. Then yesterday, Beanie brings me a box of stuff from her basement, she was cleaning things out, came across this box of stuff, on top was a photo album, so she opened it and there you were...smiling at her. She said she knew whatever was in here was suppose to go to me so she brought it over, I start to go thru it and there it is, the news paper article! Along with one of Dad's memorial cards. I KNOW Mom, I know with all of my heart, the one thing that helped me with Dad, you sent right back to me. You saw what it did for me when Dad sent it so you wanted me to 'remember' and it is the one thing that you knew would truly give me comfort and a sign you KNEW I wouldn't second guess. Oh and I got the baby book I was missing too, it was right there with that article. You were always so organized...never misplaced a thing and then there's me who loses everything. THANK YOU for finding it for me! I miss you so much Mom and I LOVE you!! With all my heart... I feel you around me so much right now and I know you are looking down on us all telling us "everything will be ok, The Good Lord will give you the strength to get thru this" (((((HUGS)))))) *****KISSES******

Strangely enough Mom I had a dream about you last night. You were so very happy...you could talk, no hoarse voice, no struggling for a breath. You could talk great...just like you always used to. Your voice was beautiful Mom,and your hair...it looked picture perfect, not a strand out of place. Your face was nice and full. Your skin was radiant...You looked great! You told me "Look how good I can talk" and I said "and you can eat too" and you said "yes, but can you believe how good I can talk?". You were so proud of how well you could talk. It was so nice to see you so happy...thank you Mom, I so needed that! I love you Mom, please continue to visit...it really warms my heart and makes me smile so to see you so very happy :o) I love you Mom! (((((((Hugs))))))) ******Kisses********

Mom, I miss you so much, oh how I wish I could call you like I did almost every day. I miss your voice always telling me how everyone in the family was doing. You knew about the family, and that was so important to you. Mom what is so hard for me is not to be able to talk to like I always did. I know we didn't see each other often with me being so far away, we always talked on the phone. How I wish I could pick up the phone and call you. Mom I love and miss you so much. Love Becky

Missing you a lot today Mom, guess I just can't get used to the fact that you are gone. I look at your pictures and I just can't believe it! Bryson, he's something else...always makes me smile. I finally had to end up printing your picture off the computer to give to him. He misses you so much! Points at your picture on the wall, he'd carry it around with him if he could reach it. He carries the one I gave him around "Nama". I always have this web page running...listening to the music and watching the pictures comforts me. Bryson has to kiss you of course..everytime. He puckers up his lips and every day, several times he gives you a big wet kiss. And then there is little Taylor, she's doing good Mom. She sleeps in her own little bed next to ours and seems to like it. I am going to bring the recliner from your house over soon. I guess I am having a hard time removing anything from your house. It just doesn't feel right, but I do know you would definitely want her to have it. So soon Mom, I'll bring it over for her soon.Well this morning I cleaned the glass door coming into the house. Of course it made me sad, I know you were the last one to clean it. Then I noticed that the fridge shelves needed cleaned as well...never got that far yet. I remember you were the last one to do that too. Remember how you came over once a week to help me out? I remember you cleaning the fridge and telling me how it was taking you forever. I said 'well look how clean you are making it'. I also need to get a new table cloth soon. The glass table...the one you liked to always keep a tablecloth on for this very reason...I just cleaned it and along came Bryson and finger printed it up already. Sad part about this is I don't think I've ever bought one for it, that was something you always did. I am not even sure if I know what size to get. I miss you Mom,...oh how I miss you. I miss our talking and all the little things. I miss how you'd go home at the end of the day and a couple hours later I'd call you and Dale would always laugh at me about how I had to call you so much. I miss Bryson looking at you out the window as you came in and you stopping and you'd both clap 'yayyyy'. He doesn't do that anymore. I miss how you would come in and give him a big hug then you'd hurry over to Little Taylor (that is what you'd call her) and bend down to kiss her, telling her how pretty she was and how good she smelled. Every morning...you'd greet the kids this way. Always so happy to see them. Oh Mom,...this is very hard. I wish you'd just let me know that you were ok. You know how I always told you "Call me when you get home so I know you got there ok"? Well, Mom I am waiting...it's been over a month and I am still waiting for a sign...something to let me know that you made it ok. I love you Mom, I love and miss you very much!!

Mom, I miss you so much. It has been a month today. I still can't believe you are not with us. I know you are with us in spirit, I feel you around all the time. I just want you to know I love you and will always miss you. Love Becky

One month today Mom you left us. I still can't believe you are gone. I miss and love you so much. I know though that you are all around us...watching over each of us. Taking care of us like you always have done. If you were here.. I know you'd be telling us "There is a reason for all of this, everything happens for a reason, and you'd tell us that The Good Lord will give us the strength to get thru this". I don't think it is ever something we will get thru or over,we will always miss you, always wish none of this happened and always wish you were here with us, but I do know that you'd want us all to go on, to be strong...for our children, just like you went on when Dad died, you went on for US. I just pray that I can be as good of a person as you were, as good of a Mom to my children as you were to yours. I love you Mom, I miss talking to you everyday...hearing your voice, I miss seeing you...every part of you I miss so much it hurts!

Beyond the door, there's peace I'm sure, and I know they'll be no more...tears in Heaven. I know you hated to leave us..as we hated to see you go, but we know you are at peace, looking down on us all. I love you Mom, I miss you very much!

Mom I love and miss you so much!! I added "I hope you dance" to your website because I know that is what you would want for your children, grandchildren, and great children. When I listen to the song I think of you and it is like you are singing it to all of us.

I know this was a song you enjoyed. We used to play it when I was little. I remember how you always loved to talk about West Virginia...so here you go Mom, this song is for you Almost heaven, west virginia Blue ridge mountains Shenandoah river - Life is old there Older than the trees Younger than the mountains Growin like a breeze Country roads, take me home To the place I belong West virginia, mountain momma Take me home, country roads All my memories gathered round her Miners lady, stranger to blue water Dark and dusty, painted on the sky Misty taste of moonshine Teardrops in my eye Country roads, take me home To the place I belong West virginia, mountain momma Take me home, country roads I hear her voice In the mornin hour she calls me The radio reminds me of my home far away And drivin down the road I get a feelin That I should have been home yesterday, yesterday Country roads, take me home To the place I belong West virginia, mountain momma Take me home, country roads Country roads, take me home To the place I belong West virginia, mountain momma Take me home, country roads Take me home, now country roads Take me home, now country roads

Remember the song you used to always sing me? "Give me a little kiss. Will ya huh? Give me a little kiss. Will ya huh? Gosh oh ge, why do you refuse? I don't see what you're gonna loose, so...give me a little kiss, will ya huh? And I'll give it right back to you!" I love you and miss you sooooooo much Gram!

Hey Mom, I just wanted to say I love and miss you very much! Today was a little chilly out but sunny. Fall is in the air. I am doing ok Mom, I wanted to set up this page so we all would have a place to come, to just talk to you when we needed to. To share your memories with... so the little Grandkids you love so much could get to know you better and always remember you.Bryson sure talks about you a lot. He points to your picture on the wall and says "Nama". Taylor even has said "Nama" before...over and over again one morning. She's doing good Mom, I know you are watching over her. You are watching over each and every one of us! I love you Mom!

From up above the Angel's came Calling out our Mother's name Her hand she reached, For the Angel's to take But then she started to hesitate She had so much to live for, she didn't want to die And then a tear came to her eye and she began to cry She thought of all the ones she loved, the ones she'd leave behind She thought of all the things she'd miss, the days ahead she may not find Why was this happening, it wasn't fair, she'd really like to know, She wasn't ready to leave us, it's not my time to go She knew the pain she would endure, if she was to stay Meds and drugs, all of that, would be part of her every day She fought with all the strength she had, determined not to leave To stay here with her children, whom she didn't want to grieve We looked at one another, knowing what was in stow Then we gently told our Mother, that it was ok for her to go One by one we shared with her, the promise of our love As we reminded her of those who awaited, somewhere up above We stroked her oh so softly and wiped away her tears As we thanked her for all she'd given us throughout the years Mom, you have been so faithful, so caring and so true It is hard for us to imagine, our lives without you But you have given us, the one thing like no other The gift of love... a part of you, that will stay with us all forever And then she started to realize, as she always told us so Things happen for a reason and this must be her time to go. So when tomorrow starts without you Mom, don't think we're far apart For every time we think of you, you'll be right here in our heart. We love you Mom, with every breath we take, you will always be a part of each and every one of us!

Thank you for setting up this memorial to Joan Hamilton. We hope that you find it a positive experience developing the site and that it becomes a place of comfort and inspiration for you to visit whenever you want or need to.

I am I and you are you, whatever we were to each other that we still are. Speak to me in the easy way which you always used. Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? Life means all that it ever meant, it is the same as it ever was.

"In all things, give thanks" ~ Thessalonians 5:18 Thank you Mom, then and now I am able to find thankfulness during my greatest weakness. Love never fails... Saw you in my dream last night. Actually you've been in my dream every night this week only I haven't been able to remember a thing...just that you were there. Last night was a little more vivid. We were at a wedding. At first it appeared to be mine, then Shelley's and then Jarrod's. Not sure what all that was about, but you were there, in the background, smiling. The glow, the happiness, the bliss and beauty was unmistakable. I saw you only for a brief minute and I woke up sobbing, gasping and almost in a panic. It was crazy! I tried so hard to just go back to sleep and continue with where I left off, but.... it didn't work. Wanted sooo badly to see you again, but sooo happy for the brief moment of your presence. I've been scrolling through some of our chats we've had over the years since you moved to Heaven. I can't tell you how grateful I am that I came across this site...we've had well over 600 chats and if I could track how many times I've just sat here and said nothing at all that number x 100! Anyhow, I decided to go back to the first Thanksgiving without you. Must admit,I was a little nervous at first, thought I'd find some horrendous message of doom and gloom. But...this is what I wrote to you. THANKFULNESS at my weakest Thanksgiving 2007 HAPPY THANKSGIVING MOM!!!!! I am sure you are having quite the feast up there, way better than any of us can every imagine! We all miss you Mom, today will be hard on all of us, but I know in my heart you are with us all. I know you are smiling down on us as proud as any Mother could ever be...and we are all so very proud of you! We couldn't have picked a better, more loving Mother than you! So today Mom, we will be very thankful for YOU! I love you Mom, I better sign off now, I promised myself I would try to get thru today without crying and here I sit with tears in my eyes! I just miss you so much Mom! ((((HUGS)))) ****KISSSES**** "In all things, give thanks" ~ Thessalonians 5:18